WARNING: Dryness, itching, burning, and peeling may occur.

spoonmellow @ 2007-08-25T22:48:00

2007-08-26T03:04:07Z

Note to self: I am an adult; I WILL act like one no matter the occasion. Come a time where an over abundance of balls happens to be needed, I WILL grow some. I'm growing up and have no fucking clue what to do with myself. About 12 more weeks until my 18th birthday, when I'll officially be an adult. I've already started college with a break down in the making. My whole adolescent life I never pictured myself as an adult, so here it goes I'm giving it a shot. I want to be a graphic designer. I think I'd really be good at it if I give it a shot. I bought a laptop about a month ago which will be coming in the mail on monday {omg EGADS!}

So far it's hard to tell about my classes and how I feel about them. I'm only taking 4 classes this semester; History, Psychology, English, and Computers. I think I'll really dig my history class. But I love history anyways so thats not really a big surprise for me. Psyche I'm not so sure. I would LOVE a psychology class but since my teacher seems to be an idiot i'm not sure how I feel about it yet. English I'm pretty pissed off about. I'm in the lower english class because I scored lowly on my entrance test in writing (got a 93% in reading, but who the fuck cares). And that class doesn't even count towards my degree which is bullshit. If they told me that in the beginning I wouldn't have taken it. My computer class is over the internet, which shows me how stupid I am because I'm confused where to even start. I have to buy a flaming cart-load of books for my classes (and a back pack to boot, unfortunately for my poor back :[ )

Life has been good. My moods have been crazy recently. Work is okay, who-ever thought up the idea of coupons should be shot, dragged through a public street, and then lit on fire. I hate coupons. DEATH TO COUPONS, DAMNIT!

My parents are gone for a week. Party at my house?

Time to go to bed, I have to wake up super early tomorrow. Speaking of super, have you gotten the chance to see Super Bad yet?
What a fucking amazing movie. I was laughing through the whole thing and almost peed myself.. twice. If you haven't, lets go see it together.. Because I really want to see it again :] Anywho, thats it for me. Now to go read a trashy romance novel before bed ;)

Nighters.

-me

spoonmellow @ 2007-08-08T02:38:00

2007-08-08T06:59:44Z

Hey livejournal. It's been a while.

     Life has been alright in the life of Heather. I think when things start being good for me I always end up trying to screw it up. My dad paid for my first semester in college. I haven't read any of my books or emailed my teacher. Stacey and I have been hanging out recently. I finally talked myself in to ditching her. I hate that, Why do I do it? My whole life I was convinced I wouldn't live passed teenager-hood and here I am; not knowing what the hell to do next. How do you grow up? How do you let a guy flirt with you without second guessing yourself and instantly blowing it off already convinced all they wanted was to make fun of you? How do you talk to people without wanting to run in the opposite direction screaming like a banshee? Yeah, I have issues.

    I bought a laptop. THAT to me is crazy, being as I used half my car fund to pay for it. I bought something expensive that could get easily broken/stolen. But yes, it'll be here by the end of the month. Being grown up isn't all what it's cracked up to be. I start college on the 23rd which is making me almost want to shit myself. I think I'll have to start wearing depends a week before to prevent spotting. (Just kidding, ew)

   Want to know something lame? I found a book at Borders that really helped me. Okay, don't laugh. It was "Dating for Dummies" (I almost bought it) it says a lot of helpful things to start dating. Theres this guy that has been interested in me; but I have such high standards I won't even give him the time of day. I don't want to be like my lame sister. My sister is trying to set me up with a guy she knows. HAHA i'll be sure to stay away from that guy. I'm so afraid of being like her I basically do everything in my power to be the exact opposite of her.. I need a boyfriend :( Im so man-crazy every time I see a really cute guy I practically drool all over my shirt :( ugh, this is pathetic (my least favorite word to say but it fit)

    I hate being fat, I think I'm going to buy some pepper spray and start running at night when I'm most motivated. Men like some meat on their women's bones.. But I'm pretty sure they don't appreciate the whole Butcher's shop. I found a picture of me from 10th grade and I can't believe how much weight I've packed on :(

So here I am, bored, feeling sorry for myself, and wanting a kitcat. I always lose. Heres the part where I call it a night. Nighters.

hello again.

2007-06-23T08:12:19Z

I have no friends.

and I think I'm okay with that.

The fight with Mike put alot of things in perspective for me. I don't want to be treated like shit. Especially by some one who doesn't care about my feelings, who uses me, or thinks hurting me is any way shape or form funny. I'd like to say that we won't be friends again, because we all know we most likely will.. But at least I can say that it won't ever go back to the way things were. I need some one in my life who's grounded; some one who can treat me well. If theres something I've learned its that if everyone in your life isn't good for you, then don't waste your time. If that means not having any friends in exchange for happiness then I really don't mind. It'll be a lonely life, mind you; but I don't really care at the moment.

I'd like to say I'm doing better than yesterday, but I'm not. At all.

I started at Little Ceasar's today. I'm not really sure how I did. I know I messed up alot, and I know my boss was annoyed with me.. so we'll see how it goes.

I really miss Charlie. I know I KNOW, PEOPLE. It's pathetic. I never knew how much I'd miss the guy.. He's really gone. I really watched him die. I miss his smell and even his little mannerisms that I found so quirky. I just.. feel so unbelievably lonely.. and so NUMB to everything that I don't even feel human anymore. I watch tv shows and read books and pretend its my life instead of the pathetic one I lead.

Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep this game up. How long I can keep going until I crumble into a million pieces. I can't do this alone. I need some help. I'm becoming something that I hate SO fucking much that I disgust me. I'm becoming like my sister more and more.. I always thought I'd grow up and be normal.. but I'm not. I just wish I could go to bed and just sleep forever.

I don't want to be sad, angry, or bitter anymore. Never have I felt so far away from everything as I'm smack dab in the middle of it all. Never have I felt so alone..

So thats my sad entry for today. Enjoy.

I don't fucking care anymore, you people WIN

2007-06-22T05:40:19Z

Tonight I was burying Charlie. Tonight I had to work. Mike came in today to "help out" by standing next to Katie for an hour or so "helping" her. I don't give a fuck WHAT he says. If I told Mike I was coming in to help him and ended up helping some one else for an hour or so with him in my situation then i'm so sure Mike wouldn't have a problem. ..That was sarcasm by the way. I'm so SICK of having friends that don't give.a.shit. I feel bad for telling Katie not to come and just running away like I did.. but I couldn't stand even being around Katie tonight because I know she's only around because she feels sorry for me. I can notice these things. I didn't want her to be around when I burried Charles because if theres one thing I realized is that in the end, I wanted people who loved the guy there.. The people who you thought were friends most likely will screw you over and I didn't need them to help me through this. My family was great.. So after I ran to the door of my house and bawled in my moms arms about how stupid this all is, I took a shower all the way on hot and just..cried some more. When I felt better I finally just went outside with my family [glow sticks in hand, charlie would have liked them] and we burried the little guy. We all said something nice and I did the ceremonial first dirt throwing.. and finally he was gone. We stuck the glow sticks in the ground and went inside. I'm okay now. I hate mike, he can go fuck himself for not understanding what I'm going through. I hate thinking like this but part of me wishes his stupid Pug would keel over so he'd know the way I feel.. so he would hurt as much as I am, but I don't really feel that way. .He's an ass and will always be like that, no matter what. His parents brought him up to be an insufferable prick. I know he'll find some one else to cling to and attach himself like the little succubus he is. But i'm done. I don't care anymore. I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm hungry. And I need to still go to Meijers to get some khaki pants for work at [YAY! little ceasars!] 9:00am (bleh) tomorrow. I just.. need some sanity in my life for once. I'm just mentally giving myself a pat on the back because I haven't done anything horribly harmful after going through all of this shit. Here's some advice from me. You are you're best ally, never give up and surrender to little fuckers that are only around just to make your day worse. The end. I'm done :] good night, y'all.

spoonmellow @ 2007-06-21T03:47:00

2007-06-21T08:05:22Z

Charlie died tonight.. I'm starting to come up with ways how it was my fault... But what i'm trying to understand; is that while his death may have been my fault, he went in a good way.. My mom and I held him until he passed.. It's so sad to start thinking back on his life. It's sad because I know everything isnt permanant.. everything eventually dies and fades away.. I'll really miss him. Usually he's hiding and sleeping somewhere, so his dissappearance will just seem like he's under the bed huddled in some clothes when in reality.. he's not. I think the worst part is looking at him and not seeing his stomach softly moving up and down.. And that I put him in a box outside. Which now it's raining.. and in my head i'm second guessing his death and he could just be cold and wet in the rain.. I hate this. I want him back :[ I'm glad we got Chi chi. I think everything happens for a purpose and every move we make will eventually effect the future. Zoe got lost for a reason.. We bought Chi Chi to help Charles cope, but really we bought her so Zoe can cope with Charles being gone.. But the way he left this world was amazing.. I got to be with him and hopefully being there comforted him a little bit. I told him I loved him, and how I was going to miss him.. and then he eventually left us.. I'll miss him and burying him will be so hard.. Which we're going to tomorrow night after work..

I called shelby.. saying in my own way that I needed some one to talk to. .And she did nothing. She hasn't talked to me unless you count the "what do you want to eat at my party" question..She said shes sorry about charles. But thats what she always says. Thats seriously her response every single time anything vaguely catastrophic or bad happens to me and I tell her.. What does she say? I'm sorry. Thats it. I'm done. I don't want friends anymore. Am I wrong to wish I had a friend that went all out? I think its a bit pathetic how sad I am over Charles, but a good friend would realize that and want to be around to help me through this.. Even Tina took the time to say something that meant more to me and I never talk to the broad. I don't know.. I feel like everything is crumbling around me. I don't know what to do about it..

Okay, theres my update.. bye.

omgz an update. it's been a while, lets hug it out.

2007-06-19T02:58:39Z

I miss this screen name. I think i'll be moving back my things to this name and start posting here from now on :]

So where to start? Theres so many things to talk about and I don't even know where to even begin. So how aboutttt. This.

I got a second job at Little Ceasars. I hope I can keep working while juggling another job. I WANT MONEYS, NOW!!! I worry too much I guess. I'm still working at Panera's, which I open tomorrow at 5am by the way so I should probably start getting ready for bed.

A couple days ago an old teacher of mine walked in. I used to be SO in love with the guy, no joke. It's insane how distant I was, I didn't hug him, or talk to him really. I do what-ever I do when ever I'm nervous, drop things, nervously laugh, and stay horribly quiet. It was funny because I KNEW it was him from the start but I wasn't sure enough to bring it up, so when I swiped his credit card his name came up and thats when he asked me if my last name was Stoliker. ^.^ I wish I could have told him how much he meant to me and how thankful I was for him being there for me when I needed him.. (By the way, for those totally oblivious he was my 7th grade social studies teacher) I think mostly what I yearn for is some closure. The whole situation with living at my uncles ended so abruptly and I left so many people behind without explanation..

Katie asked me to go to the movies with her today. I turned her down. I don't think i'm going to hang out with her. It feels like she's only asking me to go places with her because she feels bad for me.. Not because she actually wants me to be there.. I don't want to be a charity case. I'm probably being stupid.. Probably HAHA ..Most likely. She's training me to make pizzas at work on thursday. WEE! Big fun.

People, I've come to realize that my weight is getting to be a HUGE(haha) problem. No one wants to pursue a fatty. and I'm getting lonely. I want a boyfriend :[

MMHM. So yeah, still have NO idea what I'm doing for college. Uh oh.

HEY!!! It's bed time! so nighters everyone.

spoonmellow @ 2005-10-21T17:51:00

2005-10-21T21:50:39Z

I dont think I'm going to write in this anymore.. I'm using another username.

later