Silverai's Space

Just keep swimming

silverai — Tue, 02 Dec 2014 02:00:23 GMT

Hi Dreamwidth/Livejournal,

It's been over two years since I've posted, and I've not bothered to read my friends list much in that time either. I've been hanging out with the cool kid, Facebook. Except I now have too many friends there, diverse enough friends on Facebook that I feel trapped there, that I can't post a great majority of what I think, feel, have opinions on, and so forth for fear that a friend will know it's about them, or a friend will think it's about them even if it's not, that a friend will self-identify with something and then our friendship will be hurt, or even that different segments of friends will get the wrong idea about me which will negatively impact my ability to act and contribute within real life groups.

In desperation, I have come back here, just so I have a place to vent. All my friends here have probably also moved on too, I dunno. It's still kinda public though, while being hidden away from the main part of my public life and the only people I've friended here and therefore hopefully the only people who know about this journal, I'm happy to have know this stuff, so this journal will do.

I have too much on my plate. So many different things on there. Things that once gave me joy and are now just additional heavy weights of responsibility and obligation, full of joylessness. I am also failing at fulfilling many of those responsibilities and obligations, which in itself is another heavy weight. Furthermore, I cannot see anything that I am willing to take off the plate right now, it is all things that I feel must stay on there.

I am currently surviving with the mantra "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" because logically it's the only thing to do; keep swimming forward and doing what I can, because not doing anything won't help the problem. I feel like it's hopeless though, that there's no winning, that failure in multiple avenues is inevitable. I am working to clear things off the plate - in another week one thing will be clear, and another month a second thing will be clear. Regardless, I feel like no matter what I clear off my plate, I will simply discover other things underneath to take its place. There is too much. I have other things that I should be adding to my plate in order to get ahead in life, and I find myself reluctant to add those things. Even though I will long-term benefit from them, because short-term (one year, heck even six months) it's all too much. The plate is creaking and I stopped being hungry a long time ago.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. But don't bother thinking it will all work out in the end, I'm tired of thinking that it will get easier or lighter. It's all a burden, and it sucks, and I'm tired of bearing the extra weight of making myself think it will be fine. It's not fine. It's hopeless. But I'm swimming anyway.

This entry was originally posted at http://silverai.dreamwidth.org/109822.html and is automatically cross-posted here.

Home Alone

silverai — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 02:08:09 GMT

About a month or so ago, Zig announced he was planning to go bushwalking for two or three days. So this week he took Thursday and Friday off work, and started out on the Bibbulman track from Mundaring Weir yesterday morning, planning to be picked up from Brookton Highway on Saturday evening. I wasn't too worried about him going alone because 1) he had a phone with good reception and GPS, and 2) Zig is resourceful. I was going to miss him, but I was also looking forward to some time at home alone. Last night, he called to say he was going to cut it short (the track had more 'hills for no reason' than he thought it would) and would get picked up this evening instead.

I found myself unsettled. I found myself less able to enjoy the time alone I still had left, instead dwelling on the time to come I would miss out on. I'm finding myself resentful. It's annoying to feel this way, but I feel this way anyway. Time alone occasionally can be rejuvenating, and I had settled into expecting it for two nights, only to have it, as it were, snatched away from me. I hadn't quite realised how important time at home alone was - before he left I was more missing him in advance, although there was still looking forward to time alone a bit.

Zig doesn't go out that much, and I'm often with him when he does, or out somewhere else myself instead. Time alone at home doesn't happen that often for me. I think I'm going to encourage him to be absent from the house for a couple of hours at night sometimes, visit his friends or family or something. Because clearly, if him coming home early has affected me in this way, it's something that matters more than I thought.

This entry was originally posted at http://silverai.dreamwidth.org/109348.html and is automatically cross-posted here.

Halloween 2011: Capes

silverai — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 10:12:44 GMT

Details for my Halloween party this year:

- When & Where. Saturday 29th October, 6pm on, at my house as per usual (Bassendean).
- Theme. 2011 is "Capes". Wear a cape and be fancy or plain with the rest.
- Dinner and beer provided (dinner aimed to be served at about 7pm)
- Friends allowed if you let me know for courtesy and catering purposes.
- Kids. No worries if they mix well in crowds, but our house is not set up as "kid-friendly" - please make sure they don't damage things/drink poison.

Anyone on my Dreamwidth or LiveJournal friends list is welcome, other people just leave a request comment but the answer is likely to be yes. - come and join in the fun :D Bring a friend for courage ;)

RSVP appreciated for judging food quantities, and so I have an idea of what's happening in general also.

This entry was originally posted at http://silverai.dreamwidth.org/109042.html and is automatically cross-posted here.

2001: a Revisitation

silverai — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 01:30:24 GMT

There was a Facebook meme going around semi-recently, where someone would give you a year and you'd write about what happened. Somebody sent me "2001", and I earmarked it for later, since I felt I would do it more justice outside of the restricted FB character limit. Finally got the motivation for a journal post...that particular motivation can be so slippery sometimes.

So, 2001: a Revisitation.

I was 19. I had been in a relationship with Zig since 1998, and so I was now currently living with Zig at his family's place - we were in a place called "The Studio", separated from the main house by an open-air passageway. We still shared the family dinners, and the bathroom in the house.
I was doing Year 12 at Cyril Jackson, having finally gone back to complete Yr 11 the previous year. It was good to be around all my friends who I'd met the previous year, and many of those friendships still persist to today. I was also on the student committee and the 4 or 5 of us on it organised a smashing medieval ball for everyone at the school, we did excellent work!

2001 took its rough turn about midway*.

Zig and I moved out together to where we are currently still living and renting, just a couple of minutes down the road from his family home. Spent the last of the estate money from Grandad on a washing machine so that we didn't have to keep handwashing (I'd dwindled the money down by living off it for the previous year or so)(oh, and still have that washing machine, yay!). Shortly after, the Yr 12 mid-year exams took place. I was in the middle of an English exam, staring at an essay, and I just got to thinking "why am I doing this?" over and over. So I collected my things, stood up, and walked out of that exam and out of Yr 12 entirely. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and was completely at loose ends.

Hm, and now I'm writing this, I think all this time I've been smooshing 2001 and 2002 together in my head. I went to write the second half of year 2001, and then remembered it couldn't possibly have happened in 2001 because I didn't get my license until half-way through 2002. So I guess 2001 wasn't so jam-packed as I was remembering. I guess I was just at loose ends for most of the rest of the year? I think I got onto Centrelink payments at some point too (and lost them the next year).

And that was 2001.

*Which wasn't as rough as I thought, since 2001 and 2002 are now separated in my brain again, heh.

Hurry up, there's no time to lose, you have to speed up and WAIT already.

silverai — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 03:44:23 GMT

31 days until I get to hand in my notice. As per my last post, yes, I'm still quitting. Why am I still waiting to give in my notice? Well, when I was looking up the award rates for the casual dude who was starting back in late January, I discovered some very interesting stuff. See, he wanted to know his award rates, rather than just the stated rate during the interview. This was a good thing for him, as it resulted in him getting more money (ie, the legal rate) as opposed to the minimum wage (which only counts if you're not covered by an award, which we are). This was also a good thing for me. I discovered two interesting things in fact. The first I won't go into, but the second was about long service leave. Apparently I'm entitled to 8 weeks long service leave after 10 yrs, but if I leave after 7 yrs then I'm entitled to a pro rata payout of that long service. Almost six weeks pay for free? Yeah, that's worth waiting until May to hand in my notice then work another four weeks after that.

Meantime, I'm left waiting. I'm waiting for the "quitting date" to arrive, I'm waiting for the wedding day to arrive, I'm waiting until my whole life shift gears rather suddenly in June with so many things changing at once. And so my whole life currently is in a holding pattern, just flying around and around in the same old circles, getting more and more frustrated while waiting for the time when I can finally land. Meantime, everything is batshitcrazy insane breakneck pace. All these things need organising, and all these things need re-examining and re-working out and all these things needs to be dealt with and argh argh argh. I've got so many worries and energy drains: Health, Money, Work, Life, Wedding, Honeymoon. And yet, even though I'm doing all this, somehow my life is still standing still, watching the "quitting clock" tick down day by day agonsingly slow, the "wedding clock" tick by incredibly fast, and the "my whole life suddenly changes and I can relax" clock drag even slower than the quitting clock.

How is my life changing? Well, I'm getting married. Now, on the surface, that doesn't really seem like a huge change. Paperwork gets signed, and we continue our relationship. Sure, but what about the big huge event that I've been planning for years suddenly being done and over? BOOM, suddenly it's over, suddenly there's nothing to focus my attention on, nothing constantly demanding my time and thoughts, nothing to plan for. Suddenly I'll feel FREE, but also empty and lost. Suddenly at about the same time, I won't be trundling off to work 5 1/2 days a week, I'll be left to command my own time, left with nothing to force me out of bed and keep slogging away at life, be free from the demands of customers, the irritations of the same old tropes repeating themselves in front of me year after year, free to eventually choose a new something, with new and different celebrations and challenges. Suddenly the world will be calling me by a different surname. Suddenly I'll have massive amounts of time on my hands. Suddenly I won't have money coming in regularly, whatever I manage to save up before then is all I'll have until I tackle the future again. Suddenly I'll have to pennypinch in even tighter ways. Suddenly my health will have the time and space it needs to hopefully improve.

All this happening at once, coming coming coming, but not yet here still, not yet here still, wait just a bit longer again again again, but it's almost here, almost here, so close and so far. So much to get done before then, running against time, against sheer ability to keep going without dropping, so that I can make it to the green pasture finally, eventually, sometime that's so close I can taste it in the air but not close my teeth on it. And fears, fears that I won't be able to handle the sudden shift, that I'll feel so empty that I'll collapse in on myself, fears that I'll self-destruct and not get back up again to look for new income, fears that my mind will rebel against going back to the grind of regular work and my plan of taking at least July to rest before looking will backfire and I'll just keep resting and resting, unable to face it. My mind currently can't handle the thought of something new, but I know I will be fine after a rest, after a break. But what if I'm wrong? What if money dribbles out of my fingers like it currently is doing, dribbling out on my health, on this pill, on that powder, on the chiropracter, but fast, so fast. What if I'm not able to find new work, what if noone wants me, or nothing better is out there, what if I'm stuck, without money, without choices, with money becoming a irritant between me and Zig and wearing away at our relationship like it did 10 years ago?

All these fears are obviously false, and yet the huge illusions are built from tiny kernels of truth and so they have just enough power to niggle away in the background, in the peripheral on my concious mind where I almost don't even notice them because I'm much too focused on all the other craziness that needs to be dealt with right now.

And life keeps happening. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Life, Health, Work, and Myself.

silverai — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 05:21:49 GMT

A lot has happened since August. I've been stressed out, had upheavals in the life around me, had low points, made concious decisions to do things differently, and have made big breakthrough decisions about how I do things and live life.

Starting small, and recapping a little on the last post, my legs: Doc sent me to an allergist, who was also an immunologist. That guy applied the label fibromyalgia to me. Being aware of this has made big differences, knowing what's behind stuff helps me to forgive it happening, helps me change my reaction to them. I'm only on the lower end of the scale of what it can be like, it doesn't affect my life in a huge way but they reckon my legs are just a part of that, along with my occasional drops in energy. I've also noticed that sometimes I get hyper aware of things touching me, my clothes, the bedsheets, people touching my arm, etc. Knowing what is behind the hyper-awareness helps me not be irritated by it, helps me process it and to a certain extent ignore it. Back to my legs; for a while I was staying off excessive sugar and off alcohol on work nights as I found that they could sometimes trigger my legs. Since then I've discovered that drinking water at the same time as the alcohol reduces the trigger a lot, so I guess it was the dehydration doing it mostly. I also do 1-2 minutes of stretches before bed and take an Advil along with my Lyrica tablet at bedtime. My legs haven't stopped me sleeping for a while now, my gameplan that was slowly worked out over a few months has been effective.

So how have things with my health and life looked over the last year or so? In May or so I quit the big band. After that I had shoulder issues so I didn't go to the brass band either for a while. Then I had sleep and energy issues what with my restless legs and all during which I didn't do much of anything except work. So after that got better I decided I would drop the brass band also, although I'd still be available for the occasional performance. Sometime in Spring I stopped going to the regular steak nights with friends and only went occasionally. So very slowly all my commitments were cut down and removed. In September and October I ended up being insanely busy and stressed. I don't remember all the reasons why, but there were a number of things going on. In November I spent to first half simply wiped out, and the second half trying to get some wedding plans done while barely semi-recovered. Also in November my closest friend left to live in Canberra. December ended up full of stress for various reasons, including work being busy, having no replacement at work (I even ended up working because of it while I was way too sick to do anything much), social commitments, present shopping, and lack of my friend. Was feeling very wiped out towards the end, but was barely hanging on with the promise of the Xmas break as a light at the end of the tunnel. Well. Xmas break I was very wiped out. But I still dragged myself to a friend's birthday and various Xmas gatherings and necessary shopping and such. There were a few times when I didn't do anything, but I was so wiped that they were as effective as mosquito bites. So January 4th came around and work started again. I tanked. Completely and utterly tanked.

Suddenly it was all too much. I had dug into my energy reserves and hit the end. I hadn't even realised I was so close, although in hindsight it was pretty bloody obvious. But the stress and the lack of adequate downtime and lack of support and lack of any replacement at work still after such a long time and no sign of anything being done about it and the usual insane busyness that happens at work after the xmas break. Yup, I tanked. Big time. I was crying at work. I had anxiety all the time. I was dragging myself around with no energy, managing to somehow get through work each day then surviving the drive home before collapsing in a pile of tears and drainedness. I was miserable and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I was very close to a nervous breakdown, but narrowly avoided it. The end of that first week saw the beginning of clawing out of the quagmire, of inching away from the cliff edge. This happened with learning that there were finally plans in motion for a replacement. There was no good timeframe, but even knowing something was happening was good. The next week I find out that I could actually get my usual Thursday off after all. That was a blessed relief. I still had to go in and open up shop and close at the end, but in between I was free. That day off turned out even better, with my temporary replacement deciding they could also close shop. My temp replacement and I are friends, and he decided that although he had issues with doing my job, he was prepared to do them anyway so that I could have futher time off. So I took the following Monday off too. Oh joy, oh bliss! Having two days off in a row with no commitments, no pressures, no requirements. The peace I felt on that Sunday was amazing, it was nirvana. That week I was still crying a lot, still had anxiety, still had no energy. I was having trouble at bedtime because going to sleep meant that suddenly it would be time to have to drag myself to work again, and it was almost unbearable. But it was getting easier to cope, and things were very slowly improving. Zig flip flopped between being amazingly supportive and leaving me dangling alone as he is fairly self contained and semi-expects me to have the same skills. There was an amazingly supportive moment when he told me during a crying storm "Just quit. This is affecting you so much, just quit and we will deal with it". However things had improved enough that I kept hanging on.

It is February now, and things have changed. There have been ups and downs, but every day the cliff edge gets more distant. Things have changed for the better, and I have changed my approach to my life, and I am conciously paying attention to what I'm doing, how I'm thinking, what my reactions to things are and doing my best to change them. I have a replacement now, and was able to take a week off work recently which I filled with rest and relaxation, with restorative processes, and a few catchups with select friends. A couple of days after my holiday the anxiety finally stopped. I have a casual helper for two late afternoons a week as well as Saturdays, which helps a lot. And I have a plan to quit in May/June, which took the last month and a half to slowly form into a concrete plan. I don't have anything lined up after that, but that doesn't matter. Zig is being incredibly supportive of this plan, and the plan makes sense on many many levels. I am not sharing this with anyone at work (other than that one friend/colleague), I will most likely pass in my notice in April or May, and will allow enough time for someone to be adequately trained to take my place. I am fairly certain that I will have left before my wedding day in June.

There are a few months between now and then. I am using this time to adjust myself, embrace myself, put things into practice, create habits that allow me to perpetually support and love and nuture myself. I am using this time to notice how I interact with the world and improve upon it, to take personal responsibility for everything I have done for my life to be how it currently is, and to use that personal responsibility to finally change things for the better. I am adjusting my reactions, my expectations, my vibration. I am doing this so that whatever comes next in my life will be different and improved, so that I don't find myself in the same situation again, so that "same shit, different bucket" is not what I find my self doing. I am making these adjustments with the deep inner knowingness that every small thing I change brings me that much closer to an alternate future, to a happier and more fulfilling place.

I am connecting with myself. I am connecting with the faeries. I am opening to the universe and its myriad possibilities. I have a mix of feelings, but I've needed to do this for a while. I have tried before and not succeeded, but now there is no option except to succeed. I have hit so close to the lowest I can get, and I cannot accept the idea of being there again. Change must happen, and it is up to me to love myself and treasure myself enough to go through the painful and joyful process of reaching towards myself and my potential.

SPAMALOT IN PERTH

silverai — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 09:31:31 GMT

TOTALLY EXCITING NEWS for musical and Monty Python fans!

The musical Spamalot is being presented in PERTH! Whoot! Only $25. Only downside is that we have to wait until November, which feels like forever away.

I think a group should totally be gotten together for this!* Totally! It's sure to sell well, so this is best not left for too many weeks.

Here's the link:
http://playlovers.org.au/?p=199

*Whether that's done by me or someone else thinks they have a larger base of people likely to be wanting to go and me just jump in on that group, I am completely happy either way. But perhaps a show of interest in the comments would be a start?

Health, Budget, Zig's 30th, Rabbit, Daisies, Halloween!

silverai — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 06:35:12 GMT

So I eventually got to the doctor, maybe 5 weeks after onset of crapness. He knew all about restless legs, and prescribed me a drug called Lyrica, which makes my nerve endings not care about my legs complaining, thus meaning my sleep is not disrupted and I get get down to theta and delta instead of just REM and back up again over and over. I've been having fabulous sleep these last few weeks, and life is a bit more normal. I'm still trying to keep socialising down a bit, as part of me still feels overloaded. But, you know me, I end up socialising anyway! A little less socialising than "normal" though.

My credit card debt was high before I went to Europe years ago, and went even higher while over there for 5 weeks. Since then, I have paid it off to about the level it was before I went gallivanting, but for the last year or so the total has remained about the same. I'm kinda sick of the debt, so I've starting budgeting a heap more strictly than before. Strict budgeting was depressing me quite a lot before (as normal), but I've hit a good groove these last couple weeks. Buying lunch and dinner all the time, plus often a pie for breakfast, was a big part of the budget spenditure. Now, if Zig doesn't cook dinner and has already eaten, I go home and eat nachos for dinner instead of buying take-out, it works out to about $3-$4 for the meal. I've been eating healthier lunches, which is cheaper than buying it everyday. Food during work is a tin of salmon, small tub of yoghurt, baby mesculan salad (the packet lasts a week), an apple, and mandarins from my bro's tree. Plus 2-3 pots of herbal tea. Breakfast has been oatmeal made with rice milk (to reduce dairy intake) and some honey on top. Other budget cuts include not spending as much going out and about, and reconsidering my urge to go to shows (such as The Cat Empire playing soon which I would love to see) against my desire to get rid of this debt. I still feel frustrated to some extent, I feel like I should see greater rewards sooner if I'm restricting myself so much, however I KNOW that I'm getting somewhere and I just have to keep believing it too. Part of me despairs when recurring costs like chiropracter and health tablets are a constant drain, and other costs are coming up such as birthdays and my Halloween party and then Xmas! Plus I'm to see an allergist specialist at end of September that won't be cheap. That's no excuse not to keep trying though, still better to keep the spenditure down so that the costs don't make the card total go up higher than otherwise.

Zig's 30th birthday party in July was good to begin with, then was upsetting, then ended alright again. Basically, the first ever fight happened at one of our parties. The people who started it were not normal attendees, and are not welcome back again. I feel terrible for my friend who turned up 20 minutes before shit happened, and copped the worst of it. However the guy who punched him despite Zig standing in the middle playing mediator? that guy broke his hand. So my friend, Zig, and I feel a little bit better that he didn't get away with it. Wish it had happened at Halloween or even just a normal birthday party, not at Zig's 30th. Nevertheless, it happened and is now as resolved as it gets. Still heartsore over it when memory occurs - after getting to sleep that night I had terrible dreams before waking that shook me badly.

In lighter news, we've had a stray rabbit in the backyard off and on for weeks. It's a big white fat one, with one ear up and one ear flopped. I discovered he had a taste for lavender only after my three little plants in pots got eaten to within an inch of life. They are now planted in the garden (finally, after months!) with little triangular fence fortresses made out of the fridge shelves which Zig pulled out of the beer fridges to make room for fermenter kegs. We also discovered why the rabbit seemed to like the cat, and the cat seemed to dislike the rabbit. After noticing the rabbit always going towards the back of the cat, Zig experimented by holding the cat still. The rabbit went behind the cat...and then hopped _onto_ the cat. The cat was not amused and swiped at the rabbit. Hasn't stopped the rabbit still going for him, or the cat teasing the rabbit by sitting on a chair out of reach with a paw ready to claw. Two Mondays ago, so Zig told me, he saw a lady in the front yard peering into the back at the rabbit. He asked if she wanted it back and she said yes and expressed concern that Zig wouldn't be able to catch it. He caught it the next day simply by picking it up (animals always seem to be at ease with Zig). So he took it down the road to where it lived and gave the box with the rabbit in it to the girl there. He told me so that night when I was home, and mused that perhaps we should then take down the lavender fortresses. I told him better to leave them just in case. Just as well, since the rabbit was back again in the morning! Zig said that he wasn't going to bother catching it again, since they couldn't be bothered making things good to keep rabbits in. They haven't come back and asked for the rabbit again yet either. Rabbit doesn't hang around quite as much as before though, which I'm sure the cat is happy about!

There's yellow dandelion daisies blooming on the roadside. I don't care what the weather does, those yellow dandelion daisies always mean Spring is here to me. When I see them, I get nostalgic for Bindoon. I grew up on a hobby farm in Bindoon, and the long driveway had masses of yellow down the sides in Spring, it was so glorious! Seeing the daisies makes me think that perhaps it's time to take a roadtrip to Bindoon someday soon.

Now, if you've read this far, then you will get advance notice of my Halloween party this year! This year's theme is Masquerade, so time to get masks organised and brush up on your mysterious air. It will be a week earlier than when other Halloween parties may be - it is on Saturday 23rd October. The usual deal applies: at Zig and I's house, dinner and beer provided, a few of your friends are welcome with you if you let me know for catering and courtesy purposes.

Whine and wish

silverai — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 02:45:58 GMT

So, my legs have been aching for coming up to three weeks now. For the last two weeks, I've been feeling:
depressed, agitated, easily irritated, too quick to swear, tired, stressed, strained, stretched, sad, headachey, put upon, "all too much", brain not 100%, people are stupid, weary, morose, angry at circumstances, sick of always breaking, incompetent, responsible, chained, short of personal time, drained, small, diminished, dragging myself to keep going.

I'd LIKE to be feeling again:
happy, content, relaxed, relieved, understanding and forgiving, brain 100%, joyful, appreciative, thankful, healthy, whole, plenty of time, contemplative, at ease, peaceful, capable, at one, full of energy, flexible

Boxes, Soup, Health, Offbeat Bride

silverai — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 08:49:11 GMT

I have an irrational love of boxes. I don't really use them, even the cool ones that I wish I did use somehow, but something inside me goes "SQUEEEEEE!" about boxes, especially the small cute ones. I have a little useless pile of them at home that I can't bring myself to get rid of, although I try not to add to it.

The last few soups I made in the slow cooker have all had this odd taste to them that detracted from the flavour horribly. The second last soup I made, I didn't put in any of the previous things that I thought might have caused it, but it was still there. Thus, I worked out that it was the half a bulb of fresh garlic I put in for the last several - the slow cooker made the flavour come out way too strong and changed it from a straight garlic flavour to this sort of manky taste. So, I made soup again last night, and put in a single teaspoon of the crushed type from the bottle, and it was perfect! This is a relief, as Zig had pretty much said he wasn't going to eat any more soups I made. I just have to convince him to have some of yesterday's leftover soup for dinner tonight, since he went out last night and escaped trying any then!

Still tired, but behind my eyes where it doesn't show on the outside to the world so much. I'm mostly functional otherwise and can almost forget I'm tired occasionally. Still affecting me though, I wigged out and cried a lot on Sunday, and get a random flash of "must cry!" a few times through the day - just a flash of feeling, no actual tears. And my legs are still bugging me which is annoying. There's this thing on tonight that I'd love to have gone to, but I'm staying home and will get an early night instead, since I might be staying up a normal amount tomorrow night and I had a normal bedtime last night and an hour short this morning due to Zig chronically sleeping through his alarm and me not quite awake enough to be able to turn over and wake him up after I realised he wasn't getting up - I usually give him at least 20 minutes before bugging, since I doze 20 minutes past my alarm too (on purpose).

When I was so "over it" about the wedding due to all the brain arghs about guest list and therefore venue etc, I stopped reading the offbeat bride website. Started reading it again about a month ago, I was about 17 pages behind! Read it slowly-ish, just caught up today. When I feel more up to it, I'll dive back into the ning forums for offbeat bride again, but I think that's going to be a big effort since I've got 684 unprocessed email notifications about new threads and comments on the groups I've joined, etc. So, I'll put that off a little longer until I have a lot of time and feel like I'm capable of the huge mental effort. Good to catchup on the straight blog website though, hoorah :)

Wedding, Health, Time/Stress, Yays

silverai — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 03:40:55 GMT

Wedding guest list issues have been greatly resolved, thanks to a late night chat with a good friend who helped me see things politically instead of mentally and emotionally. Looked at my guest list again a week or so after that, and have things mostly sorted out. Naturally things can still change with a year still to go, but I'm confident that it can be worked out with little fuss. I can give a few more fridge magnet save the dates out than before, and everyone else can wait until actual invites a few months before the final date. Meanwhile, I was in Textile Traders on Thursday, and overheard one sales girl talking to the other about their wedding. So I went up and shared the offbeat bride website link with them. After I got my material, we got chatting and she gave me a business card for a person I can see about my dress, in Rockingham. They seem to tick all the boxes, from what I heard, so in a month or so when I get time I plan on following that up and getting started on narrowing down the idea of my dress into something more concrete. I also found a venue that I think I'll love, although I've only viewed their website and not seen the place in person yet. Unfortunately due to circumstances on the venue side of things, I have to wait a few months to find out what's happening with that. Not too stressed, plenty of time still and winter is a slow season usually. Just a bit impatient *heh*. But in a few weeks when I have time again, I'll go up at check the place out. Exciting :D

My shoulder is still twinging, although part of me is secretly glad because I have a legitimate reason not to go to band. I do enjoy band, but I've been enjoying being able to stay home and have one less thing that I "have" to do every week. My neck on the other side is also giving me grief for the last month or so though. That I can do without, it's just annoying and there's no silver lining that I've found yet. In other health news, I've had restless legs for the last two weeks, and I've been getting tireder and tireder for the last week, to the point where yesterday I left work early and napped most of the afternoon, followed by an early bedtime and a long night of more sleep. I feel a lot better today, but could quite cheerfully put my head on my arms and go to sleep again right at this moment. Zig had a gander at restless legs on wikipedia (found here) and the graph there suggests that my needing sleep a lot is connected to my legs. Could be; I've had restless legs since I was a kid and they usually only last 1-3 days, so this is new territory for me with them lasting so long.

Zig's 30th birthday is two Mondays from now, having a party next Saturday. I've been stressing over a present for him for soooo many months. Everyone I know who knows him finds him hard to buy for, and I'm no exception to the rule. Finally worked it out only a couple of days ago - phew! That's a big stress relief right there. Of course, still have to organise everything for it before the party, in between everything else I'm trying to fit in...along with all the extra sleep I seem to be needing cutting out active hours in each day. Looking forward to a couple of weeks from now, when I might get a chance for a bit of a break! Gotta pick up part of the present after work this afternoon, then go food shopping, then see if I can get a nap in before a party tonight, which I might have to leave early-ish to get enough sleep tonight before attending a daytime party tomorrow, before cleaning up that afternoon (and getting another early night to be able to function as human) because I'm hosting a gathering on Monday night after work! Oh, and I also have to find time to do more towards the present for Zig, because that all needs to be finished before next Saturday and there's a bunch to do. Blargh. Pushing quite a bit these few days, and wasn't expecting to be run down with "lack of sleep" effects before it happened. Then the coming week I expect to recuperate (as much as is possible with just a few hours between work and sleep and present doing and stuff) so that I can get everything organised for Zig's party after work on Saturday. Next Sunday is definitely scheduled as a do nothing day. I do my best to schedule time off into my calendar so that I don't wipe out!

It appears I have not yet enthused on LJ about going to see Swan Lake on Ice in August. SQUEE! Booked that a while back, I've never seen any fancy stuff on ice in person before, I'm very excited! I'm sure that I'll be absolutely dazzled. Also hoping to go to the Sleeping Beauty ballet in September on the 10th or 11th, but have yet to book anything as I am waiting to see if one of my friends is going to be available then.

Holidays, Money, Wedding, Car stuff.

silverai — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 05:09:36 GMT

Right, well it's been a while. I think many of you identify with the feeling of having things to say but never getting around to typing them up, I know I certainly do!

So, I went to Melbourne as per my last post. That was awesome and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I made myself a list of everything I particularly wanted to do (of which there was a lot), then noted it in a table of the days I was there and when the place was open, along with the address and phone number on the side. I noted which particular things I'd be doing which particular days, and then used the table to keep track of it all and work out what I could do and how it fit in as I went along, crossing things off as they got done. I got quite a lot of things done that way, and had many fabulous experiences. I wore sneakers for most of my trip, and walked a lot! My legs ached quite a bit and stopped me sleeping properly to begin with, but my Dad was awesome and reminded me that tonic water was good for that sort of thing (something to do with the quinine in it) and that helped me a lot. I discovered a magnificent cocktail bar called Polly when I was there, I loved it so much that I ended up there three nights out of the week I had available. You felt decadent just walking in, here's what it looks like: http://pollybar.com.au/

I've completely cut ties with the big band I was in, there's a lot to THAT story but I won't go into it, and I'm feeling a lot more free and less stressed because of it. Meanwhile, I hurt my shoulder somehow coming up to maybe two months ago, which has meant I haven't been going to my other band either since moving the slide in and out would exacerbate the issue. I shudder to think of what my lips are going to feel like when I do pick that trombone back up! This shoulder is annoying, it both stops me from doing stuff, and is costing me money at the physio every week. Along with my chiro and massage every week lately instead of fortnightly, due to my spine not playing nice, a significant amount of money is being sucked out of my budget lately, causing things to be quite a lot tighter than normal. Plus I finally found a magnesium supplement that suits me, but it's $40 every two or so weeks, yet more money. I do not feel good about myself when I'm forced into a position of watching my finances closely and seeing them dwindle so quickly, but that's life and there's not a shit load that one can do about it.

So, it's now less than a year until Zig and I have our wedding, which is pretty awesome. We used vistaprint.com.au to create fridge magnet save the dates. They say "Who can remember a date when it's so long away? It's closer than you think! 11th June 2011 Z & H". Cos they are fridge magnets, people can easily just stick them on the fridge, so they won't get lost and people can glance at it whenever they forget since it's been so long *heh*. The guest list issues are still kicking my butt, so I'm only giving the magnets to family and very close friends. Things are very likely to change in a year anyway, so the final guest list can wait until actual invitation time comes around, maybe 2-3 months before the date. But the magnets are way cool.

Zig and I went to Margaret River FarmStay in May. It was my christmas present last xmas, he knows I like the holiday getaways with him :) It's become a tradition that when we go away I create a gourmet platter style dinner, which we then snack on for several days. You can see the yummy food if you click this sentence. At the far end, there's also choc honeycomb, choc truffles, and that big bowl is fruit salad (Zig LOVES fruit salad, so I made it especially for him). We went and somehow crammed a huge amount of activities into three days (two nights) while we were down there. One of my favourites was the shearing demonstration at the Yallingup Shearing Shed, it held a lot of nostalgia for me and you also got to feed the sheep, and bottle feed lambs too! I skippered Zig for two breweries on the way to the farmstay, and two the next day, and then he skippered me for the Happs winery on the way back. I thoroughly recommend the Happs Pale Gold, which is a tasty white port for $20 a bottle.

I had a meeting with the boss before I went to Melbourne, hadn't had one for a long time and it was due. Since I never get lunch breaks in Myaree (it was supposed to be temporary and somehow never changed, for 1 1/2 years) we've arranged that I get a day off a fortnight instead. As I mentioned to him, I've sort of gotten used to no lunch break, but I've never figured out the issue of not having any days off. Y'know, since I work 5 1/2 days a week, there isn't much time to get things done while places are open. I've now had three or four days off in total since I got back from Melbourne, and it's been luxury. Still feeling the squeeze of not enough downtime to a certain extent, but nowhere near what it used to be before I trimmed a lot out and got these days off.

I've been feeling like I want hugs a lot lately this last week. The trouble with this is that I don't feel comfortable hugging people really (except Zig). What a sad state of affairs *heh*. I got reminded today that "...Exercising gratitude for what you have instead of focusing on the negative side of your circumstances can greatly influence...." which was a "oh, yeah, duh" moment for me and has helped a lot already. So, we'll see how it goes. I reckon I've probably just been feeling down and woeful mainly because of tight budgeting, but remembering that damn I'm pretty lucky cos there lots of cool awesome things about my life really helps negate that feeling. So, yeah. Something.

On Saturday morning, I dropped something to a friend on my way to work, and was running very short of time. So I backed out of their driveway pretty quickly, glancing left and right as one should. Unfortunately, I didn't look behind me, and some very annoying person had parked on the opposite curb directly across from the driveway. So, I was completely at fault, but it was very irritating. I got out and looked at the damage, and it was kinda nasty, so I grabbed a pen and paper and quickly wrote a note and stuck it under their windscreen wiper before dashing off to work. "I hurt your car, I'm sorry! Running late for work, can't stop" and my name, suburb, and mobile number. They finally called me on Wednesday - said they'd been in the field, so only noticed my note when they drove that car again that morning. Luckily, many years ago Zig insisted I get third party insurance. Not the compulsory third party, that covers different things, but the actual third party that you purchase that covers other people's cars. So it only cost me $300 as the insurance excess. I woulda driven off if it was a light scratch, but I couldn't do that with that much damage.

A police officer knocked on my car window while I was stopped at traffic lights on Wednesday morning. It's a funny story, you should ask me about it next time you see me :)

Jigsaw, shopping, dancing, music, Melbourne, band.

silverai — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 05:03:15 GMT

I was given a beautiful jigsaw puzzle recently, and been itching to get to it ever since. I've had a half-finished jigsaw puzzle rolled up in one of those special mats for over a year now, for lack of any space. Receiving this gorgeous puzzle has inspired me as to how to find a space, so I unrolled the half-finished one last night and got stuck into it. I find jigsaw puzzles very relaxing, and the sense of accomplishment as each section gets completed is very rewarding. Looking forward to finishing this one so that I can get stuck into my wonderful new one. Hoorah for having found a spot to do it!

I went to Habourtown on the Sunday before last, with the intention of picking up some new jeans. They quite often have them on special for $20, and I only had one pair of pants that fit. Ending up walking out with two pairs of jeans for $100 instead, one black so I can wear them at work if I want, and one light blue so I can feel casual when I'm not at work. So now I own three pairs of pants that fit! Ducked into the shoe shop too to check out what they had, which is usually a safe bet for me since everything is either overpriced or not a style I can do - so sick of stilettos being in fashion for years and years, can we have a new fashion that I can actually wear without hurting myself? But alas (or maybe awesomely) I found some wonderful shoes. There was a totally gorgeous pair of flats (I don't usually like flats, but at least I can walk in them) that were marked down from $80 to $10. And there was a pair of shoes that fit almost every single requirement of being the perfect shoe I've been hunting for for years, marked down from $120 to $30! TOTALLY BOUGHT THEM. They are fabulous, high heeled with small platform at the front so the heel is effectively not as tall for my ankle, with a lovely rounded toe and a strap that goes across the top. The strap is a little wide for my taste, but I DON'T CARE COS THEY'RE AWESOME. And comfy! I've worn them four days out of the last eight. On Saturday I wore them from 8am until 3:30am, and they didn't start hurting until 1am after heaps of dancing. No blisters or anything. I'm just so estactic to find something so perfect, my experience with shoes is usually less than awesome :D :D :D

Oh yeah, and I went dancing in Northbridge with a friend on Saturday night, decided on a whim after finishing dinner. I must find more time in my calendar to organise that with friends more often than once or twice a year, I really do love dancing so much. I always think I don't have enough endurance enough for it - a short walk can get me complaining sometimes. But stick me on a dancefloor and I can go for ages! Oh, time, where did you go while I was enjoying myself to awesome beats and rhythms?

On Sunday a friend and I went to see James Flynn, who is a wonderful jazz singer (http://www.jamesflynn.com.au/). We saw him at The Ellington last year and I thought he was fabulous, so when I randomly came across this gig I made sure to fit it in. Fabulous once again! If you happen to comes across his name when you're looking for stuff to do, definitely go see him.

Only 35 days until I step foot in Melbourne. Lots planned. Going to the Ice Bar (a bar made of ice, with ice furniture and ice glasses), Melbourne Zoo, a few chocolate cafes, some tearooms a friend says are divine, a restaurant heartily recommended to me, Queen Victoria markets, Luna Park, the museum, china town, a street that's apparently filled completely with italian restaurants, and maybe Gertrude St. And catch up with a dear friend. And maybe a bit of shopping. Plus anything else that happens. I might be a little tired when I get back, but I'm determined to fully enjoy myself (to the extent my budget allows) while I'm over there, and how! If anyone has any recommendations of things I should totally check out while I'm over there, let me know. I'm keen, and probably not heading back that way for a very long time into the future.

Fairly booked with stuff up to May, except for a few gaps which I can fit stuff into still, and a few gaps which Will Not Be Filled Because I Need A Break Dammit. The exception to this is Easter. Now, I have no doubt that something's going to come along and get itself booked into this time (like a LAN game that usually happens at Easter), but so far I am not actively trying to find anything to fill it, and it is completely free. Yes, that's right, I actually have a segment of time which is not booked. This is more a statement of a proud achievement than an invitation. Although any awesome ideas for things to do will be considered, I am sort of looking forward to a segment of time when I'm not beholden to social commitments and a clock on the wall. So will see how it goes.

Have come to an arrangement with my big band. After expressing that I would not be attending any rehearsal or anything immediately following our gig on March 27th at the Quarry (location: http://www.quarryamphitheatre.com.au/Whats%20On.html tickets: http://www.bocsticketing.com.au/events/wayne_standley_rush_hour.shtml ), the manager commented that it was hard to find trombonists that weren't already attached to a band. So I thought about it and offered that I would be willing to attend each performance and the one rehearsal immediately before it, but no more than that. They decided to accept my offer. I was worried about the detrimental effect this might have on the band, since I'd just be waltzing in and playing when everyone else has been putting in the hard yakka, but since I made an offer and it was accepted, it becomes the manager's decision to weigh that up. If they do happen to find another trombonist who is happy to commit and step into the role, I have no trouble stepping aside at that point.

And I just received some interesting news, but I'm not going to share. Mentioning it here so I can see it when I glance back over my journal in future.

sleep, commitments, time juggling

silverai — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 03:26:53 GMT

I've been shorting myself of sleep a bit lately. I could rectify this by going to bed at the proper time, but I spend so much time doing stuff, that when I get home I just wanna unwind for a bit before going to bed. Which perpetuates the problem of not having enough sleep, coping less well than I should therefore, so taking more time to myself before going to bed, etc. I feel ripped off going to bed early, but right now I'm going to bed too late over and over.

Can you tell I really really would like a nap right now? I'm a little overtired. Thought I'd write a rambly LJ post instead, and complain about how tonight will be an even later night due to band. I've decided I will be quitting that band in April. I told the head guy that I would be quitting after the performance we are committed to in end of March, and then after that I'd be focusing on being responsible to my own well-being instead of committing fully to the band.

I'm going to Melbourne in April! Flights have been booked and everything. Get to see an interesting city and catch up with a dear friend of mine. Part of me is all like "yes, I'll get a break then!" but a wiser part of me knows that I'll end up doing lots of awesome things and be wiped out when I come back still. I need to severely cut back on my social commitments for a while - which is a bloody sight harder that it sounds. Where does the week go? I blink and all my weekly commitments are happening again, and then awesome once-off things are happening on the days off which I don't wanna miss, and boom, I've overloaded myself again. Dropping this band will help a lot with that, once less "have to" commitment recurring every single damn week.

I love what I do, but I wish it was easier to be a mini-hermit crab at will occasionally. All these wants and expectations and once-off oppurtunities and everything. I love what I do, but sometimes I wonder why the hell I do it. It's stressful, it's straining, but it's fun and awesome and wonderful.

Ok, rant over now. I gotta resume putting stock away.

Valentines, Band, Wedding

silverai — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 09:34:35 GMT

I wanna update, but I don't feel like typing much - gotta conserve my meagre brain alertness at this end of the day for playing trombone tonight. So forgive my lack of eloquentness.

Valentine's: I wrote Zig a love letter and posted it on Thursday so he'd get it on Friday while I was at work, because it would be a nice surprise and everyone likes getting things through the mail. On Saturday I made him a special batch of fruit salad just for him. He likes fruit salad a lot. On Sunday I got my breakfast cooked for me while I was feeling very very seedy from the night before, and flowers too. I cooked dinner that night and we enjoyed it with a bottle of sparkling strawberry wine. Simple, heart-felt, pleasant.

My big band has moved their rehearsals to a new venue in Wangara. This sucks for multiple reasons, the first of which is that band finishes when I like to be in bed at the latest, then I've still got to drive home. Now I've got to drive home even longer - it was previously from Hammersley - and get to bed even later. The second of which is that I have a tradition of meeting some friends every Wednesday night for dinner at a particular pub, and now there's no time to get there and eat and still get to band on time, so I've had to bow out of the tradition. Driving from Myaree to Wangara is annoying enough without having to scrap a much enjoyed tradition. Apparently I'm considered an important part of the tradition though, so it may be moved to another night just for me (feels loved and ego overwhelmed at the same time). Wednesday night is already quite a drag, it goes for three hours, but my attention and alertness and therefore my ability start waning at just before the two hour mark. So it takes a lot of effort to be focused for that whole time. Plus sides, the music is good, I like being part of music group that has direction and purpose, and we provide good music to the public about every month or so. The new venue will have a lot of pluses once it's set up fully too, but it's always going to be a FOREVER drive away. I am committed to the big band on one level, but feel obligated (which is a drag) on another level. But I know I felt that way about my brass band too before I took a year off and came back to it, so I'm wondering if it's just a mental switch I need to find and flip, or if I'm simply doing to many social things and should cut back? Hard to tell. Meanwhile, I'll let the status quo carry me forward.

Had a chat to my mum on the phone today about the wedding guest list while putting stock away at work. It helped clarify a few things regarding the relatives. Still not sure what to do about it all, but slightly less "argh" than before now.

I've been wanting to sit down and babble about all my wedding ideas with someone for a while now, and the one person I think would be best/appropriate/willing to do that to has finally come back from holidays. So maybe I will get a chance to catch up with her sometime over the next few weeks? I'm so round and round in circles about some of my ideas.

Enough typing. A little late closing because service guy is finishing up a job for someone waiting. Hopefully be done really soon so I can close and stop my customer service brain for the day.

silverai — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 09:35:16 GMT

Why Valentine's Day is important, to all of us. This is not just a day for couples, even if that is the mainstream interpretation:

http://yuki-onna.livejournal.com/566312.html

silverai — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 10:00:02 GMT

Today's LJ brought to you by: just in case a potential new employer googles my email address and find this. Which is very in vogue these days.

I have been at my current workplace for almost six entire years now. Good years, for the most part. However the small payrise that I got in early January, combined with a friend emailing me earlier this week about a potential job I may be interested in, led me to think about what I'm doing with my work life a little more. I realised that I've sort of hit the glass ceiling of what I can do here. I'm happy here, I love my job. I usually love the customer interactions (everyone gets sucky customers sometimes *heh*), I know what's expected of me, the people in the company are great, and I do what's required rather well. But it is the most I can do here - I can't realisticly expect to advance further, learn much more (except about new technology), or increase my salary much more. Contentedness counts for a lot, but part of me never gave up on the rat race I suppose. If an opportunity falls in my lap, I'm going to grab it! So I did - I pulled a massive effort and completed almost everything I could at work this morning so that I could in good conscience focus on updating my drastically out of date resume and create a cover letter to go with it, so that I could email it by tonight. Many customers later and lack of any last-minute proof-readers available, as well as a stock transfer from the other store in the middle of it all, I still got it all done to my satisfaction and emailed it off! So now we wait. If it falls through, then so be it. I am still content where I am for the most part. But if I have done well, then I am one step closer to seizing the prize. No more shall be said.

Whinge: Drained and sooky edition

silverai — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 02:48:40 GMT

Feeling very drained and sooky lately, especially in the mornings before getting to work. Still able to function properly at work and get shit done and interact with customers properly, etc. But then drained and sooky again when I get home at night after work or whatever I was doing that night.

Got draining things that I'm supposed to be doing, but so drained already that I just don't want to drain further.
1) I gotta type minutes up from a meeting from three weeks ago, but they're so full of political drama BS that I simply have no motivation for submerging myself into that.
2) I gotta send a polite questioning email to a possible wedding venue regarding a pricing bait and switch, which requires very careful wording, cos things go a lot smoother if you stay friendly with people who are yet to provide the service to you.
3) I gotta reinstall Windows on my puter sometime, since I installed a nasty rootkit virus on there a while back, and I got rid of it a week back but I still don't trust my machine fully anymore without wiping the Windows slate clean. Reinstalling Windows always sucks. Mega.
I got a bunch of other fiddly stuff to do too.

I think maybe I've just been doing too much over the last few weeks. Also having too many late bedtimes with too much broken sleep - I was functioning fine before, but now that all the big events are over, my body has gone "right, NOW YOU REST M-KAY" or something. So it's throwing a hissy fit and only behaving when it knows it has to. Except it's being stupid and not giving me the rest it's demanding. I actually got an early bedtime last Saturday, with solid sleep until a decent time in the morning, and I still ended up having two naps on Sunday just to function! I guess one long solid sleep isn't enough to make up for everything. But I'm so tired as well as drained and sooky for the last several mornings, and then I'm still drained and sooky at night but not tired anymore, and so even if I go to bed I find it hard to get to sleep and my brain won't shut up. Which is unusual for me, I don't usually have a brain that won't shut up at night. Worst is when you wake up in the middle of the night with a brain that won't shut up. And then the alarm in the morning insistently reminding me that I gotta get up and get ready for work, but that's when I'm tired and would totally be able to sleep more! It's like jet lag, except I haven't enjoyed any holiday in another timezone.

I can't blame the heat for my drained-ness or lack of sleep-ness. For some reason the heat hasn't bothered me at all, like water off a duck's back. For at least the last month, it might as well been a solid 20 degrees every day for all that my body has noticed. Previously I have felt the heat a bit more than that. But whatever. It's the cold that really gets to me, I can't stand it. It's curious, being with Zig, cos his thermostat is the complete opposite to mine, he suffers in the heat but doesn't notice the cold.

Blargh. *mope*

Wedding confusing frustration venting

silverai — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 03:13:06 GMT

Well! I sort of wanted to wait until the 500 day mark before gushing about just wedding stuff and nothing else, but a forum this morning set me off thinking about a post, and so here we here at the 506 day mark instead. How cool is that, 506? I've been counting using my Google countdown since before 1000 days, and now it's half that :D

Today's semi-angst is brought to you by: the guest list. We were thinking the guest list would be between 50-70 people (including ourselves and bridal party), depending on where we draw the people-invited/people-not-invited line. I haven't really been thinking about it too hard, although I did make a list of guests in December, with the "definite family", "definite friends", "want to friends", "should friends", "maybe friends", "maybe family", etc etc etc groups, so that I could get an idea of if the 50-70 mark was accurate. Friendships and closeness can change quite a lot over even a single year, plus meeting new people or getting to know old aquaintances better can easily happen, so why stress before I have to? HOWEVER, I have been...hm, not stressed...more like frustrated, yes, I have been frustrated lately with the whole guest thing - which I think is standard going for most weddings - due to the new possible venue changing the possibilties, and having a fresh conversation with Mum a couple of days ago, and then reading a thread on a forum where someone else was worried about it. The difficulty lies in where to draw the line? Zig and I are going for a big party style reception so far with self-catering, so no sit-down menu or $XX per head kinda of thing going on. And the new possible venue means I can expand up to 100 people if I so choose, as it's just a flat fee no matter how many people up to 100 are there. Our buffet catering style means it wouldn't be THAT much extra $$ to feed another 10-30 people. So it's all spinning in my head.

Why now? I'm starting to feel a little bit of urgency (just a tad, not much) about it, because I was thinking of maybe sending Save The Dates out at the one-year-to-go mark. Like in a magnet form or something that people can stick on their fridge. Over the years people keep asking when it is, and then expressing surprise that it's still so long. And the year mark is an exciting marker, and it would just be cool dammit! *heh* Remember, we set the wedding date for 2011, on the day we got engaged in 2007. Four years was our plan from the beginning, and we've always been able to name the date when people ask.

The gist of the spinning: If we just have ourselves, bridal party, immediate family, and the closest circle of friends, that's 50 people. Then if we add the core of the people who have come to my parties over the years and who I have been/are close to, that makes 70 people. (That was good enough before, no need to think too much further). But then Zig's cousins who we see at Xmas time were saying that with that much notice, they could fly back to Perth for it. And Mum wants me to invite my aunties and uncles, even though I never interacted with them much and haven't seen any of them for years and years and years. (Zig's one uncle and aunty aren't a problem, we see them a few times a year). And what about the people I invite to my parties but who I'm not very close to, or the people I used to be close to and come to my Halloween party every year, but never seem to reach out to me and I don't have much interaction with otherwise? And it's all so confusing, so then I think maybe it's better to stick to 50-70 people cos it's easier, except I know that these people would like to come, and if it's possible for me to do then why not?

Cousins: We do see them every year or two, and we get on well. But they are not the type of people we would normally interact with, and we only interact with them every Xmas or two, and it is quite a way for them to fly to something that won't the big standard typical stereotypical white wedding, and it may not be $XX per head, but every head does add?

Aunties and Uncles: Mum is right into family tree and stuff, so family is important to her heart. We've discussed the topic before, but Mum always seems to forget that I'm not planning on inviting the aunties and uncles, as to her it seems a given that wedding invitations include people like that. So everytime it comes up (only a few times so far) there's a sort of shock factor she gets, like a "oh, really? you're not? really?" sort of thing. Mum's point of view as far as I understand it is that my wedding happens only once and is a big event, and it would be so good to see them all again because they don't see them often, and if they don't get to come to my wedding then when will she/the family get to see them all again, etc. So far it's just been a discussion each time - no arguements or anything! But Zig doesn't see why we should invite people who aren't part of our life, and I tend to agree. But now that my possible new venue would easily allow more people, should I not just invite them, since I can see Mum's point of view and would mean stuff to her, even though I just don't feel the same way about it?

Friends (outside of the close-knit core of definites): Two main categories: People I invite to my parties but who I'm not very close to, or the people I used to be close to and come to my Halloween party every year, but never seem to reach out to me and I don't have much interaction with otherwise. If I do invite a few people in one of those categories, shouldn't I invited everyone who is in the same group with them cos they hang out together and they're all sort of in the same category? Or even invite everyone from the same category full stop? Just those two categories are so nebulous that it gets very confusing where the lines between them all are, it's very blurry. But then there's the people I don't invite to my parties because not all my friends get along with my other friends, and even though I'm sure they could all get along as adults for the sake of my wedding, there would still be that undercurrent of tension that would distract me on the day. And there's people I'm not close to, but would like to be, I just never seem to get the time to reach out the hand often enough to strengthen the friendship better. And because the lines are so blurry, the extra people in this category could be anywhere from 10, 30, or even maybe 50 people, which, when added in with the other confusing groups, most definitely pips the list over the 100 people that would be the limit as per our new possible venue. Added to which, again, Zig doesn't see why we should invite people who aren't part of our life, and I tend to agree, but it's a lot easier for him, he's mostly either close/good friends with friends/family, or they aren't - not by malicious design, but by natural effect of his personality type. No nebulous clouds of complicated relationships with friends for him! And how much interaction is required to draw the line between part-of-life and not? For some friends, I feel closer to them even though I only see them with year+ gaps in between than I do to people I see several times a year. This is the category I have the most trouble with - and also the one where I can see there's no point stressing too much yet because things can change so much, but I want to knoooooow and figure it ooooout better already.

I got time to think still, so I'm not really worried yet, it's just sorta confusing and frustrating, and so nebulous (that must be today's word) that it's hard to pin anything down, and I do like to have more cohesion and understanding and - dare I say it - a degree of control over things than that.

TL;DR
I write a whole big post about angst that wedding guest lists give, even though it's only mild for now, it just happens to be what I'm thinking about these last few days. And it all doesn't matter yet until May/June - and even then may not matter until up to six months before the wedding in June 2011.

silverai — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 10:05:13 GMT

There was a customer in the shop this afternoon, wearing a white shirt with lots of different style christian crosses on it, and lots of little holes all over that is obviously part of the design.

It was a very holy shirt.

True story.

Good Things

silverai — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 05:00:27 GMT

Close friends are flying out this weekend to travel around in the northern hemisphere for a month. Amusingly, they get back at the same time as two other friends are flying back in from Canada for a visit. After one of the two friends inquired about a netbook that I was selling at work, I offered my netbook for a loan. It left my care into their's on Thursday night, and I already have a netbook-shaped ache in my heart, even though I don't actually use it all that much. I find that amusing also.

Going to see James Morrison tonight with three friends. Initially it was going to be two friends, but then one thought they wouldn't be able to make it and I organised someone else for their ticket. Then they could make it after all, so I called up Mundaring Weir Hotel and organised another ticket. So now it's me and three guys squeezing into my little two door Ford Festiva Trio. Hilarity! Looking forward to it, James Morrison always presents a really good show. Apparently it's a motown theme, which is good, because that's one of the styles that my big band apparently plays, except I have no idea what that genre actually is other than the fact it fits well with all the other styles we play. So now I get to find out better.

Going away with Zig for two nights next weekend for my birthday, at a lovely lovely place in Dwellingup. My birthday is on the Sunday (24th) and I've arranged the Monday off work, so we are staying Sat and Sun nights, coming back up on Monday afternoon, sleeping in our own bed Mon night, and heading out to the traditional annual Australia Day festivities at our friends' house on Tuesday. So quite looking forward to next weekend too, which will be like a four day long weekend for me. No big party for my birthday this year, I already celebrated last weekend with dinner, strippers, and high tea.

The Aust Day tradition at my friends' started back when they lived walking distance from the foreshore in Vic Park. Then they moved to Glen Forrest in the hills, but since we had all mostly tired of the fireworks by then over the years, everyone still just kept rocking up at their place every year :D The Aust Day festivities also always has the home-made spit there - the spit that lives in our backyard was in fact first created for Aust Day in Vic Park years ago, and goes back and forth from our house and theirs' upon need - and goes from lunch until late into the night. Good food, good company, excellent.

I would like to plug www.offbeatbride.com as an awesome website, as the last time I did so was a while ago now. I'm also joined up with the Offbeat Bride Tribe community on the Ning networking site. For me, it's so interesting what different people do in whacky ways or traditional with just a few changes, so that I'll quite likely keep looking at it even after I finally get married. I am especially grateful to the website, as it recently reminded me of the fact that bridesmaids do not have to wear dresses (a bride's attendants were wearing pencil skirts and nice blouses), which I had not thought of at all for 2 1/2 yrs even though it's so obvious, and which has solved the bridal party attire dilemma that I've been having. Also while I'm on the wedding topic, I am super excited to get to check out a possible ceremony/reception venue in the next few weeks which has such glorious possibilities and is such a good price. I don't want to jinx it by saying anymore before I check it out though. Excitement!

Weekend synopsis

silverai — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:42:03 GMT

I had a fabulous weekend. Yummy dinner with friends at The Moon cafe on Saturday, followed by Xotica. There was like a weird time blackhole effect at Xotica or something, I got a genuine shock when I looked at the time and realised three and a half hours had passed, since it felt like an hour maximum! I liked all the girls, even the ones I thought I didn't like initially. I found that the good looking girls had average moves but you didn't care cos of the looks, and the average looking girls had excellent moves, which made you forget everything else. I ended up spending $30 in tipping dollars by the end of the night. I think I might like to go again sometime.

High tea at the C restaraunt on Sunday was lovely. They had a number of tasty little goodies, and we were all too stuffed by the end to finish everything. A little like dim sum, everything is so small in size that you feel like you haven't eaten anything, but you've actually eaten an amazing amount and your stomach is protesting your taste buds. The profiteroles there were divine - I never realised they could taste like that before. Plus I've got a craving for fresh smoked salmon now - they had little two-tier finger sandwiches with salmon in them that I couldn't resist and ate more than my share of. The view was gorgeous too. After high tea, I moseyed down to the ferris wheel on the foreshore and had a ride with yet more glorious views of the river and Perth. Then after I got home, I went out again to dinner with Zig. All in all a marvellous time.

It doesn't stop there though, I just got a payrise today too! Everything is just better and better :D

Currently looking forward to catching up with SBC highschool friends tomorrow night, two nights stay down near Dwellingup in a few weeks, and Australia Day which is traditionally at a friend's house every year with good company and good food. More plans in the months ahead for other fabulous times too.

Fiddle dee dee, the weekend for me!

silverai — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 05:06:14 GMT

Looking forward to the weekend after work today. Dashing off to my bro's to get my hair dyed, then out to dinner at The Moon cafe with lovely friends. Strippers after that, for the first time - never been before. Then tomorrow afternoon I step foot into the C revolving restaurant for the first time to enjoy high tea in lovely company. First experiences always have rosier-coloured glasses than any time after.

I have this urge to dress-up nicely to go out tonight, but I also don't want to encourage guys at the strippers to mistake me for someone they can grab at. Wardrobe dilemma! I have no doubt I'll figure out something though, and whatever the consequences, it's all part of the experience. As long as I avoid the slutty look completely, since that would just be inviting trouble! I've also been on short sleep all week, and will certainly be shorter after tonight. Will be doing my damnedest to sleep-in tomorrow morning, for sure! No regrets! Plans to spend a lot more tonight that I normally would - cocktails from bars tend to be costly, plus a few tipping dollars for strippers - and I might even end up catching a taxi, which is a rare occurance for me!

All in all, it should be a fantastic weekend :D

Point form with random stuff

silverai — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 09:44:58 GMT

Brain a little scattered so I'm going for point form.

*Got Xmas holidays off, even though my shop was open in that time. Enjoyed lazing around a lot and wearing funky coloured nail polish.
*Managed to maintain my weight over Xmas and not gain any while indulging in lots of yummy stuff, by being smart and selective about it.
*Got back into the groove of work very easily, almost like I haven't been away except with the benefit of a really good break.
*Think I have found an excellently priced venue for wedding stuff that does the thing I wanted for guests. Very exciting, as all my research before indicated I'd have to give it up. Get to check the venue out in a few weeks, not sharing any more than that with anyone until after then.
*Birthday coming up on the 24th, but close friends flying out before then, so moved the festivities up to this weekend.
*Discovered last weekend that there was an 8th book in the Incarnations of Immortality series by Piers Anthony. Nox! Reading at traffic lights isn't smart, but hard to resist.
*Curling ribbon is a marvelous creation.
*My glasses broke yesterday morning. Big long story short, they were 12 days within warranty and I managed to get things organised so they were fixed yesterday afternoon. Being able to see properly is a good thing.
*Colouring-in is very time consuming, but greatly enjoyable and relaxing.
*Planning to go to the eastern states sometime within the next six months to visit a dear friend of mine. Looking forward to both seeing her and checking out far off Australian places.
*Friends currently in Canada are arriving in Perth for a visit in a bit over a month. Be good to see them again!
*Zig is awesome.
*The Steam holiday sale was hard to resist and involved me spending $200+ on games. I'm mostly a pirate cos I don't agree with the price of the games, but damn, that sale was good. And costly to my credit card!
* Got two Threadless t-shirts in the mail yesterday that I ordered back in December. Very happy with the purchase.

INVITES - comment/contact me for more details if interested.
*Everyone invited to come to a strip club with me on Saturday 9th 8:30pm - I imagine mostly male friends will come, but interested ladies welcome too.
*Everyone invited to come to dinner with me in Northbridge on Saturday 9th 7:15pm - venue yet to be decided. RSVP preferred so appropiate sized table can be booked.
*All lady friends (and their lady friends too) invited to come to the C restaraunt (it revolves!) for High Tea on Sunday 10th 2:30pm. RSVP needed by Friday, restaraunt requires it.

Random Things: Weight, Zig, Xmas, Fruit, etc.

silverai — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 07:08:02 GMT

One week from now, I get an entire week off work. Hoorah! Extra awesome because the shop is staying open for that short gap between Xmas and New Years, and I still get it off! Someone else will be covering those three days at my store.

In the last week, Zig has volunteered ideas about the wedding, regarding photos and the honeymoon. This is fantastic! Usually I tell him what I'm thinking, and ask him what he thinks about it, cos he has not previously had any ideas or cared too much about it. So it's so wonderful to have him start meeting me in the middle :D

I put on a skirt this morning that used to sit on my waist from memory. So I put it back up to my waist and pinched the excess material. According to this highly scientific method, I have probably lost about four inches around my tummy.

Last night I was sitting on the floor and flopped back onto my back. Instead of meeting floor, my spine met the leg of the bottom half of a pedestal house fan. This was a solid two inch high, one and half inch across bar of metal. OW! my poor spine :(

My parents have a huge apricot tree, that fruits a shitload of apricots in early December every year. I decided I was going to preserve some this year (like brandied cherries) and maybe get Zig to make some sort of not-wine not-beer fizzy alcoholic drink out of the rest. The drawback to this yummy plan is that I have to process them all. Cut off bird pecks and any crappy bits, and halve them and pit them. This takes a while. I did about two mixing bowls worth on Wednesday night, which took me just over two hours. I estimate that I've only processed about a quarter of the apricots I have. Eep! Next chance to do them is Sunday - I HAVE to do them then, since Mum says you've only got about two weeks once they're picked (and you gotta keep them refridgerated that whole time or they go pooey within a day or two) and they were fresh picked two Mondays ago.

Family Xmas gathering tomorrow, gotta get there immediately after work as they'll have started already by then. But gotta start without me, cos Mum & Dad have to leave about 7pm to get enough sleep before waking up way early for the Sunday markets. I already made chocolate truffles and rum balls last night as my thing to take, along with wrapping as many presents as I had. No chance to do more apricots though, alas. But since I'm busy tonight, and have an appointment before work tomorrow, I think I got the really important things done. Only a few more presents to wrap now, hopefully can find 10 minutes to do it!