Part 12 Battle at Jerasinia\'s
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18 years ago
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Hey guys, now I know what you are thinking isn't he early and yes you are correct I am early. The reason being was from the time I finished the last one till now I had nothing to do....well except this. I hope you all enjoy except for furries who under 18 WHO SHOULD LEAVE RIGHT NOW!!! but if not do not blame me for your actions. Part 12 The day came way too early for Dragoune it seemed only yesterday when they planned this. Dragoune was with ten bats and most of the gryphons, they were the distraction, while Magnerous's group consisted of the rest of the gryphons his mate and Baxcon, they were the group who would find and kill Jerasinia. Baxcon was not going to miss this chance of fighting and killing a follower. Saneira, Volaxone, Rovino, and the rest of the Vordran were in the south waiting for the singal to come inside the city or fall back. It hurt Dragoune to leave Saneira again, but this time he could not feel the connection and that made it all the worse. Trying very hard to think of something else and get his head straight he went over the plan in his head. He and his troops will attack first at the west gate, making most of the enemy if not all come to protect it. Which will leave the other places weakened that's when it will be Magnerous's turn to attack and he will have very little resistance. Since the enemy gryphons are not really enemies Rovino and Magnerous decided that the only gryphon to actaully kill is Jerasinia. So that means that Dragoune is going to have to attack but not kill while the enemy gryphons will attack to kill. When the sun was about half way in the sky Dragoune got the go ahead. So he, the bats, and the gryphons took flight and when they got close to the city the alarm was already ringing. Around one hundred gryphons were already there and more was coming and they started to attack. As soon as they did Dragoune knew that Magnerous and his group was starting to take off. Dragoune blew fire while the bats screeched, the enemy gryphons scattered and the battle begun. It did not take long for more enemy gryphons to come, and it was hard for Dragoune and the Vordran gryphons to keep from hitting any vital spots on the enemy. They got lucky in hitting a leg or an arm disabling them for the battle but the enemy gryphons were them down by twos, and they already lost four bats. 'Any longer of this and soon there will be no one left.' Dragoune thought. An hour went by and the Vordran was back near the gates. As soon as Dragoune took out a gryphon, two more came from behind. Before Dragoune could react the gryphons attacked, one shot two arrows the other threw a dagger. One of the arrows hit Dragoune's right upper wing muscle and emmebeded it self, while the dagger hit the left wing making a big hole. Pain shot through Dragoune and he could not keep himself aloft. Trying very hard to glide down to the ground, Dragoune braced himself for what will be a very hard crash landing. The two enemy gryphons was watching this and when they saw that Dragoune was getting up they went after him. Dragoune was a little dazed after the fall but shook it off. That's when he saw the two gryphons coming after him, so he got ready. When they were about fifteen feet away, a Vordran and a gaurd gryphon came out yelling. "Stop fighting Jerasinia is dead!!" The gryphons that were going to attack Dragoune flew away but it took a while for the battle to actually stop. Once everybody landed, they went about their way, but alot of them were looking at each other challengingly. Dragoune wanted to see if Baxcon and Magnerous was alright. He knew he could not fly so he started walking to the castle. He did not get far though when a Vordran gryphon came and landed next to him. "You should not be alone right now master Dragoune. These gryphons here do not trust us yet." the gryphon said. Dragoune amazed just nodded. 'Did he just call me "master" or I hit my head harder than I thought' thought Dragoune. Once they were close to the castle two non-Vordran gryphons stopped them from going inside. "Let us through, I want to speack to Magnerous." said Dragoune, before the gryphons got to say anything Baxcon came out. "No one is to see Magnerous, because he is not to be disturbed." said Baxcon "What happened?" asked Dragoune, it took a long time for Baxcon to answer and when he did he was on the other side of Dragoune. "Because his mate is dead." Baxcon said softly. Dragoune felt three things when heard that. Sympathy for Magnerous's loss, his rage only to be increased by this incident, and a great wanting for Saneira to be there with him. "The Vordran are going to be at the south gate. Go and tell your gryphons to lower down for them and do not engage a fight." said Dragoune to the two gryphons, but they did not make a move. "Didn't you hear me?" asked Dragoune "We heard you but since we are no longer in Jerasinia's control we will not follow any orders from the king or his son." said one of them. Dragone was about to hit the gryphon but the grypon who was with him yelled. "Are you blind!?! Did you not see him fighting with the Vordran and now can't you see that Baxcon is not attacking him? He has no relation to the king any longer." Dragoune was again amazed that this gryphon was now defending him. 'Wow I guess they are really starting to trust me.' Dragoune thought and could not help but make a very small smile. Baxcon, Dragoune, and the gryphon were staring at the two gryphons as though coaxing them to protest. With great relunctancy one of them flew to the south gate. Just as he left Dragoune got a shot of huge pain in his wings and he fell on one knee. "We need to find you a place so I can take that arrow out and patch both holes." said the gryphon. They arrived at an inn and Baxcon followed them so he knew what to tell Saneira and Volaxone. When Dragoune and the gryphon got a room, Dragoune laid on his belly and spread out his wings so that the gryphon could have full access to them. He patched up the hole first and then went to the arrow. He grapped the arrow with both paws and said. "This is going to hurt so get ready." Dragoune bit down on the head board and nodded his head. The gryphon pulled hard and fast, pain shot through Dragoune. He took a chunk of the head board and roared deafingly. The gryphon was at the door afraid that Dragoune was going to hurt him. When the pain subsided to a throb Dragoune told the gryphon it was okay. The gryphon then came back and patched that one as well. "You will be able to fly again but wait for about a full week." said the gryphon. Just then Saneira came flying through the door tears in her eyes. Dragoune stood up very quickly and ran to her. They hugged kissed and licked each other for a long time. "The next battles that come I am staying with you." Saneira said. Dragoune did not say anything but rubbed his muzzle against hers. Volaxone and Rovino came in the room and sat down on chairs, while Saneira and Dragoune sat on the bed tails intwined. "I had a talk with a few gryphons and they agree for us to stay. But we need Magnerous to gain their trust. Where is he anyway?" said Rovino, Dragoune did not want to tell them the bad news and cursed Baxcon for making him do it. "He....lost....his mate." Dragoune said and there was a long silence. Saneira and him tightened their grips on their tails. "Well...I...guess...um that we should get some rest yes and talk tomorrow." said Rovino who was a bit shaken up. "Volaxone make sure that no one goes to the castle and bothers Magnerous." Rovino said "Yes sir." They left Dragoune and Saneira alone. Too tired and sore to do any thing Dragoune laid on his side, careful not to hurt his wings. Saneria put her back towards him and went as close as she could to him. Dragoune pet her on the side a little a licked her cheek beore intwining his tail with hers. Before falling asleep Dragoune felt his rage grew and he swore that he will tear the king to pieces. end I have not really a ending speech this time... well I did but I forgot it....*rols eyes "figures"*.... oh well. This time frostdragon I am not going to plea for mercy since I think this is good but I shall see when you review. comments complaints dos donts anything and everything
C'mon, you can write a more gripping scene than that! Don't just say Dragoune felt sorry and all that when he heard the news about Magnerous, expand! "The news hit Dragoune hard....three feelings clashed inside him all at once. He felt enraged that someone had lost their mate in combat, and at the same time he felt terribly sorry for the gryphon he'd been fighting alongside thus far. But his sympathy triggered another feeling that sent a sharp pain through his chest...a longing pain. How he wanted Saneira to be there with him..." Set it up kinda like that, you're still a bit too factual in your scene-structure.
and it's "graBBed", with "b"'s, not "graPPed" with "p"'s as you keep spelling it. I don't think grap is a word :P
Overall, I'd say this is one of your better chapters. Hence, no need for a mercy plea. I think I'll score this 3.7/5 because you're showing improvement and you actually got me lost in the reading for a bit, making me more of a reader than my usual editorial self.
I am not sure but I think I am at the last level and I started today. I have saved (I know it is not in the right order) Terrador Cyril Volteer, and I now know why you kept saying that Volteer runs his mout sort of speak. But that is not the point, what is that I just came at Cynder's lair to get Ingnitius and I want to know if it is the last level if not, I am more the happier see you around
yeah I was gonna get your examples and stuff from the previous critique...can't load the pages still. But, all I can say right now is do what you did here, just stop being so factual and short. Expand, describe, add emphasis, add EMOTION!!Include more facial expression or minor things like a twitching tail or wing, it gives a better mental image and adds more depth. When they're talking, they're still a bit too straightforward. Add hesitation, or indecision. Don't have them speak their mind all in one sentence, you can add some momentary suspense by making them start a thought but then drop off. I wish I could view your earlier chapters, I remember some instances where you could've added some suspense but instead they come right out and tell everything. To add more suspense to your story, you should try bringing up a subject with Saneira (for example) that she begins to explain, but keeps either getting distracted or shying away from explaining. Make us want to know but make her keep denying us the info. You could've had a really gripping revelation with Dragoune being the king's son if you hadn't revealed it so early on before he told Saneira, expanding on how the king was an asshole and how everyone hated him and his son with passion or something. Not saying it isn't good as is, but that's an example I remember offhand.
Hope this helps, looking forward to the next chapter
EDIT: on the expansion of your factuality...if it helps at all, this is how I write. may not work for you, but when I come up with something, I usually see it as like a movie in my head, and as I write I try to catch as much of the movie in words as possible---describing the actions, words, catching the pauses and such in speech, describing the scenery/setting. I try not to go Tolkien with the descriptiveness, but don't be afraid to describe; tell us more so we can get a better picture! If you can't write it all in one go, write it out as you've been doing, then go back through and expand. It may be hard to re-read something, but in the end, TRUST ME, it helps. Re-envision the scene as you read, and write down progressively smaller details. Re-reading also saved my ass in RoD, there were some pivotal things I almost forgot about had I not inadvertently memorized by re-reading the chapters. It gives you a better feel for your own story, allowing you to improve it. I personally LOATHE re-reading (heavy emphasis on LOATHE), but it helps.
wow...i get a bit too into writing :S I'll shut up now