It was a trick.

It had to be, there was no other explanation.  I waved my phone around, trying to acclimate my eyes to the poor lighting.  I sloshed through ankle deep water as I wandered back and forth where the door had been.  It must be fiberglass walls shaped to look like stone.  The same goes for those stalagmites, they had to be fake.  Airplanes don't just drop you off inside a cave, that's ridiculous.  I put my hand on the wall.  The surface was slimy, wet and sure as hell felt like stone.  Try as I might I could find no sign of the entryway that had been there only moments before.  I attempted to beat the pommel of the knife against it but it was unyielding.  All I succeeded in doing was making loud clanking noises.  

“Hey!  Let me out!"

The only answer was a roar from something in the cave with me. Whatever that was, it was getting closer.  I quickly turned the phone in the direction that I thought it was coming from, but it was difficult to tell from the echo.  The light barely seemed to go past a few yards before everything became empty abyss.  

I turned my phone around to examine the screen.  At the top it was showing zero bars with an indicator that meant it was searching for service.  Next to that was the charge indicator that read 58%.  Tucking the big knife under my arm, I began poking at the settings.  It should have a flashlight option on it somewhere, but I couldn't for the life of me remember how to turn it on. To my right there was splashing water that was quickly getting louder.  My heart started to hammer away as the reality of the situation—no matter how unlikely it was—was settling in. I was in a cave somewhere underground, in complete darkness, and something unseen, quite large, and possibly dangerous was closing in on me.  

The sloshing footsteps were almost on top of me, accompanied by the sound of a hiss.  The footsteps approached with zeal and the sound of thrashing water.  It had seen me and was charging!  Unable to find the flashlight on my phone I quickly switched to the camera, raised it in front of me and touched the button.

The phone flashed brightly and briefly illuminated the cave.  Something huge and white reared up and let out a horrific shriek.  Unable to completely discern what it was, I took another picture.  It was something slimy and monstrous.  The creature screamed again and splashed down into the water, drenching me with the foul-smelling, warm fluid up to my chest and nearly dousing my phone.  A third picture and I caught a glimpse of a long, white tail with pink spots as the beast fled.  

I stood for a moment, completely frozen in place with stark terror at what I had just seen.  If the monster hadn't drenched me, the front of my pants would have been warm and wet anyway.  My only reaction was to keep pressing the camera even after the threat had fled.  

I finally shook myself back to my senses.  I looked down at my phone to flip through the pictures I had just taken.  Empty cave, empty cave, empty cave, empty cave… tail…

The monster was massive, but I had no real reference for its size.  Somewhere between bigger than a horse and smaller than an elephant.  It was long and serpentine with at least six sets of legs.  White as a sheet with light pink polka dots on smooth, amphibian skin.  A huge, wide head with an equally gigantic mouth.  Inside its mouth were thousands of sharp teeth.  Even its tongue and upper palate were lined with them.  On the sides of its head were exposed gills, like an axolotl or a waterdog.  It had tiny, beady eyes.  Not just two of them, I counted four pairs.  

I had to get out of the cave.

Now that the looming danger had gone it was easy to find the flashlight on my phone.  I swept the light around me.  I was in a large chamber with a ceiling so high that the light couldn't reach it.  I only knew there had to be a ceiling because of the long, slender stalactites that protruded from the dark, some reaching to the floor.  Everywhere I turned the light I had a sense that something was moving away just beyond where it could reach.  I didn't like that I couldn't see the dangers around me, but there was some comfort in the fact that they were afraid of the light.  Judging from the pictures I had taken I probably didn't want to see them anyway.  I made one final attempt to find the doorway.  Even with the flashlight I could find nothing.  However, I found my luggage bobbing in the water.  

“Great," I muttered.  Everything in it was going to be soaked with vile cave water.  I picked it up, it was heavy and dripping.

“Just great."  

At least it had wheels, even though they were barely of any use on the uneven, wet floor.  I started walking, dragging the bag behind me through the muck.  I had no clue which way to go, but away from the direction the white and pink mutant salamander monster had gone was good enough for the moment.  If I ran into another one of them that wasn't afraid of the light, I don't know what I would do.

At that point I remembered that I had a weapon on me.  The knife was still under my arm, but I had my phone in one hand and my luggage in the other.  If I needed to, how was I supposed to use it?  I found a spot in the cave that wasn't wet and I opened my luggage.  I rummaged around the sopping contents until I found my necktie and fastened it around my head as a makeshift "Rambo" headband.  Tucking the phone in at my forehead created a serviceable headlamp, keeping the light where I was looking and out of my eyes.  The added benefit was it kept the phone from falling into the water as they're want to do.  The manufacturer promised it was waterproof, but I didn't feel like testing that claim.  I took off my jacket.  It was fine for the snowy winter, but the cave was hot and I was sweating.  I thought about taking off my long sleeved shirt too, but I felt better having something between me and whatever was dripping down from the ceiling of the cave.  

I briefly considered tossing the jacket away, but I didn't have the heart.  I tied it snugly around my waist before I stuffed the knife sheath under it.  I drew the weapon smoothly out of the scabbard, holding the blade aloft like a larp nerd pretending to be a knight.  All I was lacking was a damsel clutching my leg to complete the illusion.  I turned the weapon in my hand and the light glinted off the steel.  At least I think it was steel.  It was an odd purplish metal blade with a single, sweeping edge about a foot in length.  Not exactly a Conan the Barbarian caliber weapon.  It was dainty, having almost no weight at all, but elegant and fit in my hand nicely.

The knife suddenly vibrated in my hand.  “Hi!  How are you doing?"  

“What the—?" I spit out in surprise as I dropped the weapon.   It clattered on the stone floor and slid down into the water.  

“Blub… blub… blub…" the water bubbled where the knife had fallen.  I approached cautiously.  Did that really happen?  I reached in and pulled it out.

“Oh, wow!"  The knife had a cheery woman's voice.  “I thought I was going to drown!  But then I remembered that I don't breathe.  Ha-ha!  Oh wait, that water stinks.  How can I smell that?  Gross!"  

“You can talk?" I noted the obvious with astonishment.    

“I can?  Neat!  That means we have something in common!"    

I turned the knife over, looking for some type of microphone or something.  Maybe this whole situation an elaborate prank by one of those Youtubers with more money than sense.  Decided to hijack my vacation for a few million hits.

“Hey!  Don't look up a lady's pommel without her permission!" the knife admonished me.  “What sorta girl do you think I am?"  

“Sorry," I said, quickly turning the sword right side up.  I didn't realize there was etiquette to this.

“Well…" it hummed pleasantly in my hand, feeling a little warmer, “...I suppose it's okay.  You are kinda cute, in a meaty, fleshy, sort of way."  

“Thank you?" I replied uneasily.  Being called “cute" by an inanimate object was a new one for me.  “It's just that I've never seen a knife that could talk before."  

“KNIFE?" the blade pulsated irritably.  “I'll have you know I identify as a sword, thank-you-very-much!  I mean, I'm a short sword, but still totally swordy and not knifey at all."  

“Okay, I'm sorry," I apologized again.  “It must have been the light.  I can see how “swordy" you are now."  

“Really?  I mean… uh... yes, of course you can!  Erm… thank you.  So… um… I suppose you're my new master.  Do you have a name?"  

“Jack."

“Master Jack," it tested my name.  “I guess that's an okay name."

I shook my head.  Seems I was the proud owner of a ditzy knife with self-image issues. I finally accepted that it wasn't a trick at all.  What was really happening is that I was dreaming.  That's why it seemed real even though nothing made any sense.  It was a very vivid dream, to be sure, but I was definitely asleep.  Probably still on the airplane, snoring away with drool running down my shoulder.  Hopefully not sitting in a pool of piss as well.

“What's your name?"  Even as the question left my mouth it felt like a weird thing to ask of an object.

“I've had a lot of names given to me by lots of masters," the sword said.  “Knightbane, The Singing Edge, Purple Vorpal, Saf Crusher, Shut-the-Hell-Up, and Zoe, just to name a few."  

I grinned.  “I like Zoe."

The sword made a huff.  “Poo, I sorta like Knightbane," it grumbled, “but Zoe is fine."

"I suppose I should say it's nice to meet you, Zoe."  

"It's nice to meet you too, Master!" it said with enthusiasm.  "So, uh… now that we know each other are we gonna kill that ugly thing sneaking up on you or what?"