Self-Care for Furries

Volume I

Arian Mabe

Introduction

It's a strange thing to consider, just how self-care works and why it's important to us. Being in the furry fandom, it can be something that's even more vital to your daily health and mental wellbeing, although the physical side certainly comes into play too. It's not the rule but it is a growing concern that many in the fandom can find themselves quite isolated or so caught up in a busy life, usually in front of a screen, and lack the nuances of self-care that are hardly accessible to modern Western culture as we know it anyway.

So, what is self-care? Why do we need it? Do we even need it at all? I'd say that the lack of self-care can be seen in many ways. You see a tired person who works all hours and never has any time for themselves. You see a parent, their every waking hour consumed by work and children. You see a student, studying into the night (stop giggling, I was that one). You see someone always rushing from A to B, filling their days with the busy when, really, it could be cut down and refined into something altogether more manageable.

Self-care is not exclusive to furries but you may not be aware that it exists. I admit that when I first had self-care mentioned to me, the first option that pops up on the internet search is, of course, a manicure and a bubble bath. Now, I like my water at a temperature better suited to the depths of hell (like my soul) and, as much as I like bubbles, I don't like to spend too long getting all wrinkled and gross. And a manicure... Look, let's get real here. I'm twenty-six on writing this and I'm yet to have a manicure. Taking care of your nails is important but self-maintaining in most cases unless you're a champ at biting them or ripping off the skin around them.

So, let us not do the whole manicure thing. I'm sure there are guys that like manicures – hey, it's in the name! – but the point I'm trying to make here is not that one size fits all. One idea is not the be all and end all of self-care and there are many, many different things to try.

Self-care is about looking after yourself and, truly, about living your life. You may think that you're living your life as you're going to work and you're doing the weekly shop at the supermarket and you're looking after your family and you're doing this and you're doing that – but there's a reason why busy, overwhelmed people burn out. There's a reason, or many reasons, that we are here in this world, regardless of what you believe. But you are the only one who can truly control what you do or don't do and are ultimately responsible for the life you lead.

Let's try to make it a good one.

Now, looking after yourself can be more difficult than expected. It's funny that we're taught to wash and clothe ourselves and all of that basic care stuff when we're much younger but there's a missing element in enjoying ourselves, in relaxation. School pushes you to work harder and turns fun into something that should be a career path – look at those who get into football when they're younger. If it's not something that will give them a brilliant sports career, children are kept at it because it's character building or something else to add to the CV/resume or even a college or university application. Does everything really have to have a purpose? And how did things even end up like this?

I don't know and I'm afraid I don't have the answer for that one. Although I believe that fun activities can have a secondary purpose, there is enormous value in doing something simply because you enjoy it or it brings something positive to your life. Our lives do not hold value in achievements jotted down on pieces of paper and all value is subjective and objective anyway. It doesn't really mean anything concrete and it's certainly not something you can touch either.

It's common still to hear that you should work to live and not live to work and yet we still find ourselves putting in extra hours, simply working to pay the bills. Our lives are very different to those of the generations that went before us and, frankly, we need to take better care of ourselves. Perhaps the routine and family life buoyed people up in years gone by and carried them forward – right up to the end of their days – but there is something deeper now, a greater introspective that has us asking the hard questions of our lives and the world around us.

Intelligence is not always a sweet deal and maybe you understand the meaning behind saying that ignorance is bliss too. But, there are many things we can try in our lives to cope with the demands that modern life places on us – rather unjustly, I should say. Remember, you don't have to do everything the media channels say you should be doing. It's not a loss to not be dining out every week because you can't afford it but it's certainly a gain to share a home-cooked meal with people you care about. There are lines and blurred lines in our society that tell us what to do, how to behave, what we should aspire to without considering that we are all individuals.

I'm not about to tell you to let these things go but I hopefully will be able to show you some ways to make it just ever so slightly better. And onwards we shall go to a time that is better, because that is the only direction in which we can move along with the passage of time, as much as, sometimes, we may wish it to stand still.

One size does not fit all when it comes to self-care but perhaps you will find some ideas in this book to spur off some of your own. Self-care is tailored to you as an individual and should enrich and stimulate your life, allowing you to rest and recover, although, of course, everyone does this in a different way. For me, I enjoy quiet time without manufactured sound, no traffic, no television, perhaps just sitting out in the field. It's a physical relief to feel tension slipping from my shoulders and I take great pleasure in escaping reality in reading, living other lives before returning to my own, refreshed and ready for what comes next.

This first volume details a selection of self-care ideas for furries and my personal experiences in putting these ideas into practice.

1.    Read a book or magazine for an hour – away from a screen

It's an obvious one, isn't it? We've all heard that we're spending far too much time in front of screens these days and, really, it's most likely true. When I was in an office job, I spent from eight to four in front of a computer screen, bar a thirty-minute break for lunch. And, during that lunch, I'd often have to check my phone, sort e-mails and the like. After work? Well, I'd get some time at the gym without a screen or going out for a walk for exercise, which was a blessing, but then I'd be back on the laptop to complete one or two hours of writing work.

Typically, after all that, I'd collapse in front of the television to watch an episode of one thing or another, which is yet another screen. Although reading can also cause eye strain, looking at paper rather than an artificially lit screen is definitely a step in the right direction. A bonus here is that the activity of reading is, of course, free. You can so easily pop to the library or pick up a book from a charity shop, if you don't have much free money for entertainment, and there's always the option to buy a brand new copy too from a local bookshop.

Even a magazine, I'd argue, helps in this aspect of self-care in giving your eyes a break while taking you away from the screen. Both of these allow you to go to your preferred location also and, please, put the phone aside for a short while as you enjoy your break. You've earned it, you deserve it. Sit down and read.

2.    Sit outside

Another common one. “Young people these days don't get outside enough!" Hm, well, the pollution and such and lack of safe spaces can be a factor here, of course, and the world is not the same as it used to be with prior generations. However, getting outside is a blessing that will take you away from the sensation of being cooped up. Sometimes, we get too used to living in our neat little boxes.

Personally, I struggled in winter when I went from home to work to the gym and back again during the week. Of course, these are all places that I need to personally be and the dark nights disallow much walking during the winter; I'm a bit of a scaredy-cat walking alone in the dark, never quite sat right with me after moving from the Welsh countryside. But that doesn't mean that it was draining to simply not have that outside time, that peace to sit and think and just be.

Pick a place. Like meditation, this can be built up gradually from as little as a minute at a time until it becomes a habit and, if it works for you, something that you can anticipate and look forward to. Now, your place can be anything outdoors from a balcony to a park bench to a beach. As long as it's outside and you are both comfortable and safe there, it's good to go.

What do you have to do when you are sitting? Nothing in particular. I'd advise avoiding a screen for this time. Perhaps you'd like to meditate for a short time or maybe there is wildlife to watch. People watching is a fantastic pastime (or maybe I just need to get out more, ironically) but consider the effect of the weather on your skin, how the sun feels, if there's a prickle of rain in the air. Relax and enjoy the sensations for your time and extend your outdoors time, varying the locations until you find your firm favourites, as you can.

Remember, this is supposed to be enjoyable. If you're not an outdoors person normally, look for somewhere outdoors with things to occupy you. If you do enjoy being outdoors normally, make sure you're allowing yourself time to refresh yourself with this, taking that moment to, quite literally, stop and smell the roses. That pause of sitting away from everything else in the world is more valuable than we yet understand.

3.    Take a leisurely walk

Walking. I will preach the benefits of exercise and my absolute love of working my body but walking was my first joy. When I could not sleep and insomnia was the plague of my life, I spent hours walking around a country town at night. That, in hindsight, was not the healthiest activity but at least it kept me from staring at the computer screen for hour after hour in the dead of the night (and invariably ending up in that weird part of YouTube again – come on, we've all been there).

There is nothing more soothing to me than stretching my legs, whether it's between workouts or simply to enjoy a break. I prefer walking with music sometimes but, lately, I've been going without headphones (the horror) or doing the very antisocial thing of putting headphones in without playing any music. Revolutionary! Everyone leaves me alone and I get to listen to the birds singing away!

Exercise is, of course, highly important but the real benefit of a leisurely walk is taking the purpose away from it. Okay, sure, you're doing it (if from this book) as an act of self-care, but take away the need of a destination, such as a shop or getting to work or going to the train station. Find a new route around your neighbourhood or go to a park that you keep passing and yet never stopping at to have a look around. Wander. Mooch. I love that word: mooch. It means to loiter listlessly. And that's where you want your mind to be too, sometimes. It doesn't always need to be working, thinking, worrying about this and, oh my god – did you consider if that happened? That would be dreadful!

Quiet. Go for the walk. Enjoy your mooch about. It's time to begin allowing your brain to switch off.

4.    Binge watch your favourite show

A little bit different after speaking about going out and walking and the like but a good show can suck you in like a good book. It is an escape from reality and, like reading a book, it allows you to live and enjoy a life other than your own. Whether the problems and conflict is all wrapped up over half an hour or drawn out over a greater chunk of the series, this absorption is a kind of self-care that we can perhaps feel guilty about.

It's in the name, isn't it? 'Binge'? And, what, pray tell, is so wrong with binging? I'm not advocating that you throw away your responsibilities and binge watch shows obsessively for weeks on end but there is a lot of good to be found in binge-watching a show that makes you feel good for a day or an evening – whatever floats your boat. It's about emerging refreshed from a self-care instance and, of course, this method of self-care is wonderful for resting your body too, something that I have a particular problem with as I often have far too much physical energy coursing through me. A show is a distraction and can bring stillness to your body while refreshing your mind.

5.    Take a nap

Oh, how I'd love a nap right now. I completely understand and sympathise if you are not a 'napper' either but I have to admit there are plenty of benefits to napping. A short nap can leave you refreshed and help you catch up on, no doubt, much-needed sleep. We burn the candle at both ends these days and taking some time to scrape back some of that lost sleep during the day can pay off dividends in the end.

It's time that is of pure rest for your mind – you can hardly think and worry if you're asleep and it's unlikely that your subconscious will dredge up painful or awkward memories while your eyes are closed in this regard. Of course, if you are prone to sleep disturbances, you may want to give this one a miss; only you know yourself well enough to understand if this will work for you.

If not a nap, lying quietly with your eyes closed (phone alarm set!) may be of great benefit too as it allows the restful time if not the rejuvenation of slumber.

6.    Order in dinner or go out for dinner

I adore good food and I love the company of my partner and friends when going out for dinner. But a great deal of money doesn't have to be spent on this whether you are enjoying some alone time or spending a meal with people you care about. One important act of self-care is making sure that you eat and, if you have to order in junk food to make sure you get a solid meal one day, you should order in junk food to make sure you get a solid meal that day. Eating is more important than not eating and there are often so many limitations and restrictions on what we 'can' and 'can't' eat these days.

Going out for a dinner is a treat for most people and it's very important to remember to treat yourself. Yes, there may be a lot going on in life and the world but just where do you think you're going to get in your sense of self and happiness if you deny yourself a treat?

Better yet, you have to eat, don't you? So, it's a little bit of a justifiable treat, if you need that 'push' to give it to yourself here. Of course, justifying treats like that is not healthy long-term behaviour but it's a little bit of a start and a step in the right direction if you struggle with treating yourself to something like dinner or ordering takeaway food when you need to eat to begin with.

Give it a try. You may even find a new restaurant (or, in my case, a pub) that you like!

7.    Eat healthily

Oh, the boring one. And a slight contradiction: after all, I just told you to treat yourself to takeaway food or eat dinner out at a restaurant. But there are great benefits to eating healthier and building up small changes to a healthy eating lifestyle.

Don't diet. Change your diet. I hate the word 'diet' as in 'dieting'. Does everything have to be about losing weight these days? It's absolutely ridiculous. Clean eating would be the ideal epitome of eating but it's not entirely practical these days. Quick food is necessary sometimes so don't beat yourself up either if you don't make healthy choices all the time. I believe the balance is 80% healthy eating against 20% free eating (I hesitate to stipulate 'unhealthy eating' there!) but the smallest percentage is as good a start as any.

Try swapping snack bars for fruit and evening drinks for non-alcoholic versions. In my case, sometimes I just crave the taste of a cider and not the actual alcohol, so I can easily make a healthier choice there. I could make it even healthier by going for apple juice or some sort of fancy pressed juice mix, which would probably hit the spot even more. I cook hotpots and soups at home so that I have quick, healthy meals ready to go and on hand too, because I know just as well as anyone that it's not practical to spend hours cooking every night of the week.

Sometimes it needs to be quick. But it can be a healthier choice too. And it can still be tasty!

8.    Treat yourself to nice food

You have to eat so it should be nice. I've found this divine smoothie mix recently and it is everything I want in a sweet treat and more. Of course, too much sugar is going to be bad for you in the long run but you can find better substitutes for unhealthy treats some of the time, if you're working it in balance with healthy eating.

So, eat the chocolate and eat that portion of cake (don't eat the whole cake). Have the burger and, damn it, the chips too! It's life and it's meant to be lived. You're meant to enjoy food and the taste, the feel of it in your mouth. It's a base need and one that so easily plays into self-care as you require it to live.

Secondly, remember that a treat can be trying something new too. Mangos? I've hardly had these and they do seem to be a sweet taste in my memory, so perhaps I'll have to pick one up myself for my own little bit of self-care this evening! Try something new and don't feel guilty about it. It's a treat. And you need it.

Trust me.

9.    Go stargazing

Stargazing is a wonderfully relaxing pastime regardless of whether you have a telescope or just want to wander outside and look at the stars. Look up some constellations online to try to find yourself and take a friend, if you have a like-minded one who can come out with you, to look up at the night sky.

The only problem with this one is that, of course, we have a great deal of light pollution in the cities; I didn't realise this until I visited London and moved from the countryside to somewhat near some cities, although they are still on the smaller side in my eyes. It's enough light pollution that I can't see many stars still where I am so I'd definitely recommend making a little trip to somewhere with less light pollution at night to tackle this one.

Who knows – you could even make a little adventure out of it and visit somewhere new while you're at it!

10. Indulge your creative passions

One that is increasingly difficult with how busy our lives have become. Everything demands our attention: shopping, laundry, cleaning, work, family, bills, more work... It's never-ending and we know it. With all this going on, just how is anyone meant to find time to indulge in something creative?

Well, making the time is an important aspect of self-care too. Trim down what you have going on (can you enlist a partner to assist with more chores at home, for example?) and take a step back. Build in time to be creative like you block out time for work every day. And what you choose to exercise your creative right in is entirely up to you!

I'm a writer. Yes, I know: shocker, isn't it? But I will sketch to relax, even if I'm not all that good. I enjoy the process of seeing a piece take shape before me and it soothes my eyes a little to also be away from a computer screen for this particular pastime. There are many different creative pursuits to try your hand at, including some of the following: painting, candle making, engraving, baking, wood carving, singing, photography, making jewellery and so on.

Pick and choose. Have a play. It's entirely up to you what you try and a class may allow access to materials without you having to front the cost of a brand new set of oil paints right off the bat.

End preview of Self-Care for Furries: Volume I.

Thank you for reading. If you may find this eBook useful, it may be purchased for a small fee via Kindle and Smashwords worldwide.

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