Iv uploaded pics of my school (also the school in this story) Click here to see them
My life as a furry
(New students and accidents)
It's been 2 and half weeks since Ian started at his new school.
And a lot has happened since then. He made new friends he got a new roommate and was reunited with his old tormenter.
(On to the story)
___________________In Class_____________________
"Ok class today we have a new student." Said The teacher
Just then a cute(This is Ian's opinion) gabumon walked in and walked in front of the teacher getting ready to introduce him self.
"Hello everyone my name is Luan ( pronounced Lu-on )im 18 years old and im from Tokyo Japan." Said the gabumon
"Ok go sit in front of the gaomon. (Ian) Said The teacher
"Ok" Said Luan
With that said he gave a bow and walked to his desk and sits down and pulls out his book and starts reading.
____________5 Minutes Before the end of class___________
"Class we need a volunteer to show Luan around" asked The teacher
The class was silent. Ian was amazed that it could be this quiet. Ian also wondered why no one was volunteering.
So Ian put up his hand.
"Ill do it." Said Ian
"Ok Ian." Said The teacher
"Thank you for this. Ian was it?" stated Luan
"Yes it is" Said Ian
"So your from Tokyo Too huh?" Asked Ian
"Yea wait too?" Asked Luan
"My parents moved there from Italy because of there job." Said Ian
"So you moved there." Said Luan
"No I was born in Tokyo and lived there the first 4 years of my life." Said Ian
"May I ask where you moved to?" Asked Luan
"Miami Florida and you don't have to be so formal with me." Said Ian
"Sorry" Said Luan
"Its fine" Said Ian
Ian walk Luan around the school and talked and it turns out they have a lot in common.
"So which Floor is your dorm on?" Asked Ian
"Second floor room 136." Said Luan
"That cant be right." Said Ian
"Why not?" Asked Luan
"Because that's my friend Tammy's room and girls and guys can't stay in the same room." Said Ian
"Oh man this is my sisters Yumi's chart." Said Luan
"Your sis go's here too?" Asked Ian
"Yea" replied Luan
"She must have your chart" Said Ian
"She should be here there was only an hour delay on her flight" Said Luan
"Need help?" Asked Ian
"Would you?" Asked Luan
"Of course." Said Ian
So Luan and Ian went looking for Yumi all around the campus hoping to find her. But who Ian and Luan found was not who they were looking for.
"Hello faggot." Said Ray
"Run!" Screamed Ian
They started running away from Ray. After about five minutes of running they had finally lost him a crowed of students in the hallways.
"Who was that?" Asked Luan
"Ray he torments me for being gay." Said Ian
"Your gay? So am I." Said Luan
"Finally someone here beside me is gay." Said Ian
"Any ways lets find my sister." Said Luan
Luan and Ian looked for Yumi after an hour they gave up looking and headed to the dorms. There was a girl gabumon standing outside the door leaning against one of the support beams under the arch's.
"There you are Yumi." Said Luan
"I was waiting here for you." Said Yumi
"We were looking for you." Said Luan
"Didn't you get my text telling you to meet me here?"
Asked Yumi
"My battery died on my phone." Said Luan
"And who is this?" Asked Yumi
"This is Ian he has been showing me around." Said Luan
"Nice to meet you." Ian said as he bowed
"Like wise." Said Yumi
"Anyways we have each others charts." Said Luan
"Huh? So we do." Said Yumi
They exchanged charts and talked a bit. It was getting dark before the chatting seized. Then they said their goodbyes and walked to their dorms. Ian walked in his room and closed the door and locked it. When he turned around he found Ethan there waiting for him.
"Ahhhh!" Screamed Ian
"Sorry I didn't mean to startle you." Said Ethan
"Its fine." Said Ian
"So what's he like? " Asked Ethan
"He is very nice and well mannered." Replied Ian in a worried tone
"Then why do you sound so worried?" Asked Ethan
"He said he was gay." Said Ian
"Yea?" Said Ethan not getting it.
"What if Ray finds out?" Ian said
"We will worry about that when the time comes." Said Ethan
Ian was to tiered to argue so he crawled into his bed turned off his lamp beside his bed and fell asleep. But in his sleep Ian's worries continued.
_______________________Next Day___________________
(Breakfast Time)
Ian got up and did his same weekday routine which includes: [picking out clothes , taking a shower , getting dressed , brushing his teeth , grabbing his book bag , then Ian locked the door to his room.]
Ian walked to the lunch room building. He waited in the line for his breakfast. When done Ian walked to the table that all his friends were at and sat down. Not long after Luan and Yumi stopped in front of their table.
"Is it ok if we sit here since we don't know anyone else here?" Asked Luan
"Sure" Said Ian
"Thanks" Yumi And Luan Said
So Luan stat down next to Ian and Yumi sat down next to Tammy and they started eating.
"Guys this is Luan." Said Ian
"And this is Yumi." Said Tammy
"Sup im Tony." Said Tony
"Yo im Ethan." Said Ethan
"Hello im Max." Said Max
"Hi there im Casy." Said Casy
"Nice to meet you all." Said Luan and Yumi
"So what's there to do here?" Asked Luan
"Well there the Xbox in the rec room" said Tony
"Anyone want to play a game after breakfast?" Asked Luan
"I cant I have basketball practice sorry." Said Max
"I cant ether im tutoring Tony in math." Said Casy
"Ill play." Said Ian putting on a friendly smile.
"So will I." Said Ethan
"Thanks" Said Luan
________________________After Breakfast_____________
Ian and Luan and Ethan played video games for about five hours having fun.
"I have to go." Said Luan
"See you at lunch?" Asked Ian
"Yea" Replied Luan
"Im going to visit Max wana come?" Asked Ethan
"Sure" Said Ian cheerfully
With that said they walked to the gym and sat down on the bleachers. They watch Max play basketball. He was working hard. Someone passed him the ball. But when he jumped to catch the ball he seemed to have been so surprised he forgot to get ready for the landing and twisted his ankle.
When Ian saw max hit the floor and not get up Ian ran up to Max and tried to help him up but that put him in more pain. Ian called for Ethan to help carry him to the infirmary. The school nurse (a ice devimon) looked him over.
(To be continued)
I don't even know what to say...
Okay I'm going to try my best, to hold back my true feelings for how you right and TRY to be honest, and unbiased as to how much I hated reading this.
First of all, I felt like I was reading a story by a second grader. If English is not your first language, get someone to proof read. Better yet, write in your original language. If English is your first language, burn your Diploma and start over.
The punctuation was bad. The dialog was stagnant, repetitive, and down right insulting. The spacing was excessive, you ended making a 750 word story look like it was much, much longer in the browser because of the spacing.
When writing dialog, there are numerous ways to represent it.
Says Ian
Says Luan
Says Ian
Says Luan
And so-on was just ridiculous. If you are unsure how to write dialog, pick up a book and see how they write it. Don't go off of SoFurry stories cause I can't think of any good examples, nor would I base my writing style on a bunch of perverted furries.
You introduced a number of characters, such as Max, Casey, Ray and Ethan. YOU NEVER MENTIONED WHAT SPECIES THEY WERE. To me, they are just floating entities, it's your job as the author to paint to image to the reader.
Putting things in parenthesis during a story is a big literary no-no!
For example:
"The school (a ice devimon) nurse looked him over."
A more proper sentence and a way to explain the scene would have been:
Ian and Ethan both looked at their friend Max, who was wincing in pain. The sprained ankle causing the "whatever species Max is" to gasp in pain with each step. Supporting Max under each shoulder to alleviate some of the pain, as they slowly made their way to the infirmary.
"We're almost there bud." Ian said with a small bit of trepidation in his voice.
Shaking his head in disbelief, "I just can't believe I did that."
Max whimpered lightly as the trio of friends made their way into the nurses office. Mrs. Whatshername lifted her head from a small stack of papers she was looking over. Instantly, an expression of concern painted her face as she stood.
"What happened?" The Ice Devimon inquired as she briskly walked over to the hobbling boys.
"I landed on my ankle wrong and I twisted it pretty bad." Groaned Max as Ian and Ethan helped him sit onto the padded medical chair.
Gingerly taking Max's shoe and sock off to inspect his foot. The Devimon always seemed to have a motherly aura about her. Her hands softly feeling around the tender area, looking for inflammation.
"Yeah it's starting to swell a little. Hang on a minute while I get you some ice."
There, virtually same exact scene described; but with a little effort, you can make the story sound so much better.
I'm not telling you to stop writing, just please. Put a little more time into your writing. You'll make it SO MUCH more enjoyable to readers.
I'm not saying you're wrong but I'm not saying you're right either. Yet there is a fine line between criticizing and drama. You crossed it, just a bit.
Also, it's not causing drama that I'm telling him he needs to apparently learn the basics of the English language before writing something in English.
Sorry that I tell it like it is. In the old Yiffstar days, this story would have never been accepted for the exact reason that it's like a second grader wrote it.
I'm not trolling, but I don't sugar coat either. And unlike most trolls, I gave pointers on improving his writing and gave honest tips to better his work. However, I'm not going to give praise or pat someone on the head just because I don't want to hurt their feelings. When I started drawing, yes the "hey this picture is awesome! I would totally take that cock!" but it was the "yeah, this picture sucks ass" took me off of my little high and made me realize that I had room to improve.
All too often I stumble upon furs who think they're the next best thing since sliced bread for this fandom, and no one puts them back in their place. We are furries reading fuck-stories, no one is going to be the next A.P. Herbert by posting here. But I can still tell someone they need improvement.
Do me a favor, don't hop on and dig up old comments for the sake of "telling me what for". Bell have even contacted me and thanked me for my insight and has asked me to read over other stories (though I kindly declined). Apparently, his feelings weren't hurt, in fact, he appreciated it. That response was to him; not you.
Merry Christmas =D