Chapter One
Seraphi Antaaran 2, second century, Etassus 39413 Vahrak
It was over four hundred and fifty years ago, I suspect, that the war to survive truly began. Sure, dragons had been hunted, but this was the first time humans had approached the walls of our greatest and last city as an army, and triumphed in their slaughter.
Living in the middle of a war zone was one of the worst parts of… well, the war. Each of the separate training groups that took on new recruits did their best to repair the walls about the city, and not for the first time I admired the care put into the sentry pillars that spiraled from the floor of the cavern to its roof, far above. A few of the swifter, faster Temethran recruits ferried rations to the walls, and the brawny Versoth had been heaving rocks the entire day to repair some of the catapult holes in the wall. I breathed in relief; it seemed that today, fortunately enough, there wasn't going to be an attack on our last bastion.
Seraphi Antaaranaov 13, third century, Etassus 39651 Home
Yes, Sariant, I'm well aware we live in caves now. Please try not to interrupt me, or I'll never finish. What? No, we don't live in caverns, anymore. Caverns are much bigger. Don't be foolish.
As I was saying, it was always a bustle. But at that moment it was a merry one? we had just won a large battle (or so we were told) against the human army of the people of Ivarnos besieging us.
Yes, Kyshara, I suppose I ought to tell you what humans are. Most of them are lying, deceitful, murderous creatures that essentially take perfectly fine hunting grounds and ruin them with farms. The rest are wonderful, and kind, and completely undeserving of the carnage brought upon them by our kind...
…Hmm? Oh, you wanted to know what they look like? They look like hairless, two-legged and flat-faced creatures with forelegs and feet much like our own, but without scales. Head fur. Dull claws. No tails. Weird things called hands that they don't walk on. Deceitful things. Now please, enough questions.
By that point war with the people of Ivarnos was all I had known. True, I had heard the tales from the dragons just under double my age, when we ruled above all the world we wished. But even before I was hatched the Ivarni had resented us, and I had hatched not long after that resentment had exploded into all-out war as their kind tore first each other, then us, to pieces all for profit. How far we fell so fast.
I quickly sidestepped as a pair of the workers struggled to pull a line and tug back up once more a massive stone slab that had been misplaced. I winced in sympathy for the Versoth recruits, having to put their muscled frames to use in not only the open combat, but in the heavy grunt work around the city. I hoped that wasn't going to be me, by the end of the day. I was going to my Testing today!
As I padded through the streets, the dragons all around me milling to their various tasks, I felt a current of excitement run through me despite the situation. Today was my year's Test day, our two-century hatching day! The elders of each ancient House… well, specialization… would separate us to our new trainers as we became what could technically be called adults of our race. Not only that, but I could finally earn my way through the world, make a living on my own, in my own home rather than the communal housing that all younglings shared, all seven hundred of us.
“Hey! Seraphi! Wait for us!" I heard someone shouting for me, and saw my “twin" brother, Jasik and my friend Tarinth pushing their way through the crowd towards me. I halted, waiting patiently for them though I was nearly jumping out of my scales in excitement.
How Jasik and I were determined as the same age I will never know, but it was certain we weren't actually related… at least, not really. We may have had the same body shape in general, but he was far thinner, smaller and faster than I ever was. On top of that, he was always flitting from place to place whenever it suited him– he always got what he needed from it, but nothing more. And while I may have been dark with teal highlights, Jasik had always been jet-black apart from his startlingly vivid pale gold eyes. No, we were not actually related by blood, but he was still my brother, and though it was an old and disused tradition we had always looked out for each other.
For the last time Sariant, I do not care for your interruptions. And for your information, I am not all gray yet.
Tarinth, on the other hand, was just about his exact opposite. She was actually in good shape despite her disinclination to exercise, her muscles a ripple of emerald with each step she took. She may not have been as quiet as Jasik or me, but what she lacked in stealth she made up for in both her stubbornness and oddly enough, her sympathetic skills. I wasn't sure which of the four houses would train her; she was really a well-rounded dragoness.
I suppose I can indulge your curiosity at the moment, Kyshara. Each dragon was chosen for their specific traits. In essence any of the strong dragons were chosen for Versoth, smart but weaker ones for Haraash, the fast and quiet were picked for Temethran and the expert navigators and scouts for Salym. Each House gave purpose and action to the everyday life that we all led.
Still, if Tarinth was stressed over her future she didn't show it. She knew her social skills and was an empathic dragon at heart. Unless she failed and refrained from getting even one training offer she would do well over her long life.
But Tarinth's eyes gleamed as she took in the day, looking over the world with a wonder I had never seen before. Almost every one of the few marketplace stall she seemed amazed to see, something I couldn't understand? every stall either sold cured meats or some sort of leather armor. She continued this until finally I snapped at her a little too harshly.
“What exactly is wrong with you today?" I asked impatiently. “You're acting like you were struck over the head with some eager soldier's hammer."
Tarinth just looked at me, unfazed. “It's not every day you turn two hundred," she said. I found it very hard to argue with that, and to my surprise, found my mood lifting as well.
Jasik poked his head out and around our protruding friend. “What do you think you'll get chosen for, Sis?" His high yet quiet voice was almost lost in the crowd.
I just shrugged. “I think you have a better idea of that than I do," I replied. “At least we know what bloodline you'll earn your way into!"
That much, at least, was true. Jasik was not a dragon who relied on physical strength, and while he wasn't an idiot, he wasn't a Haraash genius either. He was more likely to be one of the Salym's expert navigators or Temethran's master spies and assassins.
Jasik rolled his eyes. “You'll probably get the same assignment as I do. Even though it's a choice, they like to stick siblings together, don't they?"
I nodded, grinning. “Twins stick together, right?"
I stumbled backwards as Tarinth broke back in between us, flaring out her wings to cover our view. “If you two would like to pay attention now," she said smoothly, “you may just want to look at where we are now." She pulled her wings back, and the verdant cover of our view was lifted.
I looked up, and blinked, surprised. A huge cathedral sort of building was sprawling out ahead of me, carved and plated with elaborate gold-and-silver and reaching so high it was a wonder it fit inside the gigantic cave we inhabited in the first place. Then I narrowed my eyes, faintly irritated at Tarinth for my spontaneous wonder at things I had seen before in the city.
The entire structure was both disjointed yet oddly harmonious, the four main royal bloodlines were prominently displayed, and it was as if four separate palaces were melded together into a single capital where the elders could lead their respective “families".
My future lay resting in those halls, somewhere. Whether it was in the obsidian and garnet-laden librarian halls of the Haraash or the wide spaces and wind tunnels the Salym and darkness of the Temethran, I just… felt like I would thrive.
Tarinth nodded, as if in satisfaction, then turned back to our dumbfounded expressions, trying —and failing— to keep a self-satisfied smirk off her face. “Never get around to coming here often?"
“Or ever," Jasik murmured. “I always tended to break things, so the Versoth guards were never very inclined to let me into the more… fragile areas of the city. Oh, look!" Jasik stretched a wingtip across the huddle gathering to point at one of a few of the brawnier yet still young ?perhaps a few years older than us? Versoth officials, a large purple and gold dragon, glaring at him suspiciously. “He's usually the one to catch me. If he wasn't so big he'd certainly be Haraash. Clever spirit, that one."
I nodded. “Good to know."
We stood at the back of the crowd for a while, not exactly caught in awkward silence but not speaking either. We all waited patiently, shuffling forward patiently for our turn. I could feel the static mood in the air— we were all restless to get it over with and discover our future in the city.
Jasik helped us out a few times, finding a gap or two in the crowd and moving us up a few paces. Overall, the wait was long and boring, crowded in as closely as possible without being forced to hover in the air.
Eventually though, we did make it to the gates. We were stopped there, and just to make sure we didn't have some weapon or tool not naturally endowed to us we were searched. It was such a waste of time; security measures from a time long-since past that were irrelevant as nobody had the time nor the skill to craft tools.
Jasik offered me a quick grin almost in reassurance, then stepped into the compound. Next through, Tarinth and I were searched at the same time.
After we had been unnecessarily been told we were clear, Tarinth met up with her guide. She hesitated, looking back to me, a hint of fear in her eyes.
“Go," I insisted. “You'll be fine." I could only hope that was true.
Tarinth nodded, then turned to her guide once more. They padded down a different hallway, and I turned to my own helper.
She was a gray dragon, and for the life of me I can't remember her name. She pointed out various traits of the twisting hallways, architectural words well past my comprehension. Eventually she led me to the test chamber and over a checkered patch of black and white tiling that was hardly noticeable. In front of me was a wind tunnel one would normally use for quick transportation about the city, aside from the fact that it was empty.
My gray guide turned to me. “Now, fly," she said. “And be quick about it."
I blinked. “What?"
She sighed. “Fly through the tunnel, and try to go as fast as you can. If you can reach the end, that's a positive indicator in your test."
Well, no denying this was a test now, and I had always appreciated the freedom of flight. I leaped into the air, flinging myself down the corridor. But either they had built it to stop me from flying or simply built it wrong, I was being slowed considerably in the stone cylinder. I was quickly becoming exhausted by the effort of fighting the wind.
Reach the finish.
Almost there? I could almost make out a ledge at the end. But something didn't feel right. At the opening to the “start" I had seen a checkered pattern marking the entrance.
I flew forward a few more feet. My wings ached. Then I did something I thought to myself I was crazy to do at the time. They wanted me to reach the finish? Fine. So I whipped myself around, hurtling through the tunnel as fast as my wings could carry me…
...And crashed straight into the checkered wall in the back of the hallway.
“Made it," I groaned.
I stood up, dazed. My originally stoic guide now wore a smile, and I glared at her.
“Excellent job, my dear," she said. “As you've discovered ?rather painfully, in your case? there are often a number of answers, if you can find them. Each bloodline and their elders have put their work into these tests. This one showed you are clearly not Versoth material." I felt a sting of indignation at the subtle jibe, but repressed it all the same.
The rest of the tests I was subjected to led to the same choices. In some I had to solve complex puzzles, others find my way through complex mazes with only a glimpse of a map. More extreme tests included dodging gouts of another's dragonfire, barbed lances stolen from soldiers jutting from the ground, and the 'collapsing' room. I imagined those were tests more of agility and strength than navigation or smarts. As often as possible, as I was not forbidden to take flight, I scouted the massive test chambers from above.
After what felt like days I stumbled out of the grand building, exhausted and starved. Outside was that damned guide, who was ever so cheery now that I had succeeded often enough. I thought I had lost her after the swimming test.
...I say 'swimming' rather loosely as it was that or drown in a flooded room.
“Right this way," she said. “We've finished your exam."
“Just great," I muttered through gritted teeth. I was beginning to wonder whether the rumors of dragons dying during their tests were really just rumors.
Once more I was led into the weaving halls and wind tunnels of the palace. This time, however, my new and seemingly unbothered companion didn't lead me to the next test. Instead, I peered ahead to the opening of the hallway and was surprised to see light outside… or rather, what passed for light in the dim underground.
I glanced over at my shaded guide. “I'm actually done?"
She nodded. “It's honestly your option to choose your fate." She paused. “However, it's my obligation to tell you that you have better chances in Temethran or Haraash. Or Salym." She hesitated, then leaned over to whisper hurriedly to me. “Look, so long as you don't make a fool of yourself we can integrate you into one of those three Houses without a problem. Just don't mess up and you'll be fine. Stay safe out there, dear."
I looked at her oddly. She spread her wings and whipped back down the wind tunnel leading into the center of the fortress, leaving me to contemplate her words.
I returned my attention to the courtyards. I had three options; this wasn't a normal result, was it? The problem was, I wasn't concerned about that. But I had to determine which I belonged to.
The Haraash courtyard was a thing of order and focused grace. Its quarter was packed by the intellectual experts of our year, in clean rows and columns with hardly a single horn or tail spine out of place. Here and there the new recruits chatted amongst themselves, but it did nothing to shatter their tranquil. They somehow managed to ignore the calamity flying over the small gate next to them.
While the Haraash may have had utter control over their pupils it was clear the Salym to their left had no such order. They hovered in the air, flitting about anxiously, some of the master fliers going a memorized route with their eyes closed or all number of gods-knew-what complications, showing off for the recruits. They were all long courses, and it was all beyond me.
But neither of those appealed to me as the flight routine the Temethran began moments after drawing my attention. A few of the older dragons bellowed challenges to each other, then leaped into the air with a grace I have never seen anywhere else. There may have been only a few of them at first, perhaps six at most, but as they began to twist and turn I began to notice a few more seemingly slipping from the shadowed cusps of the starters' wings. But these were the smaller dragons that were never noticed on the battlefield, swooping down in the cover of night or on foggy days.
“Amazing routine, isn't it?"
I shrieked in fright as a voice emanated from my side. My head whirled around, the spines at the end of my tail flaring out as I whipped it towards whoever had spoken.
Fortunately, though, my panic-induced bashing only succeeded in burying a few of the sharper spines in the wall to my right and sending a jolt of pain up from the end of my tail.
“Whoa! Calm down, I'd rather keep my head on my shoulders, young one." Still I couldn't see who had spoken. It was definitely one of the thinner dragons that had joined in to the display, then.
Then a shadow broke free from the ceiling and dropped down to my side. I was right, one of the stealthier dragons that appeared out of nowhere. What I was wrong about was his size? the male was a little over halfway larger than I was.
“Not expecting a surprise? I must be getting good at that, then. Or you're just very unobservant. We'll fix that." As he spoke I looked him over. As I suspected he was of a thinner build, though he was still lithe and muscular. Oddly enough he was a burnished golden color despite his age, yet I had seen nothing of him as he was in the shadows.
Half-distracted as of that point, I hardly registered his words. “Fix that?" I asked absently.
He nodded. “You are choosing Temethran, right?"
“I… I think so."
“Good. I'll see you there. What's your name?"
“Seraphi."
“Good to hear. Make your way over, the display's much better the closer you get." He flew out to join the display, silent and, had I not seen him myself, almost unnoticeable. He certainly had his tricks, I thought.
“Seraphi!" As soon as I landed, I heard Jasik calling to me, and I filled with happiness to know he was also safe. If he had failed and became bloodless, without training, I would not have been very content with his and the elders' judgement.
My brother ran up to me, his eyes sparking in excitement. “This is great!" he exclaimed. “I knew you would make it!" Then his eyes dimmed, and he was solemn once more. “Some of the others after me… didn't make the cut. I heard the whole speech, how they were 'too weak' for any special training." Jasik looked up at me. “That's not going to happen to Tarinth, is it?"
A cold bolt of fear not unlike that of a crossbow embedded itself in my gut. What if Tarinth didn't make it? True, she was resilient, but it would crush her. I wasn't sure she could cope with the short-term to be able to recover in the long run.
I shook those thoughts out of my head. Surely Tarinth would pass, if only scraping by?
“No! Let me retry, please! I promise, I don't belong alone!" A cry rang out through the air, just faint enough for me to make it out. I pricked my ears.
One of the other Temethran recruits nudged me. “Sounds like someone didn't pass," he jeered. But by the time he finished talking I was already gone, trying to stop a horrible fear growing inside me.
As I reached the end of the crowd I could see the green dragon they were dragging almost forcibly away from the gates and out of site. My heart sank as I recognized the now defeated-looking emerald dragoness, and my blood ran cold at the thought of my friend becoming essentially less than a servant.
The first is the break in the story. It changes from time to time between the present and the past. The line does help with the transition, but I wouldn't mind a supplementary indicator, like you could put the text in italic when she is specking directly to the two dragons, and let it normal when it's mostly her remembering.
The other one is terminology. Did you create it, or does it come from somewhere? Either way, I'm a bit confused, though it doesn’t really keep me from understanding what is happening. The date is the part that confuses me the most. I would really like to have more explanation on that. If you feel it would be too much out of character, you could put a glossary at the start or the end of the book (or folder).
I didn't understand the part about the twin. Are they related by blood or not? If not, then is it common for two dragons to be paired as twins? And why? Maybe the answer comes later. If it is the case, then I would prefer to discover it then.
Over that, I love your story. I can wait to see what will happen next.
When it comes to terminology and whatnot, I do plan to add an index of sorts, but for all intents and purposes the story is readable without paying attention to the actual date; I'm still making sure I've measured days and dates correctly.
In short, there are 15 months of 3 weeks of 8 days each, with a five-day celebration at the end of each year, if you are wondering about that.
Nearly every bit of terminology I came up with completely independently, and what wasn't "purely" me has my own spin on it... names, specializations, everything except the city name, all mine, and the name of the city is a slightly differently worded allusion to another story series on Sofurry (The Dragon in the Dungeon) that gave me some inspiration to write this one, though it's only one of two passing similarities. Nothing invasive to either story.
As for them being twins, it is only covered slightly later in this edition currently. While it would be rare for two dragons to hatch from a single egg, it isn't uncommon for young dragons to bond in the communal hatchery, given that there is no parental influence, as eggs are given up at laying to avoid conflict between duty and family; the war is a desperate one and there is a reason living accommodations can be called spartan or draconic, even in real life.
I look forward to further feedback, it is much appreciated!
After the first rule (or line), the second paragraph, the way you present it, I couldn't help but feel there would be a surprise attack the same day, because they only thought they won a great battle, which lead to believe they were led to believe they did so they would lower their guard.
I would like to know more things about Irvanos, more precisely is it:
-close or far
-Big or small
-Made of rock or of wood
Also, I would like to know if they are somewhat cultivated, or plain barbaric.
On another subject, Seraphi say she is excited before the second break, but after it she is annoyed by the fact that Tarinth is excited, and become excited after confronting her. Though I guess it might be that I wrongly interpreted her mood.
Not long after the third cut, you say there is a silence between the three of them. You say it's not an awkward silence, but I was wondering what kind it was. Is it more "we don't have anything to say", or "we forgot we weren't speaking because we were looking around", or even an impatient one (as if not speaking would mean they would move faster)?
Oh, and you say patiently twice in the next sentence.
I was wondering who are the guide/helper. Are they some kind of mentor, or more like the selecting comity? Or both?
I'm kind of confused by the description of the first test. How can the tiling be hardly noticeable? And how did she fail it? Did she was too slow, and a wall closed in front of her? Or did there was a gust of wind and she was sent to the back of the room she was coming from? Or did she go too fast and fell into an optical illusion? Or did she lost her way and ended up getting back to the start while thinking it was the ending line?
The whole chapter kind of remind me of divergence. Is it part of your inspiration? I was wondering is it a normal result or not to have the profile for more than one house. What is the meaning of the last comment from her guide? Could it be dangerous for Seraphi?
Maybe I'm overthinking the whole thing.
To finish, at the end of the chapter, I wasn't a 100% sure it was Tarinth who was dragged. I had to go back to the description of the dragons earlier in the chapter to convince myself it was really her. Personally, I would have directly told her name, but if you prefer to let it that way as an emphasis on the fact that she doesn't believe it’s her, it could still work.
Speaking of names, is the golden dragon her future teacher? If so, it could be a good idea to name him, as he ask her name, but doesn't say his.
Really, it's definitely a good story, and after reading the first six part, I can't wait to read what's comming next.
Her impatience is merely due to not understanding Tarinth's reactions; she is in fact excited too, just not as obvious about it.
Their silence is more of a comfortable one, like... well, I could liken it to a companionable silence between friends. It is just that there is nothing to be said, and they are just enjoying themselves.
Noted.
The testing is one aspect of this story I still want to improve on. The feeling is there, but the execution of the scene is all off, it doesn't feel right compared to the rest.
I have heard the selection likened to divergent and harry potter, but I can't win them all. Like I said, I want to change the testing scenes. And while not dangerous... well, Seraphi does draw some attention from being so impressive, both from this and other events.
Yes, the gold dragon is important for a while longer, he gets introduced... I want to say next chapter at the beginning of it? Somewhere around there.
Thanks so much for the new feedback! Sorry I haven't been able to keep up in return right now, I'm currently redecorating and it's taking quite a lot of energy. After tomorrow I should have a lot more time!
I like how you explained some of the terminology without providing a textbook explanation of what it means. For example, the scene with the wind tunnel and the 'guide' told Seraphi she wasn't Versoth material. It provided an idea of what the Versoth are and what is required. It did require a little thinking about it on my part, but I like stories that inspire the reader to think about the characters and their situations rather than just handing everything to you and leaving little to interpretation.
I did wonder about a few things about the setting, but they were already mentioned and answered in previous comments, so I won't repeat them.
All and all, this is a good chapter and I can't wait to finish the rest of the story.