CHAPTER 1 - The Package

“It’s only for four months,” Theo told me when he was leaving. “You know I can’t pass up this opportunity, Felix.”

I wanted to argue then, I wanted to scream that he didn’t need to go, but I couldn’t argue the fact. A chance to work in that lab definitely wasn’t something he could pass up. We’d been over this before, and it was my anxiety that was talking now. Theo had already spent years on his doctorate, so when the opportunity came to travel to the leading university in his field, because they wanted him there for the spring semester, who was I to tell him no?

“It’s okay, we’ll talk often,” he added, and reached out to brush the side of my muzzle. I knew he could smell my worry. It was palpable enough that I thought I could smell it too.

I nodded. We were on the East Coast because my own doctorate had brought us here, and now I was continuing on with a postdoc. Theo had only applied to the local university because it was the only game in town. We’d wanted to go out West together, but it hadn’t worked out, so here we were, two wolves working hard to achieve their dreams. I had landed in a prestigious department, and Theo…well, he had to make an opportunity for himself. To his credit, my better half had, but now that opportunity was calling him away.

“I understand,” I whispered. My ears lowered, and he put his paws on both sides of my muzzle and tilted it up so he could lick my nose. While I had a typical gray-and-yellow pelt, Theo’s was black, barely tinged with any white. His robust laugh and the fact that he was just a little taller than me had drawn me to him way back in undergrad. Since we both wanted to attend grad school, we had something to talk about, and I really did appreciate his drive to succeed. It matched my own. We’d been together ever since.

“Four months, and I can get what I need to finish my degree. Then, when I graduate, you should be finishing up your postdoc, and we’ll find a university that wants us both.” He smiled then to reassure me, giving his tail a soft wag.

“I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with a PhD in Computer Science and History,” I responded. “The history and evolution of programming language syntax is a bit of an esoteric topic, and there’s plenty of history majors. There are only a few biomechanical engineers with your specialty.”

“See, this is where you’re letting your depression get to you, and you’re falling back on that. You’re still a good coder, so you could go into industry. Anyway, your field is still developing.”

Even with my worry, I could feel my tail thumping. It, at least, could be enthusiastic, even though I felt like a wreck. Damn, I hated how well he knew me.

“I know,” I said again. I took in a deep breath and blinked. “You’ll miss your flight if you stay any longer.”

Theo’s ears flicked back, and he nodded. “You be strong for me, okay?”

“I’ll do my best.”

Theo nodded and wanted to say something else, but his phone pinged. He picked it up to check it. “My ride is here.”

I got off the bed and then kissed him with everything I had, wrapping my arms around him. I squeezed so hard that I felt him gasp before I let him go. “You knock ’em dead!”

“I will,” he replied, and then he returned my kiss. He then reached for his backpack, and paws intertwined, I walked him downstairs and out of our apartment. We held hands all the way to the car. If the ride share driver gave a shit, well, that was on him. Anyone doing rides at 4 a.m. probably saw a lot of weird shit. Two guys kissing in the dark in the freezing cold of January and then separating as one of them got in the car? That wasn’t weird at all.

I watched as Theo’s car drove down the street, made a left, and was gone. And then I went back to the apartment, surrounded by his scent, and waited.

Now, nine months later, Theo’s still gone. He scent is completely fucking gone from the apartment. One semester became two, and then they still wanted him there? Why did I think anything about getting a PhD would be easy and timely? Hell, I knew mine took an extra year just because my advisor decided it should. At least he’s letting me eke out another year on my postdoc, but that hadn’t been easy to negotiate, either.

Climbing those stairs to my fourth-floor apartment—no, our fourth-floor apartment—for the hundredth-plus-something time alone is getting old. It isn’t only the summer heat that is taking a toll on me. I’ve lost weight, and it isn’t because I am getting more exercise; I just haven’t been eating much.

I notice a small slip on my door letting me know the office has a package for me. I’ll have to get it tomorrow, since they are already closed. Maybe it was another care package from my mother. She’s started sending them like I was a freshman again, although I really wish she’d stop sending me that jerky. I loved it, but I still have two untouched bags sitting in the pantry.

I’m in the middle of unlocking the front door when my neighbor pokes her head out. “Fel?”

My ear flicks toward her as I hear my nickname, and then I turn toward the doe. “Hey Shelia.”

“Hey, so Theo called. He told me to get your package for you,” she says, holding up a small cardboard cube.

“He did?”

“Yeah,” she says, handing it to me. “He said you’d want it now.”

I look at the box with suspicion as I accept it. The return label has my address on it, but I can tell it was shipped from out of town. “Thanks,” I say, tucking the box under an arm.

“Yeah, no problem. Hey, if you want to do dinner sometime this weekend, let me know, okay?” she offers.

“Okay,” I say, realizing she probably talked to Theo about more than the package. They always did like chatting when he was here.

“Anyway, you look beat, and it’s already getting late, so get some rest. Hopefully I’ll hear from you tomorrow.”

I nod. “Thanks, let me see how I feel,” I respond, knowing I just don’t have the interest or energy. She’s nice, but she’s not Theo. I have reading to catch up on, anyway.

She doesn’t say anything but lets me walk into the apartment and close the door after I grab the slip. I put the package down on the counter and toss the slip into the trash. Putting my work bag down by my computer in the spare bedroom, I glance at the other desk in the room, the one that has been vacant for nine months. I used to be able to tell when Theo was concentrating from across the room due to the slow wag of his tail, with the way it stuck out and brushed against the back of his chair. The feeling of him there with me always made the long hours of working worth it, but I haven’t heard that sound in so long.

The ringing of my phone startles me, and I pull it from my pocket. It’s Theo.

“Hey,” I say. “I got your package.”

“I know, Shelia told me.”

My ears splay at that. “Do you have her spying on me now?”

There’s a soft laugh. “I just wanted to make sure you got the package before the three-day weekend. The office will be closed till Tuesday.”

“Oh, you’re right.” I forgot that Labor Day is Monday. Hell, it barely registers to me that today is Friday. “Time flies when you’re busy.”

He gives a soft woof. “Ain’t that the truth.”

At least with him on the phone, I can cherish him for a bit, before I have to crawl into the bed alone. I should eat something, but somehow dinner just doesn’t seem appetizing right now. “How are things going?” I ask, wandering into the living room.

There is a sigh on the other end of the line. “They want me to stay for another three months.”

I freeze. “Three more months?”

“Yeah, and it’s hot garbage. I let them talk to me into the summer, and then the first month of the fall semester, but now they want me stay all the way till December? I love the lab, but I can’t do it.”

I can feel my chest tightening. “Honey, what are you going to do?”

Theo was silent for a moment. “I’m thinking of cashing out with a master’s degree and calling it over.”

“Theo… you’re six years in,” I say. Even in my most depressed moments, the blunt reality of getting a PhD still sets in. These things always take longer to earn than they tell you it will.

“Yeah, I am. It’s supposed to be a five-year program, but at this rate it’s looking like it’ll be at least another year on top of the six.”

I somehow manage to find myself on the couch. “Theo… you…” God, I don’t want to do this.

“Need to stay?”

I give a soft woof in response.

He takes a deep breath. “For what, Fel, so my advisor can keep jerking me around?”

“You need your degree.”

He sighs. “Fel, how long has it been since you’ve seen me?”

“Seven months.”

“And that was for barely more than a weekend. Four fucking days in seven months!” he growled into the phone.

“Theo…”

“Felix… it’s 9 p.m. and you’re just getting home. You can’t tell me this is easy for you, either.”

My tail curls defensively, even though he can’t see it. “I was working.”

“Were you?” he asks.

Damn, I hate that he can still read me so well. “I was trying to. I didn’t get much done.”

Theo sighs again. “Fel, this isn’t working. Not us I mean, this arrangement.”

I pick at the tip of my tail with a claw. “The life of an academic. You go where the work is, and hopefully that’s someplace you like.”

“Look, I’m going to finish the month out, and come home as planned. If that doesn’t work for them and my advisor gives me shit, I’ll see if someone else in the department will take me. If no one will, I’m going to bounce.”

“Theo, I can hold on a little longer,” I offer. “It’s rough, but I can do this.”

“You shouldn’t have to. Anyway, did you open the package?”

“Uh, no.”

“Go open the package first and tell me then that you can wait three more months for me to come home.”

I frown and get up to get the box. “I don’t understand.”

“You will in a second,” he says as I pick up the box and attempt to slip a claw under the tape to tug at it, but to no avail.

“You can use scissors, you know!” he laughs, obviously realizing what I’m doing from the sounds of me struggling.

“Whatever. I need to trim my claws, so they’re a little sharper than normal,” I respond, finally getting one under the tape and using it to slice the box open. I flip open the cube and am greeted with a ziplock bag full of black fur. “What the… Is this your shed fur?”

“Yeah.”

I pull out the bag and closely examine the contents, letting the box drop to the floor. “Why did you—”

I pop it open, and then the scent hits me. His scent, warm and comforting. His scent enveloping me as we lay on the bed together. His scent as he does his schoolwork. The thing that’s been missing from my life. Everything I’ve dreamed of, and cried over, for months: it’s all right here in this bag.

“Felix?”

My mind is racing. “I… forgot how strong it was.”

Theo gives a soft, affectionate whine. “Scent memory is a powerful thing. We forget about it sometimes, but the last time I gave myself a good brushing, I was thinking about how you used to help me do that, and how much I’ve missed you. I made up my mind then, and I decided to collect a good chunk of my shed fur and put it into the bag for you.”

I sit back down on the couch, processing all the memories the scent brings to me. Us kissing. Us holding hands. Dinner, movies, lovemaking, everything we did together. “It’s weird how the mind works,” I finally say.

He sighs. “I miss you so much. I can barely remember what you smell like. Now do you see why I need to come home?”

Normally we’re always trying to get shed fur off the furniture or our clothes to at least look presentable, but here I am, a bag of his shed fur in my paws, and I realize how it’s not just his scent that’s missing from this apartment, but his black fur on my sheets or my shorts. I can’t remember the last time the lint roller pulled up anything but gray and yellow fur.

“Yeah, yeah, I do, but I can’t let you just throw in the towel after you worked so hard. I can send you some of my own fur, after I brush tomorrow.”

I hear his voice hitch. “I’d like that, but no. That would only encourage me to stick it out.”

“Yes, but your research, and the project!”

“I’ve got a month. And I’m going to give it my all, but I can only do what I can do.”

My tail thumps, betraying my excitement that he is coming home soon, but I push the rational part of my mind forward. “Theo, I can make it to December.”

“Fel, I’m…not sure I can.”

I feel those words in my soul. The isolation hasn’t just been mine alone. I think of where he’s staying now: he has his own room, his own bathroom, but beyond that, the space is fairly basic. We’d tried to sleep together on the twin bed in the room, but there wasn’t space for both of us and he ended up sleeping on the floor. I’ve had the luxury of at least still being in what was once our home together. He’s had to navigate a new city on his own without anyone to share the experiences with.

“I understand,” I say. “I just hope your advisor does too.”

He snorts into the phone. “If not, they can talk to the dean about how they lost yet another grad student. Anyway, let’s see how the month goes before I get into doom-and-gloom mode.”

“Yeah…” I sniff at the bag of fur again. “I miss you a lot, Theo.”

“Soon, my wolf, I will be back in your arms, and you won’t have to dump fur on the couch.”

My ears go up. “What do you think I’m going to do with this, roll in it?” I ask, and this time, my tone feels lighter, almost as if a weight has been lifted from me.

He laughs, and suddenly I’m reminded of the handsome wolf I met back in undergrad who was only then starting to take this college thing seriously. “That’s what I’d do.”