\n "Your part is done, Juniper." He said to his partner, despite the pain.
\n "But you can't do it alone. You need me, now more than ever." Juniper Replied, understanding his intentions.
\n "My leg is shredded, June. I'm bleeding out as we speak. The charges are set, and I've got the detonator. Go." He said, pointing to the vent. "Take the vents back to the bottom floor and leave. Use my cloaking device." He finished, handing the small machine to her. Tears welled up in Juniper's eyes. The thought of losing him was too much.
\n "...North...I can't just..." She started, her voice cracking. She felt North's hands take hold of hers.
\n "Think of SpectraSYS. If you take me back, I'll be useless. If you die with me, they'll have lost a damn good agent. I love you Mirella, and I want you to make it out of this alive and bring SpectraSYS to the top. The guards will be here soon, take the vent before they realize there's two of us." He said, letting go of her hands. She wiped the tears form her eyes with a sniff and went for the vent on the far side of the room.
\n As he lay there, the pain in his body became more apparent. He rolled over onto his stomach and began crawling to the large window on the north side of the room. He looked out over the city from Keyura Company's sixth floor. Beautiful city lights shown brightly as far as he could see; tall skyscrapers in the distance with smaller buildings crowding them on all sides. The lights of the city dimmed, growing fainter as the pain dulled. He was dying.
\n As Mirella crawled through the ducts, memories returned to her from years past; the time her and North met. She had been living on the streets, stealing from people's houses and pick-pocketing people. She had bumped into him one night, distracting him from her sticky fingers. North was fast though, catching her wrist before she could reach his wallet. After discovering she was homeless, he let her stay at his large house until she was back on her feet. Seeing her slight of hand, he set her up with SpectraSYS, a new company dedicated to supplying other companies with the ever-growing demand for spying equipment. They had their own agents, as was the norm in this day and age. Soon enough, love flourished between them, North's home becoming hers as well. Returning from her memory, Mirella smiled, tears welling up in her eyes. She reached a grating in the bottom of the vent, leading into the shipping area of the first floor. Readying her keypad decoder, she opened the vent.
\n Movement caught North's eye. As he focused on it, he saw Mirella dashing into the nearby alley, wiping her eyes again. He hoped she would have the strength to continue on. She had always been shy and hesitant. After only a few moments, the Keyura security found him.
\n "There he is!" One shouted at the end of the hall.
\n "Looks like the fera-bots got 'im." Another said., seeing the large amount of red on the brown carpet.
\n "What are you waiting for? Go get the damn body bag!" A third said. The others obeyed immediately, leaving to get a body bag. The guard approached him and leaned closer, getting a good view of his face. North's eyes snapped open and a smile appeared on his face.
\n "This is the end of Keyura..." He said, holding up the detonator. The guard started, taking a step back before aiming his InTopia rifle at the bleeding wolf. North pulled the trigger, detonating the mines, toppling the building in a bright flash of fire and shrapnel.
\n Keyura specializes in explosives, and I'm blowing them up...with their own mines... North's last thought echoed through his mind before being engulfed in flames.
Project Faction - Mirella Juniper ~ version 0.2
Imported from SF2 with no description.
14 years ago
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Estimated reading time
3 Minutes
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Oh, and you should open this link in a new tab and listen while reading.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FdWism0AYQ
Simply right-click on the link, and click "Open Link in New Tab".
Questions to answer after reading:
1. How do the company names sound?
2. How convincing was their relationship?
3. What do you think of North as a character?
4. What do you think of Mirella Juniper as a character?
5. How did I do describing the city?
6. How well do you think I described the dying scene?
7. Any questions?
8. Should I keep writing it? If not, why?
And finally: If there's anything I should change or add to make it better, please let me know. I'm open to any criticism.
1) Keyura's good. Somehow the spectraSYS annoys me. Spectrasys? It's just the capital letters at the end which seem confusing. Try experiment with the spelling maybe?
2) It depends. The two seem as if they share a Mentor/Student type relationship. if you want to go for a closer relationship maybe have (Mirella or June?) try help the guy to his feet and give them a little more physical contact suitible to their relationship.
3)North... that's his name. A little work obsessed clearly. Rather caring and selfless. Responsible. He tends to think of himself as a bit of a tool to spectraSYS (i still don't like those capitals, but that's just me. i'm weird.) rather than a person as he says "Think of SpectraSYS. If you take me back, I'll be useless". Useless, like a useless tool. Slightly pyromaniacle (likes fire) perhaps? just becuase of how he smiled as the flames engulfed him. it seems as if he is embracing them almost. He's pretty well portrayed actually. i think. unless you didn't mean for any of these traits...
4) i will call her june cause it's shorter. She's a little clingy. A little dependant on North. Could do with a little more detail.
5) You could have mentioned the city in the last sentences of the part with the city where he feels he's dying, including some details of it, eg "the glowing cityscape dwindled in his tired eyes" or something like that, linking the city to him slowly losing vision.
6) if by the dying scene you meant the bit where he blew up the building, that was my fave part. the fire and shrapnel was nice, and i especially liked the "Go get the damn body bag" part. the way they treated him as some peice of trash added feeling.
7) What time is it? i haven't got a watch.
8) Keep writing. Anybody who tells you otherwise shoud have a mine placed in their pants and be kicked up the ass. Keep writing.
And finally *gasp for breath*
When you are writing a scene, relax somewhere first, stop and think. Imagine the characters in your head, even somewhere in the room. like a little movie in your head. You're the only one who can see the movie and you want to explain what you can see to us blind bunch of dumb ***** cause we can't see. What are they doing? How are they sitting, standing kneeling moving? Are they smiling? Smiliny shyly, nervously, warmly, dirty smile (lol). Just watch how they talk to each other, how confidently they stand, what guestures they make, then put this down on your document. Like copy-pasting it from your head to it.
That's just what i think, but hell. i'm just a random kid.
Do what you hear desires. it's your story, and as long as you're happy, it's good.
Holey shit that took some time! L8r.
I see why you'd take it as a mentor/student relationship. Juniper's memory pretty much solidifies that, but it's a bit more than that. She pretty much owes her non-homeless life to North, so she kind of loves him for that. North almost feels responsible for her life, like he needs to be there for her. He's not really supposed to be that work-obsessed, but you got most of that right. This is his priority order: Mission, Friends, Himself. He wasn't supposed to be a pyromaniac either, actually. He was smiling because taking out Keyura was one step closer to ensuring the success of SpectraSYS(Gonna call it that until I change it).
The female character's name is actually Mirella Juniper, but agents usually call each other by their last names. At least in SpectraSYS. She is pretty dependent on him, but she's gonna have to work past that now. In some of the following stories, she'll be the main character, so she will be expanded on.
You're right about the city dimming in his eyes as he nears death thing. That part will be revised, thanks.
The mine up the ass will subsequently be detonated by North.
Also, I'll keep that scene planning technique in mind for next time. It's probably different for everyone, but I'm willing to try anything.
Thank you for taking the time to help with my little project, I appreciate it.
Also don't worry about that pyromaniac thing. i was being a little picky and overobservant, and nobody else other than me (maybe it's because i'm a little pyro myself?) would think that.
Another thing that would help: When you're reading, ask questions. Like "What was Mirella's part?" and write them down. Then ask me every question you've written. It's a good way for development. It's hard for the writer to ask these questions, because I already know everything.
How old is Mirella?
How did she become homeless? (Ran away after family violence, poor, parents killed?)
And btw, plot.
ALWAYS PLOT! i learned that the hard way. I open word and write a short summary of the series i'm about to write. it helps shitloads and it'll help you prevent from hitting pitfalls. Just a suggestion.
Mirella's parents actually were killed, by Xima Corp agents. Her mother was a secretary and her father was a simple security guard at Plexinim, when Xima agents made their way in. Her father was one of the guards they neutralized before entering, her mother was going to spring the alarm, but they killed her too. Xima's first mission against Plexinim was a success. They then made Plexinim a target to be eliminated. Plexinim dwindled and was gone before North even found Mirella on the streets.
Unfortunately, I may give up this idea and move on. I'm not feeling what I was when I thought of it, and I have a few better ideas that need more development time than they're getting. I'll leave this here as such, and continue working on it until I decide. I won't remove it if I decide to stop.