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Arada-Chapter 1
Title can't be empty.
Title can't be empty.
Alright here it is, the first chapter of the story depicting my fursona's past.
I hope you enjoy, and please, as always, comments are always welcome.
Oh and there is a folder to subscribe to if you're interested.
I hope you enjoy, and please, as always, comments are always welcome.
Oh and there is a folder to subscribe to if you're interested.
13 years ago
1609 Views
6 Likes
I must know more about what happe-
I just figured it out ^.^
I think......
maybe >.>
probably not :\
And I think I know what your thinking about.....I think anyways, and if I'm right it should come up in the third chapter.
Eh, maybe it'll even come up in the RP ^.^
However, i noticed a little telling. (show, don't tell)
"Saved me? You went down there while I was in heat and raped me while the others, including my now deceased mother, watched! Your a monster!"
This line for one seems scripted... unnatural. I can't imagine a lucario spouting that much information just like that. Yes - it gives the reader details, but it breaks the natural flow... it just feels out of place. The lucario she's talking to - he KNOWS what she did, so she doesn't need to remind him in such detail. It feels more like she's speaking to me as the reader.
Dialogue often leaves quite a deal of information for the reader to decipher on their own. I knew as soon as the other lucario entered that he raped her - i implied it by the setting and how she reacted to him - you didn't need that line fo dialogue to confirm it.
Very interesting indeed... i will be checking chapter 2...
*forms fist and thumps against opposite shoulder twice, then nods*