How to Seer, Part 15
"Gods and Monsters"
copyright comidacoida 2020

Few people truly understand what it's like being a Seer and, of the few who become Seers themselves most don't really comprehend what's happening to them.  Apparently a lot of us go crazy while others manage to bungle through life constantly afraid for themselves.  I was given The Gift early in life and had it dumped into the already overflowing pot of puberty so I powered through it the same as everything else but for others, those who live somewhere between the world everyone else knows and the realm of spirits, it can be quite the tightrope to walk.

Seers live in the land of gods and monsters-- we deal with legends and myths from across the world on a daily basis and, if we're not careful, we can have them change our lives forever.  Mine certainly was but, fortunately, it changed for the better.  It is difficult to imagine my life without The Gift-- living day to day without Spirits.  They are a unique company; Humans are my own kind but even though I'm not a Spirit myself I share just as much kinship to them.  I walk in the land of gods and monsters but I am not one; I'm something in-between, like (pardon the religious metaphor), an angel.

It's a messy metaphor to be sure-- neither a god nor a monster, but also not exactly a human.  Spirits have said that they see me like a fiery beacon; I'm a source of Spirit Energy that isn't at all common in the modern world and it attracts all sorts of Spirits-- some of them are threats.  If mankind emerged from the Garden of Eden then the dangers that exist for a Seer in our world means that I'm living in The Garden of Evil and, as with the double-bladed sword nature of The Gift, I have amazing companions to protect me from those threats.  Still, it took years for me to gain the understanding necessary to be anywhere close to comfortable.

During that time I was screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed just to survive, but also trying my damnedest to try to pass for normal.  It didn't always work, which was why I spent so much time going to psychologist and psychiatrist offices.  It was why, when I graduated, I decided that I needed a fresh start and moved to Cherry City.  It was why, at the end of the day, I had come to value my Spirit companions since it was they who helped keep me so grounded.  Between Mishupishu, Kon, and Talapus, I was able to learn more about Spirits and eventually be at peace with my place in the world. 

Raven, though, out of all of my companions, was an oddity. I had known him as Kyle before I got The Gift.  Despite my reservations and discomfort when it came to sorting out my feeling about a Spirit who had been inhabiting the body of a friend for several years, he helped me blend realities together-- even if it took some time.  In fact, I don't think I really managed it until after my night with Mishupishu and my night with Kon and Talapus.  Raven and I had a date night following that, and it was during THAT date in which I was finally willing and able to sit down with him and ask the questions I'd only ever tip-toed around.  It was reaffirming.

The old world deli downtown had become something of a preference for Raven ever since he'd come clean about a lot of things.  After his confession, when I didn't reject him he seemed content with that and before returning home we'd shared a hug.  I'd enjoyed it; he cried but I didn't mind.  It had been months back and the deli was a regular haunt for us so I thought nothing of it when we went there.  The staff knew me well enough that they started working on my order as I went to the second story of the lobby to my usual table; it was far enough from everyone else that I could talk quietly with Raven without anyone else paying any attention.

He took a seat and I sat down across from him as his feathers puffed up and he let out a content sigh.  Raven rubbed at his chest and the dark gray 'X Ambassadors' shirt he had on; out of all of my Spirits, he and Link were the most likely to wear casual t-shirts like that, although on one occasion I do recall seeing Talapus wearing a "Shit Happens" one.  I spent some time musing over that as Raven carefully arranged some sugar packets on the table in front of him; they were spiritual representations since the actual condiment packets didn't actually go anywhere but I could tell he was distracted.  He was usually focused almost exclusively on me when we were on our dates so that spurred me into asking "Is everything alright?"

Despite having a beak, Raven was still incredibly expressive and I could tell he was offering a sheepish grin. "Well... uh... everything is fine-- good, I mean.  I like it when we can have time together without the others."

I could read between the lines. "But?"

His feathers ruffled and he smoothed the ones atop his head back with a pass of his wing.  "Did you know that Talapus had an ongoing bet with me that he'd get to have sex with you first?"

It would have surprised me if the Coyote hadn't told me himself that he'd won.  "Yes.  I did know.  Found out yesterday actually."

Raven looked a little soured by that. "Well... it was a bet he had with me but I didn't have it with him.  That's not something I'd want to bet."

I'm still not sure why but I couldn't pass up the chance to haze him a little. "Why?  You didn't think you'd stand a chance."

He leveled a critical gaze at me, somewhere between hurt and understanding my point.  His comment was matter of fact. "You're not a game to me, Billy.  I'm not trying to win a challenge with you as the prize."

It was a 180 from the standard casual discussions and levity he usually presented and it gave me pause just long enough to realize that my food was on its way up with a server.  I thanked him and maneuvered the provided plates so the kettle chips were in front of Raven and I focused on my sandwich.  Neither of us ate and there was silence for several seconds until I broke it. "Even if you didn't make that bet are you disappointed you didn't beat him to it?"

He let out a half-hearted 'ha', and finally picked up one of his chips, inspecting it closely as he spoke. "No... and yes.  No, because I didn't want to force myself on you-- if you don't want me like that then I am still grateful that I get to be your friend.  Yes, because I'd hoped that... maybe, you might--"

Raven paused at that, tossing the snack into his beak and slowly crunching on it, working it with dedication as if trying to find something to do other than talk.  I gave him a few seconds before encouraging him onward. "Might what?"

My companion's feathers puffed up as he rubbed the back of his head with a wing. "You know, it was easier to release humanity from a cockle shell and steal them fire than it is to put all of my words into thoughts just now."

Raven and Talapus were often at odds when it came to mythological stories involving them but neither usually discussed them when the other wasn't around so his statement caught me by surprise.  He was obviously having difficulty so I forestalled any further awkwardness by breaking the cycle. "I like you... a lot.  You don't have to worry about that."

My declaration brought about a degree of calm-- enough that he was able to finish his sentence. "I like you for you.  I love you.  I've already said it and I'll say it again.  I'm your guardian spirit, Billy.  You are the most important thing in this world to me and I value you-- I value you SO MUCH... but..."

He clenched his primary feathers as if they were fingers made into a fist.  His wing shook as he did so and I saw moistness to his eyes.  Reaching out, I placed my hand on his wing. "I value you too, Raven."

He flinched, turning away from me when I declared how I felt.  Taking in a deep breath, Raven spoke, not maintaining eye contact as he inquired "You'll always think of me as Kyle, won't you?  And that's a problem..."

I always wanted to be honest with my Spirits. "It's how I first know you."

Things were silent after that.  I slowly ate my sandwich and he picked at his chips.  There was Spirit Energy in the food I provided him; he'd eat that and I would leave them untouched as a sacrifice to my companion.  It was an easy and relatively inexpensive way to provide him Spirit Energy, which means that it wasn't all that impressive an infusion but he didn't complain.  In fact, as I was finishing off my pickle spear, I realized that Raven never really objected to anything.  In that moment I began to wonder if I was a horrible friend.

Having grown up in a household where my parents mourned my lost sister and constantly worried about my mental wellbeing I often second-guessed everything about myself.  I suppose it could be called a lack of self confidence but, to me, it was more the act of analyzing (and over-analyzing) my every action; when you live with Spirits that becomes an important trait.  As I sat back in my chair I continued watching Raven, thinking about everything he'd said as well as everything he hadn't.  I also reviewed my actions, words, and, most of all, intentions.

I loved him, and I knew I did.  I'd told him that-- I was sure of it.  Glancing across the table I saw that Raven had his head down, wings folded around his body; he was hurting.  The words came unbidden, before I could even stop to consider why I was saying them.  "I DO love you, you know."

Raven looked up at me, his eyes glimmering ever-so-faintly. "Are you saying--"

It wasn't hard to know that he was about to question my motives; he knew I was empathetic and didn't like people around me to be unhappy or in distress.  Had I said it to him because I wanted him to be happy?  Did I really mean it?  Just what WAS I saying?  Despite all of the questions he could have asked, I answered in a way that would put my own doubts to rest. "You know that Kyle loved me, and I'm sure you also know that Kyle was one of my best friends.  I'd known him for a long time, and I've known YOU for most of my life, even if you were Skinriding him during that time.  YOU came with me to Cherry City.  YOU stayed by my side.  YOU told me that I was the most important thing in your life and YOU are my Guardian Spirit-- all of those things are YOU, Raven... not Kyle."

He nodded, murmuring softly. "Yeah... that was all me."

Once I had said the words I didn't have to think hard about just why it was I had said those three words; I meant them.  Perhaps I hadn't thought about it enough or perhaps I'd thought about it too much that I was caught in a loop of indecision, but, in that moment, I reviewed my feelings and not just my words, but my actions.  I could prove how much he meant to me.  "Do you know that I read three books about legends involving you?"

Saying such a thing to a fellow Human could have been taken in any number of ways but telling a Spirit that they are often on your mind and that you've spent time getting to know them is a powerful declaration.  He sat up a little straighter. "You have?"

I nodded, leaning forward. "Yeah.  At first it was just to be able to make sense of all of the stories you've been telling Talapus during your spats, but I know a bunch of stories you HAVEN'T told yet.  I know that you're considered a champion of the downtrodden and, despite the fact that you call yourself a trickster you're just as often a benefactor or a protector, like you are with me."  I reached out and took hold of the end of his wing as if I were grabbing his fingers.  "I know that the Native American Tribes in this area called you Mitchkuni'ku."

He looked at me again, the faintest hint of humor in his glimmering golden gaze as he corrected me. "Mitkuni'ku."

It was as if his entire demeanor had changed in that moment, and it made me happy.  I'd revealed a truth to him that I'd only just realized myself and it was meaningful.  So were my next words. "I don't want to keep calling you Raven."

The feathers on his body stood on end. "You don't?"

I shook my head. "No.  It's about time that I called you by a proper name."

He nodded. "You can call me Kyle if you're okay with it-- I don't mind, and it--"

Thinking back to my mis-remembering of his name, I couldn't resist.  It had been a mistake but, according to the myths about Raven, many of his mistakes often turned out to be successes.  I kept that theme.  "Alright... then your name is Mitch Kuniku.  I'll call you Mitch."

I couldn't remember the last time I heard Mitch laugh so loud he was cawing.  It was all the proof I needed to know that he approved, and that we were finally getting out of the rut we'd been stuck in for so long.  His eyes blazed with powerful golden light and, for once, I didn't second-guess myself.