you are the big rocket launcher

Contributing to the Mass Exodus.

2017-04-05T14:46:11Z

I have a permanent account, so I'll be here until LJ shuts its doors; I don't update, but DW doesn't have 'a day in my life' style communities yet or the 101 in 1001 community. Anyway, if you're leaving, here's where you can find me, and please do add me!

At dreamwidth I'm sobota as well.

I've transferred my livejournal over there too. I'm just about as active over there as over here (read: not really at all) but it's a good a place as any to store my 16 years worth of drivel.

At Twitter, I'm at two places: @snuggledeath and @sdmwrites.

I am super active on both of these; @snuggledeath is private and @sdmwrites is public and super political.

At Tumblr, I'm mazeballet. I post a lot of weird stuff. I'm trying to become a studyblr because I got accepted into my Master's programme. [#humblebrag]

At Instagram, I'm themazeballet. I haven't posted since my birthday, but I'm not a very exciting person. There's a link to my blog there, but there's not much there at the mo'.

So there you have it; if you want more private things like Snapchat and my Facebook, I'm willing to send you those on an ask basis--just ask and I'll give them to you.

Dear Yuletide 2016 Author

2016-10-02T02:09:48Z

Hello! My name is Dezi and I'm 30 years old. It's been a while since I've done Yuletide. I'm a French teacher. Nice to meet you!

As a general note for all my fandoms, I don't mind angst or anything. Just write what the muse gives you.

And here are my fandoms:

- Versailles
This is an AMAZING show set during the building of Versailles under Louis XIV. They do spend a lot of time on his brother, Philippe the Duke of Orleans and his lover, the Chevalier of Lorraine. I love the lush extravagance of the setting, and I just sort of want to luxuriate in that, if possible.

- BBC The Musketeers (RPF)
I'm devastated that the show was cancelled, but the camaraderie of the main actors is AMAZING. I also am obsessed with 'behind the scenes' documentaries about filming tv shows and movies, so I'd love the fic to be set in that kind of world.

- I Capture the Castle
This is literally my favourite book in life. I just love the setting, the characters, the weird dialogue, and the wonderful plot. Please do have fun with this one; I'd love a diary entry about the life after the book is over.

- Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries
This is another show I'm very sad that was cancelled. I just need a fantastic whodunit set in Australia with all the spicy dialogue from the show.

Thank you so much, author! You've made my day, whatever you write!

A week to go....

2016-05-28T22:36:25Z

I never have anything to say

2015-10-27T01:57:14Z

So it's been a very long time since my last update. Nothing new to report. I continue to be single and lonely, with no real friendships except one or two very close ones. I have some big plans for next summer (that I will probably detail in a separate post) and I've lost some weight and overall, life isn't unbearable. Except when it is.

I do read you all everyday even though I rarely comment. Sorry that I'm always so quiet.

About Me

2015-07-07T20:17:43Z

BASICS

THE BIG STUFF
Dezi (they/them)
30 Dec 1985
Denmark

INTERESTS
Feminism
Foreign Languages
Queer/LGBT Issues
Sports
Politics

HOBBIES
Movies
Travelling
Tennis
Football/Soccer

SORTING/TESTS/IDENTIFIERS
Capricorn
INFP
Enneagram type 7: the enthusiast
Gender= Femme-ish nonbinary.
Sexuality= Pansexual.

FAVOURITES

FANDOMS
The Lord of the Rings
Måneskin
Vikings
Inception

BOOKS/AUTHORS
The Great Gatsby by F Scott Fitzgerald
The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy by JRR Tolkien
I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith
John Le Carré
Agatha Christie
Ngaio Marsh

MOVIES
The Lord of the Rings trilogy
Dogma
Snatch
The Losers
GoldenEye
all Daniel Craig James Bond films
The Brothers Bloom
Argo

TELEVISION SERIES
Vikings
Game of Thrones
Breaking Bad
Peaky Blinders
Come Dine with Me

ARTISTS/BANDS
Måneskin
Fall Out Boy
Arctic Monkeys
Rammstein
The Doors
Mumford & Sons
Adele
Hozier
Shakira

MUSIC GENRES
Alternative Rock & Rock
Indie
Post-Rock
Pop
Hip-hop/rap

SPORTS
Tennis
Football (soccer)

SPORTS TEAMS
Bayern-München(football)
Sheffield United (football)
Olympique Lyonnais (football)
Die Deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft (The German national football team)
JFA Mens & Women's (Japan Football Association)
Selección de fútbol de Argentina (Argentina's national football team)

ATHLETES
literally anyone who has played in the fussball-bund for Germany
Roger Federer

FOODS
Asian cuisines, especially Japanese and Chinese
breakfast foods
berries

DRINKS
Hot tea
White wine
Sparkling/mineral waters
Gin

MISC
Twitter: @snuggledeath
Tumblr: sdmwrites
Instagram: themazeballet

Zed

2015-04-30T20:39:15Z

So we have come to the end of the great blogging experiment. I am a terrible blogger. Of course, this month has hit me with the worst news ever: that I will not have a job at the end of the year. So I've been very maudlin. I still have no idea where my life will be heading or what I'll be doing this time next year. I have some options, but nothing really concrete.

I shall see. We shall see. Thanks for your visits, for those of you who visited. I would love to do this again, actually. It really helped me focus.

Yes

2015-04-30T20:16:13Z

a series of haikus

i want to say yes
to so many diff'rent things
but can only wait

yes is a word i
very rarely get to say:
dare i dream today?

this month has been hard
so many dreams deferred and
so many tears shed

Xenophobia

2015-04-28T21:26:44Z

What is xenophobia, really
but an irrational desire
to claim the only true life
is your own?

What is it, really, but
never leaving your house
never leaving your land
and insisting that the way
you see life is the way it is?

And when 'they' finally come
your vision is destroyed
but not before you destroy them
first.

Waiting and Wednesdays

2015-04-27T21:38:00Z

Tomorrow is another job interview. It's not the job I want but I do need work. I wish the other job would call me. I want it so badly. I've called them a few times but I don't need to bother them.

I've taken a sick day on Wednesday. I'm getting so tired and my students are so awful. I miss my students last year. Oh well. Nostalgia, really.

Variations on a Theme

2015-04-25T21:26:16Z

If I could sum up my life so far in one word, it would be: disappointing. Disappointment? Disillusionment? I have not had a single good thing happen in my life ever. There have been happy 'moments' in my life, but in general the overall trajectory of my life has been a series of stupid mistakes, bad decisions, and failure. I guess I was never meant to amount to anything, anyway.

Unique

2015-04-25T00:48:17Z

As an only child, I am the only combination of my parents that there will ever be. My parents are also divorced so there is definitely nobody that will ever be like me. I feel like somehow this is important, but there are so many other only children in this world that I'm unsure why I should feel special.

I don't understand siblings. They've always mystified me. Their relationships are forced by the mere fact of being related to one another and nothing else. But it must be very nice to have someone to contact other than your parents when something has gone wrong...but only if your relationship has survived the travails of life.

Travel

2015-04-23T21:41:07Z

I've been travelling my entire life. I've visited every continent except Antarctica. I would love to visit one day but I'm also aware of the ecological impact of too many tourists to fragile ecosystems like Antarctica.

My favourite places to live/travel are definitely all in Europe. I love France and I LOVE London, but I also love The Netherlands. I'm learning Swedish because I would love to go and just be able to chat in Swedish with people.

I think my love of travel and my love of language is intertwined. I see much more of a country when I've learned the language. It's one of the reasons I've learned so many and want to learn more.

Superpower

2015-04-22T23:57:44Z

There are two superpowers that I wish I had: invisibility and time travel. Sometimes I wish I were magical like in Harry Potter as well, but I've always wanted to be invisible or travel through time. Mostly I want to travel forward to a point in time of my choosing. Mostly because I am very rarely happen in the when and where I am now. Invisibility because I want to go places where women are either not allowed or unwelcome and just see what it's not like not to be noticed for my perceived sex.

Reason

2015-04-21T21:39:51Z

I think I'm a reasonable person, for all meanings of the word 'reasonable'. The only thing I'm pretty unreasonable about is my very, very liberal/progressive political stance. I'm unreasonable about things like universal health-care and pro-choice rights and LGBT equality. If that makes me an awful person, then I am an awful person.

I am so very tired of living in the South, in America. It's...pretty wearing everyday to hear about the evil liberals who want to...I don't know...give people rights? I'm a little in the dark on how we're bad people for wanting more rights for people.

If I sound a little...pedantic about this, it's because most of the things I want are pretty standard issue in most 'developed' countries. Perhaps it's because the USA doesn't like to take advice. We are an 'exceptional' nation...

(And no, I don't like Hilary Clinton, but I suppose I don't have any choice. I don't think any of the ten Republican possible candidates are pro universal healthcare.)

Questions (Frequently Asked)

2015-04-20T22:20:16Z

Here are the top five questions I am constantly asked by students or new people or just, in general.

Where are you from?
- I was born in Texas. I've lived all over the world.

What ARE you?
- My mum is German and my father is Black American. Hence me.

How many tattoos do you have?
- I've got nine. I want more.

How many languages do you speak?
- Seven, four fluently. I want to speak 12 fluently.

Are you married/do you have kids?
These come back to back, so I'm counting them as one. No and no.

There are plenty more, but those are the ones that I get the most.

Progress (?)

2015-04-18T22:37:26Z

I don't make new years' resolutions, and I tried to do the 101 in 1001, but I already know that I won't make any of that. I'm so terrible at sticking to goals. I'm just as fat as I've ever been, I oscillate between biting/not-biting nails, and I'm just...a lazy, stupid, fat, awful person. Sorry. I know you're supposed to be all positive about your life, no matter what, but I can't do that and be honest about it.

Offers and Opportunities

2015-04-18T22:27:05Z

I'm very overwhelmed by work, and what happens after (when I lose my contract) and then again...I have an interview coming up. I keep breathing, but I'm just not sure. I just am so lost.

Names

2015-04-16T20:42:35Z

My initials are SDS. My first name is Sabrina. It sounds very close to my father's name and I appreciate that. My father and I don't get along very much but I enjoy having a familial connexion.

I have two nicknames: Brina and Dezi. The only person that can use Brina is my mother. I was given Dezi by a one night stand after he found out my middle name. I'm not kidding. I'm not really good at nicknames but I sometimes introduce myself at Dezi or write it as my name.

One of my students has taken to add a 'Y' to my last name and calling me that. It makes me laugh because it's my father's old nickname from the military.

So what's in a name? However you react to it, I suppose.

Music and Melancholy

2015-04-15T23:12:27Z

I hate listening to music out of its place. I can only listen to certain bands in certain countries or I get terrible depressed and fall into a terrible state. Some music can only be listened to whilst walking along streets in a thousand year old city and some can only be listened to on planes or trains. I only listen to NPR in the car in the USA; in England it's Radio 4 in the car (although I've gotten used to listening to Radio 4 at home, but only through podcasts, sometimes live).

Every song puts me straight back to where I heard it last, and sometimes that can cause me to burst into tears. I haven't done that in a while, but you know, things change.

I listen to all sorts of music. If I do have music on, it's usually thematic. I love the Songza playlists for certain times of the day, but I don't listen to it very often. During dinner or in the mornings getting ready at the weekends (if I don't have a podcast to listen to).

I realise I am a strange, strange soul.

Loneliness

2015-04-14T22:06:01Z

I live by myself. I don't spend a lot of time going out nor do I have many hobbies that require me to be around people. I spend the majority of my day around loads of people, mostly teenagers, and I admit I've turned into a bit of a hermit.

I can't say I'm especially lonely as I go about my life. I enjoy silence when I'm at home. I don't listen to music, but at the weekends I listen to a lot of podcasts and try and watch a movie or something.

I realise this makes me sound like a boring homebody but I assure you I am interesting in my head. I can't imagine having to share my space with anyone anymore.

Kindness

2015-04-13T20:36:38Z

I think I am a kind person. I help when I am able to, and I give things from my own possessions if I can. Little acts of kindness go a long way. Last year I paid for someone's Girl Scout cookies. The only reason I remember this is because she started crying. Which kind of freaked me out.

Today at the post office I gave the person in front of me two stamps. I don't use a lot of stamps in my daily life, but I always carry around a book of stamps just in case! Today was a perfect time to use them, I suppose.

Do you do any random acts of kindness? How do you feel after?

Jealousy

2015-04-11T19:03:03Z

"Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have. Envy is when you want what someone else has."

I am not a jealous person. I have nothing to give and therefore nothing anyone would want. I am however a very envious person. I envy people's happiness and their lives on a daily basis. I know it's horrible and an ugly emotion to keep harbouring but I honestly can't help it.

How do you deal with jealousy and envy? How do you keep it from consuming you?

Happiness and Home

2015-04-10T15:25:25Z

I don't think it's much of a secret that I'm terribly unhappy 99% of my life. I think it's because I've never really found a 'home'. By that I mean I've never found a place where I am very, very comfortable.

Well, that's exaggerating. London and Lyon, in England and France respectively, are two places where I can see myself living and creating what I think of as home. Now, I am not sure what that will look like, because I'm not there, but...it's all I can think about. My ever spare daydreaming moment is me in one of those cities, and I will be unhappy until I get there.

I am.

2015-04-10T13:35:07Z

I am not the only person going through the things I am going through right now. I am not the only person having to make the decisions I have to make right now. But I am making them. And I am terrified.

Also, I definitely forgot yesterday so I will go back and put an entry there which will make me feel better. Completion and all that.