Inside and out

Being human sucked most of the time. We couldn't communicate on the same level as the Anthros. They had a super smell to pick up deeper emotions we humans couldn't detect. They also had some kind of sixth since, to detect the fear of their friends, loved ones, and just subtle things we couldn't pick up. But these were only a few of the things we couldn't do as human.

Chapter three

Funny feelings

It would be next Monday morning when our field trip was going to take place. And I was actually excited for once, if not a little nervous about having to ask my parents to sign the form saying I could go. But luckily the principle, being that was he “given" five-hundred-dollar grand for the art program for our school, he went the extra mile to make sure that he added a small incentive on the form saying. “Fun, and very educational." And. “We need a certain amount of children to come to 'keep' our 'bribe'." Though he left out the “keep" and bribe from the text. As soon as I got home from my school, I had already wished my dad was far off on some military base.

You see, my dad was a very frustrated and angry man. He grew up with a cold mother and a uncaring father. Both of which told him to hold in his emotions in. And when he met my mom, things had only gotten worse. I'm still surprised they haven't gotten a divorce at this point.

Andrew: “Where is it, well? The last time I checked it was in the folder where I left it!" Muffled shouting could be heard from the upstairs bedroom where my mom was currently yelling back at him, something about him being stupid enough for leaving it somewhere where she thought it was garbage.

This was almost a daily routine for them. And if that wasn't enough my sister was in her room ignoring the miniature civil war as much as she could. Though sometimes she sort of took after both, leaving me to hide in my room too.

So I just did as I always did, snuck up to my room and closed the door. Not only did the summer break end this week but my parents were at each others neck.

More screaming could be heard from down stairs, and right as I was about to go to my small desk where a pile of comic books was waiting for me.

I then heard my mom's footsteps crunch on the cheap wooden floors as she took her yelling from their room all the way down the stairs, that crunching always made me jump on how loud it was. It always worried me, as if they floor would to break at any second. Despite it being an old house, it was actually pretty nice, even homely. That's my mom for you, even how she acted, she knew how to make you feel like you lived in a nice place.

But when I sat down to start on my latest issue of Spiderman, my thoughts returned to the warm feelings that were in my chest, and to how odd it felt to be happy from someone you just met, genuine happiness isn't something I thought I would get used to, funny how life could be sometimes.

I tried to focus but no matter what I did, I could only see her bright green eyes, her adorable smiling face, her happy “floppy" tail. Even her laugh was stuck in my head, it was so, what was the word, appealing.

It was about eight at night when I suddenly noticed the time, I have been going in and out of and thinking of her, what broke my newly estranged feelings was the change of lighting, the sun was setting, and the orange gold light was peering through, as it drowned my walls and eyes with its light. “Her fur is kinda orange, like this..." I thought, when I first saw her, the sun was behind her head, like a halo. That is when my head got dizzy with those feelings again, I had to take a break and cool off.

I got up from my desk and stretched as best I could, it was time for something of a daily routine for me, it was the only way I could relax, afterwards, maybe my mom will have made me something to eat after her and my dad's shouting match.

The memories began to fade into the back of my mind, as I stared blankly into the light across my room where the light was hitting. Each time I felt a flash of comfort of my new friend, it broke as the shouting downstairs continued, that is, when it happened, the cold dull feelings came seeping in. The light from the setting sun was now gone underneath the horizon as the last blink vanished.

It was part of what I was used to, but something was different, it wasn't as deep, or as sharp as what the lonely feeling I was used to, something warm was growing in my chest making the other colder feeling weaker. I then saw it, the moon was out, and was full too, it looked more bright than usual.

And before my feelings began to argue like my parents, my mom opened the door, being deep in thought about the light, and feelings, she made me practically jump out of my seat.

She was in mid asking me about what I wanted for supper, as she spoke she looked to me, slightly angry but trying to calm herself. After all, she wasn't the best of hiding her anger, even if she claimed not to be angry as my father.

I just mumbled I wanted something like chicken, or ham stake if all possible, I wasn't really in the mood to think of something else besides what had happened today, let alone the darkness creeping presently in my chest.

She then asked how my day was, I tried to think of a lie, for some reason I wanted to hide my feelings I was noticing about myself, how I was warm, sweaty, and somehow entranced by it all. So I instead just made up some story about how me and one of the boys in my neighborhood went to the edge of the woods by a pond and just hanged out. She didn't seem to think anything of it and nodded, then she was gone as quickly as she came in.

Why was I afraid, or at least more afraid of telling my mom anything about what I was feeling?

However, this didn't last, as I drifted away from these feelings into being distracted about the field trip, the one that was rumored to being one of the birth places of every “furry", as the kids called it. Kids my age often believed this is also where you were taken too, if you were a bad boy, or girl, and that they would turn you into an obedient “furry" child. Well that's what most kids claimed that their parents told them, I had no idea.

Being one who often didn't get to play with kids my own age wasn't too much of a big deal, I hadn't really noticed, but my parents did, but sadly they would only tell me I should hang out with kids from school who were as old as me. This hadn't sit well with me, as they would force me to join the wrestling team, and basketball team, in order to make some friends. And boy did that turn out bad.

I was an embarrassment, and would often rather watch, than play. It wasn't that I was bad, it was just I felt so embarrassed to be watched by others, I would get distracted and fail whatever match or game I was in.

If that wasn't bad enough, the kids didn't even talk to me, I don't even know if they even noticed me. Though my parents thought I was having fun, they would then wave my complaints away if I told them I hated it, thinking I was just being a kid, and making things up.

A lot of these kids were also in my class, including one who kept on bullying me, his name was Haden. And for me, was the only kid that paid attention to me, making me wish that I was ignored. He always called me a furry lover, and said I should marry them if I loved them so much. As I was the only one in my class that tried to defend them. And as for my teacher, who had his own deep seeded hatred for them, didn't stop the bulling, thinking it was a good way for me learn to hate them too.

These memories started to push on me, and I began to cry in my room holding myself in my chair, just silently, or at least how silent as I could make myself. And to let out every pain that I could, I tried thinking of anything to cheer me up, but to a nine-year-old, there wasn't much I could think of, or do. And I kept feeling the dull pain of the loneliness sink in until my mom snapped me out of it's cold tightening grasp.

The squeak of my door, sharp, and loud was her only signal, as she walked into my room, only to ask me if I was ok. But as I blathered, trying not to sob, she rolled her eyes, and walked out, too stressed to deal with my “theatrics". Funny how that was more of my sister's talent than mine. Or that I never lied to my parents, or gave any reason to make them not trust me.

I slowly got up trying to dry my tears, and went down the steps, I looked in the window on the landing between the floors and saw how red and puffy my eyes where in its reflection. I was so worried my mom might yell at me for letting myself look like this, that I tried covering it up as soon as we got to the table.

My dad, apparently left the house to meet with his friend at the bar, and my sister made the excuse to go to a friend's house for a sleep over. It was just me and my mom, and she looked tired, more than usual. She took my hand, rather tightly, and told me to say bless. I hated this, not because I hated our religion, just the fact she didn't let me say what I wanted to, and it made me feel guilty about my opinion about the Anthros. In fact, I just kept telling myself that if God hated me, I would already be dead. This didn't really help much, but it was the only thing that gave me some sort of bleak hope in the world.

But this depressive state didn't stick, as the whole day on Monday morning would be me going to this amazing place. And that Hayden wouldn't get a chance to bully me with everyone working there looking at a group of impressionable kids.

It was now Sunday, and I snuck out of my house early morning, claiming “I was gonna hang out with my friends before church", luckily, or unluckily depending, my parents were fighting again, so they didn't really pay any attention to what I said.

Rio was already waiting for me, as the night before I called her mom before I went to bed, and asked if Rio had church in the morning, to my surprise her mom answered me, instead asking me why I was up so late. And I just talked to her without feeling awkward. I don't know why I did, but she was so nice to me, I felt that I could trust her with my thoughts. That, and she even told me about her day, she acted as if I was just being a normal kid. Me normal, I didn't believe her, but I wanted to.

But as I asked her what church Rio and her went to, she told me that they didn't go to any churches, and Rio would be up around seven the next morning as she usually did, and would tell her to expect me over around that time. The next morning, I was up early, it was just as the sun was rising, and as soon as I reached the corner I saw Rio cutely peeking through her window waiting for me. As soon as she spotted me she vanished from the window and swung open the door, and ran to me, giving me a tight hug from her excitement, then invited me inside to watch cartoons with her.

Something about what her mother said irked me, why was it they didn't go to church? Sure her mom seemed not to be the religious type, that is when it occurred to me. I never met a non-Christian family, in fact I don't think I even interacted with a non-religious person entirely. The thing about being a family built up on a faith is supposed to bring that family together, or so I was told by several sources of those who I doubt even had a good family. Of course I had nothing to compare it to, as I was at the moment meeting my first family that had not god or God in their life.

But my curiosity only wandered as I again wondered down the street not even paying attention to what was in front of me, just looking down at my feet as I walked. What was I like to have no god, was it a horrible lonely life, was their no sense of any hope? What about her mom, did she give it up, or was there never an opportunity to have one? Was Rio loved by her parents if they had no god to love her by example?

As I kid I could only think of so many options to this ever growing conundrum in my mind, so much so thinking of Rio as this level of religious freedom, or that of freedom of thought of not having one, had led her to appear as my literal, and metaphysical breaks, as I felt a warm soft wall of some kind push into my head as my breaks let out a small “oof".

“So how have you been doing?" A much more mature female voiced chimed from the other side of the frame. Rio's mom came up washing her matted soaked paws in an apron she had been wearing.

She smiled her cool nature smile at me as Rio walked me in jumping back in front of the T.V it was a samurai movie, and it looked old, as it was in black and white. I sat down next to her and started to actually get into it. So far, it was two Samurai warriors, one in what I could tell from the lack of color, a black robe. While the other, was in a white one. The two seemed to be clashing swords in a display too fast for the human eye. But then I noticed something. One of them, the one in white, had pointed ears on top of his head, and a white tail with a black tip. She squeaked in joy, and cheered for each hit the 'good' samurai landed on his foe. Quickly the black robed samurai, hit his foe's neck. She leaned up to her knees as her face nearly booped the television screen. “Noooo, you can't die, you're the hero!" She bellowed.

I looked to my friend in concern, she was really getting into this, that is when her mom motioned to me from the kitchen, I looked to her in confusion at first, then motioned to me to do a cheer, after another moment of my obliviously childish mind, it got me.

“Go while Samurai, be the hero everyone needs!" Rio looked at me in pure delight, and serious excitement as we both cheered our hero on. That is when I realized, I myself was getting into it. I felt some kind of fire in my chest, something genuine, something good.

As our hero crouched to the ground in pain from his wound, and barely blocking the oncoming attack from his foe, the samurai said something in Japanese, a word I didn't understand, but the subtitle said “Never give up!"

The music suddenly picked up pace as our hero back swung his sword with all his might and in a jump cut, we see the villain seemingly unaffected, then it turns to black as we see animated white water splash from where his neck would be on screen, and in the next frame, he was lying on the ground not even a grunt or a scream, only in his last final breath the Black robe samurai said. “It is finished; I die...with honor..." And there is some kind of transition to some kind of tree, with white petals falling from them, only leaving one left on the lowest hanging branch. Then the movie cuts to black, then credits start to role as Rio sighs in satisfaction. “Best, movie, ever~!" she out stretches her arms in excitement, as I cheer with her, only realizing a moment later she is hugging me tight.

She then lets as an embarrassed smile washes over her face. I am now blushing trying to hold on to me wanting to hug her back, feeling she would hate me if I did.

Her mom to my luck then chimes in, “Oh, Rio, Thomas, if you guys want there are some pancakes here if you didn't have breakfast already Thomas." Rio whispers a small yes, as I follow her into the open kitchen.

The kitchen, despite its openness was quite cozy, and pretty modern looking too, the bright beige wood table with a four by four steel frame lay at its center, while attached to the walls, were homely yet cool colored wooden cabinets. And laying on a large red plate next to the oven on a counter top were a stalk of steaming hot pancakes fresh off the stove. The air was filled with light crisp butter, and that steamy sweet smell you get from home cooking.

I was about to refuse the offer being too bashful, but my stomach answered for me, loudly. I blushed, as Rio and her mom giggled. I put my hands over my face to hide it out from embarrassment, but their giggling was soft, and non-formed malice.

I didn't even notice my smile, not until I started laughing with them. So this is what it was liked to be laughed with, and not at, I wondered to myself. The now growing warmth in my chest began swell, then relax.

It was turning eight right as a marathon of old monster movies were in mid commercial. Rio and I were lying flat on our stomachs eyes glued to the screen. I only broke my attention from the mind-numbing commercial break to see the time. “Ah man, I gotta go before my parents get up!" Rio's ears perked up. Her tail twitching as she hopped up, walking me, almost relenting each step as she took me to her front door. “Aw, but Tommy!" She feigns whined. “You just got here." I nodded, wishing I could stay, I didn't have to say a thing as she caught my expression, quickly bounding forward, and catching me into a tight bear hug. “When is your church over with today?" Her eyes, puppy dog sad, but hopeful.

“I think it's done around nine, so I'll be back around then I think, it isn't too far away from here. Only about ten minutes."

She liked that answer, as then she said explosively “Then only an hour and twelve minutes until I see you again!"

After the long goodbyes she finally let me leave, though I wished she had kidnapped me instead. As I dreaded to think what on earth could be 'preached' at our church today.

Going to church always felt like more of a chore to me, I never knew why, but it felt more like a cult then anything. I never knew why it felt like one, it wasn't that the constant wailing of the pipe organ

was hypnotizing the masses, and the people weren't overly happy to a creepy extent. It was just the opposite.

Just normal angry people trying to find some peace but the way they looked at me though, a kid. It was like I was some kind of freak, or criminal. And it was one of those feelings, the one someone who is being judged by the angry, unforgiving eyes of catholic priests.

But this week, of course, had to be worse, as this morning's subject had to do with something I was battling in my own mind. I didn't need a preacher on high to make the battle worse, or in any way more involved with my parents.

The church itself was a very old, and very large wooden building, with stone pillars supporting the out folded tile roof. The doors in the very middle were a thick oak twins, with large iron pipes for handles.

When we entered the old stone floor hallway, the walls lit up with a mix of green blue and red coming from the stain glass windows adjacent to the side wall facing the east, as the sun was still rising just enough to cover the room in its refracted light.

The light's center oddly enough, was focused mostly on the large bullion board to the left of the wide square archway leading to the center path to the actual church.

I walked up to the board, as the pastor was distracting my parents with some conversation I didn't really want to hear.

As soon as I read the headline, my heart began to sink. “Anthro Americans- Abominations of Atheism.

I froze there, not knowing how to react. Was this real, or was this just another nightmare caused of my fear of what my religion might think about them. I suddenly heard the large oak doors creak open as I saw another large group of people came in, and in the group was a bunch of my class mates, they all looked tired, irritable and above all, looking for something to stare at to push the boredom from their minds.

“This outta be good." one of them said. It was a girl's voice, Rebekah. “Why did it have to be her?" I thought in as ran back to my parents, not wanting to be seen by any of my classmates, especially her.

She was one of the popular girls, one of the most beautiful, and one I happen to have a major crush on. Ever since I went to this school in first grade I had a crush on her.

I mentally slapped myself. Wasn't she the one who was in the group of those who made fun of me that day about marrying furries? I shook my head trying to get that memory out of my mind, no she wouldn't hate them, right?

I couldn't bare that thought, knowing she would think I was a freak, let alone one that loved furries. Suddenly I thought of Rio, the one who was so kind to me, who had become my best friend. Then the warm fuzzy feeling came back. I slipped pass them, noticing that Rebekah was looking at me, too distracted with my thoughts, I just looked away, as I noticed something. Why didn't Rebekah make me feel the way Rio did? I didn't think I had a crush on Rio, she was just a really good friend Right?

Before I could go any further my dad yelled at me, snapping my attention to where I was going. Only to see I was standing in the middle of the front, I ran over as quickly as I could, too embarrassed to to look at anyone who might be staring at the weird kid day dreaming in the middle of church.

Once I got comfortable, well, as much as one could in a hard wooden seat and at an awkward angle of the back board, I looked up to see our pastor walk up to the podium and began his sermon.

He was a tall and well-built man, with a shiny bald head. And no facial hair except for what seemed to be a shadow of hair under his lips. As he began to speak I noticed he had something in his hand, it was one of the Anthro plush, one of a wolf man in pants and a plaid shirt, with what seemed to be big anime eyes.

The pastor rose this plushy in the air. “What do you see?" He asked looking around room. “What do you see when you look at this doll? Is it something simple as an animal in two legs trying to be human?" I looked at him, apprehension making my chest feel tight.

“Do you know what I see? I see something of a mockery of our Lord, saying that those who deny him, play God to make such a creature." He emphasized by shaking it in his hand. “They walk among us, some of them claiming to be one of us. Saying that they should have our God-given rights as Americans." Some of people listening gasped, and muttered something I thought was rude under their breaths.

As the sermon continued he began to raise his voice. “According to Genesis chapter one section twenty-six we are to rule over the animals, the beasts of the earth, and I quote 'Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.'

He continued; “Now how do we rule over the earth when they claim to have our rights? For it then is a sin if we do not rule over them, and be extension can't do this if our government lets them have our rights."

Several of the mass, except myself, was in shock and outrage of this truth.

And so it went. At the end of the sermon, there were many small groups of family friends, and others whispering to themselves, some in utter disbelief of this new revelation about Anthro-Americans, and others complaining about how their company is allowing more Anthros into their place of work.

My heart felt it was about to break, as I felt guilty, and I didn't' even know why, was it because I was breaking God's law, or that others hated me for liking “Furies". Or was it their cruel words towards the group that made my heart flinch with each thing they said about how they were freaks, or how God hates those who support them.

I just wanted to leave so badly. But when the ushers came to our pew, letting us up to leave. I caught several glances from kids in my class staring right at me. I put my head down, as we slowly walked out, they kept looking at me, like those eyes do in those haunted paintings.

The ride home was quiet, well to be more accurate I was quiet, more than usual, as my parents kept talking about what I learned in church, noting that I was day dreaming, the asked my sister what she thought. And I being already too deep in thought, didn't hear what she had to say.

As soon as I got home, I asked if I could go to my friend's house. My dad already sitting down to watch television in the living room waved me away, and I took my leave, hoping that Rio could cheer me up, and help me understand about if a Furry, no what it meant to be an Anthro-American.