I rarely give a five....This one earned it. Yeah, a bit short but nonetheless quite captivating. I can tell you have some serious wits by the way you have with words (stump-rump, I liked that one!)

Onwards to second chapter!

Shit, I regret not reading your stories earlier. Well now I am hooked. This is really really good and I hope that one day I can write almost as good as you. It's perfect! It's "real life" and it's exactly what I have been looking for. I wish I could finish the whole series right now but I am about to pass out...

This is the kind of description that I'd like to put in my work. I love it and I am going to read the rest. :)

Hi Cauldron O Boifur -

It's a good start. I like your writing; clear, concise, effective. I'm less thrilled with the exposition. Yes, I know you're just starting your story, yes, I know it's difficult to show rather than tell about the world and the backstory ... but exposition of that sort leeches the vitality and immediacy of a world - not so much because it's destructive in and of itself, but rather because every single 'tell' is a missed opportunity to 'show' - and nothing creates a world like showing it. There are a number of missed opportunities here.

Just to take one as an example: Phurrydelphia apparently has rigged elections. You could show a closed campaign office, or abandoned signs and this could lead to the character wondering how a city supposedly 80% party A would elect someone from party B.

But once past the city exposition, things improve markedly. Even if it's only for ten paragraphs. I have high hopes that this continues through the rest of the series!

Cheers,
Onyx Tao

wonderful, this intro really pulled me in