this is the beginning of  the rewrite of my earlier story. thanks for all the feedback, this has been by far the best results i have ever had posting a story. I am planning on useing this for Camp NANOWRIMO here in july. expanding the story and giving it a real ending.

i took the feedback i was given and i have made a major shift in how i'm telling the story. i could use some more feedback and  any other help you can provide.

P.S. i suck at editing any help there would be fantastic.

A faded green sedan parked in front of a small white house with light blue trim and a picket fence that looked like something out of the 50s. Kane step out of his car into the cool spring air and took a short look around at the mountains that surrounded the little town. He walked up to the door with a spring in his step. It was at long last the final client of the day, and with what he had planned for tomorrow there was not a thing that could bring a sour note to the day.   

            Kane uses the small ornate brass knocker “crack, crack, crack" the sound of metal on metal.  “Come in." the aged voice came from the other side of the door. Kane slowly opens the door, not used not being greeted at the door, to be bombarded by the smell of old. He wrinkled my nose for only a moment then moved deeper into the house. A voice calls from the sitting room to the left. “What's the holdup, get in here." Kane followed the voice to the other room.

            Shelves of plants sat in front of a window many with vegetables hanging the room was painted an awkward green/blue, And aged woman sat in an elegantly made rocking chair that creaks every time she rocks back and forth. The woman had white permed hair with a floral dress that covered most of her legs. What little did show brought pantyhose and soft flat shoos into view “What seems to be the problem ma'am?" she looked back at him through her spectacles.

            She considered for a moment. Her grey/blue eyes were alight with many years' experience judging people “My son wants me to get an email so I can keep in touch. You see they live way out east in DC. My first grate granddaughter was just born, and he wants to share her with me since I can't travel anymore, but the computer won't turn on." The woman pointed to an old computer on a table in the corner and then ads, “And you can call me Jean. Ma'am make you sound like one of those no good inbred hillbillies" Her smile was full, and full of caring warmth.

            A coffee table that sat in the middle of the room was the only obstacle to cross the room. As Kane skirted around it he noticed the scratched and stained surface. Bits of the old finish clung on like remnants of a better time Kane had past the table and was now kneeling by the tower of the computer. “When was the last time you used this thing?" Brushing away a thick layer of dust he inspected the casing.

            “Oh, when my grandson got a fancy laptop a few years ago," She responded with a flip of her hand as if discussing the weather. Kane's hand went to his forehead in an exasperated motion. He sigh and went to work first checking the connections. One after another good, good all good. Kane was about to give up hope of an early night, but than an idea hit him. A simple stupid brilliant idea.

 It wasn't plugged in. Kane's eyes followed the black cord from the tower to a power strip. The light was not lit. Flipping the switch off and back on, a faint red light came to life. Kane chucked at the simplicity of the solution and revel in the completion. With a satisfied smile Kane pressed the power button. The light above the disk drive started to flash and the fan began to whir. Standing he looked at the monitor and his heart sank like the Titanic.

            The logo for windows 97 burned to life on the screen. Kane turned with a despite look of shock to Jean. She just looked down her nose past the knitting he must have picked up only moments ago. “Well, would you look at that. You fixed it." Jean is speaking with a smile on her face and I contort my face to match.

            “Oh it wasn't that big of a deal it just wasn't plugged in," I say calmly. “I do it all the time," witch was sadly the truth. “There is still a problem. Your computer is really outdated" Kane sat in the chair in front of the computer with his foot over his knee creating a well-practiced parallel surface to the ground. He leaned forward “And it's really bad, like 17 years old bad. Your computer won't handle most of the stuff you might want it to do with it."

            “So I need to get I knew one. Probable going to cost and arm and a leg right.?" She stops rocking for a moment. “I'm not a rich person you know I can't just go buying every gadget out there." she crosses her arms knitting held in one hand, and went back to rocking slowly.

            “It's not as big of a problem as you think. Computer technology has come a long way since nit seven. In fact there are so many more options now that I think we can find the right match for you. I can go grab my computer and we can do some searching for you." Jean agreed and Kane went out to his car to get his company provided laptop turning on his phones Wi-Fi hotspot before returning in side to search computers. In the end she chose a MacBook that she could get a data plan for. And I give her my card with the promise to come back and help set the device up, before he walked out to his car and drove away.

            Kane was bouncing in my seat not able to contain his excitement. The weekend at long last had come and he had ended his day right on time. Tomorrow was his first real adventure. Camping for the first time ever was no small feat. On top of that his dreams never failed to be interesting so I had time to go to bed early and rejoin the other adventure he'd been dreaming the past few months. In no time Kane was at his house. A small, blue two bedroom house with a good kitchen. It was an isolated way to live but Kane had never enjoyed large crowds. The real reason he left his parents Chicago apartment as soon as he'd graduated and moved to the slower quieter rocky mountain of Colorado. The first year and a half was hard but he'd fallen into a routine and now felt comfortable in his life and where he seemed to me going.

Kane unlocked and pushed his way through the front door and nearly tripped over a daypack all set for the next day. Having been packed all week he'd tripped over the bag every day and it only came as a joyful reminder of what he was about to undertake. Kane had never been much for cooking. He wasn't incapable he just found no joy in it. So he cooked simple canned beans and sliced hot dogs mixed and heated in a pot. For what it is the food tasted great and I filed the empty void in him.

He ate in front of the TV. Watching a terrible move that happened to me on. With his belly full and the movie coming to a close Kane. Slunk his way to his room. Changing into pajama pants and sliding between the cool sheets. Sleep came easily and Kane found himself in a void of nothingness. Then slowly his senses returned. First, his sense of self then the feeling of movement, running. One by one his senses returned sharper clearer than before till at last he found himself in a new place, in a new body.

thanks for reading remember to vote and leave me some feedback!!! *hugs all around*