The Gift
Stephanie's Storyline, Chapter 6.1
copyright comidacomida 2018
Nhat Hanh was quoted to have said "People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." Ironically, I didn't find that quote until I was on a train heading back home to find out what I could about my brother's death and face my parents-- two very similar sources of 'familiar suffering' I had thought I was actively fearing. Only after reading that quote from a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk did I realize just how poorly I understood my own feelings.
I had a lot of time to think about that on the several hour ride across the Cascades and back to the High Desert of eastern Oregon. Memories of growing up with a brother and the realization that any new memories wouldn't include him. I'd been avoiding addressing it and, for all the times I was reassuring myself that I was dealing with his loss, it was all just a case of me lying to myself. Every step I took starting with fleeing home before my parents got back from the funeral to dodging their calls and contacts.
What good was I doing really? I was suffering in my own head by ignoring any chance at resolution-- I'd put a bandage on a gunshot wound and I didn't even stop to wonder if leaving the bullet in there would cause even more damage. It had taken the gentle reminders of Apana for me to realize that nothing had been resolved and the kind reassurance of Medved that healing could eventually start. It was strange in a way that the four Spirits who joined me in my life in Cherry City were there because of how much they needed me and yet, in just as many ways, I needed them. The train ride was another reminder of that, as was Medved's absence during the drive to the station.
The early morning departure meant that there weren't a lot of passengers, which was good because I didn't really feel like dealing with anything outside my own little piece of the world around me. I sat two thirds of the way back in the passenger car and the empty seat behind me had more than enough room for two Spirits and my own seat could accommodate a third. A fourth Spirit was able to take the seat across the walkway from me, and that, like the other positions, were included in a round-robin approach so each of the four could get a chance to sit with me.
Every forty five minutes or so the Spirits would rotate, giving me a chance to spend time with each of them and, as the journey progressed, I was able to calm down just a little more. Being close to Tom, then Kyle, then Anapa, and finally Medved helped; it helped a lot. They each had their own way of accompanying me and, together, it made a difference. The four spirits didn't approach the situation the same and, to be honest, I think that was why having them there was so beneficial.
Tom sat by my side first, holding one of my hands completely enveloped in both of his. I didn't feel particularly open to discussion that morning he was respectfully quiet, simply staring straight ahead, occasionally speaking something in Hebrew that sounded like a prayer of some kind. It wasn't impersonal though... it felt like he knew how to be a companion without forcing himself into my thoughts.
By the time we were done with all of the Willamette Valley stops over the course of going through two different counties the Spirits had traded off and Kyle sat with me next. He was a little more engaging, starting with a discussion of information we could find online to make a plan for our trip. It was an entirely different feel from the first part of the trip with Tom next to me.
On one hand, with the Raven next to me it almost felt like a vacation and he even got me to laugh quietly once with a joke and then we reminisced about my last few years in high school until, eventually, my mind circled back to a reminder of why it was I was heading home, and after that he sat quietly with me, a wing wrapped around my shoulders as I alternated between crying and trying to reason my way through my emotions.
We were well through the Cascades by the time Kyle took his leave, exchanging seats with Anapa. Much of what the Raven and I had discussed came back to me as the Jackal sat quietly and attentively beside me. His ears and eyes tracked my every movement, trained on me like I was his entire world. It was almost ten minutes before either of us said anything; surprisingly, it was him. His smooth baritone emerged from his muzzle without it barely moving. "Hemet-netjer."
The simple four syllables were almost enough to make me jump in surprise and, as I turned to regard him, his perked ears slowly fell, sliding back against his head in supplication. If his words were surprising then his two paws seeking out one of my hands was unbelievable, and yet I felt his warm, sandpapery paw pads wrapping gently around my fingers. The Jackal said nothing else, obviously waiting for me to acknowledge him. More people had boarded the train at that point so I spoke hesitantly and at a whisper. "Yes... Anapa?"
He gestured with his free paw, motioning wide with his arm. "We help."
I gave his paw a gentle squeeze but, rather than withdraw it, Anapa maintained it where it was, resting between us on the arm rest. Another five minutes passed before he spoke again but, for some reason, I wasn't as off-guard the second time and even his unbelievable declaration failed to surprise me. "Brother wants you to know."
Looking to the Jackal, I offered a smile and gave his paw another squeeze. The golden pigmentation around his eyes gleamed brighter as it reflected the same colored light coming directly from them and the edges of his muzzle pulled back and I actually saw Anapa smile. In that moment, his impossible statement seemed more than feasible: it may as well have been fact. What else could I have said but "I know."
We both remained silent for the rest of our time together and he didn't release my hand until he stood to leave. As Medved took his place, the Jackal stood in the aisle, turning to face me with his paw on his chest and he bowed. After that, Anapa sat down beside us, leaving me with my Bear. We sat there silently for all of ten seconds; by that time I realized that I couldn't stand any more silence and I wasn't able to survive another round of talking about Billy. I took control of the topic, not only because I really didn't want to talk about my brother, but because there was something else on my mind. "Medved... why is that your name?"
Granted, it was a pretty out-there question but I'd been wondering it ever since I learned that 'medved' meant 'bear' in Russian. The rest of the Spirits had their own names but my Bear was just that: Bear. Medved's response was a laugh... a very hearty laugh. I know I've mentioned that he spoke English with more than a hint of a Russian accent but, until that point, I'd never realized that it was possible to laugh with an accent-- or, at least, he certainly could, and he didn't hold back. I waited until the uproarious sound died down before I pressed the question. "What? I want to know!"
He reached out to take hold of my hand; although the gesture was no different than what Anapa had done the feel of it, both physically and emotionally were distinctively unique. "Lapushka, Spirits often have many names. Names, like Spirit Energy, are given to us by Humans. 'Medved' is only one name I have had."
I ventured a guess. "My babushka gave it to you... didn't she?"
The Bear nodded. "Yes... and I value it. It means more to me than any of my other names-- more than Misha, Mikhail, Aleksandr, Sackerson, Bultitude, Otso or--"
The sheer number of names astounded me. "You have a lot of names."
Medved smiled in that patient, fatherly way of his as he inclined his head to me. "Da, my Lapushka... I have had a lot of time to gain them."
Eager to understand (and avoid discussions regarding my brother), I pressed him for more information. "Do all Spirits have that many names?"
He offered a faint shrug in response. "It is not easy to say, Stefanika. Some Spirits have more names than others."
From behind me I heard Kyle's voice. "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet."
I recognized the quote. "Act 2, Scene 2. Romeo and Juliet. Would you still smell as sweet if I didn't call you Kyle?"
Medved gave my hand a gentle squeeze. "We have an audience, my Lapushka."
I followed his gaze to a pair of 30-somethings with a toddler sitting between them in the seat. When they saw me looking their way the mother picked their little girl up and put her on the part of the seat further from me. Sighing, I fell silent, and from behind me, Kyle spoke again. "Corvus, Orev, Marcus, Ghurab, Huginn, Muninn, Reafan, Bran, or sometimes just 'Raven'... but you know 'Kyle' so why bother worrying about what I am to anyone else when you already know what I am to you?"
It was a good point, and I knew it if I was honest to myself. Once again I found myself quiet, and it remained that way until we got to our destination. The train was due in at 3:15 and we arrived two minutes early. Although any onlookers would have seen me stepping off the train by myself with a single suitcase there was no way they'd be able to appreciate the fact that I had four traveling companions and a whole lot of emotional luggage. Fortunately, my dad and mom were waiting for me.
The hugs and kisses were a great relief. Once we had settled down, however, they asked for some details about my schedule. I--
b) -- try to keep my plans vague; it's a lot easier to tell them I plan on doing a bit of "this and that" without going into detail.
c) -- stuck to the main reason for my visit. "I'll be in-and-out. I need closure, so I want to find out what I can about Billy."
d) -- couldn't help but think that I'd been avoiding my family long enough. "Well... how about we go home for starters, and then I'll figure things out from there?"
Voting is now open and will close as of midnight (pst) on Wednesday, October 10th.
..............................
D - let things flow naturally. Something may pop out without being forced.
..............................
-TGU.