Skitty's Bowl

skittykibble — Wed, 10 Jan 2007 17:33:05 GMT

Hmmmm. I guess I should have give up a long time ago on things going my way. I'm not truely a dark person it's just at times like these when i'm nervous I can't see how anything could possibly go right.

I understand that people get sick of others. I happens.

I just don't want to fade out of view again. I don't trust myself of what I would do with the situation. I can only laugh at the little things and grasp what I have in my hand at this moment, knowing that plans at this pointy are faulty. I just wish I had a promise....not that the human animal can keep a promise either. I guess what I want is hope? Cause I hope for even a part of what I have to stay.

If I could I'd like a million "pearls of wisdom." I could at least give them out as party favors.

I never realized the freedom of admitting absolutely everything to someone. Forgetting the fear of judgement and loss of whatever you had with that person. Whether it be love, friendship or something else? Sometimes you have to realize that not everything ends up in loss, and that actually hearing your feelings out loud does feel GOOD.
No hiding and no fear. If the person really likes you....maybe they'll stay?

I have to wonder, am I that bad a person? Just because I attached a miserable feeling to someone who probably didn't deserve it, just because I wanted a reason for why I felt so bad? I'm allowed to have feelings. It's just I didn't realize that there were levels to hating someone. I have hated and felt justified. The times where I don't feel justified make me feel dirty. Maybe I am not of good character.

I got a collective group of people to admit to my gullibility (that's not a word, but i'll go with it) and had a few berate me on decisions because of it. I forgave too easily. I must say that I don't think that's the case, but if it is, please mind your own business. It's been rolling around in my head, this frustration of making a decision and not being understood except by a few, and even then the acceptance is like a little kid being petted by a grown up. I have to admit the color may be blond but please don't judge me by it. What ever comes of the decisions I make, I WILL reap what I sow. I understand this.

There was a reason I left LJ....It collectively remembers things I'd rather forget.

I am growing outwards. If you choose to grow alongside of me i'd be glad of your company.

skittykibble — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 22:39:44 GMT

would you go with me?
If we rolled down streets fo fire
would you hold on to me tighter
as the summer sun got higher
as we rode from town to town and never shut it down

Would you go with me if we were lost in fields of clover
Would we walk even closer until the trip was over
And would it be okay if I didn't know the way

If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without
you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Let me know if you're really a dream
I love you so, so would you go with me

Would you go with me if we rode the clouds together
Could you not look down forever
If you were lighter than a feather
Oh, and if I set you free, would you go with me

skittykibble — Mon, 06 Mar 2006 08:21:45 GMT

Monday, April 5th

The glass I found today was blue. Cerulean blue. Like the sky. It was smooth to the touch and soft in my hands. The water had been good to it. Turning it over and over in its embrace until lovingly fashioning it into a gem of the sea.
I put the sea glass in my pocket.
Momma was mending nets today for Mr. Simmons. His wife died last year on the night of the big storm. She got struck in the head by a falling timber while helping her husband tie down tarpaulins over their little skiff. Papa says they should have let the boat be rained under. Momma now mends his nets.
She sits in the sun, her feet bare and her toes rosy, miles of netting pooling out to her sides like a billowing quilt. Her fingers are nimble and quick with a needle and she hums a little while she works. I sat beside her and showed her my glass. “The mermaids must have broken a window.” I told her as I held it up to catch the light. The blue glowed as sunlight filled it’s insides.
Momma laughed. She said that yes that must be exactly what happened. She kept working with a small smile on her face.
Mr. McHenesy caught tuna today. He filled his boat with the giant fish. As they we hauled off his boat I couldn’t help but still feel sorry for those still few gasping mouths. His prices will be lower today. I bet on tuna steak for dinner.

I put the blue glass in a new jar. This makes three.

bored.

skittykibble — Sun, 29 Jan 2006 13:43:46 GMT

"It's quite simple really," Akemi said. "Your man goes after the untouchables."

"Untouchables?" Trevor glanced down at the many photos that littered his desk, each a picture of a shyly smiling girl.

Picking up one of the photos, Akemi lightly smacked it with his fingers. "Come on, you have to have noticed. None of these girls are what any rapist usually goes after." He then dangled the photo in Trevor's face. "I mean look at these girls. They're the outcasts, the nerds, the chronically shy, and the mentally off kilter. These are the girls that nobody remembers, the ones that just happen to slip through the chinks of society or at least are the ones usually mocked for even existing. The untouchables." He tossed the photo down on the desk where it skidded amongst the many others. " I mean look at this case in general," Akemi snorted. "It took 10 rapes for it even to make page 7, and even though it did, the article was almost nothing."

"Now hold it." Trevor gathered the pictures together and stuffed them in an already bulging folder. "I know for a fact that the police have a lot of man hours on this case. So it's not high profile. These things happen."

"More things would happen if the targets were the beautiful and social parts of our community. Hell Trev, nobody gives a damn about these kids."

Leaning back in his chair, Trevor studied one of his files. " Not true. The cops who did the investigating found that the girls had many connections to various members of their student body." He handed the paper over his desk to the younger man. "What's with you anyway?"

Without even glancing at the page Akemi glared at his friend. "Whoever said these girls had friends was just lying to look good. If anyone had done their homework, they would have figured this out."

"Homework? I've been covering this for months. Don't talk to me about not doing homework." Green eyes narrowed in annoyance. "You're a student. You have no authorization to be doing ANY sort of 'homework' anyway."

Akemi shrugged. "Like you said, I'm a student. Being in college makes me old enough to get respect from the high school crowd."

"That and your boyishly good looks." Trevor sighed. "Okay, I'll bite. What did you find?"

"Just what I told you. These girls were the nobodies."

"So what am I supposed to do? Write a piece telling all parents of nerdy, ugly girls to watch their backs?" Sarcasm was laced thick through the journalist’s voice. "That would go over well. 'All parents of ugly children, leave them at home'. I might just be doing the world a favor."

Akemi's glare was frigid.

"You’re an Ass. What I meant is that this is part of this man's character. For some reason he seeks out only this type of girl to prey upon. Now we need to know why."

"I think the entire city's police force is working on that."

"You know what I mean. Maybe it's to feel powerful, or it's a kink. Maybe in some way, in your words, he thinks he's ‘doing them a favor’."

Grimacing Trevor pushed his glasses up his nose. "There's a disgusting thought."

"This whole case is disgusting." Akemi's voice was soft, and his gaze seemed far away.

Intrigued by his younger friend's behavior, the journalist pulled out some paper and grabbed his cell. Looking up he shrugged his shoulders and sighed deeply. "Alright. I'll start nosing around a bit more. Who knows, I might make a breakthrough in this case." He smiled as he watched Akemi's face light up. "I have to ask though, why are you so upset about all this?"

Pink flooded the boy's face, and he ran a shaky hand through his hair. "Ari Leverson attends the high school adjoining my college."

"Ah, the one who got away." He leafed through his packet and pulled out a photo of an American girl wearing large glasses with such thick lenses that anyone who saw her could remember nothing but. "She managed to get away, with only a few minor abrasions as well as a pretty large bruise to her face when he first jumped out at her."

"She fought him off and was able to run to safety." Akemi finished quietly.

"Doesn't look like anything special."

"You haven't met her."

skittykibble — Thu, 10 Nov 2005 07:41:47 GMT

Nevermind. I am composed.

skittykibble — Tue, 25 Oct 2005 08:12:27 GMT

skittykibble — Mon, 03 Oct 2005 10:44:05 GMT

my glass is sweating
ice cube erotica
in puddles on the table.
hee.

skittykibble — Thu, 08 Sep 2005 20:01:02 GMT

a glance, a pace, a turn of the head, the flash of your throat as you breathe, they were all my spies.

King Haggard you bitch.

skittykibble — Thu, 01 Sep 2005 15:55:37 GMT

fuck you.
Once again it's been unrealized.
Did it again and just let things go.
Somebody told me it's a waste of time,
and the sad thing is I agree.
fuck you.
today's my day.
not yours.
my time to shine.
so go away.
do me a favor
and fuck off.

skittykibble — Sat, 16 Jul 2005 23:07:35 GMT

I have dubbed it Eldoris, and so he (or at least that's what i'm guessing) and Nemo can listen to me rant from their seperate bowls. Eldoris is a carnival goldfish brough to me by my friend Erika. She won three, and this one seems pretty lively. I like to think of that as a good sign.

So here's one for the fishies.

She's a little bit messed up inside.
things tend to do that.
punch drunk without the blows,
probably hurts worse in the end.
Seventy times out of seven
she'll never cry.
Girls don't do that ya'know?

She's a little bent now.
Pushed to far and lost it.
hey kid you're done.
smile.

skittykibble — Sat, 02 Jul 2005 07:51:43 GMT

I want a little bit of higher thinking.
Is that too much to ask for?
It seems like all I ever need
Is just out of reach.
Have you ever just reached out
and hugged the world.
Glued the broken pieces together
and gave it a little bit of lovin.
We all need the sugar.

How come no one believes love is empty?
You're more lonely once you start.
Is the pain worth the pleasure?
Dig your hands in and find out
my skin is miles long.

Here's a thought...
Dance with me.
Tell me what you're thinking
I'll tell you how close you are
to the surface.
break me and breathe.
taste me and see.
Sensuality divine.

skittykibble — Thu, 19 May 2005 08:11:21 GMT

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v694/onlyicanhearit/sonictails.jpg

*dances*

skittykibble — Tue, 10 May 2005 18:12:48 GMT

Things like this really burn me. The moments that you get to sit and power down, and then ram into your brain all of the things you SHOULD be doing or could be doing but most definitely are NOT.
I enjoy the quiet moments. I sit on my mcduff a happy little girl and let all the stress fall away like extra pounds. Not that I like to think about extra pounds on this frame. No siree.
Anyways....as for talking about should be's (this or that and the other thing.) sitting here just isn't going to help.
I have anxieties ya know? frustration that builds up into my spine till I want to explode outward. Damn you 24 hours in a day.
I used to just get goosebumps from cool breezes and scary movies...now i'm functioning on a whole new level. Fear and stress are great motivators. I want to get somewhere, I want to show the person I love that I can keep up. That I'm a person worthy of notice. I want to be a girl that's a girl, but still a strong woman. Does this make sense?
My cup is empty now...I guess I lose all right to bitch with that? Isn't that right? The barkeep only has to listen as long as my cup still holds booze and my wallet coin. I believe that's how it goes.
There's a job for you. Instant psychologist. No PHD or college courses needed. Just a bottle of strong booze or watered down beer and suddenly you become the dumping point for all the worlds problems. Or at least a listening ear as we bums baptise the days exertions in tawny drink.

I do feel ya know? Pour me another and I'll tell you how much.

It's like the dark things in my soul that choose to rise out of me at the most inopportune moments. I bite at shadows and even at comforting hands. I'm a wolf in a girl's clothing. I didn't think packages came like that. A child with fangs. It's like a pedophile priest in a way. A figure you think is safe but carries the most inexplicable danger. Is that a walking contradition? To be something totally improbable?

My limbs are shaking with effort. I think it was that last drink. Let me tell you this man. If I could i'd run like the wind away from all this. I want to feel freedom run aross my skin like raking branches and I don't care how much it hurts. I want to run with unseen others totally immersed in my solitude yet never alone. I want to stand beside someone I can protect and yet feel vulnerable too. It's night inside my head and the lights are outside dancing. Or is that the lights of the bar...or it could be the moon, wheeling in the sky like the worlds biggest onlooker. And it does look on you know. It finds what we do with ourselves late at night and where we run and then hides its face with clouds and stars. You ever wonder why it's so beautiful? It's to make up for the sins of the damned that are commited under it. Passion...yeah, there's a crime. A burning crime that you burn with and for. I'm babbling now, but my cup ain't empty again yet.

skittykibble — Sun, 01 May 2005 08:14:24 GMT

she sat a table away, staring into space
in her own little world
and I saw a tear in her eye
like a window to the mind
of a frightened little girl
she never said a word
but i know i clearly heard
a cry for help
and i wanted to answer
i wanted to tell her

my heart goes out to you
you don't even know me
you don't even know
my heart goes out to you
and i don't know what else to do
to reach you now
my heart goes out

i'm still glued to my chair
she's unaware
there's no time
and though my intentions are good
if i misunderstood
the price could be high
i can't fix whatever's wrong
but if i fail to pass along
someone cares
the price couldn't be greater
and this can't wait till later

my heart goes out to you
you don't even know me
you don't even know
my heart goes out to you
i don't know what else to do
to reach you now
my heart goes out

for god has loved the world so much
he sent his only son
from heaven to earth
there's a distance love covered
and she's just a table over
all she needs is a shoulder

my heart goes out to you
you don't even know me
you don't even know
my heart goes out
lord, help do what i can do
to reach her, to reach her

my heart goes out to you
you don't even know me
you don't even know
let me do what i can do
to reach you now
my heart goes out......

skittykibble — Wed, 20 Apr 2005 14:48:25 GMT

and for once all is almost right in the world?

skittykibble — Mon, 11 Apr 2005 05:44:45 GMT

no time to write
no time to think
no time to eat
no time to drink
a simple rhyme
caught and gone
and my little poem
goes on and on
but by and by
I do believe
that writers block
I off will heave.

skittykibble — Mon, 04 Apr 2005 10:13:25 GMT

Stand on the edge of the world and watch it burn.

skittykibble — Sun, 03 Apr 2005 10:40:15 GMT

On of these days i'll realize that i'm not alone in a room. I'm not standing by myself, even though i may act like it. The mirror works two ways, so i'm really not just talking to myself.

skittykibble — Wed, 23 Mar 2005 17:36:19 GMT

I breathed.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

My breath clouded the glass and I leant close to press my lips to it's chill smoothness. I pulled away and stared at the two gently curving half arcs that I left frosted on the surface. Smiling I stepped away from the window.

errr...I tried to write sci-fi?

skittykibble — Thu, 10 Mar 2005 14:07:21 GMT

I've heard stories about normal people.

The ones who are born from between the legs of a woman and wail their first bleating cry to the open air as they gasp for breath. Yeah, I've heard of them.

I've heard that they carved a world out of stone. They started out wanderers and ended up the masters of their civilization. If they could build ships that flew the heavens, and machines that trundled the deepest oceans were they not the rulers of the existences? Why would they need something imperfect like me?

I was born, not live, but a cold dead lump of DNA. My genes were mixed of only the best that science could splice and rearranged in ways that no true human would ever experience. I was the Mona Lisa of the scientific world. Born to make humans jealous of my nature, but also born to prove that there was no God of men, but that men were gods. I was their perfection. I was their envy. I was theirs.

I still remember the first time I encountered a mirror. It was after my first chance out of the lab, clutching feebly at one of the tech's fingers with mine. At that time I had been too young to notice the difference between us. Only that their skin was hot to my touch. My fingers were never that warm.

I had been led into a room where I was washed, changed, and then left to myself. My body dwarfed in a large, soft shirt. Standing, I made my way around the room. It was empty save the bed and the square, long panel that hung next to the door. I went to stand in front of it, and jumped back as I watched another person come into view.

I will admit it took me about an hour to figure out that what was in front of me wasn't another person, and a little while later it dawned on me who that figure was in the glass.

My skin was pale. The pale blue tracery of my veins seemed to glow out from beneath and mapped it's way out along my body. My eyes were large and tawny yellow, and the hair that hung into them was a mousy brown. The only thing I could see at the time that differed me from my creators, were the shiny pads that rested on the backs of my wrists...

that's just the way it is.

skittykibble — Wed, 09 Mar 2005 11:32:22 GMT

"That's just the way it is,
somethings will never change."

There's nothing in this world that has ever brought me down completely. I believe in the fruitfulness of the soul that will create my own personal sunshine as I fly through Rochester at breakneck speed.

My car is almost warm and my mind is in a daze.

That's just the way it is.....

You'd never really know it till you're there, how different things can affect you. Like dreams. I have a dream, and it's one of the few things that keeps me going. Not the dream itself but the fact that I can.

Somethings will never change....

I sit here in front of a screen wishing I could look into the eyes of all of you and tell you, there is nothing like a dream. Don't lose sight of one cause that's what makes us falter and fall to our knees.

Never give up and never surrender, that was my motto, but what do you do when the load gets too heavy?

hope they play your song.

I haven't lost faith yet in humanity. I just strive to grasp my own in my fragile chapped fingers and hold it out to the people I care about. It's the least I can do for those people who've held me up and opened their arms to me.

Don't mind me when I say I'm down, it's only temporary, and whether my fingers fly over computer keys or the ones on the piano, I'll say it again and again. That's just the way it is....

That's the way we are, or I am.

Things are one and the same like a piano solo into deep space. Come on kids let us echo.

Gorgon love.

skittykibble — Fri, 04 Mar 2005 18:09:22 GMT

I fell in love with a gorgon
who turned my heart to stone.
She pulled it from my ribs
and took it for her own.
And with my bones she made
a cage of silver hue.
And hung the moon inside it,
to shine the whole night through.
And with my lips she sang
a song so siren sweet.
It took a long the breath that I
had held for many a week.
With my eyes she shed my tears
that were no longer mine alone.
And then she gently placed my heart
in her cage made of my bone.

I posted this in a community I write for.

skittykibble — Tue, 15 Feb 2005 08:53:46 GMT

I stood stock still in the snow for a moment, mulling over my choices. Chewing heartily on my thumbnail, I gazed back the way I came. My foot prints were already being filled with the falling snow and visibility was fading.

I turned to look ahead at the rising black buildings that stood as sentinels to the entrance of the city. The street was empty save for the snow and I. No lamps, and no starlight.

I pulled my ragged thumb from between my teeth, and dropped my hand limply to my side. Here I was. A new arrival into a darkened city. On foot and freezing. An extra number who would remain uncounted. I was un-welcomed and alone.

Smirking slightly I pushed forward.

Behind my eyes I could feel the small computer system shift slightly as it switched over to night vision. I shouldered my pack lightly and kept walking.

They're really gonna wish they noticed me sooner.

skittykibble — Sat, 05 Feb 2005 10:38:39 GMT

look what i did!

i made an lj cut.....yay!

Craaaaaazy dream last night.

skittykibble — Fri, 21 Jan 2005 08:47:06 GMT

It all started with my mother and I in an elevator. It was her, and I, and my 9 year-old cousin Morgan, who were heading to my second cousin Kathy's wedding.

Mom and I were arguing....I couldn't hear what we were yelling about, but It started to come to blows. We body checked each other inside that elevator, which must have been in a VERY wide elevator shaft because the elevator started swinging and hitting the walls with our movement. It was loud, and my cousin cowered in a corner.

Somehow we made it to our floor, even though mom had to put her hands outside the elevator doors and push against the wall we were facing so we could find the opening for the floor. We exited.

As punishment we were made to sit with the kids, helping them draw pictures for the wedding, even as we watched it from above in the balcony. My dad was using a pen that was at least 20 years old and made out of beads, but he didn't care. Then that's where everything got REALLY weird.

I had my back to the wedding and turned when everyone started screaming. Something had risen out of the floor and people were just keeling over as if dead, and a little white slug crawled out of each ones mouth and raced away. My mom, Ryan, Garion, Morgan, Matt, and I stood watching, not sure of what to do.

I could see a baby screaming in the crowd....nothing seemed to be happening to it so I leapt from the balcony and ran towards it, plucking is out from it's high-chair and the reanimated grey hands that were reaching for us. I bolted away, and was separated from everyone....even the baby in my hands disappeared and I walked a dark hallway alone. I reached an elevator covered with netting and after a good struggle was able to crawl under the netting and take the elevator to the next floor.

The floor was filled with tiny children playing with broken toys and bugs. They kicked up clouds of dust as they ran, their eyeless sockets dark so they didn't see me.

I could see Garion, my 12 year-old cousin standing at the doorway of a room with two boys his age in it. They slept on couches of red and purple silk and didn't move an inch as my cousin yelled at them to wake up. He reached to touch one of the boys and I smacked his hand away, as I somehow found myself standing beside him. "you'll fall asleep forever." was all that I said before Turning and kneeling for his to climb on my back. I was faster than him on foot.

Outside this room I found the baby, sitting in a room full of colorful toys yet playing with a dead rat. Garion kicked the rat away and I pulled the baby into my arms. It showed me it's scratched palms and I kissed them. Then all three of us ran.

The hallway we ran through was covered with square panneled doors that went up and down the dark wood of the walls. I examined the name on one and it said "cake shop." In fact, many of the doors said this and I pulled one open. Hoping to find the one that Matt ordered, because I knew he had to come for it and he'd bring Ryan with him. I looked through all the little doors but I couldn't find the name "fidgety-smidget" anywhere and I was getting frightened. I felt a breath on my neck and i squeezed the baby that sat on my hip tighter as I turned to face my attacker. It was only Matt, with Ryan and Morgan behind him. Finally we were together and I nearly passed out with relief. I set all of them up in a large bed to sleep the night and I kept watch. I could see monsters in the distant hall. Three Alligators and a Gorilla that all walked on too legs and were covered by a fine soft down. These were visious killers and as they came near I sounded the alarm and the others ran. Somehow I couldn't follow. The alligators came at me and I attacked. I threw them and hit them and kicked them until they were nothing more than puppets on the floor. Then I ran.

I found the others all piled up and sleeping at the top of a flight of stairs. Matt was still up and waiting for his tea pot to come to a boil where it sat upon a cold slab of grey marble. I looked at him and remember asking "is this real?" and he just smiled at me and turned away. I went down the stairs into and empty white room with purple curtains and yellow walls. I placed my hand against one, and Matt stood behind me.

"that could be a kitchen." he said, and I shook my head knowing he was dead wrong.

I placed both my hands against the wall and it flickered under my palms, before turning transparent. A window looking out on a garden in fall. Red leaves stuck in the twining vines of pumpkins that my cousins were picking.

A tiny dinosaur crawled through the window and put his hands on my throat as I realized I was humming a tune that I didn't know. He stuck his claws in my mouth to steal the song, and I vomited it up as slugs.

Then I turned and took the baby from Matt and walked out the front door to an open lagoon, where glass horses raced each other across the top of the water at sunset, and ran through the underwater ruins of a city that glowed under the sun, moon, and stars.