“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” — Oscar Wilde

After being depressed for many years, specifically in my teens and my early twenties, I had stopped being concerned with making New Year’s Resolutions. My only goal was to make it to the next year, generally.

This is the first December where I’ve felt truly hopeful for the upcoming years and I have been actually creating many lists and vision boards and timelines to carefully illustrate what the kids like to call — the 2026 rebrand.

I’ve written a few times about my self value being hugely related to my ability to work and that what pulled me out of my deep depression in 2023 is finally getting a job after previously being unemployed for over a year. In the essay I wrote , I worried about losing my “new outlook” on life the second I became unemployed. Thankfully, I am not unemployed, but I noticed a very bad habit that I’ve retained since then. The more validation I look for, the more I add to my plate, which contributes to my burnouts and my crises.

A question I’ve had to ask myself, that continues to be unanswered is:

Who am I outside of my desire to be useful?

So when I was reviewing my resolutions, I was saddened to see that most of my goals were work related, or things that help me over exert myself in an “organized way”.

After spending majority of my life in survival mode, I haven’t thought much about the kind of person I would like to be. I have an understanding of who I am fundamentally, but how many traits have I been wearing just to get by without too many questions?

Am I really unapproachable? Am I really an introvert? Do I really hate small talk or did I just dread lying through my teeth about being “fine”?

So when I think about a rebrand for myself, the Pinterest board, the journaling everyday, and the new night routine are all still a factor in my plans but I want to be very intentional about the goals that I set so that I’m not found throwing myself into systems to keep me afloat.

For some reason, I really wanted to write a listicle to close out the year, and at first it was all of my resolutions and all of the things I plan to do next year to change my entire life. But instead, I’ve decided to tell you all of the things I do not like about myself and how I intend to change them. In a healthy way. Walk with me for a second.

1. I’m way too introspective and “self aware”.

I used to pride myself on my ability to be self aware, because many people don’t have that skill. There are so many people in the world who are blind to the things that make them tick, make them anxious, or trigger them, and they are insufferable to be around. However, it’s also insufferable to be around someone constantly psychoanalyzing themselves with no change in sight.

I am teetering on that line.

I looked through a lot of my past journals recently, and I am a classic trauma re-visitor. But I think this affects me in a way where I almost think I’m fixing or healing myself by pointing out the obvious. Instead, I’m talking myself into stagnation.

This also affects my writing. One of my biggest resolutions is to focus on writing more, whether I publish it or not, and an insecurity of mine is my inability to be able to write about the things that make me happy or that I like. It’s easier for me to find the words to express deep anger or sadness— and I’m not sure that says about me as a person. It definitely says a lot about me as a writer.

I think aside from me being wildly self critical (case in point: this essay, lowkey), I am also desensitized from my feelings. Sometimes I am so in my head that I can’t tell that I’m hungry. So I want to redirect the the energy that I spent in deep thought focusing on how I feel about myself and what I want, and see if that changes anything.

2. I have a very desperate need for other people’s approval.

A couple weeks ago, I cut my hair, and I was very excited about the new look until someone very close to me called me “baldheaded” as a “joke”. I’ve had a hood on my head ever since. The thing is— I cut my hair because I wanted to.

It really disgusts me that before I did this, I went around and asked my different groups of friends if they thought I should do it. Majority of everyone said no, because they loved my long hair, or because they thought I would regret it. Funnily enough, I didn’t, until the comment was made. I actually would like to go shorter but I can’t find my hair scissors anywhere. (Wonder if that’s a sign?)

I used to roll my eyes when everyone would post and advise people on the internet to “move in silence” because it just seemed silly to me. I love to consult my friends. But I realized that I go to other people for advice before I do anything and it made me wonder if I trust myself at all.

I also hate the way I hold onto the few compliments I’ve received in my lifetime. Someone once told me I smelled good and I’ve been chasing that high ever since. I think this is also what makes me so obsessed with being useful — if I’m constantly doing valuable work I’m always being approved by someone, even if it’s by someone I don’t respect.

Every time I want to make a decision now, I stop myself before running to the group chat or my Instagram stories, and force myself to sit with what I want. It’s been hard because I have a huge mouth and I like to hear positive feedback, but it’s been helpful.

When I decide to make what I want my main focus, I believe that other people’s approval will become meaningless to me which I think will change a lot about how I view myself and how I approach things moving forward.

3. I’m logical to a fault

When I was 18, I never applied to college. I tried really hard to, I went through the whole Common App thing and I got my recommendation letters. But when I was trying to write my essay, it sucked. Nothing I put together was to my standards, and I fell into a terrible thought spiral.

If I can’t handle a simple essay to get into college, how will I handle the work load? I’m going to be in class looking dumb as hell. I’m going to flunk out and no one will be able to stop bringing it up.

I was homeschooled, I never really felt like I was learning, and then I started working a full time job while going to High School online. Everything was a blur, I was working 40 hours a week, trying to do class at the same time and going home to sleep immediately after work. I felt terribly ill equipped to move forward with my life.

Nobody was really helping me apply to college so I had to figure it out all on my own, and I never felt dumber. So I decided then to take a gap year, that turned into 5 gap years. Every year I worried about what people would say about me had I gone and flunked out, or if I couldn’t get in, or the older I got — what if people would be disappointed if I graduated later than everyone else?

If I were to describe myself to someone who has never met me, delusional would never ever be able to leave my mouth. When I was a child, I tried to have an imaginary friend, but I couldn’t go through with it because it made no sense. I know that I can’t see anything there, so what’s the point of insisting I do?

All year I’ve been hearing that delusion is the way to go if you want to get what you want. Just say you’re going to do it, and then do it. However, 2025 has also been the year that I discovered my intense anxiety, and the worst case scenario is often the only scenario I can picture. I also have an intense fear of looking dumb, so I find that I haven’t actually accomplished much in my life because I am too afraid of failing.

So, even though I don’t think I can make myself be delusional, I recently have been just diving head first into experiences and saying yes to things that I am afraid of just to see if I can open some doors in 2026 instead of being in my room seeing everyone else do what they said they were going to do.

One of those things has been pursuing my bachelor’s in Media Communications next year! I am so unready for this new chapter in my life but I’m doing it anyway and a couple years ago I would never even be able to say that.

4. I still live with my mother

All of my life, I’ve felt like the only fish in a huge fish tank. Everything that I’ve ever done has been on display and picked apart in ways that just have to be detrimental to one’s mental health.

The things that I say about myself, the anger that I harbor inside, the idea that I am incapable of doing most things — those ideals didn’t come from me. I was such a confident child, and I don’t remember what that felt like.

If a comment is made about my pimple, I pick at it. If my blush is “too much”, I tone it down. If my outfit gets a weird glance, I change it. It’s like a prison. I’m constantly being talked out of things that I thought were okay before I opened the door. I’m a hermit, because I’m not safe out there. The security I have in myself is in constant jeopardy, and I hate that feeling.

So my 2026 goal is to do whatever it takes to get out of here, honestly. I have to be able to live on my own and figure out who I am without worrying about what the person down the hall is going to have to say about it.

I still believe that 23 is going to be my best age yet. The idea that I’m responsible for my own happiness no longer weighs me down or makes me feel pressured. It makes me feel hopeful. I can change my reality at any time. My life is so much more different now and I haven’t really done much except change my mind.

I think when I wrote Hunger Crisis I realized how pathetic I have been. I give myself grace but I had my life on a halt because I wasn’t prepared enough to be better than this. I don’t have a therapist, I don’t have money, I don’t have my driver’s license.. but everyone around me makes a way. So what’s the problem?

I hope you all enjoyed this not-listicle. And hopefully 2026 brings some better material!