Sadness
A gift art by Nelson88 and his cousin to cheer him me up after a really difficult moment. I am really thankfull to them for it. I have thought a lot before posting this pic and speaking of what is it related to. Don't keep reading if you don't like reading about emotionnal stuff and depression.
Tuesday has been a really difficult day for me. My father has been yelling at me most of the day when I got a call that my visa was rejected. I couldn't go to see Kink in the USA. It made me feel really bad and my father yelled at me because I was on the phone, saying I was a good to nothing, that it has been a month since I last worked, that in a month I was 33 and had no job and no future. I felt really really bad and thought about calling someone to talk, but I realized something that I was actually discussing about on messengers : I had no-one to talk. There is no-one in my life.
I was thinking of ending myself while my father kept ranting, took pills as I was doing a panic attack and left to drive around. Come back, still feel really depressed. I erased everyone from my messengers (had over 20 people on each, added back only 4 so far) because I felt so lonely (and the betrayal of a friend two days ago didn't helped) and thought of selling all my babyfur stuff since I was doomed to barely use it for myself but only for others. Leaned down, hugged a plushie for a few hours. Since then I got a few messages that cheered me up, my irl switzerland's friend told me that seeing him just before my birthday will help me and so on... Still feeling not that great as I can't keep out of my mind that there is no-one in my life that wants of a baby pup with him that I can actually met with any regularity, talk when I'm down and such.
I keep steeling myself against such feelings, but they bottle up and they crack me up despite all my efforts. Sorry but I felt talking about it may let a bit of the pressure go. Thanks to all who cares about me.
Tuesday has been a really difficult day for me. My father has been yelling at me most of the day when I got a call that my visa was rejected. I couldn't go to see Kink in the USA. It made me feel really bad and my father yelled at me because I was on the phone, saying I was a good to nothing, that it has been a month since I last worked, that in a month I was 33 and had no job and no future. I felt really really bad and thought about calling someone to talk, but I realized something that I was actually discussing about on messengers : I had no-one to talk. There is no-one in my life.
I was thinking of ending myself while my father kept ranting, took pills as I was doing a panic attack and left to drive around. Come back, still feel really depressed. I erased everyone from my messengers (had over 20 people on each, added back only 4 so far) because I felt so lonely (and the betrayal of a friend two days ago didn't helped) and thought of selling all my babyfur stuff since I was doomed to barely use it for myself but only for others. Leaned down, hugged a plushie for a few hours. Since then I got a few messages that cheered me up, my irl switzerland's friend told me that seeing him just before my birthday will help me and so on... Still feeling not that great as I can't keep out of my mind that there is no-one in my life that wants of a baby pup with him that I can actually met with any regularity, talk when I'm down and such.
I keep steeling myself against such feelings, but they bottle up and they crack me up despite all my efforts. Sorry but I felt talking about it may let a bit of the pressure go. Thanks to all who cares about me.
11 years ago
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