"listen jack. there ain't nothin' pointless about this gig."

zombie post

2012-04-28T07:03:03Z

This is the first time in a very, very long time I've not had a paid account. Not having a million icons is killing me (because despite appearances, I still use this LJ for communities on the regular).

I went a-stalking and found my friend Karl's old LJ from 2005, which made me want to go back and read my own old entries. I've had this freaking Livejournal for a decade, you guys. Reading old entries made me really, really miss my Wendy forumite community.

Posting this is kind of yelling into a void at this point, and all of you are over at Facebook anyway, but...just felt compelled to make a post anyway.

GODDAMN IT I wish I could use a different icon...

1981

2011-05-12T14:14:58Z

Goodbye twenties. I thought I was going to enter my thirties kicking and screaming, but instead I'm going to spend a day of quietness and reflection. Oh, and getting a tattoo. Pictures to come...

crickets

2010-08-05T23:55:59Z

dude, prop 8 gets overturned and i am the first person on my friends list to post about it? livejournal IS dead.

anyway, news article: Court Rejects Same-Sex Marriage Ban in California

not like i'm helping it stay alive. did you even know i've been home in ohio for the summer? like for two months? i haven't posted anything about my theses or my summer job or my recent CT scan or anything. oh livejournal, remember the several-posts-a-day days? i don't think i'll ever be that abundant, but i would like to get back to making actual posts and not just facebook status updates. sigh.

but the important thing here is WOO EQUALITY! let's keep it up, america!

goodbye sammy

2010-06-19T04:22:09Z

my dog died yesterday.

my fat little marshmallow puppy with the red eyelashes. the drama queen. sammykins.

she was sick, and my parents had to put her down. nathan and i went over and said goodbye to her. i gave her lots of reiki energy. she let me help her with her pain, but she wouldn't let me help her go naturally. i strongly felt that she was waiting for my brother, who is in ecuador until july.

my parents were going to take her to the vet to be put down, because doing it at home was too expensive, but that sounded too awful so nathan and i took care of it. i left before the guy showed up though. i couldn't handle actually being there.

we'd had her for fifteen years.

she was really, really happy that nathan and i came to see her. i'm so glad i was home to be able to see her one more time.

it's so strange, when a pet dies. when a person dies, and you mourn, you actually end up mourning a whole lot of other things: your own mortality, the loss of potential, whatever. crying for the death of sammy was almost worse because of its simplicity. i'm crying because my dog died. that's it. my dog is dead, and that makes me sad. a clear, blue, shining sadness right in the middle of my heart.

i will miss that fat, spoiled, sweet little dog. she was great. she was really, really great.

cinnamon city

2010-06-04T05:50:46Z

had an amazing first year of grad school. back in ohio for the summer. i've had this strange anxiety ever since i got back. it actually started on the plane. i don't get it. i do feel more than ever that i don't belong in cincinnati. although i have missed the theater scene.

i really need to post more. i'll try to catch up this month. so much stuff has happened.

extra points if you get the reference in my subject title

time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking...

2010-05-12T12:48:28Z

it's the last year of my twenties.

sometimes, the universe gives you little presents.

2010-03-29T05:58:54Z

something truly magical happened to me tonight. i was just living my life, minding my own business, when i get a text message.

"its jango why r u txting elena soo much"

now, i don't know who the fuck jango or elena are, and i certainly haven't been texting either of them.

but they don't know that.

and i saw no reason to tell them.

so i didn't. and then this happened.

i give you: Masterpiece Text Message Theatre.

(i apologize in advance for the use of textspeak. i had to get into character, you know.)

me: Why do u care?

him: bcuz she is my gf!

me: That's not what she told me

him: sulli i will kick ur butt [editor's note: before now i thought jango had been texting an unknown number he'd found in his girlfriend's cell phone, but apparently it was just a case of misdialing! he thinks he's talking to an actual acquaintance!]

me: Why u mad at me u should keep your girl in line
me: She told me you werent talking no more

him: keep my girl in line wtf she told me whaat u said plus u should have lower standards [editor's note: lower standards? what does this even mean?]
him: 2 who

me: Whatever she said shes lying. You know she's a liar cuz of what happened last month [editor's note: this cracked my shit up like no other. i am fucking hilarious]
me: 2 u

him: what happened
him: what

me: u need to ask her. She told me she told you

him: just tell me

me: No she said she was gonna tell you shell be pissed at me if i tell you. You should hear it from her anyway
me: I cant believe she lied to me and said she told you [editor's note: i keep forgetting to type "u" instead of "you!" hope it doesn't give me away!]

him: sull!
him: mayb she did idk tell me!

me: im not getting involved besides youll just get mad at her

him: tell me now

me: look im not gonna snitch so just ask her
me: U dont trust her to tell you the truth do you? I dont blame u

him: like u have a chance u suck butt

me: Yeah ok u just keep telling urself that
me: if I don't have a chance why is elena telling me u 2 arent talking

him: fu pussy wait till football [editor's note: oh shit these people are in high school. and i am twenty-eight years old. THIS IS EVEN MORE HILARIOUS THAN ORIGINALLY THOUGHT]
him: u no what wait till next time i cu
him: talking 2 who

me: 2 u. She said she wasnt talking 2 u anymore
me: Am i supposed to be scared

him: idk u will c if u should

me: Id love to see you try sumthin the next time i see u. U will be sorry

him: ok chubby well c

me: it dont even matter cuz im still gonna text elena and shes still gonna like it and it dont change the fact that she lied to u about it

him: ok she is prob bein nice b cuz that is the only girl u ever talk 2 grow a pair

me: Yes she is very nice to me if u know what i mean

him: ya like ur mom was 2 me

me: Thats weak u cant even come up with sumthin good. Yeah talk about my mom she dont care but ill keep talkin about elena cuz thats real
me: Your girl dont call me chubby. Ask her what she calls me

Then there were three blank messages.

me: Why u sending me blank messages

him: this is jangos brother quit txtin my fone

me: why u mad at me tell him to get off ur fone

him: quit txtin my phone

me: Quit txtin mine

apparently he did because i haven't gotten any since then.

i was literally. rolling. on the ground. with laughter.

i should probably be worried about sulli y/n?

forumites unite!

2010-02-22T00:34:32Z

haikuninja (deadline) is staying with me for the next couple of weeks. any forumites in the NYC area want to do a forumite meetup? also, do you guys realize that we've all been friends for an entire decade?

somebody dig up the full photo that this icon is from!

the patriarchy hurts everyone

2010-02-15T21:50:27Z

in january i googled spas in new jersey, and sent out a bunch of emails letting them know that i was a massage therapist looking to work one day a week. last week i actually got a phone call. i was told that help was needed on valentine's day with couples massage. i got the impression that this was the owner of a spa that employed several therapists (he kept saying "my therapists" like "i expect my therapists to be punctual" and so forth) that had an excess of appointments on that day and needed help the same way retail stores hire seasonal help.

i was super-stoked, but then i forgot that i am not yet licensed in new jersey and freaked out and called back, but the guy said it wasn't a problem and to come in anyway. which should have been my first red flag but i figured that this would serve as a sort of job interview, and if it went well then i'd just pay the fee for the NJ license.

so i go to hoboken. which luckily is a short and inexpensive train ride. i show up about half an hour early. i locate the street. as i'm walking i pass a spa. but it's not the correct address. so i keep walking and pass another spa. still not the right place. i keep walking and finally come to...an apartment building?

there's a sandwich board sign out front with massage prices listed, so i figure it's the right place. i knock. a guy answers with a paint brush in hand. he directs me to the third floor. i get up there and...it's an apartment. a disheveled apartment. there are half-painted walls and furniture every which where. i'm like o_O. so the guy who called me appears. he's wearing rubber dishwashing gloves that are dripping with soap and water. he apologizes for the mess and says that he expected the room to be done yesterday but it just didn't work out.

i am confused because i thought this was supposed to be a spa. but apparently it's a business run out of this guy's home. okay. fine. that's legit.

so then he shows me the massage room. it's a perfectly acceptable room. except that there's only one table set up. and i'm like where's the other table? he says he is going to set it up later. okay. sure.

so then i ask him how many appointments he has today. he says TWO. two? okay. are there going to be other therapists? no. just me. and him. for two appointments.

so now i start to feel suspicious. if all he needed was one other therapist, for only two appointments, why did he feel the need to call some therapist--unlicensed in his state, no less--that he'd never met? doesn't he have other massage therapist friends?

so then he tells me that after the massages, i would give him a massage. which is not an unusual request if you are planning to hire someone, but the way he worded it was "so i can see what you can do." he used that wording more than once. which i admit is not all that bad by itself but when you take everything else into consideration? i started to hear a beeping in my head...

i'm early, and he's clearly busy, so he tells me i should come back in half an hour and directs me to the coffee shop down the street. so i leave. i'm outside of the apartment. and i think, am i going to be able to get out of that apartment again?

which is not a good thought to have. so i call my friend deni who went to massage school with me, and is also a mother of two little girls. i tell her the situation. she says "if you feel uncomfortable enough to call me, then you're uncomfortable enough to leave." and i know she's right. so i walk several blocks away and call the guy back. i tell him that i'm really sorry to leave him hanging, but i don't feel comfortable in the situation, that i thought it was going to be a different environment with more therapists present, and that as a female therapist i can't be too careful and my safety is always first.

he gets pissed. says he doesn't understand. tries to get me to come back. i refuse. he gets angrier. then the signal gets lost on my phone. which i take as the universe's way of saying "quit wasting your time and just leave." so i leave.

while i'm underground on the train, i get a voice mail from the guy. it's all about how upset he is, and he says that he will make sure that i never work in the NJ/NY area ever again. because he knows people.

now i am positive i made the right decision.

i actually went on to have an incredibly pleasant valentine's day, with lunch with a dear friend and a long walk in central park with another, but i'm still bothered. not by his threat of making sure i never work in this town again, because that's just absurd, but by his complete inability to recognize that he was creating a dangerous situation. if he really was legit, and he really wasn't planning on harming me, how fucking stupid is he to expect a woman he just met to be totally okay with being alone with him in his space? i don't know him. i don't know how safe he is. all i know is that i am a woman with very little upper body strength and he is a large man who is trying to convince me to come into his apartment with no one else around but another large man. yeah, right. i hope he does call a female therapist to try to make me look bad and she bitches him out for not being sensitive to the safety concerns of women. male therapists in particular need to be hyper-aware of making women feel uncomfortable and of power dynamics.

what makes it worse is that he tried to make me feel bad for protecting myself. for taking control of the situation. and i almost did feel bad. but i don't. i don't have to apologize to some fucking asshole for trusting my instincts. i don't have to apologize for putting my safety above his poor little feelings. i don't have to apologize for inconveniencing someone who put me in a very inconvenient position.

i'm so glad i left. i'm mad at myself for entering the apartment the first time. i might have saved my own life, and i wish i lived in a world where i didn't have to think that.

i am also pissed that i cut my nails for nothing.

1999 to 2009

2009-12-31T20:49:33Z

stolen from yampowered! i'm feeling introspective this new year's eve, and i think this particular meme will be illuminating.

The 2000s: A Decade in Review (sort of)
* Think back to ten years ago this month.
* Write truthful answers and ELABORATE. This makes it more interesting!
* It's about personal changes. Have fun with it!

Then: December 1999

1. Age: a ripe old 18.

2. Location: living on my own (well, with a roommate) in clifton (a university neighborhood in cincinnati ohio).

3. Romantic Status: oh christ. i was in love with The Ex. you know the one. i'm fairly certain he wasn't seeing anyone else at this particular time, but i could be wrong. despite our rather complicated relationship, i was officially single. i may have been seeing that weirdo that was six (or was it eight?) years older than me at this time, but that wasn't really a relationship.

4. Occupation: blockbuster video, baby! i bussed my ass across town because i lived in clifton but my store was in price hill. i can't believe i did that shit.

5. Fun Night Out: i had a lot of fun nights that year. first year out of my parents' house, what what? but i've never been a huge party person. i'm pretty sure that was the time, before i moved, that i got grounded for staying out all night. it may have been 1998 but who's counting? anyway i went to a party which was very rare for me and i spent the whole time making out with this ridiculously hot guy that i barely spoke to before or after.
i also rang in 2000 in new york city! that was a crazy whirlwind time!
but the best time i had in 1999 was undoubtably woodstock '99. yeah there was a riot, and yeah everything was overpriced, but i still had the greatest time of my life. maybe even to this day.

6. BFFs: my bestie sara, who was my roommate at the time. alonso. katie fresh. emily. my beloved crew: ethan, tyrell, stuart, adrian, sean (remember those times, dadadavida?), and rachel (she was still pretty cool in 1999! 2000 was her crazy year). i don't talk to any of those people any more, which makes me very sad. i actually cut sara off forever in 2005. alonso got weird and mean. rachel got crazy. ethan started smoking too much pot. everybody else sort of drifted away. i miss those people.

7. I Spent Too Much Time: trying to get the attention of certain boys. sigh.

8. I Spent Too Little Time: uh...i don't know about this one. maybe cleaning. i never did the dishes and my roommate probably would have killed me if i hadn't been her best friend.

9. When I Grew Up I Wanted To Be: a writer of course!

10. What Concerned Me: oh man i was a fucking spazmotron back in those days. i mean i'm a bit on edge now but i was totally out of control in those days. what DIDN'T concern me? i worried about paying rent. buying groceries. if i was ever going to have enough money to go to college. but mostly i worried about my love life. i was eighteen, what can i say.

11. What Should Have Concerned Me: if i had been any more concerned about any more aspects of my life, i would have died of a heart attack. i guess i could have eaten better. but shit, i had an 18-year-old's metabolism!

12. Dumbest Thing I Did: i've always been a pretty cautious person. i can't remember anything particularly cringe-worthy from 1999 specifically. i do sort of wish i never made out with stan, because it gave him power to hurt me, but i don't really regret it or think it was gigantically stupid.

13. If I Could Go Back In Time I Would Tell Myself: everything's going to be okay, and one day it will actually be beautiful. don't feel ashamed for crying and don't be afraid to be proud of yourself. success is different than your idea of it.

14. Picture Of Me Then: placeholder! i'll scan some pics in later.

Now: December 2009

1. Age: 28. late twenties aaagh

2. Location: i am writing this in norwood (a suburb of cincinnati ohio), in the home i share with my boyfriend and four cats. but for the past three months and for the next year and a half, i live in astoria, queens, new york city, in a fantastic little basement studio.

3. Romantic Status: i just celebrated my nine-year anniversary with my lovely, sweet, supportive, wonderful boyfriend nathan (aka the_hiddenlevel). we're long-distance for the second time in our relationship but we can totally handle it.

4. Occupation: full-time graduate student at tisch school of the arts at NYU. i'm also a massage therapist although i'm not working at the moment. hopefully i'll be able to work one day a week doing massage next year.

5. Fun Night Out: my friend nic and i got lottery tickets to see ragtime! we were right in the front row and let me tell you, it was one hell of a show.
i will also throw in opening night of my play in may, and closing night of the fringe fest when the same play won pick of the fringe. good times!

6. BFFs: it's lame to say your significant other is your best friend, because obviously they are, but he really is. i also spend a great deal of time either hanging out with or texting nic, who is in my grad program. and even though i hardly ever see or talk to her, i still consider caityface to be my bestie.

7. I Spend Too Much Time: oh internet. you eat my time like so many pringles. lately i spend too much time trying to structure lyrics. i need to just chill out!

8. I Spend Too Little Time: sleeping. i average about three hours a night. grad school is rough, y'all! fortunately i am on vacation at this exact moment so i've been sleeping until i wake up! it's amazing!

9. When I Grow Up I Want To Be: a writer of course! and an acupuncturist.

10. What Concerns Me: i'm not the spaz of ten years ago, but i still worry way too much. i have more confidence than ever in my writing, but i still ask if i'm good enough. i worry about where i'll end up after this program is over. if i'll be able to pay off my student loans. if i'll be able to afford acupuncture school. if i'll be able to get a massage job next year. if i'll have enough money to keep me in my apartment through the summer. if my grandmother's health is okay. if my cat will ever get used to the two new cats. if i'll have to take my former crazy roommate to court for my security deposit. and more than anything, i worry about my weight. there's more but this is getting kind of long.

11. What Should Concern Me: i should probably be concerned that i gossip so much, but i kind of love that about me. i swear it's going to come around and bite me sooner or later.

12. Dumbest Thing I've Done Recently: i didn't take pictures of the apartment i got kicked out of before i left. dumb dumb dumb!

13. When The Me From 10 Years Later Comes Back To Talk To Me She Will Say: everything's going to be okay, and one day it will actually be beautiful. don't feel ashamed for crying and don't be afraid to be proud of yourself. success is different than your idea of it.

14. Picture Of Me Now: coming soon!

Summary:

1. What I Miss Most From 1999: my friends, as mentioned above. i miss hanging out in my loft, drinking sobe, listening to radiohead and beck with my friends.

2. What I Miss Least From 1999: that shitty blockbuster job

3. What I've Accomplished In 10 Years That I'm Most Proud Of: i always stayed true to my dreams and my goals, even when it seemed like it was totally pointless. i maintained a happy, healthy relationship. when i said i was going to do something, i fucking did it and usually excelled. i wouldn't have said this last year, but i am pretty pleased with how my life is unfolding and the things i am accomplishing. not to be cheesy and cliché but, being proud of myself is the thing i'm most proud of.

4. What I Haven't Accomplished In 10 Years, But Wish I Had: if 18 year old skizzy knew that 28 year old skizzy still hadn't been published, she would have died of shame. so uh, i'd like to get on that sometime soon.

illuminating indeed. i haven't changed much yet i've changed dramatically. i'd really love to go back in time and just watch myself. just to observe, from a ten-years-older perspective, what i believed and how i behaved. i don't know if i'd laugh or cry.

happy, happy new year. i mean it this time.

2009-12-31T19:27:57Z

if you'd asked me this time last year where i'd be this year, i would have been so fucking far off the mark. i was expecting to have started my own massage business by now. i thought i would be starting the process to write the fringe festival play for this year's ETC interns. i thought i would be applying to acupuncture schools.

but i'm not doing any of those things. which would be very sad, except that i'm doing something fucking awesome instead.

2009 was astonishingly good to me, and i'm a little sorry to see it go. i didn't post much this year because i was crazy fucking busy. the whole year. i started out the year writing a play that turned out pretty damn good. at the same time i was studying like a maniac for my state board test for massage and that turned out pretty damn good too.

and then this happened. and i found myself dropping everything and running off to new york city to do what i've always wanted to do. and it has also kept me crazy fucking busy.

2008 skizzy would have never guessed she'd have a year filled with so many dreams coming true.

this year also had it's fair amount of shitty stuff. do you realize that i've moved three times in the past three months? my dad lost his job. my grandfather died. michael jackson died.

but overall, 2009, you were pretty great. so many changes. i went from box office girl to real playwright. from frazzled massage student to licensed massage therapist. from the owner of two cats to the owner of four. from cohabitator to LDR. from "okay what now?" to grad student. from ohio to new york.

i'm starting 2010 the same way i started 2009: in cincinnati, with my boyfriend, having a quiet night at home. i'll miss you, 2009. but i'm feeling pretty good about 2010. it's been a long time since i felt this confident, content, and creative at the start of a new year. i hope it lasts. i'm really really going to try to post more next year, which is the closest thing to a new year's resolution you'll get out of me.

happy 2010, my friends. let's rock this decade out.

pass!

2009-12-24T15:44:24Z

i passed the national massage test! i am a nationally licensed massage therapist!

that test was stupid-easy. no wonder certain states want their own test; it makes for stronger candidates.

although i still can't practice in new york state. but i can practice in new jersey! i'm going to try to get a job next semester.

but for now: packing. i get to spend a glorious ten days at home in cincinnati with my boy and my cats. i need a break. i desperately need a break. i just have to live through the drive home with my parents...

LUCKY NUMBER NINE

2009-12-14T15:20:00Z

today nathan and i have been together for nine years. NINE YEARS, WHOA

happy anniversary, the_hiddenlevel! you're great to put up with me for so long. it must be love!

light at the end of the tunnel

2009-12-14T04:59:55Z

i only have one more lyric to write and then i won't have any more writing for the rest of the semester! which means i can focus on studying for my national massage exam which i have scheduled for dec 24.

maybe, just maybe i'll be able to do normal-people things again, like eating meals and going to sleep and posting to my livejournal. for a couple of weeks anyway...

EXODUS

2009-12-06T00:51:49Z

first of all: i was running around outside without a coat on yesterday and today it is SNOWING so fuck you too, weather monster. but it does give me an excuse to wear my adorable new snow boots so there's that.

OKAY buckle down with a nice warm cup of cocoa and put on your snuggie, because this is going to be a bit of a tale.

soooooo, remember how my bitchface roommate kicked me out for no reason? and remember how i found a new apartment but i wasn't going to move in until early december because my life is really really hectic and i didn't have time to move, and also i had until december 15th according to my sublet agreement? yeah? remember all that? of course you do because i just helpfully linked you.

okay so two days--TWO DAYS Y'ALL--after i got that apartment, i'm sitting in my room at the other place (hereafter referred to as bitchville). i'd just taken a shower. something you should know about the shower is that the curtains do not go all the way to the floor. they barely clear the side of the tub. also they are made out of cloth, not plastic. it's dumb. when i viewed the apartment there was a plastic curtain, but when i moved in they were cloth, and i pointed out to my bitchface roommate that that was not an ideal curtain arrangement, but she said it wasn't a big deal. okay whatever. only after the other roommate moved in, she pointed out that the floor (which was carpeted for some reason) would get really wet after anyone showered. NOTE: ANYONE.

so anyway i just took a shower and i was sitting in my room doing one of the six billion things i had to do when i am interrupted by a BANGING on my door. in retrospect i shouldn't have even answered it. but i did. it's bitchface. she's accusing me of flooding the bathroom on purpose. i told her it wasn't my fault; they aren't my shower curtains. she said she was going to call the landlord because she "wasn't going to be responsible for any damage." i was like whatevs, i'm busy, and was going to leave it at that but then she demanded that i move my stuff from the kitchen.

more backstory: she had told me via email (AFTER the kick-out, bee-tee-dubs) to move my stuff from the kitchen counter into the cabinet. i refused, mostly because the cabinets? are fucking packed to the gills with her shit. i discovered that when i did groceries and tried to put stuff away. no room, so i tucked everything into a neat little corner on the counter. totally out of the way. so i replied to the email that the stuff would move when i moved, and not to touch it.

so she's telling me to move the stuff again because she "needs to cook." i really wish i had taken a picture of my stuff on that counter, because it could not have been any more out of the way. so i reiterate that it will move when i move, and not to touch it. she protests. i tell her in no uncertain terms not to touch my shit, and then i close the door on her. she threatens to call the police (my actual response: "bitch please"), bangs on my door a second time, then apparently leaves.

so, review: my crazy-ass roommate has just threatened me over daring to have my belongings in public view, in an apartment for which i pay rent. the whole situation suddenly took on an aura of UNSAFE.

i just start texting people like it was my job. first i text almost every single male in my program like NEED TO MOVE RIGHT NOW I'M TOTALLY NOT KIDDING. then i text one of the guys, jake, that lives a block away from bitchville and ask him to come over and just be a presence. he's like ON IT and zips right over. i also text my mom (my text: "mom, my roommate is threatening me. i am sad and scared. i want my mommy"), who calls me immediately. her advice? "get your blender, sarah. go in that kitchen and get your blender." which was very nice advice in that it was both helpful and strangely comforting.

i have jake come with me into the kitchen to get my stuff. he looks around the kitchen and asks "where's the stuff she's mad about?" i point it out to him: it's literally two boxes of cereal, two sets of tupperware bowls stacked atop each other, and a jar of honey. i am not lying. jake actually laughs. it is nice to have another person's affirmation that bitchface is, indeed, totally barking mad.

jake sticks around for a little while, being manly and so forth, while i start getting a rather touching outpouring of text replies. folks are all like ON MY WAY. so i just start packing my shit. jake kindly takes a few of my things to his house (including the aforementioned blender). nichole shows up and we keep packing my shit. tyrone shows up and joins in. vince shows up and joins in. then nathan shows up.

oh, did i mention that this was the day nathan was arriving to spend the week with me? i was supposed to pick him up at the airport but i had him take a cab (one of the nice things about living in astoria: very cheap, quick cab rides to the airport. take that, FinDist!). so the poor guy literally shows up at my door (after working third shift the night before), gets a brief hug and kiss, and is instructed to grab what he can of my stuff and get moving. so there's my boyfriend, three of my classmates, and I, with nearly all of my belongings strapped to our backs, walking through astoria, queens. rock and roll, i guess.

there is one person in my entire program, counting both years, that has a car. i text him, saying i wouldn't ask normally but this is an emergency. he had tickets to a show that night, but promised to show up afterwards. and show up he did, after my earlier crew had finished moving all the smaller, lighter items and gone home. it's freaking midnight and this guy who isn't even in my year shows up with his car, absolutely no complaints, and helps me move my bed and other heavy things.

i get by with a little help from my friends.

i like to say that this was the best terrible experience i've ever had, because this could have gone down much, much, MUCH worse. if this had happened thanksgiving weekend, most of my friends would have been out of town and been unable to help. it could have rained. i was damn, damn lucky to have gotten an apartment just TWO DAYS before, not to mention in walking distance.

so. that happened. and now i'm in my new apartment. which i fucking love, by the way. i mean, it's small. i haven't any kitchen necessities like plates. and, hugely, i haven't internet, which is why it's taken me so long to post this (i'm at school at the mo). but I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY STONE-COLD BITCHES SO IT'S A FUCKING PALACE.

i'm going home in less than a month for (a painfully short) winter break, and i'll bring some house stuff back with me. i'll hook up some internet soon. it's just a matter of waiting, like everything else about my living situations have been ever since i set foot back in this city.

i never thought i would be living alone again. as much as i love living with nathan, there is just something indescribably wonderful about solitary living. i miss nathan, i miss my cats, but i intend to enjoy this rare flavor of having my very own apartment while i can.

i'm gonna get a couch next month! i'm looking forward to your visit (yes, i am looking at you!)!

moving right along

2009-11-22T12:11:17Z

i have an apartment!

it's a basement studio in a private home, all utilities included. so ultimately i'll be paying about the same as i am here. and i get to stay in the neighborhood! which is great because astoria is pretty perfect for my needs.

it's basically just a very large kitchen with a bathroom and a closet, but it's MINE ALL MINE and i don't have to share it with any crazy bitches. i'm going to try to move my stuff in some time this week or next, if i can find someone in my program with a car to help me transport my bed.

i hope to get a little couch when my next loan check comes in january, in case anybody wants to come visit. nudge wink!

i'm actually having a pretty good week despite all the ridiculousness. i got the apartment on thursday. i was originally going to see it on friday, but the email i got back said "if the apartment is still available then you can see it" which sent me into panic-mode. so i said thursday, and when i saw that the apartment was the right price, in the right neighborhood, and decently-sized, i wrote a deposit check right that second. i don't have time to search for an apartment, i'm sure the landlady doesn't have time to search for a tenant, so i was like "let me do us both a favor and end our searches now." she was thrilled.

i've also seen some fabulous theater lately. girl crazy at encores (which was STUPID but lots of fun), in the next room or the vibrator play (which was not stupid and very moving) and possibly the greatest thing i have ever seen: TALK LIKE SINGING which is this japanese musical about a guy who can't talk, only sing, and can't move, only dance. i am obsessed. i am rarely so deeply affected by a piece of theater. i can only remember crying that hard at madam butterfly, only with talk like singing i was also laughing hysterically at the same time. that, my friends, is a fucking difficult thing to do to an audience member.

speaking of doing difficult things to audience members, i totally sang in lab the other day. i've sang in front of my class before, but never in a lab, which is a much more formal setting than the other times i've had to sing. i'm always a little weird about singing. it comes from having a squeak-voice, but mostly from growing up with a speech impediment. it makes you self-conscious about forms of expression involving voice. my collaborator talked me into singing somehow, and it went surprisingly okay. people actually told me i should sing more often, and no one left the room with bleeding ears. so: exceeded expectations!

my pleasant week is about to get even better, for nathan my nathan is flying in today to spend the week with me! we are going to run around new york city and pretend like i don't have huge piles of work to do over the thanksgiving break. it will be unproductively delightful!

i'm up early to try to get a jump on it all. a vacation, especially in a program as grueling as this one, needs to be A VACATION, you know? I'M GOING TO RELAX GODDAMMIT

queens is a royal mess

2009-11-07T17:24:02Z

so, i'm being kicked out of my apartment.

because i never have time to post, none of you have been privvy to the roommate issues i've been having. so i'll tell you now.

the apartment i moved into is a three-bedroom. there is one person's name on the lease. she's been living here for over five years. the walls are painted the colors she wants them. every common space--the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom--is filled with her stuff. the pictures on the walls are of her family members. that sort of thing.

i keep to myself around here. i'm way, way too busy to even be home most of the time, and the few times i am at home i'm either drenched in work or i'm catching some very rare sleep. so i really don't care what the rest of the apartment looks like, as long as my stuff gets left alone. in the bathroom, i put a bottle of lotion on the sink. just that.

every day, every single day for the first two weeks i live here, i go in the bathroom and find that my lotion has been moved. every day i put it back. every day it gets moved yet again.

it wasn't just the lotion. other items of mine--and there are very very few--kept finding new homes. not huge moves, but they were still moves. the final straw was when my TOOTHBRUSH of all things got moved. i live here too, you know? i pay rent. i am just as allowed to decide where things belong as she does. if i want my bottle of lotion on the sink, then it fucking goes on the sink.

as i mentioned, i'm never home so i never see either one of these girls, so i left a note on the dry-erase board on the refrigerator. it said, exactly: "i would appreciate it if you asked me before you moved my stuff. thanks. sarah." it didn't say DON'T TOUCH my stuff. it didn't even say DON'T MOVE my stuff. it just said to fucking ask before they moved it.

so later that day i'm in ikea with my friend, and i start getting all these text messages from my roommate. she's PISSED that i left a note. she's decided that leaving a note is very rude (which, i believe it says a lot about you as a person if you think it is rude to be told that you are being rude. that whole turning the situation around on the other person is very manipulative and gross). i'm like, do you want me to come knocking at your door at 2am? cuz that's the only time i'm home. she starts ranting about how she did me a favor for clearing off a shelf for me when i moved in (which, two things: clearing off a shelf for someone when they move in is not A FAVOR. it is COMMON FUCKING COURTESY. also, what the hell did clearing off a shelf have to do with her moving my stuff? nothing!) and gets all kind of irate and i'm like, you need to chill the fuck out. all i'm saying is to ask before you move my stuff, which is not a large request. it's basic roommate etiquette.

so i'm like "my roommate's a psycho but whatevs i'm never home so i'll just plan to move next semester." and i go on with my extremely busy life.

at one point she comes knocking on my door when i am actually, miraculously home. but i am in the middle of a collaboration and my collaborator keeps calling me and i tell her that if the phone rings, i have to answer it. she sits on the floor and asks me how the apartment is working out. i say "well, i'm never home..." and then the phone rings. it's actually a short little question and i try to motion to her that i'll be done very shortly, but she says "no, forget it, i'm tired" and leaves. i shrug and move on.

besides that short exchange, the only contact i've really had with her is saying goodbye if she happens to be around as i'm rushing out the door. an email about the electric bill (which i pay on time). that's it.

so, i'm mostly just annoyed by her control-freaky ways but i figure that we don't cross paths enough for it to be more than a little blip on the radar.

oh, how wrong i was. so i get up on tuesday morning and in my email is this:

"I have tried to reach out to you several times by email, in person and phone. I'd hope we could sort out what I hoped was miscommunication, but at this point I'm afraid we're not working as roommates. As per my sublet agreement, I am giving you 6 weeks to find a new place, which is until December 15th. Cindy and I will begin searching for a roommate and showing the place in 2-3 weeks. Cindy and I certainly wish you the best in finding a place that works well for you. Good luck!"

what else can i do but laugh?

cindy, by the way, is the other roommate. she's been relatively benign. she has a really lovely cat that i will miss.

i'm amused by the lie of her trying to "reach out" to me "several times." i'm especially amused by the fact that she is so outraged that i wouldn't bend to her will, over such a tiny thing, that she is willing to throw me out of the house over it. i mean, really? what kind of a maniac throws someone out because they asked them to use common courtesy?

so now i have to look for a new apartment, as though i had time for that. i was planning to move anyway, which is part of the reason why i can just laugh at this, but i was hoping to be able to look during winter break and move at the beginning of the semester when the schedule isn't so hectic. but no. time's a-ticking.

i would really like to move into a studio so i won't ever have to deal with roommate bullshit again, but my credit isn't so great (for reasons that aren't even my fault but that's a whole other story) so i'm afraid i won't get approved. what i need to do is move into some studio in a basement owned by people who just want some extra income and won't check my credit. there are a few of those floating around craigslist and i hope to grab one. my classmate is also looking to move, so i might get a two-bedroom with her. if i have to live with people, i'd rather live with someone in my program who understands my ridiculous schedule.

i'm mostly just annoyed that i have yet another thing on my to-do list. i really shouldn't even be writing this now; i have six lyrics and a short play due this week. apartment hunting is very draining. but i gotta do what i gotta do.

i don't need your concern, mr. racist

2009-10-18T13:39:30Z

i am obsessed with this story

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091015/ap_on_re_us/us_interracial_rebuff

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/10/17/interracial.marriage/index.html?iref=topnews

seriously fuck this guy

graddy graddy grad

2009-09-30T11:19:50Z

Apparently in grad school, sleep doesn't exist. True fact!

I updated lizardscrawls with all my recent work. But it's friendslocked! So friend that journal if you wantsta read anything. It's just some short little songs. Feel free to comment. Oh, and I finally updated to S2 and got tags and stuff so everything's easier to find. It's all sorted by genre and by school. Nifty eh?

So, I guess I'm updating using proper capitalization. What the fuck? Grad school has made me go all Hollywood on y'all.

I'm a little punchy from not sleeping so I'm gonna end this entry here for now. Byeeeee

this desert life

2009-09-26T03:03:39Z

so, turns out i was wrong. i sat down with the head of my program and was like "i can't post anything? really? REEEEEAAAAAALLLYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!" and she pretty much said that as long as whatever i posted was only about me and my experience in the program, i can post. and i can probably still talk about even more stuff in locked entries. i am TOTALLY COMPLETELY EXPLICITLY NOT allowed to post ANYTHING about my teachers, especially not direct quotes. i am fairly certain i will be dragged outside and shot if i post a direct quote.

i will say that apparently some of my teachers are famous in the musical theater world. so that's pretty awesome.

i'm going to start posting some of my work in lizardscrawls, but i'm going to lock them for as long as i'm actually in the program, so if you want to read my lyrics, feel free to friend that journal and i will be sure to add you back.

i am disgustingly busy. i go to school and then go to sleep. except for the parts where i'm doing school-related work. remember when i said i was going to try to get a massage job on the weekends? uh...i don't think that will be happening. i might be able to do one day a week. but there's no way i can do two and not go crazy.

it's good work though. i love every single one of my classes. LOVE.

what i don't love is my living situation. yes, it is very nice to be off the couch in brooklyn. and YES i am delighted to have a door to close and a space to call my own.

BUT, stupid NYU has still not sent me my loan check, so i am nearly out of money. which means i haven't been able to buy a bed yet. which means i've been sleeping on my roommate's air mattress. which doesn't inflate all the way.

also, this is a first floor apartment. so my window is right by the street. which means that it sounds like the people talking outside are IN my bedroom. i try to turn on the air conditioner to drown out the noise, but then the air conditioner is too loud. also it gets really cold.

i haven't been sleeping well, if you couldn't tell.

it's kind of absurd, trying to live this way. i haven't really settled in yet, and i've been here almost a month. all of my clothes are still in bags on the floor because i don't have hangers or dresser drawers. my back is totally fucked up, partially from moving but mostly from sleeping on this damn mattress. most significant is my lack of workspace. i'm typing this sitting on a pillow on the floor, leaning against the wall of my room. it's not comfortable and it's certainly not easy writing the billions of assignments i have to write.

but i keep telling myself that it will get better soon. soon i will have a bed. soon i will buy a desk. soon i will go home to cincinnati and get my comfy chair and my television and all my stuff that makes my room mine, and everything will be easier. right? right?

moving day

2009-09-20T18:54:47Z

i am about to move all my stuff from brooklyn to queens!

...on the subway...

...by myself!

um, yay?

nobody puts baby in a corner

2009-09-15T00:46:28Z

oh shit patrick swayze died

i am Swayze Crazy For Life!

i hope caity is taking the news okay. caityface! my heart goes out to you!

road house was one of the greatest movies ever and don't you forget it. ever.

homeless no more

2009-09-09T04:17:11Z

ah yes, i forgot to mention: i have a place to live!

i try not to attribute things to fate, but sometimes it's hard not to.

i had been looking at craigslist just about every day, but i'd already made the decision not to contact any of the ads until i knew my loan was going to go through (which i still don't know). but sunday morning i popped online just to do an email check and randomly decided to do a quick craigslist scan.

one of the first postings was for this room in astoria, queens. which is exactly where i wanted to live because there are trains that take me right to school and right to new jersey for when i get a massage job. the price was right. laundry across the street. two female roommates my age. two cats. cable and internet. no smoking. it seemed too perfect to pass up, so i sent an email.

five minutes later, no lie, i get a phone call. they want me to come see the apartment that day!

so i go up there. it's a lovely neighborhood with grannies in lawn chairs all over the place. the laundromat is honestly truly directly across the street. the cats like me right away. the girls like me right away, and i like them. one of them is a vegetarian! they had other people scheduled to look at the room, but they cancelled them and offered me the place.

too perfect! well, there are some imperfections. the bathroom is hella old and kind of weird (it has carpet! CARPET). the room only has one small window. it is a strange hospital green so i will need to paint. and i can't move in right away. i'll be couching it for at least ten more days, possibly even until october 1.

but it's okay, because i have a place to live. deposit down and sublet agreement signed. now keep your fingers crossed that i get the freaking loan to pay for it all...

shhhhhh

2009-09-09T04:01:07Z

last night i was going to post an entry about what i did at school that day, but i was too tired and was going to do it later. this morning i finished reading the program orientation packet. turns out there are explicit rules against posting anything about the program, students, or teachers on the internet! so, good thing i didn't.

this is going to be extremely difficult for me. true, i don't post all that often, but seriously? i can't post anything?! this program is basically going to eat my life for the next two years; am i honestly barred from posting about my life for the next TWO WHOLE YEARS? really?

i thought about just posting locked entries, but i decided against it. because really, i have been given a full scholarship. this program is basically a gift to me. i don't want to disrespect that gift by not following the rules.

so...no posts about school. i'd be happy to tell you all about it in a phone call or something, but no lj entries. or facebook status updates (i totally had one up already. i freaked out after i read the rules and deleted it post-haste). how the hell am i going to manage that kind of self-restraint?!

but i can say that i decided not to worry so much about my scholarship. i figured that people are probably going to find something to judge me about anyway, so it might as well be for something awesome. i decided to bring it up if it came up in conversation, and let things fall where they may. at this point, i've told four classmates. i got a very positive reaction from three of them. the fourth girl not so much. but i can't control how people react to me or my situation. i feel much better about the whole thing.

plus, i've gotten a chance to show my work, and everyone responded pretty well, so i feel like the pressure is off to prove myself. i do know i belong here. and i'm ready to work.

even though i'm not allowed to say anything about the students, i will say that everybody in my program seems like they are very, very talented and i am looking forward to working with all of them over the next two years (and hopefully beyond).

first day of skoo

2009-09-03T05:08:01Z

i kind of want to cry.

today was the first day of school. i was HALF AN HOUR LATE because i went to the wrong building. and then i went to another wrong building. and then another. and then i found the right one. but i showed up in the middle of introductions and the second i walked in they had gotten to the row i had just sat in, so it was my turn. i was like 'what? are we doing introductions? i just got lost and i'm on the verge of tears." i actually said that. they let me wait until the end which was nice.

but then after that we had a mixer, and so, so many people were going on and on about how hard the application process was, and how much money the program costs. i just sat there quietly. i was already planning on keeping my scholarship on the downlow, but now i REALLY want to keep it hush-hush. what are they going to say when they found out that i didn't even apply? that i was pretty much just handed this thing that they all worked for months to get?

i do believe that i belong there. i truly believe i earned this scholarship and that my work is good enough for this program. but i just feel that if i reveal myself as a scholarship student, i'm going to be scrutinized and judged that much more harshly by the other students.

it's going to be really hard to keep it under wraps, though. it's a huge part of my life that i only found out six weeks ago that i was doing this program. it's shaping everything i do and how i'm living. all of them found out six MONTHS ago that they were coming. so they all have apartments and jobs and have been living their new york lives for at least a week or more. i am the only one living on a couch.

also, i was asked several times why i wasn't at the applicants' weekend in march. i was like what the hell is applicants' weekend? turns out they all had to come in march and do this really intense writing/collaboration thing that was part of their application process. some people didn't get in after that. i didn't even hear about it! i just bypassed the whole thing! i would be pissed if i found out some chump had gotten into lang without doing half the stuff i had to do to get in, you know? i am terrified, you guys. what if they all hate me? i have to work very closely with these people for the next two years!

they were all talking about this summer reading list they all got, too. which of course i have heard nothing about. apparently it was optional and not that big of a deal, but seriously? i would have liked to at least have had the option. so now in addition to feeling like i have to be all secretive, i feel like i'm behind.

i hope these doubts all go away once we actually start writing. i know i can do that. but i'm also afraid that i'm going to feel like i have to prove to the other students that i belong in the program, and not take the risks that are so important in a learning environment.

i don't know, guys. i'm not feeling doubts about my place in the program, or if i can do it. i'm worried about other people's reactions to me and that is not a good place to be in. i should be spending my energy on the billions and billions of other things i need to be worrying about. but that is easier said than done.