How to Seer, Part 8
"Life After You"
copyright comidacomida 2020

Although I had known Raven the longest I would have to say that he was probably the Spirit I felt most distant to... and probably for the same reason: he'd been Skin Riding one my best friends for the first several years of our interaction.  It had been strange enough when he'd revealed the truth there was still an element of that awkwardness that followed him through those first few years when I was learning about Spirits and the first many months I'd spent in Cherry City.  Eventually though, if we were going to continue living together, the way I saw him would have to change.

It was his turn to have a night alone with me but, rather than choosing a movie or a trip to the mall, or walking along side streets and chatting about 'the good old days' like he usually did, Raven selected something differently.  I found myself sitting in a local old world deli on the second floor of a two story building in downtown's old town district.  Raven sat across from me saying nothing as I looked down at the corned beef on rye and kettle chips sitting in front of me.  Only once I took a bite of the pickle spear that came with did he say anything.  "Hey, Billy... you ever notice that every time we're together I always get you to do the most of the talking?"

It was something I had indeed noticed, and I'd called attention to it a number of times.  He was always good about deflecting the question, often coming up with excuses like "Well, Ravens are mysterious birds." or "I already know about me so why talk about myself?" or, ultimately "I'm a Trickster Spirit and most people don't know if they can trust what I say, so I'm making it easier on you."

Rather than mention those past excuses I only nodded; there wasn't anyone around in the corner I'd chosen so I could have said more than I did, but I chose to save the dialogue for him since he was feeling talkative. "Yep."

He let out a deep breath, fluffing up his feathers as he shook his whole body, and took in another. "The truth is, I'm not so good at talking about myself because there isn't a whole lot of good to be said... I'm a Trickster Spirit... you know what that means, right?"

Based on what I'd learned about the different kinds of Spirits I did have an idea, but if he was willing to talk, who was I to get in the way.  I picked up a chip but, before putting it into my mouth I said. "Tell me."

Raven looked right at me; the overhead lighting shone off his eyes which usually looked jet black, allowing me to see the Purple highlights I knew where there.  The color meant that he was a chaotic Spirit, untamed and impossible to predict.  I heard him exhale once, then inhale again slowly before he spoke.  "As a Trickster Spirit I'm untrustworthy.  I'm flighty, and prone to hurting those around me for a laugh."

When he paused I ate another chip, giving him a chance to continue.  When he didn't, I asked "Do you think that describes you?"

The Bird gave a half shrug then, hesitantly, nodded.  "Do you know much about myths of the world, Billy?  Most cultures think of Raven as a trickster, a thief, a bad omen... ravens are said to bring death, or foretell a coming war, or be the sign of natural disasters... All these different Human people have legends about it because, at one time or another, I gave them a reason to."

As I started eating my sandwich, Raven began elaborating on the many stories from across the Earth of the spirit, the god, or the demigod that was known to so many cultures for so many things.  I remained quiet as he elaborated on just why it was he was so careful about always trying to be Kyle around me instead of who he really was.  As my sandwich and his story came to an end, he fell quiet again.  I swallowed my last bite of food, and then asked him "So which one are you?  Kyle, or Raven?"

Raven stared across the table at me, beak half open, usually-very-lively expression identifiably blank.  He stayed that way for several seconds before responding.  When he did I wasn't sure whether I expected him to actually provide an answer or to evade the question entirely.  He didn't really do either.  "Billy... do you know what I want out of life?"

I couldn't help myself. "Would you honestly tell me if I asked?"

His beak quirked just a little and he chuckled. "I asked for that... heh... Billy--" he reached across the table, his wing resting on my arm as if his feathers were a hand.  "Ultimately, all trickster spirits just want to laugh-- usually AT someone, but not always."  Raven took a deep breath. "Really, that's what I still want... but I want that life to include you."

"You want to laugh at me?"

He pulled his wing back, honestly looking pained by the poor attempt at humor.  "With you, Billy.  All that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing WITH you."

I had reached for my water glass, but stopped mid motion when the statement escaped him.  Never once had I ever recalled Raven being quite so direct about his desires.  Ultimately, only one follow-up question came to mind. "...why me?"

The inquiry had him obviously flustered.  Hopping off his chair, he fluffed up again, shaking his feathers out as he walked around the table to stand next to me.  "Why?  Because, Billy-- because you're you.  You're... you're incredible!  You weren't just Kyle's best friend, you know... you've been mine.  I've been around for THOUSANDS of years but I've never met anyone like you."

The admission was a lot to take in.  Part of me wondered if he was just starting a very elaborate prank, but a deeper part of me knew that it wasn't the case.  Turning to regard him, I spoke calmly and evenly.  "Kyle really liked me... as in, LIKED me, liked me."

The Raven shrugged his wings. "Yeah... Kyle was gay.  He realized it around when he turned thirteen.  He's had a crush on  you since then."

I felt a little dirty having Raven reveal a secret like that to me, but I pushed that reaction aside as I pointed out something that he'd said before. "You mentioned when you first told me about the Spirit Riding thing that Spirits can feel what the Human feels, and can also change their personalities and their thoughts... right?"

The Spirit nodded. "Some, yes... that's how we guide them.  What does that have to do with--"

I proposed my point. "Maybe when you felt what he was feeling some of that rubbed off?  What if you're feeling is just... some kind of echo?"

He earnestly looked hurt.  "Billy... I know the difference... I know how Kyle felt, and I know how I feel... all I don't know is what you make of it, if any of this means anything, or if I'm just causing you more problems by lingering."

Put on the spot, I really DIDN'T know how I felt.  I slowly stood, setting cash down on the table to cover my dinner, and headed for the exit to the restaurant.  We'd walked, which meant that I had about ten minutes until I got back home to conclude not only thinking about the question but to provide an answer that Raven would be able to accept.  The harder problem was wondering if I had an answer that -I- could accept.

He was surprisingly quiet beside me as we walked.  Rather than answers, however, all I found were more questions. "I couldn't choose you over the others, you know.  You're not asking me to... are you?"

The Raven immediately shook his head.  "No, Billy... that's not what this is about.  I might be a thief and a rogue and a trickster and a brigand and an ill omen for some, but the last thing anyone would ever call me is jealous."

By the time we were half way home I still couldn't provide a direct answer but his patience at least demanded I provide him something. "I-- don't know how I feel.  I mean... I just feel like..."

Despite how ineffective I was at identifying my concerns he somehow not only picked up on it, but even managed to describe it. "You aren't sure that I'm me... I spent so long as Kyle you're worried that you'll keep confusing the two and don't know how to separate them."

He'd nailed it, but I failed to convey that as I answered with "I... guess?"

Raven stopped, and I did as well.  "You know that Spirits can get spirit energy from any Human, and in a number of ways, right?"

I did by that point, of course, but I didn't know what the question had to do with what we were discussing. "Yes... but what does that have to do with--?"

He looked right at me, taking one of my hands into his wings and held it. "Billy... ever since leaving Kyle, I have not taken any from any other Human.  I don't want to.  Yes, I know Kyle had a crush on you and MAYBE that was my first introduction to you, but these feelings are MINE.  I don't know if you feel the same, or COULD feel the same, but I don't want to look anywhere else for survival.  You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one."

There was no more blunt a way for him to express his feelings.  I stood there on the sidewalk for I-don't-know-how-long, taking in the confession from Raven and letting my brain marinade in the understanding it brought.  I gazed down at his feet for a long time; somewhere in the back of my mind I giggled at the irony that his feet turned in slightly-- he was 'crow footed'.  That, for some unknown reason, snapped me out of my daze.  "I don't know how I feel, Raven-- but I like that you're in my life."

I heard him let out a breath that he'd been holding and he fluffed out his feathers again.  "Well... that's a start."

Slowly looking up to meet his gaze, I was stupefied to see something had changed; the illumination from the streetlight overhead lit up his eyes, which were no longer Lavender.  Even though I was shocked, I spoke what his statement had brought up prominently in my mind. "A start?  What if this is all it is?"

The Bird offered a bittersweet smile. "It's... good enough.  Thank you, Billy... and I mean what I said about other Humans.  You're the only one I want, and I know I would die here without you."

I had never had such a dramatic confession given to me and yet, for some reason I had hard time rationalizing, when I looked into his Honey hued eyes staring back at me, I believed him.  Holding my arms out wide was all the invitation he needed and a second later I was enveloped in a shawl of black feathers as he embraced me tightly.  I reassured him in the best way I knew how. "Thank you for being in my life."

It was the first time I'd heard Raven cry, but tears of joy were a good start.