I am so tired...Its like everything I do, is never where I can really be. I cant do anything right, not even college. It blows man....I dont even know where Im going now, and time is really running out with everything. I havent seen Joey in like forever, and I miss mel. I read his live journal, he misses someone. its sad, hes like never happy, and that bothers me, becasue I thinik through everything Mel should be happy. I dont know whats up with Sonya, I mean I have tried nothing but to be nice to her, and she has been bitching at me, I try to be nice and she gives me an attitude. I have done alot for her, and yet again I dont feel as if I am getting my fair share of what I have given, which makes me feel like shit. Ya know, when I was at her house and was really upset, she was like "suck it up" in not so many words and that pissed me off, becasue if she cant why should I. I dont know, Im just pissed in general at the moment. I cant stand drama anymore and Im rather tired of people still dramatizing over Carlo and Andrew, like shoshanna, I hate her....shes not the nicest of people. And someone should really tell her that Andrew and Carlo hated her too....maybe that will send the clue that shes a faker.
I read Johns profile today, why I dont know but I did. and it kills me, absolutly kills me that he is happy and I am not. after all the sacrifices after all the tears and the heart ache, I am the one left unhappy. Tanner tries to make me happy, but honestly I dont think Im ready to recieve it. A part of me still feels undeserving, after all the I love Yous and everything, I cant believe that anymore, I really just cant. After 10 months of single life, I am still not ready to move on, and maybe thats just because I am hurt. Tanner is a sweet person, honestly he truly is, but I mean I feel as if he wants something Im not ready to give. Every time he says I love you, I cant say anything becasue I just .....am not there. I feel as if its like he is looking for me to say I love you too....and I m not ready for that, I like him alot, but I dont love him, I dont know if I will love him. I cant open myself like that again. I will end up hurting him too, I know I will. I mean college is so close, and I know what I want for myself, there is no way of getting around it. I dont want to hurt anyone, and me saying I love you will only make things so much worse. I dont want this to get too serious, not now anyway. maybe later on in my life yeah, but I cant do this now, its like way to hard for me.
John is still a part of my thoughts too. I dont know why is it a guy like him can be so happy, but a girl "as wonderful" as I am can be so unhappy. and I am unhappy, becasue I cant let anything make me happy right now. its like beating a dead horse. I am beginning to think I wont ever be happy....no one makes me happy, not even me. and thats a problem. I am like complete stone....
It upsets me that I got this whole long thing about how I was still family, how I was still gobnna be around, but yet I havent gotten a phone call in months from him. I mean my whole plan is Im gonna just drop by the day before I leave for Boot camp. and say a last goodbye. it sux, I mean Linda was like a second mother to me. she was such a wonderful lady, and even she forgot about me, that really hurts. someone I looked up to, asked advice from. She gave me so much comfort when my own mother and I had problems. She doesnt call me either. I should give her a ring to say hi. but not john, I dont want to call to say hi to him. It just hurts becasue I was made to feel like family and here I am not being family at all....it just shows you who is there and who isnt. I didnt just lose a boyfriend, or a friend, I lost a family. A family that loved me more than John did. and that really hurts. and I feel as if I will never have that kind of relationship again, not even with my own family, and that hurts aswell.
And Rosa, what the hell is up with her, she is like a sister to me, and yet she cant make the time to hang out with my Jesse or christina. that hurts too. its Like no one else exists but Rossen, and yeah shes grounded, but I mean not for nothing, it would be nice for her to make the effort, but maybe thats just asking a bit too much from her, shes like that ya know. Rossen this rossen that, but I mean what about us? God forbidd anything was to happen to her and rossens relationship, ya know guys come and go, but friends are forever, and we are supposed to be her friends. but apparently she doesnt want us to be forever, and if that happens, then I am just gonna have to tell her so. Im not taking this half fast friendships anymore, where you give your all and get nothing....it takes fucking effort, and Im tired of putting it all in and getting nothing out of it. its so hard to ask for shit like that now a days.
Ya know sometimes I feel like the big dorky girl that everyone makes fun of and is just there to amuse everyone. Im either stupid or a slut or I cant do my job right, or Im always wrong with something, never made to feel like I am in the right. Maybe I am but it still hurts. Im glad to know someone loves me. but ya know what, Im so sick of everyone saying, oh your so wonderful Leora, your So great. Well if I am so fucking great and wonderful, why the fuck does everyone treat me like shit. I feel like I cant do any better than John, or my home, or the people around me. it sucks so much, becasue I wanna be this wonderful person that everyone can talk to. but apparently I am not. Yeah Im so great, and wonderful....ya wanna know why, cuz I let the fucking world walk all over me. Im so angry and sad and I cant wait to leave everything and everyone. Gte the fuck out of here, build a life for myself. start over. I dont want to be so wonderful anymore, i want to have people really think I am wonderful, not just say it, but really mean it. That If i ever needed a damn thing, they would be there for me, like I am there for them. the only people thus far who have been like that are Jesse and Christina, Laura and Tanner. but even sometimes they arent there, but they are there more than others are, and I love them for it. John was never there like he should have been. But if I ever needed something, EVER no matter what it was, I need to know I can go to them for it. cuz the way I feel right now, Im gonna need to be with people, alot. I sit and think and I cant think anymore, its like so dangerous for me to think...
thats why Im gonna go to sleep.
I read Johns profile today, why I dont know but I did. and it kills me, absolutly kills me that he is happy and I am not. after all the sacrifices after all the tears and the heart ache, I am the one left unhappy. Tanner tries to make me happy, but honestly I dont think Im ready to recieve it. A part of me still feels undeserving, after all the I love Yous and everything, I cant believe that anymore, I really just cant. After 10 months of single life, I am still not ready to move on, and maybe thats just because I am hurt. Tanner is a sweet person, honestly he truly is, but I mean I feel as if he wants something Im not ready to give. Every time he says I love you, I cant say anything becasue I just .....am not there. I feel as if its like he is looking for me to say I love you too....and I m not ready for that, I like him alot, but I dont love him, I dont know if I will love him. I cant open myself like that again. I will end up hurting him too, I know I will. I mean college is so close, and I know what I want for myself, there is no way of getting around it. I dont want to hurt anyone, and me saying I love you will only make things so much worse. I dont want this to get too serious, not now anyway. maybe later on in my life yeah, but I cant do this now, its like way to hard for me.
John is still a part of my thoughts too. I dont know why is it a guy like him can be so happy, but a girl "as wonderful" as I am can be so unhappy. and I am unhappy, becasue I cant let anything make me happy right now. its like beating a dead horse. I am beginning to think I wont ever be happy....no one makes me happy, not even me. and thats a problem. I am like complete stone....
It upsets me that I got this whole long thing about how I was still family, how I was still gobnna be around, but yet I havent gotten a phone call in months from him. I mean my whole plan is Im gonna just drop by the day before I leave for Boot camp. and say a last goodbye. it sux, I mean Linda was like a second mother to me. she was such a wonderful lady, and even she forgot about me, that really hurts. someone I looked up to, asked advice from. She gave me so much comfort when my own mother and I had problems. She doesnt call me either. I should give her a ring to say hi. but not john, I dont want to call to say hi to him. It just hurts becasue I was made to feel like family and here I am not being family at all....it just shows you who is there and who isnt. I didnt just lose a boyfriend, or a friend, I lost a family. A family that loved me more than John did. and that really hurts. and I feel as if I will never have that kind of relationship again, not even with my own family, and that hurts aswell.
And Rosa, what the hell is up with her, she is like a sister to me, and yet she cant make the time to hang out with my Jesse or christina. that hurts too. its Like no one else exists but Rossen, and yeah shes grounded, but I mean not for nothing, it would be nice for her to make the effort, but maybe thats just asking a bit too much from her, shes like that ya know. Rossen this rossen that, but I mean what about us? God forbidd anything was to happen to her and rossens relationship, ya know guys come and go, but friends are forever, and we are supposed to be her friends. but apparently she doesnt want us to be forever, and if that happens, then I am just gonna have to tell her so. Im not taking this half fast friendships anymore, where you give your all and get nothing....it takes fucking effort, and Im tired of putting it all in and getting nothing out of it. its so hard to ask for shit like that now a days.
Ya know sometimes I feel like the big dorky girl that everyone makes fun of and is just there to amuse everyone. Im either stupid or a slut or I cant do my job right, or Im always wrong with something, never made to feel like I am in the right. Maybe I am but it still hurts. Im glad to know someone loves me. but ya know what, Im so sick of everyone saying, oh your so wonderful Leora, your So great. Well if I am so fucking great and wonderful, why the fuck does everyone treat me like shit. I feel like I cant do any better than John, or my home, or the people around me. it sucks so much, becasue I wanna be this wonderful person that everyone can talk to. but apparently I am not. Yeah Im so great, and wonderful....ya wanna know why, cuz I let the fucking world walk all over me. Im so angry and sad and I cant wait to leave everything and everyone. Gte the fuck out of here, build a life for myself. start over. I dont want to be so wonderful anymore, i want to have people really think I am wonderful, not just say it, but really mean it. That If i ever needed a damn thing, they would be there for me, like I am there for them. the only people thus far who have been like that are Jesse and Christina, Laura and Tanner. but even sometimes they arent there, but they are there more than others are, and I love them for it. John was never there like he should have been. But if I ever needed something, EVER no matter what it was, I need to know I can go to them for it. cuz the way I feel right now, Im gonna need to be with people, alot. I sit and think and I cant think anymore, its like so dangerous for me to think...
thats why Im gonna go to sleep.