Cold.
I didn't feel a thing besides a cold nothingness. I had no dreams, and I had no thoughts. It was hard to think much of anything after Eli's voice faded. I couldn't puff my feathers for warmth. I couldn't shiver. It was just cold.
Slowly, I came to, feeling groggy and tired. I could hear Eli shouting, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. It was far from the first time I lost control, but it felt incredibly different. Usually, I would feel the hawk's actions even if just after I came too. I had never felt this tired after it, either.
I was lying on my back against the wooden surface of the table. Eli was kneeling over me, and I could finally begin to hear his words.
"Lyall? You still there, buddy?" His voice sounded afraid.
I moved my head to look about but did not attempt to stand up. I must have really lost it this time. How long did I go hawk for? The table was cleared off; originally, Eli had all of his paperwork and office supplies placed on it. Eli looked primarily unchanged, still shirtless, with the same feathers covering his back. I tried to lift my head from the table but felt uneasy.
"Woah there, mate! Let's take it slow." Eli brought a hand down to my head. He rubbed the feathers on the back of my head before gently setting it back against the table. Every time prior, I felt generally fine after regaining control, but this time I felt delirious.
"You went limp on me there. Just fell over, never seen anything like it." Eli sighed, "Thought something terrible happened, carried ya inside. By the time I tried to look further, you woke up!"
I slowly lifted my head from the table and looked around the room. The front door was open, and dirt was tracked across the carpet. Strewn across the floor appeared all of the things that were sitting on the table previously, as if they had been shoved off the table. No time had passed, and I had never lost control. Maybe the stress caused it, but I had passed out while in the field. I was both elated and worried by the thought of passing out. While I was happy I didn't lose control, my mind wasn't clear. It felt different, but still familiar. In the back of my mind, I could feel the most immediate thoughts wanting me to get onto my feet.
I did precisely that and rolled myself onto my belly, then my feet. After doing so, the thoughts calmed and faded away. While trying to think of where I had felt this way, I tried to remember how I felt before my changes were completed. At that time, I was at odds with the instincts and mind of the hawk. It felt like a struggle for power, with both sides acting against one another. I wanted to be human, but it wanted to survive. It wasn't until I had accepted my transformation that I felt the same as I do now.
It was when I realized that the hawk wasn't another living thing fighting for my body. The hawk was another side of me; we have the same goal: survival. Maybe it was my late acceptance of the changes, but it wasn't much longer that I gave in and flew off from my friends. My human side was given what it desired through the light interaction and purpose I felt, and my hawk side was given its desired companionship and survival. When I was living on my own, I never felt at odds with the hawk side of myself, but now, since my injury, I wasn't giving it what we needed. I tried to act like I was my old self again, ignoring my hawk side.
Elizabeth was right, and I needed a balance. I couldn’t forget who I was and everything I loved, but I couldn’t try to live in the past and ignore what needed to be done either. I am a hawk who needs to hunt to survive, but I'm still human enough to be myself. Looking up at Eli and the feathers scattered across his chest, I knew I wasn't meant to stay with him. Thinking back to how I've felt these past weeks, I wasn't truly happy. I loved having the chance to see all of my friends and to pretend like I was human again. I saw my mom again, and she got to know her son was still alive. I wasn't meant to live in a cage or display, but instead out and free, living as the bird I now am.
Eli got up from his knees and brushed off his jeans, "I think we should call it for today," he began to pick up the papers from the ground, stacking them on the table. "Maybe tomorrow we can-"
I interrupted with a squawk.
Eli turned and looked at me, confused. "You want to call it for today? Pick up again tomorrow?"
I shook my head in disagreement. I held my wings out, partially unfolded, and gave another squawk.
"Oh, you want to go back out today? After all of this?" Eli gestured to the mess he had made.
I nodded and brought my wings to rest tightly against my side. I was ready to go home, back to where I belonged.
Eli gave a half smile before setting another stack of papers on the desk. He straightened his legs and sighed loudly, his feathers lifting and then laying back smoothly against his back. "If you say so, hawk boy. Let's get to it then."
Eli picked me up on his bare hand and led me back through the open door. I tried my best not to dig my talons into his skin, but a few rough steps caused a couple of minor scratches. Eli didn't seem to mind, though. Once we made it back to the spot where I grabbed the starling, Eli put the glove back on and transferred me to it.
"You sure about this?" Eli questioned.
I gave another confident nod.
"Well, let's go for it then."
We spent the rest of the evening practicing like we had been the past few days. Eli seemed worried about having me hunt live prey and started me out with a lure again. This time, I leaned into my instincts and had success, but it felt different than before. I felt in control, even though I was relying on the hawk side to do it. It felt better than I had remembered, and I couldn't help but get excited. Although I knew my day of returning to the wild was coming, it finally felt within reach.
As it got later into the day, the temperature began to fall. My feathers did well to keep me warm, but the partial plumage on Eli's back was not doing him any favors. I flew back to Eli after taking a small final flight around the field, and upon landing, I could see Eli's arms as more feathers slowly grew down to his elbows. I made a chirp while pointing to the new feathers sprouting.
Eli shrugged, "They aren't hurting anything." He gave a fake smile and watched as they spread further down his arm. He gave my head a scratch and started walking back to his house. Inside, he turned up the heat and placed me on the couch. The room was still a mess of strewn objects from the table. Eli didn't seem to care much and sat down hard on the other side of the couch. He stared at his arm and watched some feathers slowly fall off it, leaving his shoulders and chest still covered. He let his arm fall limp to his side, and he leaned his head back.
"I think you're ready, Lyall." Eli's voice cracked slightly. "I think we did well today. I already sent a text to Liz. She's ready for you to come back." Eli turned his head to face away from me. Watching his chest, I could tell why as he exhaled rapidly. I knew he didn't want me to know he was upset, and I didn't want to pressure him. I laid my head on the cushion and closed my eyes. I felt myself falling asleep before Eli spoke.
"Don't tell Liz. I think it's better that she doesn't know." I looked up to see Eli staring at his arm once again. The feathers were slowly growing down his arm again. He laughed to himself, "You know, of all of the birds I would have expected, I would have thought that I would be more like Romeo or Willow. But nah, I'm a kestrel. It's weird how that works, isn't it?" Eli winced as he pulled a feather from his arm; rolling its shaft between his fingers as he studied the feather. "I only ever worked with a kestrel once before. It was in an accident not unlike yours. I watched it happen and pulled off to try and help it. I held her in my hands. Her wing was broken. At first, she seemed afraid of me, but I held her head and scratched at her neck. She closed her eyes, and it was like she fell asleep." Eli held the feather down for me to see. "Her feathers looked just like this. When I tried to wash the blood off in my van, I found one of her feathers. I always try to keep something to remember the birds I've worked with, and I still have her feather all this time later. I've never seen a kestrel since then, except now." Eli held his arms out and looked down at the feathers slowly growing from his chest.
"Maybe it's her way of saying thank you. Or maybe I'm just losing it. I mean, I am talking to a bird about it." Eli brought his arms back to his sides. "I think I am okay with it, though. The best part of the end is the journey, right? Because of you, maybe it's not the end." Eli smiled and closed his eyes, some feathers falling from his skin as the changes partially reverted.
I tried to think of what I could do, and ultimately, my human side won out. I slowly walked over to Eli's side and sat my head in his hand. While holding my head in this position, I saw the feather lying on his leg. Before long, they wouldn't fall out on command. Eli would eventually become a kestrel. Eli placed his thumb over my head and gently stroked my feathers, lulling me to sleep.
I woke up to find myself alone on the couch. Looking up, I saw Eli carefully putting on a button-up long-sleeve shirt. He looked slightly uncomfortable as he tried to guide the feathers into the sleeves. Once it was on, he winced but finished connecting the buttons. He walked back into the bird room and walked out with Romeo. Eli still hadn't noticed I was awake and whispered something to the hawk. His face turned red, and he gave the bird's head a small kiss and walked outside. Eli was probably busy working with Romeo, so I leaned against the cushion and tried to nap a little longer.
I was jarred awake by Eli coming back into the house. He removed his glove and placed it on the counter. I stood up on the couch and took a few steps closer. Eli saw me walking and wiped his face.
"Oh, Lyall. Morning to you," he said roughly.
I looked around the room for Romeo, but was unable to find him. Eli wiped his face again and looked up. "We have quite a bit to do today. Gotta take Willow to the sanctuary, then it's time for you to return to Liz." Eli walked over and offered his bare hand to me. I was hesitant at first but agreed to climb on. Eli walked me into the bird room, where I saw Willow eagerly waiting for us and Romeo's empty cage, its door still sitting open. Eli used his other hand to allow Willow to come out of the cage. He walked the both of us to his van, where he placed Willow and I on the floor in the back while he prepared her cage.
I watched Willow while Eli prepared. She stared directly forward and stood very still. Her head faced the wall of the van. She began to preen the feathers on her back, and when she finished, her head stopped while facing me. I moved my head, but she held still, not reacting to any of my motions. I looked closer at her eyes and saw the centers seemed lighter in the shade. She only seemed to respond to sounds and never looked directly at me, but she did try to look for Eli.
Eli coaxed her into a cage before latching the door and picking me up. I wondered why she wasn't ever tethered but didn't have long to think about it before Eli shut the back door. While he walked me to the front of the van, he looked up to the trees and seemed to search. He gave a rough smile before continuing to walk me to the door.
"He'll be alright. He's more than ready to be on his own. If only I could say the same." Eli chuckled.
Eli placed me on the seat and closed the door. He walked around to the other side of the van but looked at the trees again before opening the door. He sat quietly and started the engine. He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel before starting to drive away.
"Time to take you two home now," Eli said quietly, his face turning a deep shade of pink.
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