CHAPTER 1 - Central Bureau of dissatisfactory Death Complaints
He remembered that there was a bright light, noise and then there was a sharp pain. Short but lifealtering pain. And then, then there was silence… no, silence was not the right term for it, tranquility, tranquility was much better suited for the feeling that now persisted.
He felt completely at peace with himself and the world. No pain, no urgency, no hunger, no heartbeat…
No heartbeat?
Wait, that was not right! He should have a heartbeat, shouldn’t he?
The tranquility was replaced with a feeling of unease. Why didn’t he feel his heart beating, and for that reason, why did he not breathe?
Panic welled up in him. His surroundings were shrouded in darkness and there was no sound, none at all. Only then he realized that his eyes were closed.
He opened them and was greeted by the sight of a lush, green meadow. He was laying in the grass, and he only saw more grass, as far as he could see.
He still did not breathe, and he did not feel any need to do so either. Strange… very strange indeed.
He wanted to breathe, but doing so on his own volition was surprisingly laborious. He had to manually move his muscles and suck in the pleasantly fresh air.
It smelled of flowers, clean and fresh, no pollution, no exhaust fumes.
“Where… where am I?”
He asked more to himself, as to anyone else.
“This is heaven.”
He winced, startled as the answer came from somewhere behind him. It was a beautiful voice, soft as velvet and with no aggression whatsoever, but he had not expected someone to hear him, let alone answer him. Carefully he turned his head and looked behind him.
There she sat, a female cat with a pristine white coat, piercing blue eyes and the most perfect pink nose he had ever seen. Angelic would be the most fitting description he could come up with, as he rolled over to his right side, so he was facing her directly.
“I beg your pardon, but did you say…?”
She did not wait for him to finish his question, but quietly completed it for him.
“Heaven? Indeed, this is heaven, Thomas.”
She repeated in her most delicate voice, which made his whiskers tremble and his skin tickle. It was a nice, pleasant feeling, and under different circumstances he would have happily indulged in it, hell he would have demanded her to repeat that sentence indefinitely, but right now, the panic in him rose rapidly.
“Heaven? Does that mean…?”
Again she did not let him finish, but did it for him, with the slightest nod imaginable.
“You died? Indeed Thomas, you are dead. This is heaven after all, no one get up here, if not dead, you know.”
She explained and smiled softly, slowly blinking. Meanwhile Thomas scrambled to his feet, backing away slightly.
“No. NO… that can’t be. I was not yet ready. I was not done. There still is so much left to do.”
He stammered and continued to back away. The white cat looked after him, but did not make a move to follow him or stop him. She just sat there and waited for him to realize.
“I… I need to go back down! I… I can’t stay here. I… “
He looked around, but everything he saw was that neverending meadow. Lush green grass everywhere until the horizon. He slowed down, stumbled slightly and sat down, breathing heavily. The panic in his eyes was palpable when he looked back at her. Slowly the realization sunk in.
“I… I can’t go back… can’t I?”
He asked quietly and the white cat, who slowly stood up and stretched lavishly, slowly came over to him.
“No Thomas, you can not go back. Why would you want to go back?”
She asked coming up to him and brushed her head against his in an attempt to calm him down. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the contact for the moment, but pulled his head back soon after.
“I still have things to do down there, I was not yet done with my life.”
He blurted out and sniffed her fur as she continued to brush up against him, purring softly.
“But Thomas, you know that does not matter. No one is ever ready to cross the bridge. It just happens.”
She whispered into his ear, letting her purring carry her words over. He shuddered and could not help to start purring himself. Whatever she did to him, it calmed his nerves, soothed the panic away and he was almost ready to let go, but then again he clung to his resolve and straightened up.
“No. No, I can’t just let myself go, I need to get back down. I have serious business on earth, I can’t just die. I just can’t.”
He pressed out, unable to keep his own purring out of his voice. The white, angelic cat sighed softly and nudged him with her nose.
“Well, Thomas, normally I would recommend just letting it be and enjoy being in heaven. No more worries, no more stress and all, but I see you will not budge that easily.”
She said in her incredibly soft and velvety voice. Thomas turned his head to follow her while she slinked around him, constantly brushing herself against him, letting her purring and her scent comfort him.
“But, if you really, really want to go back down there, where there is only pain and suffering, I guess I could bring you to the CBdDC.”
Of concluded and nudged him again, demanding him to return the favor, but he was unable to comply in his state.
“The SeeBee what?”
He asked and found himself opposite to her lovely face, their noses mere millimeters apart and her deep blue eyes piercing through his amber ones.
“The CBdDC, the Central Bureau of dissatisfactory Death Complaints. The central administration for all deceased, where they, you, can complain about the circumstances of your demise.”
Now she had his full attention, his ears were perked and his eyes were wide open.
“Really? And they could get me back down there?”
Now his purring was even louder than hers, and her ears drooped slightly and her expression was one of sorrow, but she nodded.
“If they find your complaint grounded and reasonable enough to warrant a return to the mortal plain, then yes, they could get you back down to earth, but I would seriously discourage you from trying it.”
She said softly, tilting her head down, still looking him in the eyes, as if searching for his reasons to abandon heaven for a place not unsimilar to hell, but he did not budge. Instead his ears perked even more and there was something like a sparkle in his eyes.
“Please, bring me there, or show me the way. I beg you, please.”
He pleaded, the desperation clearly audible in his voice. She slowly blinked and in an instant the scenery behind her changed. It was as if a portal opened directly behind her and it showed a busy street in some kind of city. There was a sidewalk, on which many people rushed in both directions and beyond that sidewalk were stairs leading to a big entryway.
“You will have to go in there. This is the CBdDC, where they will evaluate your application and then you may get your permission to go back down.”
She explained and Thomas looked past her, examining the scene beyond the portal. It looked like a busy city street and yet it did not. Something seemed off, but he was unable to put a paw on it. In the end he shrugged his shoulder and tried to walk past her, but she laid her paw on his shoulder, making him stop even before he was able to set off.
“Take care, and godspeed.”
She whispered and let go of him. He pressed his lips together, making his whisker stand out even more.
“You won’t come with me?”
It was more a statement than a question and the white cat next to him nodded silently.
“I am not allowed to leave my post.”
He nodded softly.
“What’s your name?”
She shook her head.
“We do not have names.”
She whispered barely audible tilting her head slightly.
“You should go now, your destiny awaits.”
She added and earned a slight nod, before he stepped through the portal, which closed directly behind him, leaving her alone in the meadow.
She breathed heavily and closed her eyes.
“Will you let him go?”
She asked silently, not really expecting an answer.
She waited for a short while and when she got no answer she nodded.
“Thought so…”
Thomas stood right in the middle of a wide pedestrian street. There were people everywhere and everyone seemed to be in a hurry; but unlike the cities he used to know, no one kicked him, everyone dodged around him, stepped out of their way so as not to step on him. That was a pleasant surprise. Carefully he made his way over to the stairs leading to the big entryway he saw earlier.
The big sign over the huge double doors read: Central Bureau of dissatisfactory Death Complaints.
A steady stream of people entered the doors to the right and an equally steady stream exited the building from the left doorway. From the street it had seemed that it had been only a few steps, but now, as he stood on the lowest step, it seemed like a whole mountain he needed to climb to get to the door. He swallowed and climbed the stairs, but the further he got, the higher the steps seemed to become. Whereas the first steps had barely been steps at all he now needed to jump up to the next one. As he looked behind him, it looked like he had only just climbed the first two steps.
“What trickery is this?”
He asked himself and was sure it was some kind of magic trick to keep people from asking for their services. Then he spotted someone on the same step as he was, it was an old man, he looked tired, spent and demotivated. He sat on the step, leaning his back against the wall behind him and was breathing heavily. Curiously he turned to him and slowly came closer, head tilted to one side, tail raised. The old man saw him immediately and smiled.
“Oh I see, there is another lost soul searching for its place. Come here kitty, take a break with me.”
He said with his old and rough voice, which overflowed with warmth and love, while he patted his lap. Thomas meowed and came closer. Curious, but also careful. He had met countless humans in his life, and while most were quite nice, some were cruel, but this time he was fairly certain that this man would not harm him. As he came closer the man reached out for him but did not touch him but waited for Thomas to come the last few steps and greet him. The tomcat folded his ears back and with a tiny mew headbumped the hand of the old man.
“There you go little fellow. Come on over and stay a while.”
The old man said and invited him onto his lap once more; and Thomas took the invitation, carefully climbing on it and immediately laying down, curling himself up. He purred loudly as the old man secured him with one hand gently laid behind Thomas’ back and softly stroking his head with the other.
“Good kitty. See, no better place than an old folks lap for a cat. My, how beautiful you can purr…”
The human began to babble a steady stream of well meaning nonsense, while continuously stroking and skritching the cat on his lap, enjoying its equally steady rhythm of purring.
Thomas did not know for how long he had lain on the old man’s lap, but it felt good, it eased his urges somehow and almost made him forget why he had come here in the first place. The hands that constantly caressed him and that neverending stream of pleasantries mumbled by the human were like a drug, the kind that instantly hooked you and never let you go anymore. He caught himself stretching his chin up, so the man was able to scratch him underneath, rolled carefully on his back and let him rub his sensitive belly gently. He never even thought about the fact that he actually hated bellyrubs. He was a cat, and a proud street prowling cat at that, no dumb dog, who rolled on his back as soon as he saw his human come along.
Then it hit him like a sledgehammer. This was just another one of those tricks to keep him from reaching the bureau. He grumbled low in his throat. This time, other than with the stairs, he had to really fight himself to return to the task at hand. Everything in him screamed for him to stay and keep the old man company, only the tiniest little bit of his conscience whispered that he still had things to finish on earth, things that were much more important than some stupid pets, delivered by some stranger on the side of the road.
The old man realized momentarily that the cuddletime was over, even before Thomas carefully pushed his hand away from his belly.
“Hmm I guess it is time for you to leave…”
Mumbled the human and leaned back a bit more to show Thomas that he would not hold him back. The cat slowly righted himself and sat up straight on his lap. There was an understanding between the two of them and the old man nodded, carefully brushing his hand one last time over Thomas’ head, who pushed his head firmly against it.
“I guess, there is a time for everything, my little friend. And now it is time for a good bye.”
Thomas blinked slowly and mewed quietly, before brushing his head once more against the man’s chest.
It was not as if it was easy for him to leave the man behind, but he needed to get into the bureau, else he would never get his chance to return. After that last exchange, he climbed up to the human’s shoulder before leaping up to the next step.
Without realizing he had reached the final plateau leading to the entrance of the building. His eyes widened and he gasped. No more steps, no more obstacles, just a few meters of plane concrete. Quickly he set off to reach the enormous doors leading inside. He followed the ranks of people heading in and again he was surprised that they just made room for him to walk alongside them. No one kicked him, no one stepped on him, everyone just moved slightly out of the way so the small cat could slip in.
On the outside the building had already looked huge, but on the inside it was ginormous. Thomas was unable to comprehend how many levels, staircases, corridors, doors, elevators and balconies there were, it was all a big jumble to him. He looked around, trying to make sense of it all, trying to find just where he was supposed to go. Wandering aimlessly for what felt like an eternity he found another animal in a corner. It was an old dog, grey muzzle, blind eyes, frayed ears. Not the great enemy he once feared in the streets, but nevertheless he remained cautious. From still a few steps away he called over.
“Hey there old geezer, can you tell me where I need to go to voice a complaint?”
Thomas asked in a friendly yet cautious tone and watched as the ears of the other perked up.
“Oh I hear a pussycat. I would recognize a cat amidst a thousand other voices… where are you, little tomcat. Come closer.”
The old dog answered, looking at him with his dull eyes. Feeling the gaze burn into his very soul, Thomas first stepped back a pace or two, but when the dog spoke anew, he was sure, the old fleecarpet was no danger after all.
“I have not smelled one of your kind for ages. Come on, give an old dog a little treat, let me smell my sworn enemy once more. I won’t bite, I promise.”
The dog’s voice was as old as he looked, rough, worn out and cracked at the edges, but it still carried a warm undertone and it sounded just like one would imagine an old great-grandpa would sound like. Thomas took heart and stepped forward, carefully closing in to the old dog, whose nose sniffed agitated in the stuffy air of the busy building. When the cat had almost reached him something like a transformation went through the dog. His blind eyes lid up and he began to pant softly.
“Oh yes. I can smell you. Just as I remember.”
The mutt said with renewed vigor in his voice and his nose worked feverishly as he zeroed in on Thomas.
“Please, don’t go just yet, let me indulge in this just a little bit longer. Please.”
Begged the dog and the cat decided that he would have the time to spare, to gift this dog just a few more moments of bliss. He did not know where to go anyway.
“How long are you here already?”
Asked Thomas, while he looked the old dog up and down. Taking in the matted fur, the tangled hair of his tail, the whole ecosystem that obviously inhabited him. The dog’s nose slowed down and he sank in on himself.
“I am here since… since…”
He seemed lost in thought for a moment, moving his mouth and eyes without saying anything, but his expression changed slowly, he appeared to be infinitely tired all of a sudden.
“... I don’t know. Hours? Days? An eternity? Time does not work around here as it used to on earth. I could be here for all of five minutes, at the same time I could be here for god only knows how many millenia. I just know, I haven’t sniffed a cat in forever… Thank you for that.”
The dog concluded, tilting his head slightly, lifting his hint leg but refrained from scratching an elusive itch, asking instead.
“What was it that you wanted to know?”
Thomas, still contemplating what the dog just said, was caught in surprise and had to sort his thoughts anew.
“I… I wanted to know where I would need to go to voice a complaint.”
He stated and looked around, still completely overwhelmed by the sheer size of the building.
“Oh, yes, complaints… you are at least in the right building, but I can not really give you directions. It does not work like that around here. As you surely have already realized, things are not quite what they seem to be. Steps emerging from nowhere, houses that are bigger on the inside, and so on, and so forth.”
The dog began and Thomas could only agree, things were acting strange.
“Yes I already experienced that. How is this possible?”
He asked and the old dog grimaced something that almost looked like a grin, almost.
“Well, my young fellow, you are in purgatory. This has all to do with reviewing your soul and your worthiness to enter heaven.”
Thomas eyes widened.
“But… but I already was in heaven, why do I need to go through purgatory now?”
He asked, a slight panic in his voice, and he looked around once more. Desperation took hold of him. Was it because he wanted to go back down? Did that wish alone fault his soul from staying in heaven? What if he did not pass this test? Let alone not be able to get a second chance.
The dog shook his head.
“Well, you want to voice a complaint. There is no place in heaven for complaints. You can only voice it here, in purgatory. The purgatory will open the way for you, as soon as it deems you worthy to proceed further. Just be patient, it may take a while…”
This explanation did not really help Thomas’ case, but what was he to do? The dog looked as if he was in here for a long time already.
“So… I just sit here and wait then?”
He asked, looking at the dog in utter disbelief, while the dog shook his head.
“No, that is not how it works. You gotta go and look for the reception. There you will get your number, and when your number is being called, you will be able to voice your complaint to an agent.”
The tomcat tilted his head and listened to the old geezer, when he was done the cat sighed.
“Please, don’t tell me you are still waiting for your number to be called.”
Now the old dog started to laugh. It was an old, rough laugh, but it was also hearty and filled with genuine compassion.
“Oh, you are such a sunshine for my old soul. No, no I am not waiting for my number to be called. I have voiced my complaints ages ago. I have been rejected and never found my way out again.”
Answered the dog and Thomas was in shock.
“You, you never got out of the building again? That is horrible.”
He almost shouted and looked around to see if he could spot the exit, but all he could see were humans, unending numbers of humans, and corridors, stretching far and wide from where they sat. The dog shook his head once more.
“No. No it is ok. As I said before, the building will let me out as soon as my soul is ready to move on. Maybe, now that I helped you, I will be permitted to leave the building again.”
He said calmly and sniffed the air.
“I think I can already smell the fresh air… I might try to find the exit now.”
He added and slowly stood up, stretching long unused legs and his back, growling low with content. Thomas made way, so the dog could pass him easily.
“Many thanks my feline friend, and may you find your peace soon.”
“Godspeed old man, take it easy and don’t get overrun.”
Thomas gave back with a soft smile, happy to see the old dog slowly walk towards his destiny. Quickly the dog merged with the crowd and was lost between the myriad of legs crossing his path constantly. Thomas waited for a moment longer, trying to spot him through the jungle of human appendages, before he himself turned to walk alongside the humans, trying to find that elusive reception the dog spoke of.
He wandered with the humans for quite a while longer, not sure for how long, but he realized that every once in a while one of the humans just changed direction and disappeared in one of the corridors that shot off to one side. He decided to go with the next human to do that, just to see where that would lead him.
And surely, it did not take too long for one of them to seemingly at random change directions and follow one of the corridors. It came so surprisingly that Thomas almost was not able to react fast enough, but he managed to follow the human into a quiet, lonely corridor.
All of a sudden there were no other humans anymore, just the one he followed. It took them a while to follow the winding corridor, walking past closed doors without ever seeing another living being. Thomas was almost at the point that he considered turning around and running back to the main corridor and joining up with the masses again, but then he realized that if he turned back now, he most likely would not end up with the other humans again, but would come out in a whole other part of the building, if he ever came out anywhere.
Just as he began to lose hope, the corridor opened up into a bigger lobby with half a dozen desks over which a sign hung: Reception. His eyes lit up and he wanted to kiss the human who had led him here, but the person was already queuing up in front of one of the desks. Thomas quietly stepped in line behind the human, ready to wait for his turn.
“Hey you… Hey… Pussycat!”
Someone yelled, but Thomas did not react right away.
“Are you deaf? Hey? Pussycat!”
Only now did Thomas look around to see who was calling him out. First he did not see anything in particular, but then he saw a somewhat smaller desk, set up all the way to the right. A white sheep dog was waving at him, begging him forward. Thomas looked around once more and pointed to himself, the dog nodded vigorously. The cat swallowed and stepped out of the line and approached the dog, who sat behind his desk.
“Erm… Hello…”
Opened Thomas and the dog greeted him with a wide smile, showing of his gleaming teeth.
“Welcome to the CBdDC. How can I help you?”
The receptionist asked in a very polite tone, smiling the whole time. Thomas looked at him in confusion, but then remembered how the white cat had shortened the name of the bureau before. He breathed deeply and nodded.
“I need to go back down to earth. I still have things that are very much unfinished. I… I can’t stay dead… not yet.”
He explained and swallowed while the receptionist behind the desk nodded and his expression darkened slightly.
“In that case you’ll need to talk to an actual agent first. I’ll assign you a number.”
The dog explained calmly and plotted out a piece of paper with a written number. He shoved it over the desk towards Thomas.
“You see that display up there? When your number is called you go to that red door over there. Your agent will be in there and will take your complaint.”
The cat looked at the piece of paper and the high four digit number written in it. He nodded.
“Thank you.”
He murmured, took the paper and stepped back to wait for his turn. Slowly he looked around to find a place where he could sit down. After a short search he found a somewhat quiet place at the foot of a pillar, from which he could still see the monitor clearly. Sitting down he put down the paper in front of him and looked once more at it. The number in the monitor was still very much in the three digit range, so he would have to wait for quite a while he guessed and laid down.
“No need to be uncomfortable when I have to wait half an eternity.”
He mumbled to himself and decided to doze off for a while. He knew how the Humans sometimes waited for hours on end in lines to get something, so he anticipated just as much waiting for himself.
And indeed, the wait seemed to never end. He saw humans come and go all the time in a seemingly neverending dance of entering and exiting doors. Through his halflidded eyes he saw the counter in the monitor slowly advance from one number to the next, never skipping any number, never going faster, always keeping its slow but deliberate pace.
His mind started to drift off, back to his life on earth. How long has he already been dead now? Would time go on like it normally did on earth? What If his corpse was already gone when he finally had his chance to speak with that agent?
“Will she still be waiting for me when I…”
He stopped midsentence and sight deeply.
“... if I ever get home?”
He asked No one in particular and laid his head onto his paws, that was when he felt the presence, but before he could do anything, there was a hand that ever so gently scritched his neck.
“Don’t worry little one, she will be waiting for you.”
The voice attached to said hand was angelic, sweet and soothing, making Thomas calm down immediately. He was not able to turn his head to Look at the one caressing his neck, but whoever it was, he knew exactly where his sweet spots were and how much pressure to apply to get the maximum result. The tomcat instinctively stretched his neck, pressed up against the digits massaging his neck and ultimately began to purr loudly.
“That’s the way, relax, do not fight against it. Time runs differently in the afterlife.”
The voice added softly and Thomas felt how his body slowly became heavier and how his eyes threatened to fall shut, he did not want to fall asleep, too afraid was he of oversleeping his appointment with that CBdD-Agent.
“N…no, I must stay awake… I must not…”
Meowed the sleepy cat, while the hand kept stroking him.
“I know, you will not miss your appointment, don’t worry.”
The voice said, as if perfectly understanding the cat’s concerns. Thomas huffed and laid down his head, closing his eyes, unable to withstand the lure of sleep any longer.
…
When he opened his eyes the next time the counter stood at a number only two counts lower than his. While the relief of not having overslept still washed over him he felt the hand carefully stroking over his back.
“See, told you, you would not oversleep your appointment, Thomas.”
Said the voice, whose tone was full of affection. The sleepy cat nodded softly and turned his head to finally see who was attached to that voice and hand that had taken so good care of him. Behind him knelt an enormous old, bearded man. He seemed to be at least four meters tall, if not more, his hair was of a white-ish color and his long beard was braided in a very elaborate way. He wore a flowing white, featureless robe and his eyes were of a warm brown color. Thomas could not directly see his smile, but the small wrinkles around his eyes betrayed his benevolent smile.
The cat carefully extracted himself from under the man’s hand and stretched lavishly, before turning around and brushing up against the hand and forearm of his benefactor.
The quiet chuckle of the man as he continued to caress the cat sounded full of joy, while Thomas’ purring provided a suiting underscore for it.
“You should go over to the door, your number will be up any moment now…”
Said the man and stroked over the tomcat’s head one last time before pointing over at the door.
Thomas felt incredibly grateful for the man’s patience and his care, and so he brushed around his hand and arm once more, pushing his nose fiercely against the hand and meowing quietly before nodding to the man once more. The man nodded in return and Thomas turned around to walk over to the door.
At the door he sat down and waited for the last numbers to tick up.
When finally his number was shown on the board above the door, he pushed himself up on the door and fidgeted at the doorhandle until the door opened for him. Quickly he slipped through, before the door fell shut behind him.
…
Even before he could take a look around he heard a soft voice behind him.
“Hello Thomas.”
It sounded benevolent, quiet and completely relaxed, bored even. Thomas turned and looked around the room. The office was surprisingly small, given the big door he slipped through. The walls were of a somewhat plain looking color, even though it was red, it did not seem overly exaggerated. The floor was laid with wooden planks that were surprisingly comfy to walk on. In the middle of the room was a desk, behind which his agent for the day sat and waited for him to come closer.
Thomas eyes widened as he realized that his agent was a bulldog, whose coat was blood red and he bore horns beside his cut ears. The eyes of the dog blazed with a fiery red and his smiled like the devil he was.
“Come closer Thomas, we need to talk.”
The Agent beckoned and pointed at a cushion in front of the desk. Carefully the tomcat closed in on the desk, weary of the canine sitting behind it. He had never been on good terms with dogs, as they had tended to chase him around. With his head held low and his guard raised he approached the pillow and carefully sat down on it.
“Relax you foolish kitty, I am not here to harm you.”
The Agent spoke calmly, sorting through a few of the papers on his desk.
“If I would have wanted to do that, you would have never seen it coming.”
He added and tossed a stack of paper from his desk into a big basket, where it caught fire and burned quickly. Thomas watched as the paper was rapidly consumed by the flames, while it never as much as emanated any heat or light, it was just consumed to be gone. Fascinated he stared at the basket until the agent cleared his throat noisily.
“Hrm… So, Thomas, sadly, even though time is meaningless down here, we do not have all the time in the world.”
He said in his eerie calm and benevolent tone, while Thomas’ eyes snapped back to the agent, looking at him attentively. The cat swallowed and nodded.
“Good. So Thomas, tell me, what brings you to me today?”
The Agent asked and Thomas took a deep breath.
“Well, what should I tell you, I am dead and I am not in agreement to that. I can not die, not now at least. I have business among the living. I am needed there. I… I…”
Thomas began, but all the while the agent shook his head. He took a folder from a stack of folders to his right. As Thomas saw that he began to stutter.
“...I …I can not stay here… she… she needs me… I need to go back… it is a matter of life and death…”
The dog nodded slowly, opened the folder and took some of the papers out of it.
“Mhm, I understand Thomas, but do you have any idea how many times I have heard that exact reason before?”
He asked, still talking calm and quiet, not raising his voice over a mere whisper, while he looked over the papers he had taken from the folder.
“I honestly do not know. …but the way you say that… maybe a few too many times?”
Thomas asked, unsure of what to say to the clearly demonic dog, reading the file on the desk.
“You could say that, indeed. Thomas, I have been an agent in this office for something like fifteen thousand years. The reason you just told me is numero uno on our list of reasons, at least every second deceased who comes in here claims just that, or something along the same lines. Look…”
The agent explained and took a picture from the file and held it up, so Thomas could see it, but the moment the cat laid eyes on it he clenched them shut and turned his head away.
“... it does not get much more clear than this. I am afraid my dear feline friend, you pretty much are dead!”
Even though the agent still did not raise his voice, the picture, together with the explanation of the dog behind the desk were like the headstone on his grave, weighing him down with insurmountable force. When he heard the paper being put back into the file, Thomas opened his eyes again and slowly looked at the agent again, his eyes were overflowing with tears.
“But… but… this can’t be… I really am needed up there. I… I really am needed… she needs me…”
He brought out under tears, while the agent sighed heavily, folding his hands and pressed his lips together.
“I am sorry Thomas, I really am, but this is an absolute, one hundred percent, picture perfect case. I mean, you saw it yourself, there is no coming back from that. I am sorry.”
The bulldog said, and he really sounded sincere, but Thomas shook his head and put his paw together.
“Please, you do not know…”
That was as far as he got, before the agent pressed his paw to his eyes and sighed again.
“Yes, yes I do know, Thomas.”
He responded, not letting the tomcat finish his argument. He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled.
“Listen Thomas, we are not born here. I was once a living being myself. Sure, it has been a few thousand years now, but I still know how it feels to run through freshly mowed lawn, to scatter nicely raked leafes, and I also still know how good a pat on the back can feel. We never forget. It is part of being down here. But that does not mean that we can, or even have the right to change what has happened. You had an accident, and a deadly one at that. I can not grant your request, solely on your claim that you have unfinished business on earth. That is just not how it works. You should have been more cautious. That accident could have been avoided.”
Even now, the agent did not raise his voice, even though the annoyance was clearly audible in his smooth, well modulated voice. Thomas lips quivered, he let his head hang low. His shoulders trembled under his grieve and anger.
“Then… then…”
He began, slowly lifting his head, looking up to the employee behind the desk through reddened eyes.
“... then you will accept that someone else will die, just because you will prevent me from getting what I was carrying to my destination?”
Thomas' voice was a choked mess of sobs and hiccups at that point. He did not really see, what the agent was doing, the veil of tears was obstructing his vision too much, he just heard papers shifting. Could it really be, would they just accept it? Would they be willing to seal someone else’s fate, just for the sake of keeping the books clean? Was an insignificant life, such as his, so important to the great vision, that changing such a small detail would throw a spanner into it?
The next thing he heard was the agent clearing his throat once more, and Thomas tried hard to blink away the tears enough to see the red dog clearly.
“Listen, Thomas… I just looked over your file once more.”
The agent began and the cat perked his ears. Maybe there was hope.
“You have been a very faithful soul, and I can see why you are so attached to that… person.”
Thomas listened and tried to calm himself down, while the agent took another file from the stack and opened it.
“You have accompanied that … human … for seven lifetimes. That is impressive, even in my eyes.”
To that the tomcat on the pillow raised an eyebrow.
“What… what do you mean… seven lifetimes?”
Thomas asked, clearly not understanding what the dog behind the desk meant by that.
“Well, Thomas, maybe you do not know, but cats, like yourself, have nine lives, nine chances of getting it right, before the final curtain falls.”
The bulldog explains, folding his hands once more.
“Nine lives? But… but that…”
Thomas blurted out while his eyes were moving left to right and back again in fast succession.
“... how?”
The dog shrugged.
“Who knows. The big boss seldomly explains his ways.”
He stated and waited for the inevitable.
“But that means, when I died seven times, and I have nine chances, then…”
He did not get any further, before the agent cut him off again.
“Sorry pal, but you died nine times. That accident was the final one.”
There was a hint of sadness in the voice of the agent, but still he kept his voice well modulated, like he had had this talk a million times over already.
“But you said I followed that person for seven…”
“Yes I did, you accompanied that human for seven lifetimes, the other two, however… well let me bring some light into the darkness.”
The agent said and took another paper from his file.
“There it is… Thomas J. Fluffbottom. Your first life did end on the seventh of November at the humble age of three weeks, four days, ten hours and thirteen minutes, as you were drowned by the farmer together with your eight siblings…”
“WHAT?”
Thomas cried out loud, but the agent did not pay him any heed, but continued his reading.
“... your second life ended after just one and half years, on February the third, after an especially harsh winter. You starved.”
“W…What?”
“... then it gets interesting, in your third life, you were bought from that same farmer, at an age of just over four weeks old, by a young woman by the name of Vivienne, who took you in as a pet. All in all you had a good life, until the fateful date of August the fourteenth, when you ran into a stray dog, who was surprisingly faster than you. I do not think I need to explain to you what happened next.”
The agent almost sounded sarcastic, and Thomas just shook his head.
“How come that I do not remember all of that?”
He asked, clearly confused.
“Well, being reborn does that to you, and to be totally honest, would you want to remember each and every death you suffered? I mean, I am happy I do not remember my own, and I only died once.”
The agent said, glancing up from the page shortly before continuing.
“... fourth lifetime, and this is the really creepy part, the same Vivienne adopted you again, this time from a shelter. Again, she cared good for you, and you led a good life, until you were careless again. It states here, on the first of June, you were chasing birds on a rooftop and fell… well turns out, cats do land on all fours, but if falling too deep… well.”
Thomas did not say anything anymore, while the bulldog recited the next life.
“... it only gets more curious from here on out, for your fifth lifetime, you ended up again, with Vivienne, but this time, she gathered you up from the streets. Apparently you were a stray that life, and it led you back to her somehow. … bla bla bla… oh… well, as it seems, life on the streets has gifted you with some incurable health condition. You passed away in her arms on the last day of summer, you were just four years old by then.”
The dog shook his head.
“Well, I am sorry for that one, a shame, really. On your sixth, again, you ended up with Vivienne. Fate has it with the two of you, but again you were not destined to stay with her, as this time you ate a poisoned rat. Not really a nice way to go.”
He said before he took the next page from the folder. Thomas was in shambles right now, caught between the disbelief and the disgust about what he was hearing from the agent about his past lives.
“But… but… all of this is just completely awfull… how… why…”
He stuttered looking at the dog pleadingly, the agent nodded, as he could not contradict him in any meaningful way.
“I have to agree, you are a very unlucky cat. Most of you at least reach old age before you pass on, but you… even in your seventh go, you had no luck. Shot by a Hunter while strolling in the woods behind the house. That picture looks nasty.”
The agent added and shoved the printout back into the file, before reading on for the Last two lifetimes of the poor tomcat sitting before his desk.
“Mmmhmmm, but I have to admit, you are a fighter. Your eighth life was one of constant struggle. Vivienne had moved to another town, where you had to fight for your place in the hierarchy of alleycats. Again she had adopted you from a farmer and took you to the new place, and after letting you get used to your surroundings, she let you roam out and about. That was when you came in contact with the free Roaming Cats of that town, and establishing the local hierarchy under cats seems to be an ongoing process, since it states here that you were constantly involved in some sort of fighting. Well, ultimately you must have run into an especially rowdy fellow, ‘cause he messed you up big time.”
By then Thomas was completely distraught.
“But… Who is this Vivienne you talk about? I do not know any Vivienne. I… I… oh by the heavens… I do not remember anything… why do I not remember anything anymore?”
He cried out standing up and propping himself up on the desk, looking at the agent in a flight of pure panic. The dog kept his cool however and gestured placatingly at Thomas.
“Calm down boy. Relax. I will explain it to you, but please, calm down first.”
He said, his voice still calm, but just a tiny bit louder than before. It took a moment, but then Thomas stepped back and sat down again, still very much aggravated, but he had it under control enough to not just explode. The agent nodded softly.
“So, let me explain it to you. In the end it is not that difficult to understand. When someone passes away in peace, all his memories about his past lives will be lost forever, since there is nothing holding one back anymore and the soul can pass on in peace. However, when we are yanked away from the mortal plains by violence, some of the memories still remain, at least for a time. Mostly things that are very important at the moment of death. In your case the inevitable desire to deliver something to Vivienne, even though you do not remember anymore who she was and what it was that you were delivering.”
The red coated bulldog explained in his usual quiet and calm demeanor, folding his hands and leaning forward on his desk. In his eyes reflected something akin to compassion. Thomas took it all in and to his horror, he could not contradict the agent in any meaningful way, again.
He was unable to remember Vivienne, or in fact whoever he was on the way to at the time of his demise. He was not even able to tell what he was carrying at the time. He only knew it had been of immense importance to him, to get it there and fast. But the what and why were completely gone, as was the who and where.
The only thing that remained, and even that was by now fading into the background, was that all encompassing urge to bring it to her.
Thomas’ mouth opened and closed wordlessly as his eyes flicked back and forth. Slowly his whole body began to tremble, as his whole reason to exist at all vanished before his very eyes.
He began to whimper, as words failed him and his legs threatened to give out under him.
“I… I… I don’t remember… I don’t remember her… but… but it was so important… I needed to get it to her… but… but… what was it? What was I carrying that was so important…”
He stuttered, his voice trembling alongside his body. Bitter tears ran down his face, as his life or lives were shattered.
At that point the bulldog stood up behind his desk and slowly made his way around the big wooden table, sitting down next to Thomas, providing him with a steady shoulder to lean on.
“Calm down lad… relax… it is in the past now… nothing we can do about it.”
He said and felt the weight of the tomcat next to him leaning against his much, much bigger and sturdier frame. Thomas sobbed and his whole body shook under his crying as only choked up words left his mouth.
“I… hic... I… can’t… I… hic… won’t… I… hnnn… I won’t let… go… hrnnn… I…”
He tried to speak, but the words failed him. The agent shook his head slowly, raising one of his paws to his eyes and pressed it against them.
“Listen, Thomas, I do understand your predicament, I really do. That is why I am suitable for this position, but, well, your death is legitimate, there is no doubt there. If you fell from the roof again, or caught a sickness once more, then there would have been a sliver of a chance we would have been able to appeal your claim.”
The dog explained, and for the first time his voice sounded a bit strained, while he remained calm on the outside, letting the tomcat lean his little body against him in the desperate need for support.
“...but… but… hic… I… need… hnnn… it is… last… hic… chance… hrnnnn… good bye…”
Thomas pressed out, trying hard to keep himself together, while next to him the big red dog sighed deeply. He had lost count of how many times he had heard that request. He had given up on counting how many times he had been forced to deny this request. The rules were clear, no second, or in this case, last chances. If the death was indisputable, he had to follow the rules, stated by the divine being itself. Not that he would even have been able to act against the rules, he was just simply unable to.
He breathed deeply once more.
“Thomas, please, don’t…”
He whispered, but the cat was unable to stop crying.
Not only was he denied his last, his ultimate wish, even a simple good bye had been made impossible. And to add insult to injury, he had been told that he had suffered this fate eight times already, with this time being the ninth.
How could he calm down? How should he be able to let this go?
Clearly robbed of the destiny, fate had chosen for him. Why else would he have been paired with the same person seven times over, only to be taken from her in some violent way.
He trembled with grief, but also anger, rage even. Rage against the system, that had given him nine chances in the first place, robbed him of his memories, but left him with a desire he would never be able to fulfill, left him stranded in perpetual purgatory, with no clear way out; but also rage against himself, as he was unable either to go back and finish the task, that weighed so heavy on him, nor to finally let it go and embrace peace in this so called afterlife. All that was left was grief.
Grief for a life lost he did not remember, grief for a person lost he did not remember either, and grief over his inability to set things right.
“Shhhhh… it is ok… calm down…”
The dog next to Thomas tried to calm him down, but Thomas was not able to, not yet.
His body still trembled, shaken by deep sobs and occasional jolts. After a while he slowly lifted his head up and looked at the agent sitting next to him. He looked terrible.
His fur was matted with tears, sticking out in every angle, his beautiful amber eyes were reddened and puffy from all the crying and his normally pink nose was almost purple. He looked ages older than he actually was, even all nine lives combined.
“How… but how… hic… can I calm down? Robbed of my life, my purpose, my destiny? By a freak accident… hic… by a cruel system… hnnn… not even able to say my goodbyes to the one… hnnn… even you said I was destined to accompany…”
He pressed out, his voice still trembling, interrupted by sobs and hiccups, but he seemed to slowly regain at least some semblance of control over himself. The agent next to him sighed and shrugged his shoulders.
“If you ever find out, tell me, it would make all of this much, much easier, for all of us.”
The dog said in his usual calm tone, leaning in to Thomas a bit more.
“You know, we all lost someone… something… a life… or more… we all grief, no one is spared the pain. Some just have an easier time letting go than others.”
He continued recalling the many, many clients who had sat here in his office over the decades, centuries and millennia, he was doing this already.
Thomas took a deep, quivering breath and looked up at the red furred agent.
“You too…?”
He asked softly between his breaths and the dog nodded.
“Believe me my friend, no one wants to be dead. No matter how poor your life was, no one wants to be here. Sure, the angels, who never were anywhere else, they do not mind. And they really try to make it the paradise it is meant to be, but they never quite get it right. Not that I get to enjoy it, but in general.”
There was something wistful in the dog’s voice as he talked and he looked at something in the distance only he could see. Thomas looked at him in disbelief, while he ever so slightly calmed down. He swallowed and wanted to ask something, but the agent was faster.
“You know, life has something raw and true about it that can not be replicated, no matter how hard they try. You woke up on that green pasture, didn’t you?”
Thomas nodded softly.
“It looks nice, doesn’t it?”
Again the cat besides the agent nodded.
“Right. But did you smell it? I mean really smell it?”
Thomas strained his memory. Yes he did smell it, it smelled nice, fresh and clean.
Then it dawned on him. The smell was all wrong. It did smell of flowers, of fresh air and all, but it was that artificial smell, that perfume smell of flowers.
It was all wrong, all fake…
“I see, you realize it now. With time, you will forget how the real world has felt, has smelled and looked. You will get accustomed to this artificial paradise. The one they made, so the souls may find rest and peace. You will find your peace, since there is nothing you can do about it, but it will feel wrong. Even after all those years, it still feels wrong.”
The dog said and took a deep breath. Thomas still looked at him and there were a hundred questions in his head, but it felt wrong to ask them here and now. He felt how the dog carefully withdrew from him and when he was free, he slowly stood up, stretching lavishly, before slowly walking around his desk again, to take his place behind it. There he looked over the papers scattered on the table and began to sort them into their respective folders.
“Well, Thomas, as sorry as I am about it, I am not allowed to grant your request. Your appeal will not be considered.”
He stated in his usual calm but strict tone, which tolerated no contradiction. Thomas let his head hang low, but nodded. It had been worth a try. He had to try. He owed that much to her, at least.
“I guess… it was worth the try. Nevertheless, thank you for your consideration and consultation.”
The tomcat uttered, before slowly standing up and creeping towards the door, letting his head and tail hang low. The Agent looked after him in silence, and when the door closed behind Thomas, he looked at the ceiling.
“You know… sometimes you are cruel…”
…
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