An Evolver with a special Gift,
An Insect of the Clay,
A Trickster with Illusions strong
All heroes of the day.
A Dragon Hatchling from the Maze,
A Physic from the days of Old,
Brought forth through the Guardians Grace,
And last but most importantly,
An Aura Reader strong and brave,
All heroes of the day.
While humming the song in her head, her hand quickly dashed to capture its words on paper. She had already published a copy of the song, Destiny's Way, and as Fern wouldn't know of it yet, the Delphox had to copy it again. She had outdone herself with this piece, feeling so proud as to fold it up, and put it in one of her daughter's favorite books, hoping Fern might draw inspiration from it. But her left ear twitched to the faint outrage of the approaching mob of witch-hunters, villagers once her friends, coming to drown her in a nearby watering hole. Time had run out for the Delphox. With her sleeping child in hand, the fox quickly climbed down the ladder of the sparsely furnished hut to her basement, and casted an incantation that opened a blue portal, leading to the future. The trail would end near a statue, Celebi's Grace as it's known, the beginning of the Fennekin's fate. To make her precious Fern an orphan of time crushed the mother inside- she doubted she had the strength to send her on this path- but it had to be done.
She puts her daughter down near the swirling portal, and murmurs, "Tomorrow, my sweet. your Journey starts tommarow," Delphox starts tearing up, a very hard thing to do for her (being a fire-type and all)."I just hope that that riolu treats you right, Fern. I can only hope." Delphox reaches to her daughter's shoulder, about to wake her up, but she decides against it. A time journey was very traumatic on the waking mind, seeing everything that happened between one time another. Instead she sends her daughter a message, just a physic impression. The general message was this: "Watch for the clues. You will know them when you see them." Delphox then sends her daughter the images of Delphox, dead, and the shack burned down."These will only come out in your dreams, tommarow, in the future..." Delphox says, tears running down her face, evaporating near her mouth as she activates a Flamethrower. She throws her daughter into the portal, along with the book that contains the song,the rough parchment fluttering in the wind coming from the future. Delphox runs away from the scene, tears streaming down her face. "Goodbye, my dear daughter. I will always be with you."
********
-I feel prophecies is a device best used somewhere around mid-story. It's best to throw little hints here and there about it to have your readers intrigued and thinking about it, building it up to a point where you can confirm there's a prophecy. Just straight up starting the story with a character writing it feels cheap and predictable. It deflates any future suspense or impact of it having on the story, since your readers have been aware from the START that it's in place. They will even predict which characters are going to be a part of it, and that's never good.
-And what was the point to Delphox burning down her house? Like, seriously, you could have Delphox just send Fern through the portal, and have it be the end of that. You can still have her cry, but why have her burn down her house and run away? that just feels like unnecessary drama.
That might've been good to know during the prologue, y'know?
I added some depth in the second part, and compromised some continuity issues that would be confusing to the next few parts of the story
As long as you let me compete by using pokémon, this will be interesting.
Oh, a prophecy. Seems to be too many expectations set up and no mystery as to who the protagonist is going to encounter.
"But her left ear twitched to the faint outrage of the approaching mob of witch-hunters, villagers once her friends, coming to drown her in a nearby watering hole. Time had run out for the Delphox."
These pokémon chasing the delphox seem rather dim. Pokémon have powers of witches, or something more powerful, so it's weird to see the delphox chased.
"The trail would end near a statue, Celebi's Grace as it's known, the beginning of the Fennekin's fate. "
So the portal leads to a statue called Celebi's Grace? That's a weird sentence structure.
"To make her precious Fern an orphan of time crushed the mother inside- she doubted she had the strength to send her on this path- but it had to be done."
And I feel like the chapter went way too fast. No build up at all as to who this delphox is or what's going on. Slowing it down by showing the delphox gardening with magic or doing some hobby she likes are some possible methods.
"Delphox starts tearing up, a very hard thing to do for her (being a fire-type and all)"
The scene would have emotion behind it if we saw mother like actions from the delphox before all this happened (and a tiny bit of song writting didn't cut it, especially with that prophecy interrupting before).
"Delphox then sends her daughter the images of Delphox, dead, and the shack burned down."
Now that's a good plot device. Like I said earlier, it would have more impact if I as a reader felt more respect and understood who Delphox is and why it matters.
Well, don't worry too much. It's a short chapter, and fleshing out the character of this mother could assist in bringing meaning to her actions and her life. In fact, it's possible this chapter actually doesn't do anything for the story, or for the main character's journey that's going to begin. (Did we have to know why the protagonist will have visions? How about why there's a song in a book? Maybe the protagonist could have investigated that herself over time?) These questions are important for a reader like me since the prologue can't explain everything that's going to happen in the story, we like to be curious :P