CHAPTER 1 - The Embrace

The Embrace

Written by Lou le Loup

Content warnings: Homophobia (both external and internalized), homophobic and transphobic slurs, and discussion of suicide.

They say that, in the moments before you die, you see your life flash before your eyes. Maybe not your whole life, but at least the most important and impactful bits show up all at once. I had always wondered if this would happen to me when my time finally came, and what I would see when it happened.

There were times, many times, that I thought about finding out for myself on my own terms, once and for all. The day came when I decided to finally follow through, though in the end, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I still didn’t have my answer, and I only felt bitter with myself for being a coward.

But years after I backed away from the ledge at the end of that old dirt road, I couldn’t be more grateful for my supposed “failure”. Years after this happened, I got my answer. Only, not in any way that I would have ever expected.

~~~~

“JAY!” Lav shouted my name as she banged on my front door. “JAAAAAAY!!!!!!” Pound, pound, pound, pound, pound.

Jolted up from the couch at the sudden noise, and thinking someone died with the urgency in her knocking, I rushed to answer. “What the hell is it??” I asked as I swung open the door.

The deer looked straight at me. She looked nice, all dressed up pretty in makeup and a typical outfit for going out. Her seemingly urgent demeanor entirely went away as she feigned total innocence. “Hi!” she said softly, putting on a smile, and lifting a hoof to wave at me.

I just stared at her for a few seconds, really contemplating closing the door again. “...Hi.” I eventually said back to her.

She looked me up and down, arching an eyebrow. “Oh, you are not wearing that tonight, you hobo,” she said.

“What?” I said, looking down at my stained t-shirt and sweat pants. I had no idea what she was talking about. For all I knew, I was just going to stay in and play video games. “Wearing this to what?”

And her frantic demeanor was back. “DID YOU NOT GET MY TEXT?” she practically yelled at me.

I put my paws into my face. “You know how much I hate texting,” I said. “I can’t figure the damn cell phone out and my stupid fat thumbs are too big for those tiny buttons. Just call me instead.”

“Oh, you know that won’t happen,” Lav said, scoffing. “I’m not regressing back 10 years just because you’re too old and decrepit to figure out how to use a flip phone."

“Wow. Burn. You got me, yeah, 24 is ancient,” I said. With how much she had helped me out the past year, I wanted to be polite and humor her, but at the same time, I just wasn’t in the mood. I just wanted to disappear into my room for the night, just be left alone. Same as every night. But I knew she wouldn’t let me have that, not when she got like this.

“Go,” she said, pushing me into my apartment and forcing me to walk backwards. “Go now. Check your phone. Now. Right. Flipping. Now!”

I stopped her pushing. “Lav, I don't even really know where my phone is right now,” I said. She looked shocked to hear this, mouth gaping almost comically wide. I couldn't help but roll my eyes a bit and laugh. “Why, what was the message?”

Lav looked more than annoyed to pull out her own cell phone, but I knew she was just joking around, always the drama queen. She showed me the message she sent me: “u. me. pick u up at 7 2nite. ur GOING.” Attached to the message was a picture that was too pixelly to make out, but I recognized what was in the photo. It was a bright pink poster in a hidden corner of the campus that Lav had spoken to me about. Every time I passed it by myself, I stared at it a bit too long. It read: “First Rainbow Social of Fall ‘06! All are welcome! BYOB!” with a location, time, and today’s date at the bottom.

My blood went cold as I realized what it was, and I…

I…

I was 12, in middle school, wondering why my friends wouldn’t stop talking about the girls they liked. I wondered if I should talk like them, too. I wondered why I never thought about girls like they did. I wondered why I wasn’t normal, I wondered what was wrong with me, and I hated myself for it.

I snapped back to the present. “Lav, I don’t know if I’m ready…” I said.

She must have seen my change in demeanor, because her dramatic façade dropped and she became the supportive friend that helped me get back on my feet the past year. “Hey, hey,” she said, “it’s gonna be okay. This will be good for you! It’ll get you out of the house, and you can meet other g-”

I flinched. “Please,” I said, trying not to sound like I was begging.

Lav nodded. “Other… people like you. Look, you’re not going to meet anyone else cooped up in here, and everyone who’ll be there might just be able to understand what you’re going through. And besides, a big scary wolf like you should have nothing to fear around there! They should be scared of YOU!” she said, lightly punching my shoulder.

“Lav…” My voice was shaking. “That’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t think I’d be welcome.” My throat felt dry. “And… and what if Matthew is there?”

“Well, it’s been over two years. He’s had some time to heal.”

“But what if he hasn’t yet?”

Lav paused for a brief moment. “Do you want him to stay hurt and upset with you forever?” she asked.

“Of course not, but…”

“Then, if he’s there, tonight would be a perfect opportunity to apologize and start to make up for it.”

“Lav…” I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else.

“Jay,” she said back. “Look. You skipped out on all of these meet ups last year, and you’ve always been mad at yourself about it. I know you, and you’ve grown so much since then. And now, since it's your last year here, you can’t say ‘maybe next year’ anymore. Even if you’re scared, I know you’d regret not going more than you’d ever regret going.”

I sighed. I couldn’t argue with that. She was right. Although I was petrified to go, deep down, I was so sick of wallowing in my own self-pity. It was now or never. So reluctantly, I let Lav take the lead. “...Okay,” I finally managed to say.

“Okay, big guy!!!” she cheered, and brought me in for a hug. I didn’t get hugged very often, so the sudden full body touch surprised me. I didn’t know how to react, and I didn’t hug her back. She seemed unphased by this as she let go. “Now come on, it starts soon, and I won’t be caught dead with you in those nasty pajamas. What is that, tomato sauce? On a white t-shirt? Girl. Let’s get you changed.” 

Lav took me by the paw and led me to my own bedroom, opening the closet door. I sat on the bed. “I have no idea what I would even wear to this sort of thing,” I admitted.

“What do you mean?” Lav asked, going through the button-ups on my hangers, taking them down one at a time to get a good look. “You should just dress like yourself!”

“Well, I don’t think ‘myself’ would really fit in. Like, I don’t really act feminine, or dress like a woman or anything, not like you do.”

Lav turned back from the closet, a tired look in her eyes. “Excuse me?”

Oh, fuck, I thought. “I’m sorry,” I said, “I didn’t mean to-”

“I don’t dress like a woman, I dress this way because I am a woman.” Her usual drama-queen act was gone. There was a genuine and justified frustration that I knew she was tired of having to explain.

“You are,” I said. “I misspoke. I’m sorry. It… Everything, this whole thing, it’s still all so new to me.”

She let out a sigh. “I know,” she said. “I know you’re going through a lot yourself, and you’ve been really good to me, all things considered. Anyway, don’t worry, that's just a stereotype, not all men in the community dress or act feminine. Just be yourself.” She took a breath. “And I’m sorry, it’s just hard. I was feeling great about how I looked tonight, but on my way here, some dude I passed on the street yelled out to me and called me a ‘fucking tranny’. I try to ignore it, but it catches up to me sometimes. I guess I’m still a bit on edge.”

I flinched at her use of that word, and I…

I…

I was 13, hanging out with boys who were a few grades older than me in town after school. A lion wearing a sun dress walked past us down the street, with their mane tied back in some places and trimmed down in others as much as possible. I’d never seen someone crossdress before. The other boys spat out hurtful names to the lion, so I did too to fit in. The lion quickened their pace and didn’t turn back to look at us. I later told myself that we “only said words”, as if those words weren’t hurtful enough. I didn’t like hanging out with those boys. I still continued to.

I didn’t have the right to feel scared for myself, not after the pain that I had caused. And yet, I was still terrified of the same thing happening to me, if it was ever obvious that I was… if I was ever caught with other people who were… I still couldn’t even bear to even think of the word. The only thing I could manage to say was, “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“Eh,” she shrugged. “It is what it is. I think he’s just jealous. I mean, who wouldn’t be of all this?” She struck a few poses like a runway model, and started laughing. I wasn’t in the mood for laughter, but her confidence was inspiring to me. I loved her for it. She got back to looking through the closet. “Besides, that’s why spaces and gatherings like the one tonight are so important. When it feels like everyone else is out to get you, there’s nothing like finding community with people who go through the same shit. I’m excited for you to see what that’s like.”

My heart was pounding. Though I was conflicted, I still yearned to feel the same warmth that Lav felt. Before I could think of how to respond, Lav said “You really don’t have a sense of fashion, do you? A wardrobe like this is dreadful. Like, actually beyond help. Like, seriously, gray and white shirts on gray and white fur? I mean, come on, give me something to work with! Well, I guess my clothes from the before-times weren’t much better. You sure you don’t wanna dress like a woman?” I threw my pillow at her. “Aagh! Ugh, fine. This shirt will do, I suppose.” She tossed me a generic button-up and left the room. From the hallway, she called out, “Now hurry up! We’re running late!! Come on come on come on!!!”

Although every part of me was terrified to go, of not being accepted by the world, or even by my own people… I just couldn’t say no to Lav. I just hoped that she was right, that it would be good for me. I found a pair of clean jeans to go with the shirt she chose, and I quickly got changed. And although I was trembling, I grabbed the last two bottles of beer from the fridge, grabbed my hoodie from the coat hanger, and followed her out the front door.

The walk to the meetup was short, so the brisk air of the autumn evening didn’t bother me too much with my hoodie on. I gave Lav one of the beers, and she thanked me for it before cracking it open and taking a few big swigs. I cracked open my own, and she noticed my scrunched up snout at the smell. “I mean, I’ll take that one too if you don’t want it,” she said. “Why do you even drink beer if you hate it so much?”

I thought of my father, and I…

I…

I was 16, and I just told my father that Belle had broken up with me. He assumed I was sad because I loved her. I didn't tell him that the real reason was that I never did, and I was too scared to face the reason why.

“Aw, c’m’ere. Your first breakup’s always the hardest, son. Now you're beginnin’ to see what it’s like to be a real man. Y’know what, go grab us some beers.”

“Really? But I’m not old enough yet.”

“Bullshit, if you’re old enough to get your heart broken, you’re old enough to share a drink with your old man.”

And I did as I was told, because I was desperate to prove myself, to be a real man, because real men could overcome whatever challenges they were faced with. 

I snapped back to the present, forced myself to take a sip, and shrugged. “It’s what men drink,” I said.

Lav rolled her eyes. “Oh. My. God. Shut up.”

“What?” I asked, feeling a bit defensive.

“Not drinking beer doesn’t make you any less of a man, just like drinking beer doesn’t make me any less of a woman. That rule is so stupid. Just drink the fruity drinks. No one will judge you for drinking the fruity drinks!” I glanced over at her, arching an eyebrow. “Well, no one who matters, anyhow.”

I took another swig from the bottle. I shuttered. “Tch. I guess you’re right,” I said.

“I am. Seriously though, I’ll take that one too if you don’t want it.”

“I think I need the social lubricant tonight,” I said.

“Y’know what, fair. I’ll drink to that,” she said, raising her bottle and then finishing the rest in a few big swigs. I just stared at her, wondering how she could do that without gagging.

My bottle was still almost full when we arrived at the building, just a simple community gathering space on campus. My heart was pounding, I was feeling more anxious than I had in a few years. I didn’t know how I’d act if I saw Matthew. I forced myself to take a few more swigs of beer, almost retching at the taste, but getting it down.

“Ready?” Lav asked.

“No,” I said.

“Let’s do this,” she said.

And she grabbed me by the paw and led me inside.

I didn’t know what I was expecting. Maybe a dance, like a rave, filled to the brim with people shoulder to shoulder, all dancing and grinding up against each other to loud music and flashing lights. Or maybe one of those performance things where men would dress up as women and start singing and dancing, or stripping for us or something. From what little I thought I knew about these people, it could have been anything. And I wasn’t ready for what my mind could come up with. 

The reality, though, was not like anything I imagined. It was so… chill. At the time we arrived, there were maybe 10 to 15 people, all sitting in their own little bubbles across the room with their own drinks they brought, chatting and laughing between sips. On the table at the front of the room, there was a big sheet of brown paper with a rainbow drawn on it in marker, with other markers strewn about for others to use and add their own drawings and sign their names. I couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to openly associate themselves with a place and a group like this. But everyone seemed so… at peace. Nothing like I had been feeling for the past few years. I still didn’t feel like I could ever belong, but I felt a twinge of warmth at what I saw.

I also didn’t know what to expect as far as the actual people attending, but everyone looked so… normal. But I challenged myself with that, and thought, what does being ‘normal’ even mean? Some of the women were dressed in more masculine outfits with shorter head fur styled like that of a man, but that was the only thing out of the ordinary. Although, something I noticed almost immediately was that, from what I could tell, I was the only man in the room. This took me by surprise, and I felt as though I stuck out like a sore thumb. Still, I breathed a sigh of relief when I noticed that Matthew was not among the women in the room.

Moments after Lav and I entered, a coyote with long, side swept bangs noticed us. “Lavender!!” she exclaimed. “Hey girl hey!!”

“Wazzaaaap!!!!!” Lav shouted, sticking her tongue out and raising her hooves. Oh my god, I thought, and I took another swig of beer. Lav went over to hug the coyote. “How’s it hangin’?” she asked.

“Not bad, not bad!” the coyote replied. Her voice was deep and strong. “The turnouts here get bigger and bigger every year, it just warms my heart to see.” I was still standing next to the entrance, and she turned toward me. “And who’s this you brought with you?”

My heart started racing as she stared at me. A few others across the room were looking at me, too, and though everyone seemed very inviting, I just wanted to disappear into the corner. I managed to say, “Uh… hi…” and raised my paw to make a little wave.

“That tall drink of water over there is my friend Jay,” Lav said in my place. Then, in a softer voice meant just for the coyote, but still loud enough for me to hear, “He’s a bit shy, he’s… new to all this.”

The coyote nodded to Lav, and smiled at me. “Well Jay, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Reese. I’m the one who organizes these meetups. Now get on over here! All are welcome, we’re not going to bite.”

I hesitated. All are welcome, she said. But did “all” include people like me, who have caused harm to this community in their past? But still, I swallowed it down and I made my way over to the table where Lav, Reese, and a few others were sitting. Those who were looking at me from across the room were getting back to their own conversations.

I took my seat next to Lav, who was catching up with everyone at the table. For the moment, I was too anxious to fully tune into what everyone was saying, just staying silent at my little corner of the table. I considered taking out my earbuds and my iDog to listen to music while everyone chatted around me, but I knew I’d get shit from Lav if I made any attempt to do that. This was a place to be social, after all, so I told myself I should at least try. Still though, I was too stuck in my thoughts to participate. I just sat there, looking at Lav, looking at who had become my best friend over the past year, and I…

I…

I was 23, in the depths of rock bottom, and I was assigned to do a semester-long group project with a few people I vaguely knew, and a deer I’d never met. I wondered why he didn’t have antlers, since I’d never met a male deer who shed them before the end of winter. I didn’t have the energy to ask him, though. I went through the motions, and we worked together on the project for a few weeks. One night, he wore a skirt to the group session, and the other group members loved it and complimented him on it. But I couldn’t stop staring at him.

After we all said goodbye, the deer came up to me alone and confronted me, asking what my problem was. And I… I was just tired. I apologized, said that I didn’t have a problem with it, at least not anymore, and I was new to all of it and I just wanted to learn more. He was a little embarrassed after misreading my expressions, and he invited me out for drinks to talk about it.

After a few shots of Furball Whiskey, he told me how he got his pedicles removed so that his antlers would never grow back, because he only liked how he looked when they were shed. After a few more shots, he told me that he was actually a she, and that her name was Lavender, Lav for short. “But that’s so different from…” I started.

“That’s the point,” Lav said, cutting me off. “I hate that name, and I hated who I was. Lav is the new me, and I’ve never been happier.” She went on to tell me that she’d soon start living her life fully as a woman.

And after probably way too many shots of whiskey, I spilled out my entire life story to her, barely holding back my tears. How she met me just months after the worst moment of my life, after I failed and walked back down the old dirt road, and why I had walked up there in the first place. And she put her hoof on my shoulder from across the table, and asked, “Do you want to be friends?”

Lav and I seemed like total opposites, and I normally wouldn’t seek out people like her to hang out with. And yet, because of our shared experiences and how much we could relate to each other, she quickly became a very close friend. She was the reason I was able to be at the meet. I didn’t know where I’d be without her helping me through, and I was so grateful for it. And as I sat there staring at her catching up with the rest of the people at the table, I wished I knew how to tell her that.

“Jay, Reese asked you a question,” Lav said.

I snapped back to the present. “What?” I asked, not having paid attention to any of the conversation.

Reese let out a small chuckle. “I asked what brought you here tonight,” she said. Her tone was warm and rich.

I hesitated. “Uh.. well, it was Lav who brought me.”

Lav playfully hit my shoulder. “They all know that, you doofus,” she said.

And I knew they knew that, but I was still testing the waters here. “Uh…” I said. “I just… I felt like I needed to meet others who were… I don’t know.” I looked at Lav, pleading with my eyes for her to save me. She picked up what I was leaving unsaid.

“Jay’s been my friend for a while,” Lav said, “and he’s been feeling isolated. He never really got the chance to meet other people like him in this community. Well, other than meeeee!” Her voice raised in pitch for that last bit, and she put her hoof on her chest, smiling. She looked back at me. I tried to tell her “thank you” with my eyes.

“Yeah…” I said, “growing up, this sort of thing was never accepted, so, y’know…”

“Ohh, yeah. Believe me, do I know,” said a sheep sitting next to Reese who I hadn’t heard from before now. Her wool was fluffy and all black, and she wore her head wool in an afro. “I’m Simone, by the way, I’m Reese’s girlfriend.”

I looked back and forth between the coyote and the sheep, while trying to hold back any look of shock on my face. I was prepared to meet same-sex couples if I came here, and though how open she was about it was jarring to me, what I wasn’t expecting was such contrasting species to be together. I was working on keeping an open mind, though. All I could think to say was, “...Oh!!”

And, bless them, Reese and Simone just laughed. “Yeah, I know what you’re thinking,” Simone said. “Don’t worry, we’ve heard it all before. You should have heard what my parents said to me when I brought a coyote into my home of only sheep. And when I got to the ‘Also, by the way, she’s my girlfriend!’ part, they kicked us both out right then and there.”

“Yeah, it was a very modest introduction, if I may say,” Reese said, “felt very welcomed.”

“Jeez,” I said. “I’m so sorry.”

“Eh,” Simone said, “par for the course with people like us, who have the audacity to try and be happy with what they were given in this world. Like, I didn’t choose who I fell in love with. I just fell in love! And, wonder of all wonders, she fell in love with me, too. Isn’t that a beautiful thing? Two people found each other and came together, despite all odds. Shouldn’t that be celebrated? That’s why we all meet up like this. Who am I to deny that for myself, and who are they to deny that for us, right?” Reese was staring fiercely and proudly at her partner as she said all of this.

I felt tears starting to well up, but I didn't let myself cry. I thought of my father, and I thought of Matthew. I felt my shame crawl down my spine from my neck to my tail. But more than ashamed, I felt… seen. I felt understood. I managed to say, “...R-right,” though it came out a bit choked up. Lav grabbed my paw and looked at me with pride in her eyes.

Some time went by, and the table continued chatting, catching up and sharing experiences. I found myself able to participate more than before, though I was still reserved. Eventually, I found the courage to ask, “So, why is it only women here?”

Lav laughed. “Well, you know how hard it was to get you here, I imagine it’s a similar story for many other men, too.”

“Yeah,” Simone said. “I feel like men, on average, aren’t as in touch with their emotions. It’s harder for them to be vulnerable and come to a stigmatized place like this, when they can keep everything a secret to keep the privilege they were born with. But women are stigmatized just for being women, so we have less to lose by coming here.”

I couldn’t help but feel a bit defensive at that, but at least for me, there was no lie. I tried to swallow down some of that frustration and I just said, “Mm, yeah, guess you’re right.” I played with the drawstrings on my hoodie.

“Men aren’t unheard of here, though, in case you came here to meet one,” Reese said, winking at me. I cringed internally. “In fact, we have one regular man who comes to pretty much all of our meets. Not sure where he is tonight, though.”

At that moment, the door swung open. “Hey hey hey! Sorry I’m late, everyone!” a man’s voice rang. I recognized that rich baritone ring instantly.

“Ah! Speak of the devil!” Reese said. “Welcome back!”

I didn’t have to turn to see the bear that just entered to know who it was.

“It’s good to see you again, man!” Simone said.

My heart sank down into my belly, and I…

I…

I was 8, and my father took me to the cliff near our house at the end of the old dirt road. We walked up every now and again to appreciate the nature in the surrounding forest. We sat on the ledge, staring into the water far, far below, and he said, “Ya know, when me ‘n your mother started datin’, this is where I took her out the first time. And no matter where else I took her, she always wanted to spend the next date here. Made it the perfect place to propose to her, too.” I just listened, in awe. I loved hearing his stories. He continued. “Son, you’re gonna make a woman real happy one day.”

“I am?” I asked him, happy that he could see himself in me.

“You are, and I can’t wait to meet her.”

And because I didn’t know any better yet, I asked, “Does it have to be a woman?”

He turned to face me with a look of genuine disgust in his eyes. “...The fuck you mean, ‘does it have to be a woman’? I ain’t raisin’ no goddamn faggot. You understand me, boy?”

I didn’t understand. Not his anger, not that word he always spat out, and not why he wouldn’t answer my question, not really. But still, I said, “Yes…”

He didn’t speak again, us just sitting in tense silence before walking back down the old dirt road. The sense of wonder I had felt before was gone.

Back in the present, I turned, and I saw him, staring back at me from the doorframe, a look of hurt confusion in his eyes.

Matthew.

Oh god, I thought, as the sight of him made my heart start pumping faster and faster. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t look away from him. We just stared at each other for a long moment.

“Hey, Matty, you alright?” said a voice on the opposite side of the room from me.

“Huh? Oh, uh, yeah.. yeah, I’m alright,” Matthew said. He took his eyes off me for the first time in what felt like forever, as he dropped off a plastic bag next to the brown paper. He went to join the table with his friend who called out to him.

Of course, the others at my table took notice. “Hey, uh, everything okay, Jay?” Simone asked me. “You two know each other?”

I stayed quiet, so Lav was the one who spoke first. “It’s a long story.”

“Yeah,” I said, “I’d uh, rather not talk about it just yet.”

Reese put her paws up as if she was surrendering for both herself and her partner. “Got it. That’s all we need to know. Right?” She turned to the rest of the table.

“Right,” Simone and the others said in response.

“But Jay, just know that this is a safe space, and we’re here for you, okay?” Reese said.

“Yeah, yeah, thank you. Hey, where’s the nearest bathroom?” I asked, just needing an excuse to leave.

“Through that door, down the hall, second door on your right,” she said.

“Thanks,” I said, and I got up from my seat and went without another word, taking my beer bottle with me.

The door closed behind me into a hallway lined with harsh fluorescent lights that gave me a headache, but at least it was away from the meet. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I thought, I’m not ready for this, I can’t fucking do this. I looked at the bottle in my paw, still over halfway full. My nose kept scrunching up at the smell of it, but I forced myself to chug the rest, convinced I couldn’t handle this situation unless I was at least a little buzzed.

The regret was instant. I almost gagged with every swallow, and from some combination of the horrible taste, the sudden rush of alcohol in my stomach, the blinding lights, and the stress and anxiety of seeing Matthew again… I immediately felt it all come back up. Oh, goddamnit, I thought, as I hastily made my way to the bathroom. I was grateful it was a small private room as I got on my knees and vomited into the toilet. I moaned as quietly as I could at the horrid sensation. Well, there goes the alcohol, I thought. I can’t fucking deal with this sober…

I got up off my knees and rinsed the bile out of my mouth in the sink, taking a few gulps of water while I was there to wash down the sick in my throat. I couldn’t bear to look at my tired face in the mirror. I felt disgusting, wondering how I ended up here, and I…

I…

I was 21 and I had just met Matthew at orientation in my first week of community college. I was intimidated by his size and species, but I quickly learned the massive grizzly bear was a gentle giant who spoke sweetly and softly. We became close, meeting up for lunch, to study, to drink, to play video games, and just to talk, sometimes for hours on end. He quickly became the closest friend I had ever had. It was only when being around Matthew started to feel like the sunshine penetrating my fur that I became too terrified to go on.

I tapped myself on my cheek a few times to snap me back. When I realized where I was again, I wanted to cry. I didn’t let myself, though.

I didn’t know how much time had passed before I opened the door again, and when I did, I found Lav waiting outside, a gentle look on her face. “You doin’ alright, bud?” she asked.

“Uuuuggghhh,” I groaned in response.

“Sounds about right,” she said with a little chuckle. 

“Reese said he was a regular. You knew he’d be here, didn’t you?” I asked, trying not to make it sound like the accusation that it was.

“Of course I knew, Jay,” she said. “I’m friends with him too, and he comes to every one of these.”

“And you kept that from me?” I would have felt more angry at her if I wasn’t so anxious.

“You never would have come if I told you he’d for sure be here.” 

“Yeah, but this is way too much for me. I’m not ready to see him again, I don’t think I’ll ever be.”

“Jay,” she said, grabbing me by the shoulders and staring at me dead in the eyes, “you need to get the fuck over yourself. It’s time. You’ve grown so much since I met you. You are ready for this, I know you are.” Lav just had a determined look in her eyes.

“But-” She slapped me in the face. “Ow! Jesus!”

“No buts! We are going to go back into that room, and you are going to talk with Matthew. We can’t know how he’ll react, and I know it’s scary, but you cannot just ignore this anymore. But whatever happens, I’ll be there for you. Okay?”

My head drooped down, and I sighed. She was right, like always. And even if she wasn’t, I knew she would never take no for an answer with something like this. So I looked back up, and said, “Okay.”

“Yes! That’s a good boy!” she said, patting my head. Now it was my turn to slap her. “Aagh!!! Okay. Yeah. Deserved.”

We made our way back to the room of the meet, and when we opened the door, Matthew was deep in conversation with the women at his table, everyone laughing and smiling, and god, I did not want to take that away from him. Still, Lav led me over to their table.

She tapped on Matthew’s shoulder. “Matty! It’s good to see ya!” she said, and he turned around to look at us. The others at his table kept talking amongst themselves. Matthew instantly recoiled a bit when he saw me so close by, and that just gutted me to see. He quickly focused all his attention toward Lav.

“Oh my god!” he said. His baritone voice could have the power to shake the room if he tried, but he always spoke so gently. “Is that Lavender? You’ve gotten so much better at doing your makeup, I didn’t even recognize you when I came in!”

Lav gasped in excitement. “Oh, thank you!!” she exclaimed. “I’ve been practicing!”

“Well it’s paying off, girl!” Matthew said. “Hey, why’d you make me go out of my way to get markers if they already had some here?”

“Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about that, I’ll tell you later,” she said.

Of course, I thought. Of course she planned this all from the start. Goddamn conniving bastard.

Lav continued. “Hey, my friend here wants to talk with you for a bit, okay?” Apprehensively, I lifted my paw to wave at him, forcing myself to put on a little smile.

Matthew took a long moment to himself, before saying, “Uh.. yeah. Sure.”

“Great!” Lav said, and she pointed to the corner of the room, where two sofa chairs were hiding. “There’s a good place to chat where no one will bother you. Have so much fun, you guys!!!” And she literally ran away.

Oh my god, what an asshole! I thought, as I forced myself to walk to the sofa chairs with Matthew. We sat across from each other, but I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes just yet. And as I sat there with him, I realized that I had no fucking clue what I was going to say to him. I was just speechless.

Matthew was the one who eventually broke the long moment of silence. “Well? I don’t know what Lav is doing hanging out with you, of all people, but you got me here. So, what is it.” That last bit was spoken more declaratively than as a question. I winced hearing the frustration in his voice. 

“Well, uh..” I started, but then I froze again.

“Look, Jay,” he said, “I have absolutely nothing to say to you. So whatever you wanna say, just spit it out, or I’m going back to my table.”

I was still frozen, still searching for words that simply weren’t coming to me.

“Alright man, whatever,” Matthew said, and he got up from his chair.

As I saw what he was doing, I just blurted out, “I’m sorry.”

He sat back down. “What’s that?” he asked.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry,” I said.

“Tch,” he laughed bitterly, then shook his head. “Sure you are. Only took you, what, two years? Three? Before you come into what’s supposed to be a safe space for people like me?”

My heart was thumping hard as it was breaking. “I know, I know,” I said. “I didn’t mean to-”

“You didn’t mean to?” he said, cutting me off. “I don’t know, what you did seemed pretty damn deliberate.”

“That’s not what I meant-”

“Then what DID you mean? I was so vulnerable, dude. I needed a friend. And you cut me out of your life. And I…” Tears started to well up in his eyes. “I… Fuck, man, I thought I could trust you, I thought I could be safe with you, I really did, but that was so bullshit. And then I found this place, and I thought I could be safe here, too, but here you are again! I don’t even know what a straight guy like you wants to do in this space. I know they say ‘all are welcome’, but they don’t mean anyone dangerous to us, anyone like you.”

Every word he said was like a dagger ripping through my pelt, and the worst part was that I believed him. He was confirming my biggest fears. Every part of me was screaming at me to just let him be, just say that I was sorry and I never should have come here and say I should just leave. But I saw the broken look in his eyes, and I heard his voice shuttering as he said all this, and I just couldn’t leave him like this. I needed him to know, whether he’d accept me back or not, that I had changed. So I said, “I really do want you to feel safe here. I wish I could take it all back.”

He laughed again, looked to the side and shook his head. “Just… Why did you do it, man?” he asked.

Even though it terrified me, I couldn’t be anything other than honest with him. “Because I was jealous.”

He was taken aback by that. “Wait, wha-”

And the front door slammed open. My head snapped over at the sudden noise to see two boys, a boar and an otter, waltzing into the room. “Oh, yeah dude, I think this is the place,” the boar said with a wicked grin. His voice was weak, but he was projecting it for the whole room to hear, like he wanted to be noticed.

Reese stood up from her chair to greet the two. “Hey there! I’m Reese. You’re looking for the Rainbow Social?” she asked. “It’s always great to see new faces around here.”

“Yeah man, this is it,” the otter said to the boar, ignoring Reese. He seemed more reserved than his friend.

“Perfect,” the boar said, joining his hooves together. “Never thought I’d see so many fruitcakes in one place in person.”

I heard a few gasps around the room, and I cringed at the use of that word.

“Oh my god,” Matthew said under his breath, still sitting down across from me. “What the hell is going on today?”

Reese’s expression never faltered as she said, “Well, we don’t like using terms of that nature here, but yes, this is a safe space for the queer community on campus.”

“Oh, well that’s great,” the boar said with a devious grin. The otter just nodded alongside him.

Reese smiled cautiously in response. “Well, the space is ours for the night, so make yourselves at h-”

“Yeah, we just wanted to see what this whole thing was like,” the boar said, interrupting Reese. His voice was still commanding the attention of everyone in the room.

“Oh?” Reese said. “Well, this is a safe space for the curious among us as well. Is that all that brought you here tonight?”

“Well, that,” the boar said, “and we just wanted to have an… open dialogue, if you will, since you people seem to be so adamant about respect, and that sort of thing.”

Other than the boar and Reese, the whole room was silent. Matthew was still sitting across from me, though he seemed to be in his own little world, processing whatever the hell was going on. I looked over to Lav from across the room, to see her looking back at me too, arching an eyebrow.

Reese took a brief moment before she responded. “Well… to be frank, this is more of a social gathering, not a space for debate, so-”

“The poster said ‘all are welcome’, does that not include us?” the boar asked.

“That depends,” Reese said. “Are you here in good faith? Or are you here to stir up some conflict?”

“Woah, woah, woah!” the boar said, lifting up his hooves into the air. “Already spitting out accusations! And here I thought you guys were supposed to be tolerant.” His smug look was back, and oh, how it reminded me of my own past. I thought I’d be more scared when I’d be on the receiving end of this sort of thing for the first time, but seeing it from the other side, I mostly just felt ashamed being able to see myself in those boys’ shoes, and seeing the boar’s unsolicited confidence made me cringe inwardly.

I saw Reese clench her jaw for just a moment. “Okay,” she said, “what is it you wanted to discuss?”

“Well, I’m glad that you asked!” the boar said. “I follow in God’s word that marriage is meant to be between a man and a woman. Frankly, I find the very existence of this whole thing you got goin’ on here to be an abomination.” His disgustingly smug grin was on full display as the whole room looked slack jawed at the two. The otter looked to the side, and I felt he looked uncomfortable standing next to the boar as he said that.

“Oh my god,” Matthew said once again, too low for anyone but me to hear. He was beginning to rock back and forth a bit in his chair.

I saw Reese close her eyes for a good moment, before saying, “Well, everyone is certainly entitled to their own opinions, but like I said a few times already, this is meant to be a safe space for us, so that kind of talk is not welcomed. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Oh, you’re really gonna kick us out?” the boar said. “We’re gonna be kicked out for using our first amendment right to free speech? Wow!” He was laughing and elbowing his friend, but the otter was starting to look embarrassed. But neither of them were leaving.

Reese and the boar continued going back and forth like this. She seemed to be getting flustered, like she needed help. The room stayed dead silent. I looked over to Lav, thinking she could speak up. She certainly never had any trouble telling me exactly how she felt, after all. But she was just sitting with her head in her hooves. Simone, sitting near her, just had a worried look on her face. I turned back to Matthew, thinking he could scare them off. The bear was probably heavier than those two combined, and he could really boom out his voice if he wanted to. But he was just sitting tightly in his chair, looking like he was going to cry. It broke my heart. I wanted this to be a safe space for him. I looked all around the room at all the silent bystanders, thinking someone would help Reese out, surely someone will, but I heard the boar keep spouting out his unfiltered hate, and I…

I…

I was 18, and after a short search, my father’s body was found in the waters far below the cliff at the end of the old dirt road. I knew most of the people who came to the funeral, all but the tall and slender red fox who seemed to take my father’s death harder than those I actually knew. I only realised while going through his affairs who this man was to my father, who they were to each other.

And I knew that someone had to be me.

Even though my heart was pounding, I ignored the nausea, and I stood up, walked forward from the corner of the room, and said, “You know…”

The boar, for the first time, turned his gaze toward me. I didn’t know if he was intimidated by my size, or my species, or whatever, but he seemed to falter back just a bit when I approached him.

I went on. “I spent most of my life doing this same kind of thing, trying to make others feel sorry for themselves, just because they let themselves be happy, when I didn’t allow myself the same. And let me tell you, it is no way to live.”

The boar rolled his eyes. “Oh, is that so, queer?” He laughed.

The otter just… stared at me.

I nodded, not taking the bait of that word. “It is,” I said honestly. “And you know what? I feel sorry for you.”

The boar started laughing again. The otter stayed staring.

“No, really,” I continued, “I really do. I hope you’re able to work through… whatever it is you’re going through right now, that makes you feel the need to take it out on others who are happier than you probably ever have been.” That wiped the smile off the boar’s face. I went on. “I’ve been there. Believe me, I have. I’m telling you right now, it’s not too late. It gets better. If it got better for me, then it can for you, too. But only if you have the courage to let it.”

The boar stayed silently staring at me for a good moment. I couldn’t tell if he looked annoyed, or frustrated, or was just getting tired of what he was doing. “Tch. Whatever man,” he finally said. “This place fuckin’ blows anyway. Let’s go, dude.” And the boar turned and walked toward the door.

But the otter did not turn to leave. He was still staring at me. The look on his face took a little longer for me to discern, but after a few moments, I recognized it. It was the face I was giving Lav the first time she wore a skirt in front of me. I didn’t have anything else to say with the boar still in earshot, but I tried to give the otter a look with my eyes that said, “I see you.” He took notice, and looked down and to the side.

“Dude. You comin’?” the boar called after him.

And after a brief moment, he said, “Yeah… Yeah, I’m comin’.” And he, too, turned and left, closing the door behind him.

The room felt a collective sigh of relief as the two left. A few started laughing it off. “What the hell was that?” I heard one woman say. Everyone went back to their own conversations, a low rumble of voices filling the room. As I turned back around to face the rest of them for the first time since I started talking, I noticed how much I was shaking.

Reese walked up to me. “Jay,” she said, grabbing my paw, “thank you. I was getting overwhelmed. I’ve dealt with people like that before, but those two just wouldn’t leave. But you knew just what to say. I think you might have really gotten through to that otter.”

I laughed a bit. “Ah, well, I don’t know, I just… I have experience with those kinds of guys. They’re usually just all bark, no bite. And I know that it would have been good for me if I heard something like that a few years ago.”

Reese smiled. “I suppose some people just need a gentle nudge in the right direction,” she said, winking at me.

“Yeah…” I agreed.

Before I could say anything else, Lav ran up to me. “I’ll be going back to the table,” Reese said, putting a paw on my shoulder. “Thank you again.”

 “OMG!” Lav shouted. She actually said the letters. I fought back an eye roll. “Jay, that was awesome! You’re normally so quiet! Where did all that come from?”

“I dunno,” I said honestly. “Things, uh, weren’t really going well with Matthew before they came in, and I just wanted to keep this the safe space that it should be.” I took a breath. “And I saw myself in them. Felt it was my place to step up.”

“Well in any case, I am so damn proud of you,” she said, putting a hoof on my shoulder. “But it’s not over yet. Now that you’ve shown that to the entire room, I think it’s time to sell it home to the one who matters.” She pointed past me and winked. I turned around to see Matthew, standing in the same corner, staring intently at me. Lav was already heading back to her table when I turned back.

I took a deep breath and made my way back across the room, back to Matthew. I still didn’t know what to say, but I hadn’t known what to say to the two boys before either, so I felt just a bit more confident now. When I got there, Matthew said, “Hey.”

“Hey,” I said back. I left a considerable amount of distance between us, just in case he needed space from me.

“It, uh, was pretty cool how you stepped up back there. Thank you,” he said, his voice shaking.

I shrugged. “I really meant every word. I wanted to mend some of the damage I’ve caused to the community, y’know?”

He nodded. “I see that now. I’m sorry I was so quick to jump to conclusions before.”

“Hey,” I said, “I don’t blame you. I mean, I’d be apprehensive too if it was the other way around.”

“Heh, yeah…” he said. “Still though, I’m sorry.”

I smiled a bit. “Me too.”

He let out a small, sad laugh. “Uh, so… what did you mean before?”

“When I said what?” I asked.

“When you said you were… jealous.”

My face felt hot and my heart started pumping even faster than it already was. “Well, uh, when you came out to me, I was jealous of how easy it was for you to say it.” My voice was shaky, but I still kept on speaking. “Because, well. I am too.” Matthew’s expression softened, and he exhaled. I went on. “I didn’t have the best childhood. Having a parent who only loves you under certain conditions can really fuck you up if you don’t meet the criteria, y’know? Anyway, I grew up hating myself for it, and the only way I was ever taught to deal with those kinds of emotions was to take it out on others, just like my father did. Was all I’ve ever known.” Tears were starting to well up again. I took a deep breath. “Matthew, it was never you. When I did what I did, it was never about you. It was me being jealous of how happy you were to live your life, when I hated myself for the same reasons you loved yourself. I can explain it as much as I want, but I don’t expect you to forgive me. There’s no excuse for what I di-”

And the next thing I knew, I was knocked back a little bit. It took me a moment to realize that Matthew had me wrapped in his massive arms in a big, powerful bear hug. My chin barely reached over his shoulder, and I could only see past him. My arms stayed at my side.

“Wh-” I stuttered.

And god, he was so warm. Not just physically, but I felt his warmth pierce through my soul. I had never felt anything like this from anyone else, and I…

I…

I was 16, with Belle, and we kissed for the first time. It really felt no different from kissing a wall. But she wanted more. She wanted to take things to the next level for the first time. I had to know that I was able to, and I wanted so badly to want it too, but I felt nothing for her. Still, I agreed, and I got in bed with her. I only lasted a few minutes before I vomited off the side of the bed onto her carpet. She ended things soon after.

Matthew’s arms tightened around me, and something within me pulsed. Nothing, not even the only time I was physically intimate with another person, felt anything like Matthew made me feel in this moment, and I…

I…

I was 14, and I had been dating Belle for a few painfully long months. I stayed because I desperately wanted to convince myself that I knew what love was.

And I…

I was 15, cutting my friend Andy out of my life, because I desperately wanted to convince myself that I had no fucking clue what love was.

“Wh-what are you doing, Matthew?” I asked. I wasn’t able to fully process what was happening yet. I’d been hugged a few times in my life, but never, never from another man. I’d never let myself before. I’d shaken paws with other men, some fist bumps and high fives here and there, but that was the extent of touch I felt from men. Not even from my father. And I…

I…

I was 5, at home, and my father was watching the news on the TV, laughing at something I didn’t understand. He’d talk with a smile about that “disease that was spreadin’ around, wipin’ out all the fags.” I didn’t know what that meant, but I laughed along with him. He was my father, and seeing him happy made me happy.

And I…

I was 10, and I now knew what a faggot was. I wondered why they were so bad. I asked my father about it. “‘Cause God hates fags,” he said simply, genuine hatred in his voice. I believed him, but at the same time, I wondered since when we were religious.

Matthew squeezed me even tighter. “Jay,” he said over my shoulder, “you hurt me. You hurt me more than anyone ever had before. And I can’t say that I forgive you for that. Not yet, at least. But I see now that you were hurting more than I ever was, for far longer. And Jay, I want to. I don’t yet, but I want to forgive you. I want to try. I miss you so much, man.”

I felt tears welling up, and I…

I…

I was 17, and every night, I’d stay up praying, and pleading, and begging to whoever or whatever made me this way to change me back to how my father wanted me to be. I was convinced that this was a challenge that I could overcome. Every time I’d thought I’d succeeded, the very next day, my eyes were caught by the men on the streets instead of the women, and I’d get back to praying even more desperately than before.

My arms were still at my side. Despite everything, despite my whole life leading up to this moment, I wanted to lean into this warmth that I had denied myself for so long. And wonder of wonders, I raised my arms and I hugged him back.

And it felt like lightning.

He squeezed me even tighter, and I brushed my paws down his back while our bodies were pressed up against each other. I hadn’t realized how dreadfully starved I was for this kind of touch from another man until I let myself experience it for myself. My eyes were welling up with more tears. I felt like a fool for denying this for myself for so, so, so long. I didn’t know how long we already had been standing in this embrace, but I wanted it to last forever. I didn't care about everyone else in the room, I didn't care if anyone could see. All I knew in that moment was Matthew, Matthew, Matthew, and I just wanted to breathe him in, and I…

I…

I was 21 and I made the worst mistake of my life. I shut Matthew out. I kept him away. I ignored his calls. I stopped looking at him in the hallways. I ceased all contact with him, and…

No.

I squeezed Matthew tighter in my arms.

And…

No, I don’t want to remember this part…

And…

Matthew showed up at my door in the middle of the night, tears in his eyes. The sight was too painful for me to bear.

He said, “Jay. Please. I don’t expect you to love me like I love you. I don’t need you to. But you’re the closest friend I ever had. What I told you, it doesn’t have to change anything between us! I don’t want it to! Please, listen to me. I don’t want to lose you. Not like this. Please, please don’t leave me like this.”

And I said…

Fuck, I said…

“Just get the fuck out of my life, you faggot.”

I saw the anguish in his eyes.

And deep down, though I didn’t realize it at the time, I hoped that he was able to see the regret in my eyes before I slammed the door in his face.

In an instant, life lost all meaning.

I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. I leaned into Matthew's shoulder, my gentle sobs hitching in my breath and my tears wetting his shirt.

“Shhhh, it’s okay,” he whispered, rubbing my back. “Let it out. It’s all in the past, we can try to look forward now. It’s okay.” I felt his voice get shaky as he spoke. I sobbed a little harder, and I…

I…

I was 22 and I made my last trip up the old dirt road to follow in my father’s footsteps. I stared into the water, at the last view my father ever saw, and I was sure it’d be my last view as well. But I saw past the water, at the trees on the opposing shore. And I… couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t see any reason to live anymore, but I could still see the trees beyond my father’s final view, and for whatever reason, it made me think of Matthew.

I couldn’t place a paw on why, but I turned around and headed back down the old dirt road, still hitting rock bottom on my way down.

And as I cried into Matthew’s shoulder, I couldn’t stop thinking, Why, why, why is this happening now? Why so many flashbacks right now, and throughout the night? Isn’t this supposed to happen before you die? I feel so safe in Matthew's arms, this can’t be the end, is it?

And still, I was 17, and I was 5, and I was 12, and I was 21, and every age in between, all at once, and as I was looking back on a life so full, yet so empty, I realized that, yes, I did die, in a way. At least, a part of me did, because I finally saw, deeply internalized that I had never truly lived before this moment I shared with Matthew. This was an end, yes, an end to who I had been. An end to denying who I was. But it was also a beginning to who I could become. And at the same time, another part of me died, because I knew that this life would be much harder than the life I was leading before. But I was finally able to see that this was a life worth living.

When I backed away from the cliff at the end of the old dirt road, I thought it was an act of cowardice. But at the time, I couldn’t see it for what it was. I could now. It was an act of courage. Courage to break the cycle of hatred instilled in me by my father, courage to continue living to see a day where I could experience this profound warmth for the first time.

As I stood there, wrapped in my embrace with Matthew, I made the decision right then and there to embrace this new life as well, this beautiful gift I had been given. Once I stopped sobbing a bit and gained more control of my voice again, I said, “Matthew, I’m… gay.”

A wave of relief washed over me as tension all over my body that I had never noticed before was all released at once. These simple words felt foreign on my tongue, but they were so right.

Matthew chuckled a bit. “I know!” he said. “You just said so before.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “but I’ve never said it before. I’ve never said the words ‘I’m gay’ before. I wasn’t able to, even if I knew I was. I can say it now, though. I’m gay! I feel… proud of it. I never, ever thought I’d feel that way.” The tears were flowing freely, but I held back more sobs.

Matthew broke away from the embrace, but his warmth never left me. My head left his shoulder, and on one paw, I wanted to stay wrapped in his arms, but on the other paw, I was more than happy to see his smile for the first time in a very long time. God, it made me ache to see.

“I’m proud of you too,” he said, and that word, proud, hit me hard again. Everyone in this room felt pride in who they were, and I could finally appreciate the beauty in that. I smiled with Matthew, big and bright.

My embrace with Matthew was my entire world for those fleeting moments, and though I didn’t think it truly ended when we broke apart, I was coming back down to Earth, and I remembered where I was again. I remembered who I came with, who brought me here. “Matthew,” I said, “There’s something I gotta do.”

He said, “Oh? What’s that?”

But I had already turned and was making my way over to Lav’s table. I heard Matthew laugh a bit as he followed behind me.

“Lav!” I said, interrupting the conversation she was having with her table.

“There they are!” she said. Then, looking at me, “Oh, woah, you look like you’ve been crying. Are you okay?”

But I couldn’t stop smiling. “Yes!” I said. “And no! I don’t know! Isn’t it wonderful?”

“That makes no sense,” Lav said. “But somehow, I know exactly what you mean. I think everyone here can relate.”

Matthew laughed behind me. “Ooooh yeah. A hundred percent.”

I couldn't hide my glee. I had to share the news with her. “Lav… I’m gay.”

She put her hoof on her chest. “Oh, Jay…” she said, “you did get the fuck over yourself!” And I laughed harder than I thought I could. She continued. “In all seriousness, you can say it now. That’s a huge step for you. I’m so proud of you, dude. Jay’s gay!”

“Gay Jay! Gay Jay!” I chanted, laughing again.

“This Jay be gay!” Matthew said, laughing along with me.

“Lav,” I said, grabbing her hoof, “It’s because of you that I was able to come here, and talk to Matthew, and just… still be here. At all. And I don’t know how to thank you for that, for everything.”

“Oh Jay, there’s no need,” she said, a twinkle in her eyes. “You’re my friend. The pleasure is mine. But I mean, if you insist, you could buy me a beer some time.”

“I will literally never understand you. But I don’t have to understand you to support you, my friend.” I saluted to her, and she laughed with me.

The rest of the night, Matthew never left my side. We sat together at the table with Lav, Reese, Simone, and a few others I was getting to know. I wasn’t nearly as hesitant to participate as I was when I first arrived. The sense of community with these people was unlike anything I had felt before with others. I was just in awe of what I was experiencing.

The night was starting to wind down, and as people started to say goodnight and leave, I realized that I didn’t want to go. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged somewhere, and I wanted to stay there forever with my new friends. But these meetups were a regular thing, and I knew I could keep coming back.

As the time to leave grew nearer, Lav turned to us. “Jay,” she said, “before we leave, there’s one more thing I want us to do.” She grabbed my paw and led us to the brown paper at the front of the room. “Think you’re ready for this?”

I was almost surprised at how sure I felt. “I am,” I said.

Matthew opened the new package of markers in the bag he brought. “Might as well use them even if no one else needed them!” he said. I grabbed a marker from the package, and felt a spark of warmth bringing my paw so close to Matthew’s again.

He and Lav signed their names near each other, right in the middle. I chose to sign right beside the two. I took my paw away, and I gazed at the paper, seeing “Lav, Matty, Jay” written under the rainbow. And oh, how proud I felt to be a part of this.

It was time to say good night and head back home. I hugged Lav, and she looked surprised to feel this kind of touch from me, but it was welcomed as she hugged me back. It lasted a long moment, and then she said goodnight and left. I lingered along with Matthew. I said to him, “Man, we have so much lost time to catch up on.”

“We do,” he said. “Hey, do you have a cell phone yet? Can I ever text you?”

And without hesitation, I said “Yes! Lav made me get one last year. Yes, you can text me.” I told myself that I could figure out how to text with my fat thumbs on my little keypad later. I just wanted to catch up with my old friend. I shared my new number with him, and we hugged once again. That spark of lightning I had felt before didn’t dampen, didn’t falter. It was as bright as ever. We let go, and we saw each others’ great smiles.

For a moment, I hesitated on my way out of the building. Matthew said he hadn’t forgiven me, not yet, and I still wasn’t sure if I could be forgiven for all I had done throughout my life. But I was done being stuck in my own past. For the first time in my life, I was able to look forward. With my new and my old friends, I was excited to build a life that I could be proud of. That excitement triumphed over any hesitation. I had time now, time to work with Matthew to move past our shared history. And so I followed my old friend out the door, finally able to look forward to what may lay beyond the old dirt road.