Warlocks, Warfare and Wargs

It wasn't every day that you saw Kaos Army trucks driving across your bridge into town but this year had already been far from normal; wargs had been prowling the borders for a while now and livestock had suddenly vanished in the chill spring nights, there had been tavern talk of goblins armed to the teeth causing trouble out on the distant dirt pathways and sightings of them camping out in the hills where the old copper mine lay in ruins. It had all been very puzzling for a quiet sleepy human town with scarce resources that they'd rather not lose to a bunch of dirty greenskins and there were certainly no strategical advantages to be found here for an advancing army to make use of. The town guard were ill-equipped to deal with anything more than a rowdy brawl in the local inn so when a local field worker was mauled by a giant wolf on his way home from his regular patrol of the pastures right outside the town walls mayor Quinney took the rather drastic action of calling in the mysterious military organisation.

Sarah gathered the preschool children outside to watch the excitement unfold. Due to the large crowd in the town square it wasn't very easy to see much but she could spot smartly uniformed soldiers climbing out of lorry cabs and lining up by the fountain. Little Timmy was jumping and pointing that he could see a jeep but Sarah couldn't see it herself. None of the lined up soldiers were human; the Kaos Army was comprised solely of exotic races – orcs, goblins, elves, skaven in fact it was quite a job to explain to the young kids that these were, in fact the 'good guys'. Even Sarah herself wasn't fully convinced! Well, you got help where you could when you were just a little unimportant town in the middle of nowhere with little money to spend and danger at your door. The soldiers stamped their boots and saluted as an unseen figure made their way past the fountain and towards the gathered council.

This would be Sarah's last day at the children's nursery for quite a while. All those who needed to were being escorted to safe housing at the Kaos Army's refugee camp to stay until the town was declared safe again and goodness knows how long that would be. If the wargs and their goblin riders were determined to put up a fight and raze the place to the ground then it could be months. Sarah had been stubborn and had insisted on staying, she didn't want to be taken heaven knows where and surrounded by weird looking creatures thanks very much. She was going to stay tucked up at home with the cat and her books. Well her books, anyway. The cat did what it pleased most of the time. Supplies had been delivered to the residents that were staying and as mayor Quinney had said in his big speech just the day before, the town walls had stood for the last three hundred years so there was really nothing to worry about. It was going to be a bit strange going from a population of two hundred to about thirty though. A bit strange to have all that time on her hands too. A strange year, overall.

Other towns nearby hadn't been so lucky in recent weeks and were now evacuated and overrun by the tiny terrors so the fate of Redditch now lay in the many-coloured hands of this unusual assortment of creatures and animals. Some residents had objected and insisted that the presence of the Kaos Army was overkill (and expensive!) but it had been reluctantly agreed that it was better to have them and not need them than for the opposite to prove true. They did have a range of fantastic weaponry and vehicles at their disposal after all.

Soldiers were on the move again and the big trucks rumbled back to life, heading out the southern gateway and down into the meadow where they would set up temporary camp. The children chattered noisily as Sarah and the other staff brought them inside to collect their belongings and still-wet paintings to take with them on their adventure far beyond the county borders. All the families with children under twelve had been explicitly told by mayor Quinney that they would be going to the emergency accomodation wether they liked it or not and the kids were beside themselves at the thought of getting to ride in a massive motorised vehicle. They hadn't shut up about it all morning in fact, treating it as a jolly holiday in that innocent way that oblivious young humans do. They filed out of the door bundled up in their coats with their arms laden with assorted crafts and masterpieces to the waiting parents who certainly didn't look as cheerful about all this as they did and Sarah waved, grabbing the padlock to close off the gate. Nodding to her co-workers she made her way home alone to unpack the food crates that were stacked in her little kitchen. The army had offered to feed them but... could you really trust orcs to put a meal together? Or skaven? What did they even eat? Weird stuff probably. A truck rumbled past her kitchen window and a little trepidation set in; it wasn't too late to bundle Spud into his cat carrier and pack a bag, she still had a chance to get out if she wanted to. It should all be safe with armed soldiers around though, right? Mind you where the cat even was right now was anyone's guess. He really was a law unto himself. She sighed, eyeing meagre rations, hoping she wouldn't have to resort to nibbling on baked bat wings or some such monstrosities from the field canteen.

Later that afternoon, Sarah made her way back to the town square where the transporters had loaded up and joined in waving off the departing townsfolk as they hung onto the moving vehicles for dear life, packed in like exceptionally surprised sardines. It was a very different experience to a horse and cart! The northern town gate closed behind them with a mighty clang. The first time it had shut since the pox of 1662 in fact. It took two men to push the aged iron bolt across. The remaining civilians raised eyebrows at one another and exhaled noisily, there was nothing to do now but cross fingers and head to the tavern where the council had set up a brief meeting and safe gathering space should they need it.

Inside, the barkeeper was having a heated discussion with one of the elders, “some of 'ems rats!" he was declaring; “you can't have rats in here, Tom! It's not decent. Not sanitary. I put traps out for the little buggers but I'm meant to pull pints for the big talking ones? Come off it!" he shook his head and mopped at the counter.

“The general has assured me that all drinks will be paid for. He's even happy to put a hefty sum up front. It's going to be a lot of drinks if my experiences with soldiers are anything to go by and you'll make a tidy sum, much tidier than if you refuse to serve them. How much are you going to make in the next few weeks with just us sad lot? And think of the waste..."

The barkeeper shot him a look; he hadn't thought about that. Letting perfectly good beer go to spoil was a crime against humanity. He gave a rumbling growl that indicated he could be persuaded if Tom pushed further but had one more objection to air first, “what about the orcs though? They'll frighten my regulars. Big green ugly brutes, not a braincell to spare between them, and they don't wash and they'll bring their weapons in and start putting holes in the walls, spitting everywhere and clogging up the loo-"

“Yes, ok," Tom interrupted before anything unsavoury was mentioned, “I understand it's very challenging when there's not one regular human among them but the orcs in the Kaos Army do seem to be a little... more civilised than the ones we hear about in stories. A different breed I suppose. How about if we come to a compromise? They can drink in the outside seating area? They don't have to put a dirty boot inside the establishment. You'll still get your usual customers."

This was greeted with enthusiastic nodding. It would be daft to pass up that kind of profit. If events did go to hell in a handcart then a few bags of cash would certainly help with the stress of relocation. “Alright, I suppose it's a deal," he said, pouring Sarah a large glass of wine.

Tom clapped him on the shoulder happily and said he would pass on the good news, trotting out while assuring he would return for the briefing shortly.

Sarah sat in her favourite candlelit corner and found her page in the book of the week. It was rather strange doing this on a monday evening when she'd usually be at home preparing dinner and getting ready for an early night. Wine was a weekend treat, making this the longest weekend she'd had in a while. She could live with that. She looked around the room; all her friends had left in the wagons and the remaining townsfolk were ones she had no dealings with. They weren't parents. They were all older men who wanted nothing to do with the funny folk running round in green tops and pants, they just wanted to stay home and drink thanks very much. Bunch of goblins weren't going to stop that. She paid no attention to their conversation and began reading. It was nice to do it here rather than at home, alone. She did almost everything alone. Always had.

After what seemed like five minutes but probably wasn't, Tom returned and pulled her from the adventures within. She'd finished her drink and rather fancied another, especially if there was going to be lots of boring chatter in this meeting. As the tavern door had opened she could see the Kaos Army soldiers who had settled at the tables outside laughing and joking about. The barmaid was nodding and trying to scribble down their order. It was a long one. Sarah had never actually laid eyes on a real orc before. She'd seen pictures, sure, heard tall stories and dodgy descriptions of them from travelling strangers looking for attention and money for their woes but that was about it. The door closed again and she blinked. They didn't look that scary in all truthfulness. Don't know what all the fuss is about, she thought, they were just big green humanoids with squashed noses and funny jutting teeth at their bottom jaws. Still wouldn't want to get too close to one, though. Just in case.

A second glass of wine was procured and the meeting began, well it was called a meeting but really the council elders tried to talk and the patrons interrupted with stupid questions until they lost their thread and their tempers. Bottom line was – everyone was to stay at home as much as possible, the tavern was open as usual if they needed company and a drink, don't disturb the soldiers, don't talk to the soldiers, dont try and start fights with the soldiers. If an emergency occurred a siren would sound and everyone was to gather immediately in the tavern basement, yes there would be a toilet down there if anyone needed it, no you didn't stop to gather your priceless collection of thimbles, Derek. If everyone followed instructions and remained calm then this would all be over very quickly and there would be no more goblins or wargs to worry about.

“Seems to me," a voice piped up, “seems to me, that it's funny how the Kaos Army turn up from nowhere with funny green men in their ranks and just as suddenly we have trouble with funny green men at our borders. I reckon it's a racket. They're going to charge an absolute fortune for their services and I bet not a single one of the troublesome toothy buggers ends up dead." There was a murmur of agreement in the building.

Tom waved his hands for calm, “I won't go over this again, fellas, goblins and orcs have been in the far lands for time imemorial, we just don't see them, but they do exist and the Kaos Army lads are quite different-"

“Quite different? Pull the other one! We're being hoodwinked, conned. What if the little buggers we had run-ins with were paid actors, huh? No one's thought of that, have they?"

Tom could see he was losing the crowd and the other elders shook their heads telling him to cut his losses.

Quinney stood up with a creak of his chair and the room was silent again. “As your elected mayor, I have your best interests at heart and I say that we give the army a chance to rid us of these wargs and their riders. I've spoken to general Warlock personally and he has promised me – promised, that this is a 'no win no fee' contract. If the town gets overrun or burned down then we don't pay a single penny. Not one. I've dealt with a lot of conmen in my time believe me and he seems trustworthy enough. If he wasn't, I'd have turned down his generous and timely offer of help and gone elsewhere for aid."

Eyes looked at each other, all thinking the same thing; 'like who?'

The barkeeper rubbed his chin, “wait. His offer? I thought you'd gone to him."

Silence. Awkward, dragging, heavy silence.

“Well that's even more suspicious!" Derek the thimble hoarder roared.

Sarah drained her glass, this was more fun than she'd expected.

Mayor Quinney tried to calm them all now as Tom looked on almost happy that it wasn't him in the hot seat this time, nosirree. “Yes, okay, he came to me and said that he knew all about the troubles we were having,"

“Yeah, cause he's in on it! By crikey we've been led up the garden path haven't we? A foreign army in our town, the town guardsmen all carted off with their families. We're helpless! Sitting ducks!"

“They're not getting my thimbles!" All eyes were on Derek, “what? Priceless they are, I'm telling you."

“Anyway," mayor Quinney huffed with great patience, “as we all know, though we don't say it aloud, we don't have anything of any value here, do we? It's a lot of effort for a huge military organisation to come here and run a sophisticated operation involving newfangled things like trucks and guns and power generators and whathaveyou and get sod all in return. Seriously, he's asked for one item of his choice as payment. That's it."

“Oh."

“Oh well, I mean."

“Yeah, er.

“Right."

The sentiments were all the same. One thing? Just one? Can't be a scam for just one thing, can it? What an odd price tag. Could he want the copper mine? There was no copper left. Or at least that was what they thought. Maybe this general fella knew otherwise? The conversation was at a more tolerable noise level now and the barkeeper led everyone down into the cellar to show them the emergency room with the fancy new electric lighting and heaters hooked up to a power source outside. It was rather cosy, much better than using oil lamps, and there were a bunch of fresh blankets in a pile in the corner. A curious box sat on a table next to a notepad and pen. It hissed occasionally. Sarah stepped back, not expecting that sort of sound and banged her shoulder on the old shelving. Ouch. She rubbed the sore spot, crossly, that's a new bruise right there, she thought.

As she exited up the wooden ladder and through the floor hatch she could see the barmaid carrying more drinks out and followed her nosily. Those guys were really keeping her busy! Tom hadn't kidded that they were good for business. A rgame of dice was going on as she carefully stepped past the gathered crowd. There were more than orcs at the tables; there were elves too though they were sitting quietly away from the rowdy greenskins sipping daintily at wine and chatting amongst themselves. One noticed her and smiled. Sarah had never seen a real elf before, neither. Apparently there were different kinds. What the difference was, she had no clue. Some were dark? Some were high? Ah, whatever. As she walked the dim path to her house she spotted huge uniformed rats atop the city walls. These must be the ones the barkeeper was so unhappy about, she realised. He kind of had a point.

Sarah was almost at her doorstep when she suddenly noticed she hadn't got her book. Oh, she was always leaving things behind! It could wait for tomorrow, she'd be back there after all, not much else to do with the town in lockdown...

“Hello?" a voice made her spin round, “you left this. The fella in the pub came out to find you and when he couldn't see you I said I'd come give it you back." A very obviously female orc was standing, grinning, holding her misplaced item in lovely manicured green hands.

“Oh," Sarah's surprise was obvious, “thank you."

“No problem at all. Is it a good book? I don't read much myself, well that's not quite true I do like reading the occasional magazine, you know?" she shrugged.

“Right. Yes. It's a good book-"

“Even then I only read the ones with gun reviews and things you know? I don't follow the celebrity stuff. I don't have a problem with celebrities mind you, I mean we can't all like the same things can we?"

“No. Sure. Good," Sarah nodded waiting for the she orc to take a breath. “I didn't know the Kaos Army took... girls?"

“Kaos Army takes anyone," she declared proudly.

“Really? Well that's good I suppose," Sarah took her book back but it was clear the conversation wasn't over yet.

“They even took my cousin and he has two left feet." She paused, “no really, he does, it's quite freaky really although if it's freaky you want then oh boy -"

“Thank you for bringing my book back," Sarah interrupted loudly, trying to turn for the safety of her doorway. Orcs, she decided, were a lot like nursery children.

“My name's Razitshakra by the way," she carried on determinedly, “private Razitshakra. Well I say private but I'm not really I'm in charge of coffee and sandwiches in the refreshments tent at the moment because I accidentally shot at the wrong thing one time but I didn't mean to, well it's a long story - ok it's not a long story but it is embarrassing. Back at headquarters I work on reception. I'm really good at talking to people."

Deep breath, “you don't say? So, anyway it was nice to meet you Razit... er..."

“Call me Raz."

“Raz? Right. Yes. Goodnight," Sarah reached for the doorhandle and yanked it, desperately.

“Oh sure, goodnight sleep tight, don't let the beholder bite!"

“The...? Never mind. Bye!" Crazy girl. Probably the only female orc with no one to talk to, poor thing. And boy can she talk.

Welcoming the empty silence of her kitchen, Sarah headed to bed.

She was woken far too early by a heavy knock that sounded like a sledgehammer. That had to be a soldier, she groaned to herself. What did they want? Opening the door a crack and blearily rubbing her eyes without her glasses on a green blob shifted about and spoke in an unreasonable loud voice, “general Warlock wishes to speak with you, ma'am!"

“Who's a what now?" she asked.

The green blob fidgeted, “general Warlock, ma'am. Senior ranking officer of the Kaos Army, ma'am?"

“Good for him. What's he want me for?"

“To... to speak with you, ma'am?" the voice wasn't sounding so confident now.

Yes. I got that bit, she thought testily. Christ. “That' nice," she muttered coldly, “have a good day now." She closed the door. It all but exploded from more urgent knocking. “Mind my bloody door!" she shouted, opening it again.

“I'm sorry ma'am-"

“I'll ma'am you in a bloody minute!"

“-but if I don't bring you back they'll use me as target practice. Again," he added bitterly.

“I am not ready to go anywhere for anyone," Sarah snapped, “if general Doodah wants me he can flipping wait ten minutes, got it?"

“I can wait," the green blob replied in a normal volume, sounding relieved.

Upon getting dressed and putting her glasses on, the green blob turned into an orc sergeant by the name of Barz who gestured to a jeep parked outside her house. So little Timmy had been right about that after all. It drove as it looked; an old battered tin can barely holding together on a wing and a prayer. Strange cylinders were rolling about with Monster Energy in too-bright text written on them. Very curious. Sarah gathered up the annoying oddities and threw them towards the back seat to join the the rest of the clutter heaped there. Soldiers were meant to be tidy, weren't they? Some missed and flew out of the moving vehicle completely as Barz managed to hit every hole in the road available on the route to the meadow.

When they arrived to the make shift army camp they were abruptly halted by three very snooty yet stunningly beautiful looking elves in crisp well-ironed short-sleeved tan shirts who had watched them roll in with a very disapproving glare.

“So you did take the general's jeep without permission," said one, leaning on the driver side door.

“He's not happy. Not happy at all, Barz," said another.

The third said nothing, simply making a cut-throat gesture.

Her driver was visibly alarmed; “come on now lads, he asked for the civilian and I fetched her. Wasn't going to walk, was I? He'll understand. Where is he, anyway?"

“Scouts came back from their reccy," said one.

“He's gone to speak to mayor Quinney regarding their report. On foot I might add, due to his jeep going missing," said another.

The third again said nothing. He jabbed his thumb downwards and frowned.

Someone was in trouble.

“Awww sh-" Barz caught his passenger out the corner of his yellow eye, “-nitzel," he gulped.

“So let me get this straight. I've been dragged out of bed and carted around in this dilapidated rust bucket," she flicked a chip of paint off to prove her point, “and the idiot who wanted me here has decided to bugger off?"

The three elves' looked a little taken aback at her outburst. Before they could say another word however a familiar voice called out.

“Hello!"

Upon seeing the she-orc the three dreamy yet snooty elves made a hasty retreat to the table by the meadow entrance gate back to their paperwork and Barz hopped out of the driver's seat and trotted off into camp to probably go hide for a bit.

“Oh lord help me," Sarah sighed. “Hello Razitwotsit."

“It's Raz!"

“Yes. Hello."

The she-orc beamed widely, bouncing on her boot heels. “I'm so glad you decided to come."

“Decided?" Sarah repeated, a dangerous edge to her voice.

“I asked the general ever so nicely if he would let you come help me out in the coffee tent. He promised to ask you if only I would just shut up and go away for five minutes."

I can believe that, she thought. “Well he hasn't asked me, he's done a disappearing act. I've really been brought here to help you make hot drinks?" It was a ridiculous notion.

Raz grabbed her hand and took her past the line of neatly arranged green tents until they reached a huge white one. “Yes!"

Sarah stopped dead. “I work with nursery children, I'm not a coffee girl. And I'm certainly not a Kaos Army employee! Of course I'm not going to hang around and make sandwiches, I'm very busy! I've got... books to read and tins of corned beef to consume. A cat to feed. When he remembers where he actually lives."

“But the general said-"

“Said what? He hasn't said a dicky-bird to me, even though it was so important I speak to him that my front door was almost obliterated!" Sarah sulked.

“He's busy," Raz mumbled wretchedly.

“Oh he's something alright." She watched the big smile fade from the she-orc's pretty green face and her eyes were looking misty. For all Sarah's sulks she was just a big softie really and Raz hadn't actually done anything wrong... “I don't suppose general Thingy was going to pay me for my time, was he?"

“Yes of course! He'll pay you. No sweat, no problem at all," she nodded, her bright blonde ponytail wagging.

It would be sort of nice to have a bit of company and something to do. “Alright well I tell you what; I'll give you a hand today and see how it goes. But no promises! I guess it can't hurt to keep myself busy." I must be mental, she thought.

Raz pulled her behind a row of plastic tables covered in trays containing packets of this, that and the other and huge bottles of milk. “Brilliant! It's going to be so nice to have another girl to chat to, we're going to be such good friends I just know it and we can go for drinks together later at the tavern and I can show you how to play Death Dice-"

Sarah wasn't so sure about the sound of that.

“-and we can check out all the good looking hunks-"

Sarah doubted that one, too.

“-I can paint your nails for you if you like. I've got every colour you could want; I got red I got pink I got-"

“Sounds great," Sarah said patiently in case Raz was actually going to just list every colour that ever existed. Which was almost certain. Actually, she could roll with nail painting, Raz did have fabulously manicured claws. “You do have a nice colour on now, actually," she smiled, trying to find a positive in a whole heap of nope, “and lovely blonde hair. Is that normal for an orc or...?"

Raz flicked her ponytail proudly, “no, I'm part elf I am. That's why I'm so popular with the boys see, I got nice hair and pretty green eyes."

“Right, yeah," Sarah coughed, understanding exactly why Raz was a man magnet as she leant down to pour drinks and a dozen eyes eyed up her rack. Not so much a bra as a hammock, she thought. “So," she said, changing the subject, “give me the rundown of what I'm doing here."

After a whirlwind tour of the refreshments area, interspersed with coffee pouring and copious flirting Raz handed Sarah a tray of beverages and sent her down the meadow trail to deliver them to the important higher ranked soldiers who were stationed out in the field.

It's would just be for today, she told herself, she was only doing this for poor Raz's sake. The girl was hyper as hell, obsessed with men, unable to keep her mouth closed for more than a minute and obviously quite lonely. A louder more annoying version of me, she thought. The day grew warmer as she walked to the first outpost where one of the big rats was listening intently to a speaker attatched to a big metal pole in the ground. She'd never seen a real skaven. They were meant to be greasy and dirty with beady red eyes and long thin claws that liked to scratch and spread plague. This one had a pair of spectacles on the end of his pointed whiskery nose and a floppy cap between large round ears. He was scribbling something down in a journal and held a finger up as she approached. She paused. He eventually turned to her and apologised, taking his drink, “sorry about that. Nice to meet you, my name's Bahl, and you are?"

“Sarah," she blinked, not expecting a rat to be so polite, “I'm helping Raz in the coffee tent. Just for today," she added quickly.

“That's nice. Always good to have civilians mucking in. Though I'm surprised you're out here on your own what with wargs wandering around..." he trailed off, keen eyes scanning the hills where the old mine entrance sat boarded up.

“Errr," he had a point. “what's this?" Sarah asked, gesturing at the pole.

The skaven's whiskers twitched, “it's a listening device. There's tunnels all around us deep underground from the mine. Full of goblins. I'm writing down everything I can hear," he shook his notebook. “My rodent ears are exceptionally good at picking up faint sounds, you see. Almost as finely tuned as the general's." He took a sip and turned back to the speaker.

Sarah moved on, a little more wary now that she'd been reminded of the giant wolves that were wandering around. She hadn't seen one herself but she'd heard them howl at night time and that was enough thank you very much. Good job it was daylight hours. Where was that rotten jeep when you needed it? She hadnt expected the Kaos Army with their reputation as being marvellously futuristic to have such janky equipment. The trucks had been very shiny and smart. Before the mysterious military organisation had suddenly appeared on the planet there had been no motorised vehicles, or electricity, or guns. And, some would say, no exotic races neither. Though how true that was...?

Her musings carried her to the edge of the wood where a large pile of orcs lay dead on the grass. She froze and took a sharp intake of breath, startled.

“They're just kipping, don't you worry," a large important-looking orc stepped into view and explained, reaching for his drink.

Sarah turned her head back and forth, bemused. Where had he come from?

“Camouflage," he grinned, “we're good at that. Specially as we green to start with. Are you our new coffee girl?"

She tried to say 'no', but he carried on regardless.

“You got a pair on you wandering around out here with goblins on the loose, I'll say that. I'm Captain Drukk by the way. This lot-" he jabbed a thumb at the snoozing soldiers, “have been out all night trying to track the little blighters down. Easier said than done." He took a big swig.

“Everyone is making out there's loads of them," Sarah said, “but I haven't seen one."

Drukk raised a thick eyebrow, “yeah, well, you didn't see me and I was right in front of you. Human perception isn't the best now is it?"

She blushed. That told her!

Her last stop was at the sheep barn where an elf was sat on a hay bale singing gently to himself. Sarah yawned, widely. He stopped and she blinked, wondering why she had suddenly felt so tired.

He began talking to her and she immediately felt sleepy. His name was Clearwater, he was a corporal and he was out here looking after the livestock that had all been implanted with a tracker. The sheep were put out in the field at night as bait so if any were taken they could find the goblin camps.

“I thought the goblins were in the mine?" Sarah managed to ask, stifling more yawns. This guy had an amazing voice, he would be worth his weight in gold back at the nursery, one story and they'd all conk out for their afternoon naps with no fuss whatsoever.

“Well we'll soon find out for sure, won't we?" he said as she left before she actually drifted off.

When she got back to the large white tent she was rather thirsty herself and went to make a cup of tea.

“There you are! The general was looking for you. Again. When you've got your drink can you make some rolls up for me please, mate? I've made a list, it's inside on the counter.

“Rolls? Sure. Wait, you don't eat... weird stuff?"

Raz gave her a funny look, “weird stuff? What you on about? We eat same as you do. We're not animals. Well alright some of us are. Like the general. But you know what I mean," she took a breath, “anyway I'm off for a pit stop so listen, if private Snotling swings by tell him his rifle got picked up and if he loses it again then he's getting fed to the raptors." She gave Sarah a nod.

Sarah nodded back. Snotling. Rifle. Raptors. Raptors?! Raz flounced off, leaving her alone again. So much for keeping her company. Well she could do it all by herself tomorrow. Sarah would get that lie-in she wanted come hell or high water.

As she worked her way down the lunch list and drank her much needed cup of tea, she was suddenly aware she was not alone in the tent.

“Mine's a ham salad roll."

Now Raz had been very clear; no soldiers were allowed near the ingredients, “Out!" she commanded, not even turning round.

“But-"

“No buts! Out! Now!" she jabbed a finger to the tent entrance.

“Oh boy," the voice muttered, leaving.

The she-orc had warned her that orc and goblin soldiers were not the cleanest of creatures, even well behaved Kaos Army ones. They were forever sticking their fingers into any old hole they fancied when the whim took them and once again Sarah had immediately thought of her nursery toddlers. You really didn't want them anywhere near a food surface.

“I'm back! Her new friend declared as she was finishing up, “did Snotling turn up?"

“Sorry Raz, I was in here doing the rolls. I did have one chancer wander in demanding his lunch but I told them to get lost," Sarah laughed.

“Oh?"

“Yeah. Bold as brass. Just wandered in for a ham salad roll. 'Out!' I said, 'no but's! Out!' You'd have been proud of me."

Raz didn't look so sure, “what did he look like?" she asked, slowly, “was he a bit... unusual?"

“I dunno. Didn't even look at him. Besides, they're all bleeding unusual! How was I meant to know who he was, anyway?" she paused, “it wasn't one of your boyfriends was it? Ah, I'm sorry if it was, Raz." She did seem to be dating half the infantry.

The she-orc shook her head slightly, “I'm sure it's fine. Let's wrap up, shall we? They sort their own evening meals from the packed dry supplies."

She disappeared out the tent again while Sarah put all the sandwiches along with clean napkins into brown paper bags clearly labelled with the contents inside ready to put them out on a tray for the soldiers to help themselves. She heard Raz chatting to someone and emerged from the tent, “there we go," she said cheerily, “all done."