“Are you ready to start our session?” Allison asked again smiling.

“Yes. I am. Please come in,” I answered as I fiddled around with my keys trying to open the door to my apartment. “Pardon the mess.”

“Oh please,” Allison said dismissing my concern, “you should see my place.”

“I’m sure it’s a hell of a lot cleaner than this. I meant to tidy up before you got here but I was out and got busy and it must have slipped my mind.”

“No worries Dan, I’ve seen worse.”

Allison followed me into my apartment.

“Please sit down,” I motioned to my couch, which is in the living room just inside the door of my apartment. “Would you like something to drink before we get started?”

“No thank you, I appreciate it though,” she smiled and started grabbing papers out of her suitcase.

“So where did we leave off?” She questioned to herself as she was ruffling through her notes, “oh yes… we left off discussing the physical altercation between you and Joe last year… would you like to tell me some more about that?”

“What’s there to tell? Joe is an ignorant ass hole who told me I was going to hell for the sins that I am committing. He kept trying to convert me into his crazy religion so that they could ‘pray the gay away’, what a load of cra-“

“Yes… but you must be aware that not all people think the same Dan. In Joe’s mind he was trying to help his fri-“

“Don’t you dare say friend. He is no friend of mine. Deep down I always accepted Joe for who he was even when we didn’t see eye to eye. He wants to believe that there is an afterlife? Spread the word of his savior? That’s fine… Yes I don’t believe in what he believes but I atleast respected him for it.”

“And how did you show your respect?”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you ever really respect his beliefs?”

I got silent, as I know now what she was getting at. Ofcourse deep down I always questioned how someone could believe in the things he believes… but I never verbally told him that I think his beliefs are stupid.

“Well… I never… outright told him I think what he believes is total BS… I just live by the golden rule of elementary school – to treat others like I want to be treated. So I kept my thoughts to myself, thus respecting his beliefs.”

Allison sat there quietly for a moment trying to compose her words, “How does one really respect someone if they tell others what they believe is total ‘BS’ – as you would say”

“I don’t know…  I don’t believe in Santa Claus but I respect the joy it brings children around the world if they believe… you know?”

“Do you find joy in those who believe in an afterlife?”

“I-I’m not sure I find joy in that fact that they think they are going to a better place… rather than a hole in the ground…” I trailed off.

“Dan, its exactly that kind of thinking that Joe has about you…”

“N-no! I only say that because he thinks that way.”

“So you are saying these things to spite him?”

“It’s not that I spite him,” I tried to explain, “… I just wanted someone who called me their friend to accept me for who I am.”

“…and since he couldn’t?”

“I punched him… ok?” I answered annoyed with all the questions.

“Why did you resort to violence?” Allison inquired.

“He really pissed me off… he called me a ‘faggot, dick sucker’ and I lost it.”

“They’re just words Dan,” Allison refuted

“It was the heat of the moment. His words hurt me so I hurt him.”

Allison was writing in her notebook. She stared at her notebook for a moment and then looked up at me. She had a concerned look on her face. “What?” I asked.

“That last sentence concerns me.”

“I’m not usually like that… I don’t resort to violence,” I said trying to persuade her that I am not a threat to others.

“How can you assure me you won’t resort to violence moving forward? What if a stranger in a bar sees you with a date and makes crude, inappropriate remarks against you and your date… will you lose your cool? Punch this stranger in the face?”

“N-no I wouldn’t let it bug me…”

“Like you didn’t let what Joe said bug you?”

“NO! The difference between those scenarios is the fact that Joe was my friend, a very close friend. How could he say something like that to me? After all we’ve been through?”

“And what have you been through?” Allison inquired. I have had about enough for today but I knew that I had to answer Allison’s question or she wouldn’t feel good about leaving the session. So I decided to take a deep breathe and calmly tell her about Joe and I.

“We were so close growing up…” I started, “we were inseparable. We went to school together, hung out at each other’s houses, and played together every night during the summer months, but when I came out Joe couldn’t accept me. He tried for so long to “pray for me” and get me to come to church with him but I didn’t want to – I didn’t think anything was wrong with me – Being gay didn’t change who I was and I couldn’t understand how he didn’t see that.”

Allison put down her notebook and stared at me, “unfortunately, you will go through your entire life finding people who wont accept you for who you are…”

“Great” was all I could manager to respond. The room was silent for a moment before Allison took a deep breath.

“But,” Allison began, “this life is also filled with wonderful people who are loving and accepting. It sounds like you have people in your life who love and accept you right?”

I thought about Pat and my other close friends… I thought about my mom, dad, and other family members who have been nothing but supportive… and I thought about Travis. Who I just met. All of these people are my strongest advocates and I can count on them to be there for me.

“You know…” I started with a grin on my face, “I was wondering when you were going to start making me feel better… You don’t seem very supportive today.”

“Sometimes I have to play devil’s advocate,” Allison smirked, “it’s what makes me good at my job.”

“I appreciate you trying to make me see different sides of a situation… even when that side is filled with hate and ignorance.”

“I thought we were making progress,” Allison sighed, “do we need to start the session over?” she asked jokingly as she clearly knew what my answer would be.

“NO,” I yelled rolling my eyes.

Allison gave me a look, which basically said I was hopeless, “Well I think we’ve had enough today. We will continue making great progress with this, OK?”

“Yeah-yeah,” I moaned.

Allison put her notes back into her suitcase and started to head for the door. “Allison?” I started, “Thank you… I really mean it. I don’t know what state of mind I would be in if I didn’t have you to talk to…” I trailed off.

“Dan, I will be here for you as long as you need me. I can help you through these times. No one should have to do it alone.”

“Well you should be on my side more,” I joked breaking the sincerity I had just displayed.

“How did I know this nice moment wouldn’t last for more than 3 seconds?” Allison laughed, “I will see you next time.” She shook my hand and bid me adieu.

Our session was finally over. I know Allison is great at her job. Most of our sessions can get heated and I like the way she pushes me. That’s why I keep having sessions with her. I feel like our conversations actually make a difference in me understanding what happened between Joe and me, but it’s still hard to go through all of that past pain. At what point am I not going to need her anymore? And what would Travis think if he knew I was seeing a therapist? He seems cool enough to not care about that sort of thing, but what if he thinks I’m crazy and runs for the hills?

My phone began to vibrate. I pulled it out of my pocked to see who was calling. Hmm what does Pat want? “Hey man, what’s up?”

“Dude… I still can’t believe we met Travis Setter last night! So unreal! We were out so late though… I’m still so tired. How’d you sleep?”

“Oh… yeah dude. I hear you I’m so sore…” I smiled remembering the events that transpired the night before.

“Yeah Travis pushed us so hard”

“Yeah he did. It was a tough workout but definitely worth it.”

“Dan, did Travis invite you to some party thing on Wednesday??”

“Oh yeah he did!”

“I can’t contain my excitement. Can you imagine what his place looks like? It has to be huge!!”

“No I can’t even imagine.” I said lying through my teeth.

“Oh I can!”

“I’m sure you can,” I started laughing.

“This is no laughing matter Dan,” Pat countered being dead serious. “We have to make a good impression so we can get invited to more parties!”

“You are SO RIGHT, what should we wear?” I responded in the sassiest voice I could without laughing.

“What did I just say?! This is no laughing matter. I am considering going shopping with you to buy a new wardrobe.”

I paused, “Wait seriously?”

“Dan, do you think I own any clothes that would be acceptable to wear at a millionaire’s party? I sure as hell don’t think so.”

“Well, you do dress like a hobo so…” I trailed off trying not to laugh.

“DAN! I was partially kidding…”

“Were you though?”

“Y-ye” Pat started

“How about you meet me at the mall in 30 minutes,” I interrupted.

“Yeah! Sounds great. I can’t wait to hear about how much I am going to pull off my new wardrobe,” Pat said with confidence.

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll see.”