\n Foreword:
\n\n How can any follow in the footsteps of the great few?
\n\n Another poem for you! This one follows a significant, if childish, meter that I thought I was so creative for coming up with until I actually wrote it down. Regardless, I really like how this poem turned out. Yet another piece to come out of my jazz, blues, and poetry class, I branched out of jazz and blues and decided to write about my preferred genre of music, rock n' roll, and my thoughts on it.
\n\n Please, tell me what you think of the poem. Drop a comment or toss me a message; I deeply appreciate comments and criticism, and make attempts to improve my writing based on them. I would also like to thank Mr. Eupherious and several other friends for looking over the poem and making sure it doesn't suck as much as it could have.
\n\n Enjoy!
\n\n Content Copyright Sneeze 2010. Please don't use without permission.
\n\n
\n\n Moving On
\n for Elvis, Richard, Chuck, Buddy, and Jay Lee
\n You did not know that what you brave few would craft, of
\n the bare sticks and stones you had, would consume
\n the wide world with your frenetic
\n energy, and how can
\n we follow; where
\n can we go
\n without
\n you?
\n You gave us a new vision, a new set of rules
\n to break, though we were followers of your
\n example, trying to do as
\n you did, never able
\n to break free; what
\n can we do
\n without
\n you?
\n But now you are passing, moving on, the notes you
\n sang, the strings you plucked, the keys you struck, are
\n falling silent to infinite
\n time, and it leaves me dumb,
\n wondering what
\n can we be
\n without
\n you?
\n For while your students move on, playing your songs but
\n never the same, I cannot imagine
\n you brave few not watching us all,
\n and tears fill my eyes, for
\n I know we would
\n be nothing
\n without
\n you.
\n
I'm afraid I disagree with you on the syllable count lacking a pattern; I counted meticulously, and a friend confirmed, it goes from twelve, to ten, to eight, six, four, three, two, and one. The goal was to give a sense of diminishing and dwindling. Guess it didn't convey as well as I had hoped, but there is a pattern nonetheless.
As for the rhythm, if read as if there were no spaces or line breaks, it flows much better. I've seen many poems read this way and some are intended to be read as such, the line breaks being a visual indicator of some kind of theme in the poem or breaking it up into manageable pieces, as opposed to dividing the rhythm. However, I apparently didn't do as well with this concept as I hoped. There's always next time, though!
I'm glad you at least found the words powerful, thank you! And thank you for the other criticisms, I'll try to keep all these things in mind in later writing!
or "Or"
"You gave us a new vision, a new set of rules"
Is a complete line and makes sense.
"to break, though we were followers of your"
Is incomplete. The phrase is not finished. As that part is naturally read like this
"You gave us a new vision, a new set of rules to break
though we were followers of your example, trying to do as you did
never able to break free
what can we do
without
you?"
Basically, try reading it with the spaces in. Plan the poem around the intended syllables and it reads much more naturally.