Leora (Lee)

Always the short end of the stick

2004-01-10T00:40:13Z

why do I always get the short end of the stick? I mean anytime I have the chance to be happy, I mean it backfires right in my face. I have wanted to be in a relationship for so long and everytime I think there is a chance there is always something to keep me from getting what I truely desire, a meaningful long lasting relationship. I sometimes feel that as much as I want to be with John, I cant go back because of the way he hurts me sometimes. Like to tonight he said, "oh you never exerienced loss" yeah well I have lost alot...my mother is dying, I lost her when she got mentally sick. I lost the mother I once had the one I wish I coulod get back. I have lost my sense of direction, my purpose my goal. These things are losses, just because my father didnt pass away, doesnt mean I havent experienced loss, I experience it every day. I feel empty alot, like there is something missing from my life. and I want it so bad. I want to feel that love.

I have a thing for this guy victor. hes sweet, funny, charming and he makes me feel so good. he gives me those little butterflies in my stomach, ya know like when you got a big crush on someone. He knows I like him, I mean we stayed up till 6 am talkin about it. and yet again I get the short end of the stick. he cant be with me and it sucks. His family is very albanian, I mean really old school. he could only be with me if I were albanian and his family knew who I was. That hurts me so much...probably not as much as it hurts him, but enough. I have been thinking about it all day...just the thought of things being different. He feels it wont go anywhere, and with a family like his, i most certain he is correct. However, I cant help but feel that life is all qbout chance and risks and I wish someone would take them on me for a change. I wish someone thought I was worth a risk and hope for the best. But in his situation, I understand cuz family is everything. he has to uphold the family name and i find that very admirable. I mean besiades he probably doesnt feel im worth the risk, and again I would have to assume he is correct. today I wished I was albanian just today. I wish I spoke the language and could prove that I came from a good family, (which honestly I do but then again I dont....they have issues) but whose family doesnt have issues. I just wish he would take a chance. sometimes, you got to go against the grain. and I wish he would, for his own sake. I wish that he could be his own person, cuz I honestly feel he could be so much more beautiful if he were free to just be him. and living in a prison such as that...I am suprised hes still here. and in all truth, I wish I could take it all away from him, I wish I could wave my wand and make the people around him see just how good he really is if he could just do what makes him happy. I kissed him the othe night. maybe that was a mistake. I shouldnt have done that especially after he told me that it couldnt work. i just really couldnt help it. I think that victor and I get along so well. and I have this strange feeling that even as friends, the both of us are just gonna end up liking eachother more. I am waiting to feel good. I am waiting for someone to come around who wants to be with me...and not victor, jst in general. ia want someone to think I am special and beautiful. make me believe that someone else could love me besides John. Because I dont know how he knows, but he knows what buttons to push with me and to be perfectly honest, its not fair. I try so hard with him and nothing i do is ever good enough. im either a pain in the ass or not there enough. but he loves me.

maybe victor doesnt like me. I dont know. maybe he only looks at me as a friend, and not because he has to, but because thats how he really feels. hes so afraid of leading me on...I am not that easily lead on I think. but i know my heart and myself and I know that its really not gonna be easy for me to just keep it as friends. I follow my heart wherever it leads me and I dont stay quiet about my feelings. but in this case maybe I should keep my mouth shut and not jeprodize what I think would be a really great friendship. I wish I could change it I really do, because I think being with him would just be that breath of fresh air I need. but I do know how to pick em dont I. I mean really who has had more things go wrong in her love life....i certainly take the cake. and I finally find someone I can see myself being happy with, and he cant be with me. I wish he would take a chance and try, even if it were in secret. I wouldnt tell....but then again, that would be so wrong cuz the whole relationship would be based on a lie. I just wish I was worth a chance to someone.

HOLY SHIT ITS AN UPDATE

2003-12-10T18:54:24Z

Its only been like what...3 or 4 months since I have written anything...And who wants to read my crap besides rebecca and a few other people who decide to read my journal. Ehh right now life pretty much sux....well...lets see....update since september...My mother is sick as many people know...Shes not doing well...has her good and her bad days. I started talking to Joey again...I missed him and Im up to my ass in studying. I am probably gonna get kicked out of school cuz Im seriously failing everything. It blows big time...Im praying for D's in everything just so I can move on and be merry. I had a test today even from 5:30 to 7:30...I hate evening tests...they are so annoying....You just want the day to be over, then FUCK!!! theres a test. I was so seriously ready to fall asleep in the library. I was there from 12 to 5 studying that stupiud Chem lab book. My teacher hates me by the way...shes such a hoe and My bio teacher is no better....hes an ass also....Bio lab teacher....Veragaut Ray Or however the hell you spell Angry in German (rebecca correct me).

Yeah...thats about it. Im glad Im talking to Joey again...he was so much fun despite all the crap we all went through....Now he has a place on williamsbridge and he wants me to work there this tax season. I have to see how the Job with Life Line is gonna work first. I want a job on an ambulance before anything else, besides it will pay better than what Joey will pay. How can you compare 12 an hour to 6.

And the saddest thing of all....Johns father passed away. I am so sad about that. I loved Anthony. HE was like my Father in law for a while there...John and I were practically married when we were going out. Linda must be going through a very tough time and Chris too. Everyone is going through Hell....Especially John. Its like he lost his light, misplaced his imagination...Put his mind in storage for a while. And its sad really because he has so much potential, what with this new TV show that he had going for himself. Im so afraid that he will lose his drive to do what he loves after the holidays...God the holidays How they will be mnurder for him, now that he cantr spend with with his Father. I feel for him I really do...When I found out Anthony died, I took my mother aside and I held her tight and God forgive me for this, but I was so happy that my mother was there. She is sick too....so much its like what is she not sick with...Emphysima, Angina, Blood problems, back problems, inner ear problems...Just hopefully she will quit smoking before she gets Cancer. Thats what Anthony had...Cancer. I never met a man more determined to live, but in the nd everyones body just wears out I guess. No is taking this worse than John. I love him so much.

Before his father died, John and I had discussed trying to see eachother more, maybe start something up again. I told him I couldn't do it, I was too afraid. I still am because I feel like no matter what he will always hurt me in some way...I dont want to be hurt again, I Couldnt take it...it would just be unbearable. But then there is that part of me that loves him still, like he is so beautiful in the way he thinks and speaks it boggles my mind sometimes. And then I take it all away by remembering the past. besides I am seeing someone right now...yeah his name is Anthony...Go Figure....Bu8t I mean I dont know where its gonna go....no where right now. I am so tired of jumping from guy to guy, I really just want to be with one person right now and it doesnt seem as though there is anyone to do that with. but I do miss john...I really miss his family too. When Anthony was in the hospital, just before he died, I was actually at the hospital taking care of my mother, she had vertigo. So I went to visit the family and everyone was so happy to see me...I never felt so loved before. It was wonderful the whole family is amazing. I mean they are like the people that I never had in my family. I mean no one is fake to each other...they all really do love one another...I sometimes debate all this stuff with my own family...not like my parents but my aunts and uncles and shit like that. I mean I really do just love them all. It is so rare that one finds family that is so special and so full of perseverence and life. It was the most wonderful this I have ever felt...And even after all the shit John and I had to go through, they still all consider me family and that is such a wonderful feeling. sometimes I miss that more than I miss John. sadly to say, but yet the truth.

i had something else I wanted to say but I cant remember what it is...oh well guess its not so important....Oh yeah....by the way....JESSE COMES HOME ON THE 17th!!!!! Im excitimitid. HEHEHE anyway Ill write again sometime soon...till then...TATA

silvergem @ 2003-09-13T22:19:00

2003-09-13T19:51:03Z

<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/N/novemberhorse/1047168468_esktopseer.jpg" border="0" alt="HASH I thought this was rather funny, being that Tanner and I had a discussion about this very thing last night. That and the fact that I read palms and such...I read christinas roommates palms and that came out pretty good, considering the fact I had a bottle of sangria in my system. I am crying on the inside tonight. I joined the ROTC at my school, a non obligational branch of the Army. I went to my first drill today, where we learned courtesy and customs of the military and I really really enjoyed myself...But we will see how well I do when I start physical training monday morning at 6:30 am. I really like the military for som e reason...deep down I always have, I was just really scared to join before cuz of the commitment. The whole thing in Iraq bothers me too, but I figured that this would give me a taste of what is to come if I decide to join...I have 2 years to make that decision. My professor...Major Bowling...thats a name for ya...Major Bowling LMAO...I wanted to ask him if he ever got a 300 in the game...anyway...he asked me why I joined the ROTC, and I told him because of the non obligational aspect of it all. Being a part of the military without being a part of the military. I joined because the military is fascinating...the management skills, the leadership, the confidence you get from knowing you have accomplished goals and learning how to think fast. I love that stuff...the organization of it all...and I feel really good being there. This could be fun and an awesome learning experience. But my thing, is I have always been one to look for approval, from everyone dear to me, and I dont have it...mainly because everyone thinks I have to go to war....IM NOT GOING ANYWHERE FOLKS>>>>NOT FOR A VERY LONG TIME!!!!! and I understand this, but I still need the support of knowing I am no different for my thoughts. And so I cry on the inside, because having that support is so important for me, to know someone is proud of me, to know someone can look at me and say, she does great things in her life. I need that, I want that...and I feel like I have to stand alone on this one...and If thats what I have to do, Im gonna do it, cuz I need to know that by not joining the Army Im not missing something...I dont want this to be one of those things that if I didnt try some aspect of it, I would always be wondering if it could have worked for me, or could have made a difference in my life. MAybe I shoukld no longer look for anyones blessing, cuz obviously no matter what I do, no matter what happens I never get it...and it hurts...more than anyone knows, because the people who are supposed to be in your corner arent there when you really need it. And that hurts...And I told Christina today about it, and she just got mad...now she wont talk to me about it...All I wanted to do was to tell her about it and tell her how good it felt right now, and to just tell her...I mean shes my best friend, I tell her everything...But then again I knew she would be upset...probably mostly cuz shes afraid I would have to go away. But I wanted to talk to her about it put her mind at ease, but she wont talk to me now I guess...I dont know. That kinda hurts. I dont think I did anything wrong for her not to talk to me. i dunno... And dennis hasnt tried to reach me in a week...so now yet again, I set myself up for heartache...thats ok like everything else Ill just keep going...its his loss anyway right...How many times can you say that to yourself, withoiut feeling that eventually it is your loss and not theirs at all. Matt is too busy to talk to me...and well, everything else...there isnt anyone. Im back at square one. I really wanted to work things out with Dennis too, but I guess I lived too far and wasnt interesting enough. I just Im hurt about that too...Im back to lonely. and maybe its better that way, I have ROTC and the Ambulance Corp. and I have school in general. not to mention I start my Work study at the end of the month. so I have alot of things to do dont I...I can afford to be lonely...can you tell I dont believe myself at the moment? Sometimes I feel really lonely...like the friends I do have arent really there sometimes...Its hard but I feel that way...That I am alone on this branch and no one really gets me, or they pretend like all the extrenious stuff they dont like just isnt there, when the stuff they dont like is really apart of who I am. I am that I am and thats all I can be. Nothing more and nothing less...God I feel like screaming and just letting everyone see for once how hurt I really am, but then I feel weak and cant cry because that just makes me vulnerable...I have taught myself not to cry after being told in the 7th grade that I cried too much...but thats because I was hurt. John told me I cried too much too, that I was weak in a way...In some ways I really miss the relationship, the hugs the kisses the long talks about nothing important. Shit! Im crying now...this sux...this is what I would have liked to avoid. Ill get over it. ill wake up tomorrow and face the day...

silvergem @ 2003-09-12T00:19:00

2003-09-11T21:49:06Z

Well my mother and I are fighting once again...this time about religion...she looked like she wanted to cry when I told her I dont fundamentally believe in the Jewish faith. I mean because she tried all she could to teach me those things, and it dissapoints her that I dont accept them...Its not a reflection on her but I just feel as though I am not able to accept what it is the bible teaches me. I mean one min, God hates everyone...I mean he got really pissed at moses for hitting the rock twice, but I mean then hes all merciful in the new testiment. She tells me that I am reading into it way too much, I told her she wasnt looking close enough. There is no right or wrong, but I mean it makes no sense to me...I have just given up on religion. I would rather be a spiritual person, believing in something but then having my own moral code to follow. This comes as a very dissapointing thing for her to handle unfortunately, But shes having a hissy fit that I dont want to miss school because of Yom Kippur. I see no use for it...I sit there all day asking God to forgive my sins...and I mean shouldnt I be asking forgiveness from those I have sinned against...Isnt that what forgiveness is. I mean God hasnt asked me to forgive him for all the shit he put me through. Thats cuz God has a sense of humor you see....He supposedly made the world in his grace, and everything he created, it wasnt just good it was "Very Good" I mean thats what my book says from theology class. My teacher isnt gonna like me at all, cuz I contradict everything he has to say, plainly because it doesnt make sense to me. God should love me for me, cuz he/she made me what I am, gave me everything I needed to be me...and if he is to make EVERYTHING in his grace, then I should be made in his/her grace as well. They are all in competition with one another anyway; different religions. I give them this though...The bible is a great instiller of moral codes, despite how old it is. It goes back to the fundamental beliefes of what people are all about. My mom is really pissed it seems...I think I really hurt her, I didnt mean too, but honestly I have been following what she wanted me too since I was born and I have to say its just not for me. I dont really know what is for me. Catholosism isnt for me either, neither is Wicca or scientology. I dont really know what else there is to say on the subject. You cant force someone to believe in what you believe in...The muslims tried that and all they got out of it was alot of angry people ready to retaliate. God Will love me for me...and thats it. I pray...people dont think I do, but I do...I pray. I have a personal relationship with God so to speak...I tell him/her all my problems and I ask that he/she help me through difficult times. I ask for forgiveness for when I have wronged a family member or close friend. I ask her/him for advice and sometimes I get it and sometimes I dont. I listen to god too...after all it is a two way street. He/She tells me all the time about the paths that I travel and what it is she/he wants to see me become, because it is instilled in my nature what it is I am to become. God plays both games...He/She can either be my best friend or my worst enemy. I never doubt that there is a God though...Too many unexplained things occur for me to not believe in the existence of God. And for the most part I believe it all. I have faith and I dont feel I need to be part of a religious order to have "True Faith" I just wish someone could explain all of this to my mother, I hate to dissapoint her, but like I said its just something I can no longer do... If she wants to continue on in her beliefes, then thats all fine and dandy, but please dont expect me to do it either. Ya wanna know what, its an elder thing. My whole family on my mothers side is Jewish and because she is my elder hat she says goes, and the same for my grandmother and grandfather. I dont need religion. God did not create religion, Man did. We wrote the bible, we came up with the songs and prayers, God didnt do anything. And if we are so secure in the existance of God, why is it normal for us to talk to him, but as soon as God talks to us, we are nuts...I mean is it that Gods too good to talk to us....like its beneath him/her? I mean think about it all....Maybe religion is a way to control the minds and even govern a peoples by creating a fear of hatred by God. I mean its scary when someone tells you God hates you and your going to hell...but then again did God tell you this him/her self? No cuz then you would be crazy cuz God spoke to you. Religion is a great way to get people to put their energy into something, especially when the world around them is complete shit. I mean alot of radicals have nothing to fight for, nothing to live for, so they live through their religion. People always find faith in time of need, because it is the greatest source of comfort, because when you can no longer govern yourself, you need someone to govern for you, and thats what religion does. It gives you the opportunity to take a break and let God do the magic. I could go on for hours and hours about all this, but Im gonna stop cuz its late, I have class tomorrow at 8:30 and Im tired so excuse me while sleep...Amen!!!

silvergem @ 2003-08-23T01:07:00

2003-08-22T22:39:02Z

I hurt...jesus doesnt the rest of us. I can only sum it up like this...Evanescence if it werent for them showing me this song...it describes tonight so well....you see John called me out of the blue...My ex-John to clarify and I tried so hard to be strong...No I didnt cry. But I forgave, and that took so much courage. Forgiveness is the most rewarding feeling in the world...I doubt not that I hurt him...But today it all came back. I wanted to say I love you and fall apart all again, after I have built myself from the ground up. Like Christina once said...I was a train wreck when my world decided to crash down upon my head. And I didnt let it crash today. But this song, this song just sums up the whole of my heart...He is without a doubt my first love. I cant get rid of that. A place in my heart will forever belong to him. And you can scrutinize and tell me how much of an asshole he ever was, how he hurt me how he was a thoughtless person...I know all this, I know what there was and what occured, I was there! you arent telling me something I dont already know. But I will forever love him, no matter what happens...Its strong and beyond my control. Love is a very special thing, And even if I never have that feeling in my stomach ever again, that flutter in my heart...I can always say I had it once and ie the happiest woman in the world. For nothing compares to that feeling of free falling, knowing someone is there to catch you. And whether he will ever admit it to the rest of the world, I have changed his life, and I will always hold a place in his heart...Nothing will ever change that. Anyway...THE SONG:

My Immortal

my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

I cant describe love...It comes in so many forms...I have never loved two people as much as I love Jesse and christina...Knowing that there are two people...NOT ONE but TWO! there are people who I can depend on them for anything whether its a hug and a kiss or a convo at 3 am. I have never felt like I was blessed in the friends catagory, making many wrong turns throughout the years. I am loved for the first time in my life, by people who see me for me, noit for what I want them to see. Appreciated for my flaws and my weaknesses. This is the meaning of sisterly love. They are my SOUL SISTERS...whether that sounds funky or not LOL...Beauty such as their is few and far between...When you can look at someone and know their every thought. That takes love.

Then There comes the Love I have for family. My sister can not be compared to anyone. I would die for her, in an instant. I look at her and I cry because she the most prescious gem I could ever bestow. She is by far the most innocent girl I have ever met. She is genuine and compassionate. I am crazy about her and everything she has become. She has struggled a struggle far beyond my comprehension...I can not begin to fathom the hardships she has faced just meeting the requirements of a normal everyday life. And this makes her truely exceptional.

And then there is the love...THE LOVE! I only wish words could give this feeling justice. Everyone tries, but fails miserably, because there are no words for this emotion. Just the sight of this person is enough to get you through the day. The voice they bring to your ears is more melodic and soothing than any score of music could relay. Its that feeling like you arent in your body anymore. Shut your eyes and feel that for a min...like your soul has left your body, and is dancing with that one person in your arms, swirling through a sea of nothingness, because nothing around you matters for that one moment. You smell them, you feel them and every nerve in your body tingles with that shiver you wish would always linger after all is said and done with the moment. When you kiss someone, and you see that this someone is consuming you and you them....When you look at them, you dont see just a person, you see a soul and you honor them, are in awe of every thought and word. And when for whatever reason...it all ends, You long to just see them happy. nothing gives you more pleasure than to see them become the greatest they can be, even if you can't be there to share in this joy...So this is Love. And maybe thats just the beginning, but fundamentally, I always have a picture of what love feels like, and I would love nothing more than to feel that 24-7...that flutter in my heart and that shiver down my spine, the way love should feel, for I can not fathom a life without love, the way you lay there with someone, feeling them next to you and you breathe them in, taking in a bit more of their sould with each breath. Its not enough to be next to someone, you want to be inside them in the worst way...so much it pains you...love pangs...

And so you see...The three kinds of love...nothing compares to these three. And maybe one day, Ill know what the latter feels like once again. Hell two outa three sure aint bad ;)

WOW havent written in a while.

2003-08-06T23:22:29Z

yeah so its 216 and Im rather sleepy. Im sad too a bit. A because I havent written in a while...its like wow you still have a live journal...B my two best friends in the galaxy are leaving me to persue their own educational endeavours...C I am without a relationship and I want one, but on my terms which probably wont happen and D I still think about Carlo. I miss him and what he was. I know its long over and all but still the pain is there. Im lonely and without a relationship, which im kinda getting used to so I think Im gonna just keep on dating for a bit. I think Ill know when the right one comes along. My two best people I could ever know my sisters are leaving me...especially Jesse shes leaving for...CALIFORNIA...I mean of course christina and I are venturing there for spring break, but I mean thats in the spring LOL I am gonna miss her so much. im tired I said what I needed to say, now im going to sleep nite.

do you remember the time

2003-06-24T20:37:31Z

i dont really remember alot about my childhood, maybe because I have done my best to block it from my mind...I dont really like remembering those times. They were filled with alot of painful memories. but today Alicia and my mom and I sat and I sat around and watched olf home films. Why I am not sure, but we did and all I can think was how different everything was then. my mom was happier, my dad was happier. hell I think I was happier. Alicia was a princess and I sat there and watched how innocent she was and what I did remember was the kind of person I was. I was terrible when you think about it. I could have been so much better, I could have been a better sister than I was. For the rest of my life, I think I will regret treating her the way I did in the past. I remember that trip to Disney World my mother, sister and I took. And how selfish I was becasue I was 13 years old and didnt appreciate the fact that my mother spent so much on us when she didnt have it, how I was embarrassed to be there with them, cuz I was thinking about boys. And how my mother cried to us in epcot center becasue she thought we didnt care. I will regret that time for as long as I live, and if I could take it all back I would. I remember all the times I wish I could have been there and wasnt especially for Alicia. I love her with all my heart and I cant show it for shit, I dont know why I cant I just cant and I realize that its so bad to look back and say all this now, when I should have before. I am like a truely selfish human who has no regard for her family, sometimes anyway. I hate that about myself. started to cry infront of the TV cuz I thought about all the things that I said and did to make everyone feel like shit. I hate this about myself. I dont know why I am like this, I have often asked myself the question....and I keep comming back to the same empty conclusion. maybe I am a bad daughter and sister, always wanting to be away, and I feel like I cant stop doing that. I think about myself alot, more than I should, cuz I need to think of my family. I try sometimes, but my efforts arent really enough. maybe one day I can put my attitude aside for one moment and think about my family. maybe oneday when I get off of planet me.

silvergem @ 2003-05-14T22:31:00

2003-05-14T19:29:23Z

You are Wolverine!

A loner by nature, you feel uncomfortable when
around those you don't know and even those you
do. You are awkward when it comes to
relationships, but fiercely loyal to those you
love.

Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

silvergem @ 2003-04-26T00:24:00

2003-04-25T21:22:13Z

I am tired right now
I am frustrated
I am perplexed
Why do we all have to wait so long
for results
why cant we know now
Im hurting I guess
becasue I want elena to be alright
I want everyone to be alright,
but that isnt going to happen is it
I think that maybe its the idealist in me comming out
I had to get away tonight
after spending 3 hours on that god forsaken Island
went to crosstown had a cup of joe
walked back to the train station
then came home
Im tired
Im sick
Im sad
I miss them so much

I went there today and tried not to cry, it was all over the news. I hate the media. but then again we need them dont we. we need them to change the 911 system...if your gonna read this, please sign the petition on Onlinepetitions.com look for save other sons or S.O.S or look up 911. you have to sign it, we need everyones support,,,,tell a friend about it too.
the more help we can get the better we all will be, and we wont have to lose beautiful people like Carlo or Andrew....

silvergem @ 2003-04-15T23:43:00

2003-04-15T20:41:14Z

I am so tired...Its like everything I do, is never where I can really be. I cant do anything right, not even college. It blows man....I dont even know where Im going now, and time is really running out with everything. I havent seen Joey in like forever, and I miss mel. I read his live journal, he misses someone. its sad, hes like never happy, and that bothers me, becasue I thinik through everything Mel should be happy. I dont know whats up with Sonya, I mean I have tried nothing but to be nice to her, and she has been bitching at me, I try to be nice and she gives me an attitude. I have done alot for her, and yet again I dont feel as if I am getting my fair share of what I have given, which makes me feel like shit. Ya know, when I was at her house and was really upset, she was like "suck it up" in not so many words and that pissed me off, becasue if she cant why should I. I dont know, Im just pissed in general at the moment. I cant stand drama anymore and Im rather tired of people still dramatizing over Carlo and Andrew, like shoshanna, I hate her....shes not the nicest of people. And someone should really tell her that Andrew and Carlo hated her too....maybe that will send the clue that shes a faker.
I read Johns profile today, why I dont know but I did. and it kills me, absolutly kills me that he is happy and I am not. after all the sacrifices after all the tears and the heart ache, I am the one left unhappy. Tanner tries to make me happy, but honestly I dont think Im ready to recieve it. A part of me still feels undeserving, after all the I love Yous and everything, I cant believe that anymore, I really just cant. After 10 months of single life, I am still not ready to move on, and maybe thats just because I am hurt. Tanner is a sweet person, honestly he truly is, but I mean I feel as if he wants something Im not ready to give. Every time he says I love you, I cant say anything becasue I just .....am not there. I feel as if its like he is looking for me to say I love you too....and I m not ready for that, I like him alot, but I dont love him, I dont know if I will love him. I cant open myself like that again. I will end up hurting him too, I know I will. I mean college is so close, and I know what I want for myself, there is no way of getting around it. I dont want to hurt anyone, and me saying I love you will only make things so much worse. I dont want this to get too serious, not now anyway. maybe later on in my life yeah, but I cant do this now, its like way to hard for me.
John is still a part of my thoughts too. I dont know why is it a guy like him can be so happy, but a girl "as wonderful" as I am can be so unhappy. and I am unhappy, becasue I cant let anything make me happy right now. its like beating a dead horse. I am beginning to think I wont ever be happy....no one makes me happy, not even me. and thats a problem. I am like complete stone....

It upsets me that I got this whole long thing about how I was still family, how I was still gobnna be around, but yet I havent gotten a phone call in months from him. I mean my whole plan is Im gonna just drop by the day before I leave for Boot camp. and say a last goodbye. it sux, I mean Linda was like a second mother to me. she was such a wonderful lady, and even she forgot about me, that really hurts. someone I looked up to, asked advice from. She gave me so much comfort when my own mother and I had problems. She doesnt call me either. I should give her a ring to say hi. but not john, I dont want to call to say hi to him. It just hurts becasue I was made to feel like family and here I am not being family at all....it just shows you who is there and who isnt. I didnt just lose a boyfriend, or a friend, I lost a family. A family that loved me more than John did. and that really hurts. and I feel as if I will never have that kind of relationship again, not even with my own family, and that hurts aswell.
And Rosa, what the hell is up with her, she is like a sister to me, and yet she cant make the time to hang out with my Jesse or christina. that hurts too. its Like no one else exists but Rossen, and yeah shes grounded, but I mean not for nothing, it would be nice for her to make the effort, but maybe thats just asking a bit too much from her, shes like that ya know. Rossen this rossen that, but I mean what about us? God forbidd anything was to happen to her and rossens relationship, ya know guys come and go, but friends are forever, and we are supposed to be her friends. but apparently she doesnt want us to be forever, and if that happens, then I am just gonna have to tell her so. Im not taking this half fast friendships anymore, where you give your all and get nothing....it takes fucking effort, and Im tired of putting it all in and getting nothing out of it. its so hard to ask for shit like that now a days.
Ya know sometimes I feel like the big dorky girl that everyone makes fun of and is just there to amuse everyone. Im either stupid or a slut or I cant do my job right, or Im always wrong with something, never made to feel like I am in the right. Maybe I am but it still hurts. Im glad to know someone loves me. but ya know what, Im so sick of everyone saying, oh your so wonderful Leora, your So great. Well if I am so fucking great and wonderful, why the fuck does everyone treat me like shit. I feel like I cant do any better than John, or my home, or the people around me. it sucks so much, becasue I wanna be this wonderful person that everyone can talk to. but apparently I am not. Yeah Im so great, and wonderful....ya wanna know why, cuz I let the fucking world walk all over me. Im so angry and sad and I cant wait to leave everything and everyone. Gte the fuck out of here, build a life for myself. start over. I dont want to be so wonderful anymore, i want to have people really think I am wonderful, not just say it, but really mean it. That If i ever needed a damn thing, they would be there for me, like I am there for them. the only people thus far who have been like that are Jesse and Christina, Laura and Tanner. but even sometimes they arent there, but they are there more than others are, and I love them for it. John was never there like he should have been. But if I ever needed something, EVER no matter what it was, I need to know I can go to them for it. cuz the way I feel right now, Im gonna need to be with people, alot. I sit and think and I cant think anymore, its like so dangerous for me to think...
thats why Im gonna go to sleep.

silvergem @ 2003-02-27T00:46:00

2003-02-26T21:38:49Z

I keep cutting myself off...the poiunt is Im not taking shit and thats it....you wanna know why, then read the previous message....hell read the one before that too co you can start from the beginning, Im too stupid to remember not to press Cnt Enter at the same time on here LOL now im done nite nite

silvergem @ 2003-02-27T00:45:00

2003-02-26T21:37:41Z

did I bother to mention....I HATE BOATS....I think we all do right about now....Im so mad at them.....not the boys....boats......I hate the media too....how that FUCKING PRICK decided....hey let me use this girls quote under someone elses name, like I wouldnt read the fucking paper the next day. One great thing that came out of all this was JOKA.....its like really now....I cant even believe something like him came out of all this....something tells me its gotta be fate, somehow....I dont care how but soemhow.

CAN I KILL RACHEL HABER....Like everyone is like oh its ok we forgave her....Im like you cont forgive stupidity...it ha to be dealt with or the same shit just keeps on happening.....and thats bad... her calling that number to tell the cops they were on drugs was bad....was that gonna help them find them any fatser, no!.... then that shit she pulls in Sonyas Russian class....personally she was so scared that I was gonna kick her ass, She would have said anything to make it ok....She really was legitimately scared.....but I was told not to even talk to her, so I didnt....but if she even looks at me the wrong way, she wont have a face when Im done, garuntee you that.

I have reached a level where, the whole world can kiss my ass....I am not taking shit....you wanna throw it at me, Im not swallowing anymore

silvergem @ 2003-02-27T00:35:00

2003-02-26T21:28:29Z

I just have to say that now is like the worst....I hate the way myckie feels....like shes alone....I see her and I cant help but think....My GOD...I have never met a stronger woman. I felt good the other day...I have been told I was everyones rock...that they turn to me for strength....and that made me feel incredible, even when I cried.....I liked the Idea that Elena was there for me. I just dont know why they took a boat out why they had to just go ahead and drop off the earth....I hope the Ouija board was right, I hope we find them on the 4th....

Losing Carlo made me think of alot of things....about losing my mother to Cancer....about losing John....about losing my friends and not sharing more time being with them before I go away. I miss Carlo dearly....because he was an incredible being...I havent said Goodbye, becasue he is still here, watching over us all...I can talk to him any time I want to and he will be there to listen. Sonyas heart is breaking and I want to be there for her....she cries I know she doews, but she thinks she cant in front of anyone...I love her so much....kinda like a sister, although I probably dont mean that to her. I think alot of people in my life mean more to me than I mean to them. Like when I was hangin out with Olga, I tried to really be a friend, even wrote a poem about her, ofcourse she never heard it cuz I didnt want to be a dork. and Like with Rosa, I was pissed becasue I try to help her out and i felt really under appreciated....or like the other night when I rushed to Sonyas, I didnt feel very appreciated at first, I guess becasue I felt no one cared. Elena said things to make me feel better though....like with this whole thing losing Carlo and all....she said I was always there, which made me feel awsome....like maybe I am not just out there for my health

silvergem @ 2003-01-28T11:51:00

2003-01-28T08:44:29Z

May you always know that I loved you Carlo....you were the best. May you be remembered all the days of our lives.
11/29/86-01/24/03

I look at his picture and I cant believe hes even gone....I can only imagine what Miki and Sonya must feel....I had never felt energy so strong, that I couldnt keep the tears from my eyes all the way to scarsdale yesterday.

I feel terrible becasue Sonya lost both Andrew (The love of her life) and Carlo ( her best friend) then Miki loses the love of her existence Carlo. Laura lost her Ex boyfriend Henry and me I knew all three of them, hung out with all three of them, and somewhere inside, loved all three of them. Especially Carlo. I used to be envious of Miki and Carlos relationship becasue they were so much inlove, but then I just became happy for them, immensly happy. then this all happens, and Now I cant imagine what she feels, losing the love of your life like that.

I couldnt help but call John, just to tell him I loved him, just so he knew. Becasue thats the worst, loving someone and not telling them one last time. Carlo was good to me through all that, played his music for me on the hill. He was one of the few people that had faith in my carreer in music. I have to go and finish the album now, add the track he wanted me to a while ago, I just never got the chance. I have to do it now, and I regret not doing it then, when he asked, not working with him and the band. And then when I had my issues with John, he sat and he listened to me bitch, and then he made me laugh. He was never angry, never upset, like nothing ever bothered him, EVER. And I miss him so much. I dont know who Im going to spend 8th period with now, who Im gonna make Viginia jokes with, Whos gonna play my favorite blues song for me. He was a ture friend, beyond alot of others....he was a true true friend

Im going to seriously miss him truely.

And Andrew, he was always a nice kid...."You gotta stoge?" LOL everyday, that question came with a hug....he was alright deep down....He asked me once if I hated him, Im glad I said no. He made Sonya happy most of the time, and I just wanted to see him go somewhere in life, make something of himslef, cuz believe it or not, the boy had a brain, and a good one at that.

And Henry....He used to sit behind me in Bio class with Laura Moya. We used to have so much fun talking about Mr. Taylor and what a dork he was. Henry was the kind of guy that would just walk up to you and give you a hug, for no reason. And he was a genius, litterally. He was 13 in freshman year. I even remember the fights Shaina and Laura had over going out with Henry. I say Laura deserved to be with him more than Shaina did. Henry used to make you laugh, with his funky jokes and such. He was an awsome guy who I will miss greatly.

And then I think, like this is the world, death is a part of life, and I just have to get used to life and death. Its one thing to watch life go, but not know the person. Its another to be close to the person and have them go, becasue there is a void there, like it isnt complete. and this will take a long time for me to get over. They were what they were and I will miss them greatly. I will miss the boys and their music....for nothing was sweeter than watching them and listening to them play.

Shit Im gonna cry!

silvergem @ 2002-12-08T10:03:00

2002-12-08T06:56:49Z

HAPPY NEW YEAR>>>>WHEN THE HELL IS IT GONNA GET HERE AHHHHHHH

silvergem @ 2002-12-08T09:59:00

2002-12-08T06:52:35Z

I read the news today oh boy....bout a lonely man who made the grade.....wow I wish I could make the grade, but I guess that just aint gonna happen this ear. Fighting is so trivial. God has no intensions of sending me to college this year, sad but true. I wish I had more confidence in my work, but that comes seldom to my hyead. I wish alot of things for myself, things I used to have but have no more. I need to work on myself and be a better person, I cant live my life without the knowledge of success. Im tired, and Im broken. I have been broken, for as long as all this stuff started. Im tired and I feel myself giving up and over and around and through. And the world has said "No dont give up dont give in keep going try your best" everytime I try, although they may not be the right course of action for me to take, I fuck up some how. I dont know what else I can do or say except that the world has laid out these plans and its like God is testing me before I go away, see how much faliur I can handle. Not only does he plauge the actions of my life, but he plagues my thoughts and dreams and gives me brutal nightmares so that I have no choice but to cry and weep and sob when I wake up. Maybe if I had more confidence in my work, I wouldnt have cheated the way I did. Maybe everything for me right now is a wake up call. I am just so mad that I am this fuck up who makes alot of really really bad decisions. I used to think so positively and now I just cant. I am sick and I am sad. I wish I could be like someone else, someone stronger than myself, whos smarter, got a better head on my shoulders. I wish I could love myself the way other people Love me. I need help, I cant do it by myself anymore, I cant and its killing me just to no end killing me. I need ton gte out of my house, I have been here way too long, I need to just live my life like I once did, care free and happy. Now its getting really too difficult, more difficult than it would for alot of other people. Its funny some people care and some people really dont. and to tell you the truth the sad part is I need everyone to care right now. Ultimately, I see that I am alone alot of the time, and I cant help but feel that way. everyone has their own dilemas, things that they can handle. but me I was stuck with one piece of shit right after the next. When John broke up with me, 2 years gone away from me leaving only memories. When my mother went into the hospital, telling me she didnt believe me when I said I loved her. She went away for a while too. Then I get arrested and grounded for like a month, all over a silliy little bag of mary J, and not only that I really felt guilty for it. I really do because it didnt just hurt myself it hurt my parents and made them dissapointed at me, thats what hurt nmore than anything. The I went to the doctor to get a check up and they found I had a tumor. I had to wait a week not telling anyone about it till I got my results, It wasnt cancerous, but for a week I was a wreck and a half, and i couldnt stop thinking about what the hell would happen if i had cancer and was gonna die. luckily God spared me, why I have nno idea but he did. Then I have college applications to fill out. not to mention HW which a teacher got pissed off at me for cuz she thought I copied soemone else paper, when I didnt. and she gave me a zero, now shes probably gonna give me a low mark for the term. which will really bite because I have colleges to apply to this term. I mean like I cant catch a break. I just cant. Im happy my court date is this week. wont have to go to school and such which will be really nice. I just feel like crying just crying and crying and Im tired I really am tired, just of living of life Im tired, and I am sad, and I dont know what else to say, I have never been this way before, not knowing what the future will bring to me and needing so much help in my life. I am always upstanding, never needing anything from anyone and now I have to admit that I am sad, beyond sad, Im helpless and I can only push so far. I cant do it all by myself, I need help. something to really make it better. And right now Im lost. I cant turn to anyone because I dont want to be a burden on anyone and complain, I hate that being a burden on someone else and telling them my problems. I want to know myself better, be happier with myself, and know who I am and what I stand for. But these hurdels are in my way and Im not fast enough to jump over them.Im just asking God not to give up on me, dont make me plunder. I need to get myself to gether and Im asking for Gods help, I need it right now. I need patience and guidence, and love and affection, and I havent gotten alot of the things I need....and maybe because I dont really know what I need, but I know those things will help. I want to shut myself away like I did a while ago. I shut myself off and did things that I needed to do for myself, and I thinks its time I do that again. I dont know what I need, im just angry at myself, really angry at myself and I want to do better. I really want to do better. I want to be better than I was before, I want to be stronger. and I want to feel good. No more games I say.... do what I have to do and be done with it all....get it all out of my hair because I cant stand it being there anymore. This is like a Pre life syndrome, when you wake up and realize your not 10 or 12 or 15 anymore. Your almost 18 people expect more now because you have reached the fucking magical age and you got no where to go but up. well I just keep going down. and it sux like you wouldnt believe. But I have to keep going right, I mean I have to keep the ball moving. I am just gonna sit very silent in her class from now on. Hell I wont talk to anybody. I wont even raise my hand....just do what the chineese girls do, sit and not say anything. and if she asks me whats wrong, Ill tell her im getting my life together, just like that. I have to do this for myself....get my priorities in line and not dwell over what I cant control. its so much easier said than done though.

silvergem @ 2002-11-29T22:29:00

2002-11-29T19:22:45Z

I hate pressing the worng button=....cuz then it sends my post without me finishing....anyway....I guess I have nothing more to say except, I just want John to Love me forever....thats all.....I want someone to love me forever, not just for a little while, but forever, and when they say it they mean it. And they have their life together enough to know what they want. I dont know...somedays I feel strong, sometimes I dont. I want to be strong and be wise and have a good head on my shoulders...and i want to be a good judge of character.....I think people are really picky. but I dont want to get hurt....its my biggest fear. I dunno....I think im just gonna go. ttyal

silvergem @ 2002-11-29T22:18:00

2002-11-29T19:11:25Z

Why am I so sad....I want to be happy. I want to be the happiest girl in the world again. I have never been so sad in my whole life, ever. I have never wanted something so bad before, and I want my John. I want him so bad I can taste it. Its like I need to be with him. I need to hold him and love him and it kills me to know its over. Like it just all hit me today, like a beam of steel right in the face. and boy does it hurt me. I am tired of this, all of it. Im tired of being made to feel like everything is all my fault, that my choices in everything arent right or arent good. everyone thinks Im wrong with everything, my sense of character, my sense of self, the world around me. Its like Im always wrong all the time. Even the closest of friends make me feel this way. John even makes me feel like this. He cant accept it and he cant understand that I am my own person and I want to make misatakes like I am destined to. I am tired of living by eveyone elses rules in life, like I am trying to be this thing they all want me to be, so agreeable with no mind of my own, no likes or dislikes and sometimes glad to go after things that arent necessarily good for me. I dont know what I mean. Maybe im worng to think that way. I try t stay clear of people not good for me, but I soemtimes try o see the good in people, and it doesnt always work I guess

silvergem @ 2002-11-27T20:38:00

2002-11-27T17:31:58Z

So so tired....Only got an hour and half sleep last night. I didnt go to sleep till 4:30 because Villani wanted her stupid Tipps Assignment thing due today. I am on a cookie binge....sweets for me...I gott lose some weight. I gotta do alot of theings, I gotta get my life together. I feel very out of it....My court date draws close and I am afraid for "The man" you should know who "The Man" is. Or maybe you dont, but I am pretty sure you could figure it out. It was nice, today I got to see all the people I ahvent seen in so long. I miss alot of my friends that left me last year and the year before.
I saw Christina today and she looked so Pretty....Like our Ad says she is. Shes leaving us soon, gonna go to Kennedy, but because that school is so easy and she is so smart, shell have lots of free time due to the work being easier than here at Science. Ehh I say good for her, getting out while she still can. She says shes scared, I dont blame her, I would be too, but This is a positive step for her to make, if it works for her, then by all means she should do it. And all I want her to know is that she isnt alone. She has Luke, Rosa, Jesse, Myself and Erica. She has people who love her very much and would do anything for her. I know I would. I dont think I ever fully realized what great people I am surronded with. I mean I dont have a lot of people in my life I can Honestly say I love....Besides my family, I have Jesse, John, Christina, Laura, Rosa, Sonya, Nick and Joe. I mean of all the people I know, I can always rely on these people for anything at all. Christina was there for me when I went through all my shit the past 5 months, I want to be there for her now more than anything. Tjose girls are like my sisters and they always will be, Forever. And never in my life have I been adament about keeping relationships like these. Love is something that I have closed my self up to, and Im not afraid to say that you have to meet certain criteria in order for me to love you. And for the first time, its not like my friendships are one way streets, I honestly feel that they love me as much as I love them, and that is something worth holding on too. I have always wanted to say that I have a friend, just a friend. Now I was blessed with best 5 girlfriends and best 3 boy friends anyone could ask for.
I have been feeling needy, soemthing I dont know if I necessarily want to be feeling that way. My love life is rather rocky. I mean cuz I dont know what I want from anyone, because I dont know what I want from myself. I know I want the respect I feel I deserve. Im not gonna settle for mistakes to be taken so many times. Its like a 3 strikes your out kinda rule with me now. And it may seem cold and selfish, But I totally cant stand to have screw ups in my life, and care about people I hardly know. but there are also people, Im thinkin, maybe they are worth my time. Like Val, He was really sweet, to come over all the way from jersey, even if it was a half hour ride, to see me for a couple of hours and watch a movie. I like that in a guy, that doesnt mind parking his car and seeing me even when hes not supposed to. That really made me feel good. I like him, I think we get along, he seems like a really nice guy. Dan came to school the other day to drop off a calculator for me. He came all the way from Queens to see me. that made me feel good too. I never understood why people do that for me. I dont feel like they should go out of their way for me, especially now, considering I really dont know what I want. Im following my heart right now...If I want it It will stick by me and come forth and show itss elf and something worth my while. Actually Im kinda enjoying all the niceness of people seeing me. John never did any of that sort of thing....maybe that why I felt I didnt deserve it. I always went to visit him, he only came to my house maybe 5 times during our whole relationship. That really depressed me, cuz I wanted to feel like I was important to see, I guess....Sometimes I didnt feel that way. If it was too difficult for him to do, then he didnt do it. like comming over. If he couldnt park then he wouldnt stay. My crushes have been rather on the unhealthy side too. I had the hugest crush on David Chesler, but he wont have me cuz Im too young for him, which I completely expected. Hes way to smart for me, hes so out of my leauge, even if I was of age. And "The man" I have no Idea where I stand with him. Somewhere between fuck buddy and employee of the month or soemthing....cant really tell. But I Like "The Man" even though I shouldnt. I dont even know what he thinks about me. obviously he thinks of me or he wouldnt call me. I still have a thing for Evan, eventually something will come of that, just not exactly sure as to what. I want to see Mel happy to. Hes such a nice guy and really seet and I really wanna see him happy. I mean now that Im single, I have no idea what is going on with me. I guess I also miss John alot too. JUst as a person, to have his company. But Im moving on and things are scary. I dont know who im gonna meet and whats gonna happen to me. I Guess Im accepting that as the fun part of it all. I think I need to know the fun of dating for a while, getting to know people, and having them care enough to want to see me and be with me. I cant be so willing anymore, its like an aution almost. But not exactly. anyway...Im tired....gonna get myself going nite nite

silvergem @ 2002-11-10T00:46:00

2002-11-09T21:40:19Z

So here I stand head in had, turned my face to the wall
I feel empty at the moment, Like im missing something
my life took this turn recently, from where it came from I dont know, but Im supposed to be ashamed cuz society says I have to be
Let me be me
I say
I just want to live again
put the month behind me
be free from insanity keeping me locked in its "cage"
im gonna sound cheesy, but when you dont write as much as I have, I you have alot to say
you probably wont read it all, too much for your A.D.D eyes to handle, so youll glance and move on....thats alright is it really for your benifit anyway?
Im tired of living this way, like I think I know it all, I do to some degree, but other times I have no Idea
Im breaking down and the world tells me Im strong
but in point of fact, I have my weaknesses
Like john is a weakness
and maybe someone else too
but not like John, no not like John
and maybe I think its alright, because here is a part of my life im comfortable mleaving behind
I so I thought I was better, I thought I was strong
Through the death of my relationship, a part of my heart
To the near destruction of my mothers mind
To the near collapse of my own life through stupid childish stupidity, and not knowing when enough is too much
I speak in riddle right now, cuz I know what I mean....maybe you ont know, or dont want to know, but I see what it is I see
All I have ever wanted in life....ever at all....was to become something great, wonderful beautiful, and have one other, just one other see them, no strings attached, no quarrels to dig myself out of, nothing of that sort. Just love and be loved for the rest of my life. Loving myself isnt the issue anymore, I know what I am and its all I can be, and I have grown to accept that.
Today I was told someone regretted my leaving, that I was something great to them, I seem to be great for everyone , so they say, and yet tey throw me away...right down to my own mother. Ill never forget the day I came home and there she stood and accused me of never loving her, never giving myself enough, I thought I tried my est and again it wasnt what was needed out of me. Its like a compliance I cant fill, and creative mind hungry for what it cannot eat.
Someone thought I was great once, he said I was his everything, and then he got selfish and greedy and left me where I am today. I look bak and say maybe I didnt love myself enough, so I begin to love myself hoping someone else will love me too.
maybe Im not all the things I thought I was, maybe I wanted someone to show me....But I know what I am...its just nice enough to have someone else see it too, that wont leave me at the drop of a hat, when the going gets rough or something else with long legs walks by.
maybe Im just a hopeless romantic with revolutionary conservative Ideas, about believing in what I am and seeing the good in a world that only produces evils we hear about in books
I just saw the weirdest movie....About a convict that escapes from prison, and his whole life he was a trouble maker. he gets stuck in a storm wih a woman, really beautiful cello player. and tehy tell each other stories, the mean time the whole freakin state is looking for him. and the twom of them sit comfortably with each other. He has this crazy dream of owning a poetry nightclub with jazz and friends....but he is serving 2 life sentences, so its just a fantasy, ya know the one thing they cant take away from you in the slammer...the whole story is weird, but there is one thing in that whole movie that made me feel the way I do right now, sincerely spoken and completely unrealistic that it can only be a dream if said in reality...."thsi is one of the happiest nights of my life, and for this night I Love you, and I will always love you just for the way I feel right now"
I dont know why it strikes a cord with me...I dont know why love strikes a cord in me, I think its because my parents dont love eachother, evryone seems fine with this concept, "my parents dont love each other, im fine with this.." Im not...I cant be, the whole concept of matrimony, the whole thought of loving someone as two people together as one fully consums my mind sometimes, because I never saw this as a child. aand maybe Im just at heart a girl who knows nothing of the world i which she lives, but I am still a woman, and I just want to hear, even if its for a moment, that I am beautiful that I am smart, that I dont have to convince myself everytime the words arent said, I want it to be sincere, like im the only one alive, I dont wnat there to be a string attached to ever word thats said to me, an expectation of a compliment in return....just said because its meant. and maybe in the world in which we live its too much to ask for.

Ya know for the first time Iwas scared, scared about how someone really felt about me, afraid to lose all the love I based myself on to an illness....My mother always said she loved me, but maybe it also had strings attached, she couldnt see how much I truely cared and thats why she went mad, maybe thats the reason, I still thionk despite what I present to know, maybe it was jy fault, maybe I wasnt a good daughter, maybe I wasnt enough of a friend, maybe I wasnt understanding enough as a girlfriend, maybe I can only be loved a day at a time, till something else comes around thats more important. my mother left my side to take care of my sister, understandably so, its not easy having a siser that has special needs, maybe my father left my side because he couldnt deal with my mother, maybe John left my side because he couldnt deal with the fact I was human, maybe simone left my side because I wasnt cool enought to be her friend, maybe jason left my side cuz ididnt do drugs, maybe tanner left my side cuz he was scared of me, maybe keith left because he doesnt like to accept the fact he can be worng, maybe I am jst knowing the worng people....but my parents? why not them...I have this feeling of lonliness....
And suddenly I dont feel so alone...I feel rather healthy now, now that I have laid what I want out on the table for the millionth time....hopeless romantics never get what they want, they settle because they know what the want cant exist, and when it does, something so profound is in the way...Like age for example. not to say this is directed toward anyone in particular cuz its really not....I just dont want to be hurt anymnore, by anyone....is it really too much to ask. can I not get along without having to worry about every word comming from someones mouth being BULLSHIT....Why is it so hard for someone to see me as being beautiful....like I am special and amazing and believe this, as i believe in them these things...I just pray what I want is somewhere out there.....aybe its so close I can taste it....and maybe im so lost I cant feel it.
I love myself, lord knows I think Im great, I just dont want to keep thinking in the back of my mind that I am lying to myself, that because of who I am I cant be loved and this feeling I have for myself is untrue.
I cant think of writing anymore....maybe just maybe Ill be alright...maybe someone will stick around for the long haul....hopefully it can be the case....and if I am to be alone for the rest of my life....better get myself a cat

yeah so thats me

2002-10-11T13:14:07Z

What's Your Magic Power?
brought to you by Quizilla

People always complain I never write in here....well I write when I need to write, when I feel the need for release. and yeah shit has been pretty bad and stuff what with my mom sick and all and school and not having John and being unsure of what I may be in for now and the fact I have a tumor, but not serious on top of all that college applications well thats a good thing....so now that there is nothing else to say...now that I gave the online people the last 4 months of my existence. now tyhat you are all updated...i probably wont write here for a while, cuz I find that I have nothing to say.

nite nite

silvergem @ 2002-09-15T23:07:00

2002-09-15T20:01:48Z

I havent written in here in quite the long time...guess I almost forgot what it was like to release....

ya know not for nothing...but am I deep...I often ask myself this question in hopes of hearing an answer thats the truth and not the dissillusion I allude my self to believe.

I am so retarded because I felt like this song calls out to me...so I have to pick up the music and learn to sing it...

Love wandered inside
stronger than you
stronger than I
And now that it has begun
W cannot turn back
We can only turn into one

I wont ever be too far away to feel you
and I wont hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And Ill always remember
the part of you so tender
Ill be the one to catch your fall

And Im truly inspired
finding my soul
there in your eyes
And you
have opened my heart
and lifted me indie
By showing me yourself
Undisguised

And I wont ever be too far away to feel you
And I wont hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And Ill always remember
The part of you so tender
Ill be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call

And I will breathe for you each day
comfort you through all the pain
Gently kiss your fears away
You can turn to me and cry
always understand that I
Give you all I am inside

And I wont ever be too far away to feel you
And I wont hesitate at all
Whenever you call

I wont ever be too far away to feel you
And I wont hesitate at all
Whenever you call
Ill always remember
The part of you so tender
And be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call

This song makes me think of him and I end up feeling like hes it for me like thats all life is for me...just having him there will make me the happiest girl in the world....

And then I think what if there is a man that can appreciate me even more...love me like I love myself.It kills me it really does...I just dont want to be hurt...all I ever wanted to do i n my life was love and be loved...have that one person in my life that I can marry and have kids with and grow old with with not too many fights...just enough to keep it interesting and not even have them be fights...like debates. I want to be made to feel like Im the luckiest girl in the world...and I want him to feel like hes lucky. I have never been with someone that made me as happy as he makes me. someone who is my equal no matter how much older or younger they may be than myself....to be on an even playing field. someone who is cutely immatue and not in this world where its all serious. I am inlove with a man thats good for me...thats right for me and I only wish could be it for him...it sux being young and inlove. you have so much more to see than whats infront of you...and you spend your time wondering it whats infront of you is really it for you. but on the other hand...you look in the eyes of this person, standing in your space and him standing in his....looking in his eyes, and knowing that this is it...this is right....this is what you want in your life...and no amount of time can destroy that feeling.
Ever since I was a little girl, I had this picture of what love should be playing in my mind...but when I met him, it all went away. And I can capture this world so much dearer, because what I have is real, every breath, every beat, every taste thats just as sweet, is worth the tears we cry, or the questions why, and at the end of the day when we cry, we dont cry for sorrow or remorse, we cry for the joy of what matters most, in this world and the next. the love we feel today is a shadow of tomorrows future, and if spirit or god or allah or whoever you want, bids you happiness....then waiting is just moments...till that love returns to your heart, where it once laid its head...and returns to your reats, stronger than before.

silvergem @ 2002-08-11T22:18:00

2002-08-11T19:13:28Z

I am so not in the mood to watch this crap...lost lovers off in war. And can you really blame me.

All I asked was god to send me a lover, someone to hold, some one to smile with and laugh with and talk with and walk with.

I called him the other day...and he told me that he felt the past three years of his life were one big mistake....I tried not to cry...but I am now...three days later.

How can feelings so moving and so strong and so bold, be a mistake? be wrong? be impracticle?

I wrote him something a prayer I keep in my own wallet. something that I myself should take advice from. and everytime I read my own words they dont feel like mine...they feel like I got it off a hallmark card...something I wasnt really going for...but they came from my soul. and every word was written with a tear, salt that should be cherished. Thats where I thought the ocean came from when I was a kid...Gods tears in a hole.

well if you really want them, I send my rayer out to you too...whomever you may be.

A Prayer For You

I pray that you are happy
May spirit guide your way
may she make you smile
for the rest of your born days

I pray you become successful
in what you choose to do
because this world will make some room
for genius such as you

I pray that you stay healthy
in body mind and soul
because you deserve to love yourself
more than anyone I know

I pray you are protected
from the world in which we live
may you never be hurt by anyone
for as long as you may live

I pray that you stay confident
on the road ahead
Because we've all walked beside you
with everything you've said

I pray that you find strength
in order to survive
'Cuz with as strong a spirit as you have
I know you'll stay alive

I pray you keep good judgement
in what you do and say
because regrets take so much time
to think about each day

Finally I pray you realize love
from yourself and those around
because its never far away
it always can be found

I hope my words have reached you
I hope spirit heard my plea
And maybe if im really good
She'll tell you it came from me.

---Leora Giacoia---

the perfect man

2002-07-29T08:20:40Z

Is there such a thing as the perfect man? I would so love to think so...what is he to me? I can no longer tell....well we could list waht I want in a man, and this is a livejournal, so that really wont matter will it? ok well here I go...

The perfect man
1) he must be something of a character.
2) never shady never dull
3) have green eyes, (those blonde haired blue eyed men freak me out)
4) He should want to run around with me and not feel stupid about it.
5) Make a joke to apologize for silly mistakes.
6) be serious when he needs to be, but know how to lighten the moment with a smile.
7) He must listen to the word NO and know when it is serious.
8) Preferably taller, but size doesnt matter too much.
9) talk polotics without getting offened if you call him a bleeding heart libral or a hard nosed republican.
10) Never be possesive or malicious.
11) Admit he is wrong.
12) explain things with out getting angry.
13) tell me when I am wrong and make me understand so that I dont cause him pain.
14) Smile! need I say more...?
15) not afraid to let me in, cuz this will give me comfort to be open
16) Be understanding
17) have a life, but still make time to talk even if its for a min
18) call just to say he hasnt forgotten who I am
19) hold me really tight
20) make love like it means the world to him
21) be realistic but not shoot down my dreams of utopia
22) make me aware of the world around me and guide me when I need it
23) be a friend before he is a lover
24) never cheat
25) never lie...honesty is always a must, especially when it comes to feeling
26) be accepting of things that can not be changed...and not rant on with complaints of things he can not change.
27) a Job would be nice
28) not afraid to be romantic (PDA all the way!)
29) not afraid to be daring
30) compasionate to the world he lives in
31) humble, or modest...its one thing to know your good another to let the rest of the world know it too
32) listen and not assume.
33) wisdome is always a beautiful thing
34) not be afraid to cry infront of me
35) partake in group activities
36) show no shame in being with me
37) love me unconditionally
38) respect my wishes and understand that they are important to me
39) have some sort of morality
40) have respect for the opinions of others
41) never talk down to others or treat them like they are stupid for not knowing or understanding things
42) keep a secret
43) come to my defense
44) know that there is a time and a place for everything.
45) not afraid to go away to places.
46) know that work isnt life and life isnt work
47) treat me like a best friend even if we are more
48) not afraid to be loud in public
49) knowing laughing doesnt have to hurt
50) never laugh at the expense of others
51) is giving
52) is receptive
53) can say he loves me and mean it
54) can be crazy Ie...loves to skinny dip...or would go bungy jumping or sing
55) speaking of singing...would serenate every so often...even if he isnt musically inclined
56) loves to learn new things about people, the world or even himself.
57) not afraid to grow
58) have direction
59) doesnt worry about how the wrold will precieve him, but knows that the people who love him are the people who matter.
60) Knows that I love yous are forever
61) would play in the rain or snow
62) accepts the beauty of nature and what is around him, at least in private
63) is macho when he needs to be, and is protective of the things he cherishes.
64) likes the ocean
65) has imagination
66) is constantly willing to change his mind, or consider valid points made by others
67) would do things from the heart and at the spurr of the moment.
68) knows actions speak louder than words
69) remembers that family is important
70) will include me in activities and is appreciiative in being included in activities
71) loves to go out and see the world
72) likes long trips (even if he has to do all the driving)
73) intellectual
74) loves to play around or wrestle
75) enjoys helping others
76) has to be cute...should have some sort of looks that wont repulse me at some point
77) a tender kisser but can be aggressive at times
78) is proud of himslef and those he loves...doesnt feel that life is one big competition

I think thats pretty much it....they are all equally important to me and are in particular order. It makes me feel good that I have all these things in mind. I know that there is no man on this green earth that can possibly fill ALL of these requirements, but really would love to try. I mean most of them to me are easier than people think they are find, yet some of them are difficult. one day in some life, Ill find them some way.

silvergem @ 2002-07-14T21:40:00

2002-07-14T18:35:48Z

Its really funny...but this week I have taken time for myself as well as giving time to John...and I feel so intouch with myself at the moment. And I feel beautiful, something alot of people dont really feel very often. I always pray that I would feel this...but through uncertainty, I feel certain...about Love. I will never fully know what the future holds for me, or for anyone, but I do know this much. A love like this is once and forever, I will never love again like I do today. and I will take that to the grave with me. Never before this...actually before yesterday...when I held him in my arms...I never felt him like that...I felt him, how he was secure in what he felt was right, even without me. He was scared, and so was I but in his eyes, I found what I have wanted for so long. I felt his stare bear down into mysoul like never before, and from that I have realized that this is it. No matter what he decides for us, I will never lose the unconditional faith that I have in him, in his world, and in my feelings. he is all I will ever need in my world. as long as he is there, I can make it through everything in this world.

Today I was watching a movie that I never thought I would be watching. yeah I thought it was dumb at first, like everyother movie I have seen involving the typical teen world...but this was so different. I never thought I could relate to this in my life, but I did and it made me think for a long time. and I realized that love is something that with time will change. and it may get harder and with every hard step comes a building of faith. And I have faith. I will wait forever for him, I will, because there is no one in this world that will ever amount to the man that he is. I am completely taken by his smile, his dreams, his thoughts, his heart, his body, his soul.

I also never realized how wise the bible was until today...that yes when instilling religion, it sux royaly. but for motivation and wisdome, it is as pure as it gets...and when I heard this quote it made me cry. I fell in love with it because I realized it was everything I needed to do, things I wasnt doing before. things I realized was important for me to achieve, and this was it.

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13

I guess this tells me something about myself. I am fully prepared to do this and I have grown patient, I no longer envy, I am no longer jelouse, I shall not boast, I will notbe prod (except for him), I shall not be angered by wrongs commited towards me, I will not seek for myself in a selfish manner, I shall keep no tally of how he has wronged me and be forgiving of his faults, for we all have them. I will protect him in every aspect, and love him for the truth he shows me. no matter what happens in this life, in this relationship, I know he is the soulmate I have always searched for and because I searched so hard, I never realized what was infront of me. there are so many other things I want to say and I looked at quotes to maybe explain them better than I can...so here they are.

Friendship is love with understanding.

The road of life is made smoother when traveled with someone we love.

If I give you a reason for loving, I give me a reason for living.

If loving is touching, then you have touched.

Love sees all, forgives all, and remembers.

Love in the heart wasn't put there to stay;
Love isn't love 'til it's given away.

Choose your love, then love your choice.

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you,
I could walk in my garden forever.

Happiness is being married to your best friend.

She is not fair to outward view
As many maidens be:
Her loveliness I never knew
Until she smiled on me.
Hartley Coleridge

What comes from the heart goes to the heart.
Coleridge

Absence extinguishes small passions and increases great ones, as the wind will blow out a candle, and blow in a fire.
Duc de La Rochefoucauld

Happiness is a perfume which you cannot pour on someone without getting some on yourself.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.
Elinor Glyn

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less.
Rabbi Julius Gordon

Give smiles to those who love you less, But keep your tears for me.
Thomas Moore

We can do no great things... only small things with great love.
Mother Theresa

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands.
Alexander Penny

Thou wast that all to me, love,
For which my soul did pine--
A green isle in the sea, love,
A fountain and shrine,
All wreathed with fairy fruits and flowers,
And all the flowers were mine.
Edgar Allen Poe

Thank you, my dear
You came, and you did
well to come: I needed
you. You have made
love blaze up in
my breast-bless you!
Bless you as often
as the hours have
been endless to me
while you were gone.
Sappho

Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.
William Shakespeare

Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence.
Sydney Smith

The first duty of love is to listen.
Paul Tillich

Do you not see that you and I are as the branches in one tree? With your rejoicing comes my laughter; with your sadness start my tears. Love, could life be otherwise with You and Me?
Tzu Yeh

All these have touched my heart in different ways no matter how sappy they may be to everyone else, they each hold some bit of truth to them...But there is one thing that I will never forget as long as I am here in this existence...

"I would die for you" I said....
"But dont die for me, Love, Live for me"
John Anthony Pizzirusso

Yesterday, was the first time I have smiled in a full week...I dont mean an empty smile, but a smile of complete feeling and emotion, so much I didnt know where to put it all...and though his uncertainty in me, in us, is all still a mystery to me, I will be as patient as I can possibly be, for my love for him goes beyond any that I can feel for anyone.

I hope he sees this one day...hears my words, then believes like he never has before. because through all this, pain that I have felt, I have recieved something greater than I could ever dream, and now I am content. forever an always will I be content. because I have felt something greater than the love I felt before. I felt a friendship and lover all in one....

And all it took was one hug last night.