The Silmarillion in 10 Minutes

24- Of the Voyage of Earendil and the War of Wrath

achika_chan — Fri, 25 Aug 2006 20:45:51 GMT

Chapter 24 - Earendil and the War of Wrath

Earendil: Weeeeee, I have a wife and two sons. I bet you know who they are Elrond and Elros and we live by the sea. But...WAAAAAH! I miss Mommy and Daddy! Why did they LEAVE ME? I must sail after them! :does so:

Elwing: Great. Leave me with the kids. Thanks.

Earendil: My spidey sense is tingling! Something is HORRIBLY HORRIBLY WRONG at home. I must return to save the day!

Maedhors: Dear Elwing,

Hi, It's me, Maedhros. Sorry about your brothers and all that. Listen, You know the jewel you have? It's kinda my brothers' and mine. I'd like it back. Please. You won't like me when I'm angry.

Love, Maedhros, son of Feanor.

Elwing and the people of Sirion: Dear Maedhros,

Screw you and the boat you sailed in on.

Love, Elwing.

Sons of Feanor: Oh, now that's just not possible. We really need to lay the smack down on them. :attacks Sirion:

Pretty much everyone: :dies:

Elwing: Now you two just be good little boys while mommy throws herself out of this lighthouse window, K? :tries to commit suicide to protect the silmaril. turns into a bird instead.:

Maglor: Awwww. Lookit the poor little orphan boys. Can we keep them, Maedhros? It will distract me from my crippling depression.

Maedhros: :sigh: alriiiiiiight.

Earendil: What the heck is that bird doing flying right at us?

Elwing: :returns to elven form:

Earendil: WTF? Well, my sons are 'captives' and my city is destroyed. On plus side, have back my shiny, shiny wife. :sails for Valinor:

Earendil: :steps on shore: NO ONE ELSE LEAVE THE BOAT. You might get struck down by holy wrath.

Crew: OK.

Earendil: Hello? Anyone home? Bueller? Bueller?

City: :whistles like a ghost town:

Earendil: :shudders:

Eonwe: Hey, baby! Looking for a good time?

Earendil: Uh...What?

Eonwe: :sighs: Always the stupid ones. Look, just come with me to the festival. You can talk to the gods there.

Valar: So, whatcha want?

Earendil: It'd be nice if you could, uh,Pardon the Noldor and Uh, help them and the race of Men defeat the Big Bad Melkor?

Valar: Ah, we'll think about it,

Mandos: Should a mortal man be here and live?

Ulmo: Is he Tuor's son of the line of Hador, or is he Idril's son of the House of Finwe?

Manwe: PWNED. He won't be punished. And him and his family will get to choose if they want to be mortal or immortal.

Earendil: I'm tired, you pick for me, sweetie.

Elwing: Immortal, Duh. I'm not gonna make the same mistake granny Luthien made. You wanna be mortal you're on your own.

Earendil: I'll be immortal for you.

Manwe: It's done. Hey, Earendil, guess what? You getta be a STAR and sail your boat around the void! Fun, huh?

Maglor: WTF? Is that a new star? That's totally the light of a Silmaril. THAT'S CHEATING!!!!!

Maedhros: :smacks Maglor upside the head:

Morgoth: I AM INVINCIBLE!

Valar: We'll just see about that, now, won't we? :smack Morgoth around like a Ho
and wind up BREAKING THE EARTH:

Morgoth: :cries as the valar chain him:

Eonwe: :takes the silmarils: And I'll be taking THESE Thankyouverymuch

Valar: Ok, elfies. You've had your fun, time to come back home.

Maedhros and Maglor: Dear Eonwe,

Please to be giving back daddy's jewels?

Love, the only surviving sons of Feanor

Eonwe: Dear Lunkheads,
You gave up the rights to these when you killed people.
PWNED, Eonwe

Maglor: CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? THIS IS NOT HELPING MY DEPRESSION, MAEDHROS!

Maedhros: No, now shut up.

Maedhros and Maglor: : try steal the Silmarils from Eonwe's tent and get caught:

Maedhros: :actually touches a silmaril and gets BURNED BY THE HOLY FIRE: NUUUUUUUU! :takes the silmaril and jumps off a cliff that just happens to be nearby:

Maglor: WAAAAAH! MY DEPRESSION! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! :chucks the silmaril into the ocean and goes wandering forever:

A bunch of the elves: :go West:

A different bunch of elves: :Stay in Middle Earth:

Morgoth: :gets thrown into The Void:

Sauron: :cries and plots revenge:

The End

3: Of the Coming of the Elves and the Captivity of Melkor

achika_chan — Mon, 26 Jun 2006 22:35:29 GMT

Beleriand: WAAAAAH! The Valar don't like me cuz it's DARK!

Yavanna and Orome: We <3 you, Beleriand!

Melkor: Bwahaha! The other Valar don't come here, so I can build my forces in secret! :evil:

Sauron: <3 Master <3

Yavanna: Um....You guys? The Children of Iluvatar are gonna wake up soon.....Shouldn't they have...I dunno...Light?

Tulkas: I KILL MELKOR!

Manwe: Uh....Hows about No? Honey, get back in the Kitchen and make up some pretty stars for the elves, OK?

Varda: YAY! I like making stars!

Stars: :Twinkle Twinkle:

Elves: :yawn: Huh? What're those thingies in the sky? we'll call them el! and OMG we speak! SO we'll be the Quendi!

Orome: La la la! Hunting is so fun! Huh? What're these little Biped things with pointy ears?

Elves: AHHHHH! Don't hurt us! Shadows Bad! You Bad!

Orome: Don't be scared little elvies. I shall hug you and squeeze you and pet you and call you George.

Elves:....Shiny man god.

Melkor: :steals elves and makes them ORCS OMG:

Orome: I must tell everyone of my new pets!
Manwe: .....We must save the Quendi from the evil of Melkor!

Tulkas: WOOHOO!!!

Valar: :lay the Smack Down on Melkor:

Melkor: Spare me, brother! Pretty please?

Manwe: Nope! :tosses Melkors butt in Mandos Hall:

Ulmo: we should let the Quendi live in Beleriand how they like.

Manwe: Nope! :summons the Elves:

Ulmo: :pouts:

Mandos: DOOOOOM.

Elves: We dun wanna go!

Orome: Send ambassadors?

Elves: BRILLIANT.

Ingwe, Finwe and Elwe: We ambassadors have this to say. OMG SQUUUUUE SHINY LAND YAY.

Most elves: WE follow the ambassadors and make them King!

Other elves: Yeah, you do that. We'll stay here.

Lenwe: Look, I know we're almost there and all, but uh...I'm gonna South with my people. Smell ya later.

Valar: Ooooh! Look at these ones! They're all gold and cute! We like them best! They'll be the Vanyar, Ingwe's people.

Noldor: Hi!

Aule: OMG yay! Pets of my very own!

Teleri: Hey! Remember us! There's the most of us!

Valar: Meh.

Ulmo: Don't worry, I like you. But what happened to your King, Elwe?

Teleri: Uh....He got a bit lost, and a bunch of us stayed behind to look for him. We don't like to talk about it.

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Chapter 19: Of Beren and Luthien

achika_chan — Mon, 01 May 2006 20:45:05 GMT

One of the most well known stories from the Silmarillion.....

The Silm in 10

Chapter 19: Of Beren and Luthien

Morgoth: BWAHAHAHA! I found youz! :attacks Barahir's settlement:

Beren: :returns home: OMG!!!! DADDY! :takes a Ring back from an orc: I am an Outlaw! Fear me!!!! :wanders:

Luthien: La la la la! :dances:

Beren: :sees Luthien: SHINY! er....Nightengale! Wait!

Luthien: AHHHHHHHHH! :Peper Sprays him and runs away:

Beren: Oh Noez! I must find my True Love That I Only Saw for a Moment!

Luthien: La La La! :dances:

Beren: Wait! I Wuv Ooo!

Luthien: Awwwe! He's all Scruffy!

Daeron: But..but...What about ME, Luthien?

Luthien: Er..Who are you again?

Daeron: WAH!!!!! I'm Telling your daddy that you're sleeping with a mortal!!!

Thingol: RAGE!!!

Luthien: No Daddy!

Beren: Eeep.

Melian: :nudge nudge pointed stare:

Beren: I want to Marry your Daughter!! Even Though I'm a Mortal and she's a Elf! She's SHINY!

Thingol: RAGE!!

Melian: Bad Dog!

Thingol: :sulks: Ahaha! Lightbulb! Bring me a Silmaril from Morgoth's crown in your hand, and you shall have my daughter! :Evil: He'll never do it.

Beren: OK! :goes to The Walled City: :knows the guards are there: eep! I'm here to see the King! I'm a friend of his and have the ring to prove it! pleasedon'tshootme!!!!!

Finrod: Joy!

Beren: Help me win Luthien?

Finrod: .....Two of the Sons of Feanor are here. IT's a REALLY BAD IDEA to try to take a Silmaril. but OK!

Celegorm: "Be he friend or foe, whether Demon of Morgoth, or Elf, or child of Men, or any other living thing in Arda, neither law, nor love, nor league of hell, nor might of the Valar, nor any power of wizardry, shall defend him from the pursuing hate of Feanor's sons, if he take or find a SIlmaril and keep it. For the Silmarils we alone claim, until the world ends.'

Curufin: In short: Touch a Silmaril or even THINK about one, AND WE KILL YOU DED!!!

People: We follow the Crazies. Sorry, Finrod.

Finrod: I AM BETRAYED! Fine then. I'm not King anymore, you meanie heads. My brother is King now!

Finrod and Beren: :leave and disguise themselves as Orcs throug FINROD'S MAGIC POWERS:

Sauron: Oh no you don't! Who be youz?

Finrod and Beren: No one?

Sauron: I CHALLENGE YOU TO A RAP BATTTLE!

Finrod: I Accept!

Sauron and Finrod: :battle:

Finrod: :looses badly:

Sauron: Who's pwned NOW Biznitches? :throws them in a pit:

Luthien: :pulls a Repunzel and escapes to help Beren:

Celegorm: :sees Luthien: SHINY!! :kidnaps Luthien:

Huan: :IS A TALKING DOG OMG: :helps Luthien escape:

Wolf: I come to eat Youz!

Finrod: Oh no you didn't! :slays the wolf, but dies also:

Beren: WAH!!!!!

Luthien: :destroys Sauron's Palace with her voice:

Beren: I know that terrible singing voice! LUTHIEN!

Luthien: BEREN! Joy!

Sauron: Run Away! Run Away! MASTER!!!!!! SHE WAS MEAN TO ME!!!!!

Orodeth: :is the New King: I BANISH THE CRAZY SONS OF FEANOR!!!

Celegorm and Curufin: WE ARE BETRAYED!!!!

Curufin: :sees Beren in the field they're all in: I KILL YOU!

Beren: Uh, No. I kill you. :strangles Curufin:

Huan: RAR!!

Curufin and Celegorm: RUN AWAY!

Luthien: Hi Morgoth! Need an Exotic dancer? I'm Shiny?

Morgoth: Yes, yes you are.

Luthien: :puts him to sleep with her MAGIC CLOAK SPELL:

Beren: :steals a Silmaril from Morgoth's crown: Hmmmm. Maybe I should get another one? :wakes Morgoth attempting to steal the 2nd one:

Morgoth: RAR!!!!!!!

Beren and Luthien: RUN AWAY!!!!!

Wolf: Bwahaha! :eats the hand of Beren's that has the Silmaril: PAIN! OWW! :runs away:

Beren and Luthien: The Eagles are Coming! We're saved! :return to Doriath:

Daeron: :had gone wandering after Luthien left, never to Return:

Thingol: Haha! You don't have the Silmaril!

Beren: Not true! It's in my hand right now!

Thingol: Show me!

Beren: :holds out good hand first: It was in my OTHER hand. :shows the stump of a hand that held the silmaril: PWNED.

Thingol: :twitch: FINE!

Wolf with the Silmaril in its stomache: OWW! PAIN! RAR!!!

Huan: :kills wolf, but also dies:

Beren: :Takes the SIlmaril out of the Wolf's stomache and gives it to Thingol: There Now. Happy? :dies from wounds, but lingers in the Halls of Mandos before leaving forever:

Luthien: WOE!!! :fades away: :sings for Mandos, the God of the Dead:

Mandos: FINE FINE YOU CAN GO BACK JUST STOP SINGING!!!

Luthien: Yay! :comes back to life with Beren, tied to his life force:

The End.
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Chapter 8: Of the Darkening of Valinor

achika_chan — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 20:52:29 GMT

The Silmarillion in 10 Minutes:

Chapter 8: Of the Darkening of Valinor.

Morgoth: I am EVIL!!11 :escapes:

Manwe: Oh Noz!!! Where did my Uber-powerful and evil brother go?

Orome and Tulkas: We'll Catch him and KEEL HIM DED!

Morgoth: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Why Hello there Giant Spider Lady.

Ungoliant: HUNGRY!!! WANT LIGHT!!!

Morgoth: :lightbulb: Ideeeeeaaaa! If you help me, I'll pay you with BOTH HANDS.

Ungoliant: O Rly?

Morgoth: Ya Rly!

Ungoliant: OK! But No Takesies-Backsies!

Morgoth: Boyscouts Honor!

Ungoliant: Festival Time! Perfect for EVIL PLAN OF DOOM.

The Two Trees: :SHINE and GLOW and all that STUFF:

All the Elves: Weeee! We're HAPPY! It's Festival Time! Nothing can go wrong!!!

Feanor: :on Probation for attempted murder of his brother: :pouts:

Fingolfin: I FORGIVE YOU!!!! :loves:

Ungoliant: NOW! :rushes down and SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF THE GLOWY TREES: BWAHAHAHAHAHA

The Two Trees: OH Noz! We Be Slain!!!!

Elves: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH:gasp:HHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's DARK! All Our Light is Gone! What will we do?!

Morgoth and Ungoliant: BWAHAHAHAHA

Ungoliant: :Flees:

Yavanna: MY TREES!!!!11

Nienna: :sobs cuz that's what she DOES, Yo:

Orome and Tulkas: WE CHASE YOU DED, MORGOTH!!

Morgoth: Yeah right, Biznitches!

Orome and Tulkas: Curses, Foiled again!!

Morgoth: I Win!!!!

The End
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Chapter 16: Of Maeglin

achika_chan — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 20:50:01 GMT

I continue my quest to help people get through the Silmarillion! Now up: Chapter 16 - Of Maeglin

The Silmarillion in 10 Minutes:

Chapter 16: Of Maeglin

Aredhel: :cries: I'm A princess who lives in a KICKASS Hidden City away from Evil, but I'm boooooooooooooored! :stomps feet:

Turgon: For Gods' sakes, Sister! If I let you go will you STOP WHINING?

Aredhel: Yes!

Turgon: FINE! :summons three guards: Protect her with your life or I KEEL YOU!!!!!

Guards: OK!

Aredhel: You guys can leave now! I is gonna see the sons of Feanor who are CRAZY even though I told Turgon I wouldn't.

Guards: OK! :leave:

Aredhel: :Mr. Burns: Excellent. :wanders into a REALLY DARK AND SPOOKY FOREST OMG: Where am I?

Eol: :evil laugh: Excellent. Fresh Meat! :sneaks up on Aredhel: Hello Little Girl.

Aredhel: EEEK! Who be youz?

Eol: :puts on the pathetic: I am a poor Dark Elf who lives here all by my lonesome with no one to talk too. Will you say with me?

Aredhel: OK!

Eol: Excellent. You will be my wife, so the housework, give me heirs, never speak Quenya, never speak of your family, and most of all NEVER EVER LEAVE OR I KEEL YOU DED!!!!

Aredhel: Meep. Maybe this was a mistake? :gets pregnant: Oops. I'll name him Lomion, but SHhhhh! No tellie the husband!

Eol: The boy doesn't get a name!

Maeglin: :turns twelve:

Eol: You've got piercing eyes, you shall be Maeglin!

Maeglin: Yay I have a name!!!!!!! er... I mean..:shruggs:

Eol: :goes away:

Aredhel: :tells Maeglin about HER FAMILY OMG:

Maeglin: :interested: I can be Turgon's heir!

Aredhel: WAAAAAAAAH! I WANNA GO HOOOOOOOOOME!

Eol: NO! Now make me a sandwich, woman! :goes to visit the dwarves:

Maeglin: QUICK! Run away! Run Away!

Aredhel and Maeglin: :FLEE!:

Eol: :home early: Honey, I'm Hooom...WTF? They're gone? I AM BETRAYED!!!!!

Curufin (A son of Feanor): WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, INFIDEL!?

Eol: I want my wife and son back!

Curufin: They ain't here.

Eol: :forced politeness: Thank you, Kinsman.

Curufin: Oh no you didn't! You STOLE Aredhel from us. You are no Kin of MINE. NOW GET OFF MY PROPERTY!!!!

Eol: :tracks Aredhel and Maeglin:

Aredhel and Maeglin: Yayz! We made it!

Turgon: You is alive! JOY!

Maeglin: :stares and pretty blonde on Turgon's right: Eeee! Pretty Shiny! Want!

Idril: Ewww. I'm your COUSIN.

Maeglin: SO? You're SHINY!

Eol: :taken captive:

Aredhel: Oh Noz!

Turgon: :frowns: You have to stay here. Can't having you tell people where this Pretty Pretty city is.

Eol: Screw you! Maeglin, come with me, boy!

Maeglin: But...I dun wanna....

Eol: I AM BETRAYED!!! :flings spear at Maeglin:

Aredhel: :SACRIFICE OMG: Owchies!

Turgon: I KEEL YOU!!!

Aredhel and Idril: Don't be rash!

Turgon: OK!

Aredhel: :dies: x_x

Turgon: I KEEL YOU!!!!!!!

Eol: I curse you, son! You won't ever amount to anything, you good for nothing FREAK! You will die the same death as me!

Maeglin: Meh, whatever old man.

Turgon: :Throws Eol off a GIANT CLIFF OF DOOM OMG:

Maeglin: Eeeee! I am Popular and an awesome miner and smart and good in battle!!!! But WHY DOES IDRIL NOT LOVE ME????????

Idril: Cuz you're a FREAK! Ewwwwww! You're my cousin!

Maeglin: SHINY! :stalks Idril and becomes obsessive:

The End

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Welcome!

achika_chan — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 20:47:30 GMT

Ever wanted to Read what happened in Middle Earth before the War of the Ring? Couldn't get past the first chapter of the Simarillion because it was SO BORING? Well, I, Achika, the resident Silmarillion buff, am here to help YOU. I bring you the first installment of THE SILMARILLION IN 10 MINUTES. Beware the Crack
within the cut.

The Silmarillion in 10 Minutes

Chapter 21: The Tale of Turin Turambar

Morwen and Hurin: Yay! We're Married and Happy! We have a son! He'll be Lucky forever!

Morgoth: Hahahaha! Not for long!

Hurin goes off to war against Morgoth and gets kidnapped.

Morwen: :Pregnant with a daughter: Turin, I'll send you to the Elves! Bandits have taken over the city!

Turin: Ok! :goes to Doriath:

Beleg: Who are you, Man-child?

Turin: I'm Turin and I'm going to be the King's Foster son! Aren't I lucky?

Morgoth: I put a curse on your house, Hurin, for not giving me information! Only bad things will happen to your family from now on! SO Nyan!

Hurin: O Noez!

Morwen: :Has her Baby Girl named Nienor:

Turin: :grows up pretty pretty and strong:

Beleg: O_O. Woah Baby. Lets go hunt in the woods for three years.

Turin: Man am I LUCKY. :jumps into Beleg's arms:

They return. and Turin is Scruffy, Like Aragorn.

Saeros: Hahaha, "If all the Men of (your city) are so wild and fell, of what sort are the women? Do they run like deer clad only in their hair?" Hahaha Pwned!

Turin: :Throws a mug: hahaha! Who's pwned now, Biznitch?!

Saeros: :corners Turin in the woods: REVENGE!

Turin: :wrestles Saeros, strips him and runs him through the forest: Who's pwned now, Biznitch!?

Saeros: Oh the Shame and TerrorI feel! :jumps off a cliff:

Turin: Oh Crap. Run Away! Run Away! :runs off to be a bandit:

Thingol: :sad: It wasn't his fault and I want my boy back!

Beleg: Oh, I want him back to. I loved him well. Never Fear, Beleg is here! I shall find him!

Thingol: Yayz!11!1

Beleg: :to Bandits: Um...Take me to your Leader?

Bandits: :Beat him up and otherwise do 'evil and lawless deeds' to him: SPY!!!!

Turin: O NOZ!!!!111! :rescues!:

Beleg: :fails to persuade Turin to come back:

Turin: You can stay here, tho. Really! Don't mind at all!

Beleg: Uh, No. :leaves:

Thingol: Where's my boy?!

Beleg: He's a bandit. But I'll go protect him if you give me sword.

Thingol: OKayz! :gives sword:

Meilan: :gives the Magic Bread and an ominous warnign about the sword:

Beleg: :Ingores!:

Winter: :comes:

Turin and his bandits: :lives with a Dwarve who HATES ELVES OMG:

Bandits: OMG, who could be coming?

Beleg: :takes off his hood: Haha! It is I, Beleg Cuthalion!

Turin: JOY! :jumps in Beleg's arms:

Dwarve: :twtich: :glare:

Turin and Beleg: :Fights Evil!:

Dwarve: :betrays secrets OMG:

Morgoth: HAHA! I have found j00 son of Hurin! DIE! :sends minons!:

Bandits: :ded0rz:

Beleg: :alive:

Turin: :kidnapped by ORCS OMG!!!!:

Beleg: EVIL DWARVE! I KEEL YOU DED!!!! OMG NO! Turin gone! Must rescue and be valiant!

Gwindor: :is crippled elf Oh Noez!: I escaped from Morgoth's lair!

Beleg: Quiet! Must Find Turin and be Valiant!

Turin: :Asleep:

Clouds: :DAARK AND STORMY OMG!:

Beleg: I Found you! Yay! :cuts off Turin's bindings. But OMG on the last one he slips and nicks Turin! OMG NO!:

Turin: :Delirious: ARG! DIE EVIL!!!! :takes Beleg's sword and STABS HIM DEAD!:

Gwindor: WTF did you just do, man?!

Turin: :shock!!1!!: :stay silent forever-like omg!:

Gwindor: :takes him to Magical Lake by a Walled City!: Drink!

Turin: :has emotional breakdown after sipping the water and composes song for Beleg:

Gwindor: I saw your father in Morgoth's evil Lair of DOOM. He put a curse on your family!

Turin: True, True.

King of Walled City: Who be youz?

Gwindor: I'm Gwindor!

Turin: ...Call me the Bloodstained.

Elves: ....OK.....:back away slowly:

Princess Finduilas: OMG That the Bloodstained guy is HOT! :loves:

Gwindor: BAD IDEA! BAD IDEA! He's Really Turin son of Hurin and he;s got a curse OMG!

Finduilas: He doesn't love me!! :cries:

Dragon: :ATTACKS WALLED CITY OMG!!!!:

Almost everyone: :is dedorz:

Dragon: Hullo, Turin! :evil:

Turin: :hypnotized by Dragon: Runaway. Runaway.

Dragon: :attacks Morwen and her daughter Nienor (remember them? Yeah, Daughter's kinda important)

Nienor: AHHHHH! :runs and LOSES HER MEMORY OMG:

Turin: :encounters Nienor who he has never seen before: Pretty Lady in Distress? I shall Help Her!

Turin and Nienor: :get married:

Turin: That Dragon that attacked the Walled city is nearby? MUST KILL!

Nienor: Don't go!

Turin: I Ignore you! :goes with some men to beat the Dragon:

Turin: :injured:

Suitor for Nienor: He's Dead? OMG! :tells eveyone:

Nienor: :commits Suicide:

Turin: I'm not dead Yet.

Everyone: :scorns Suitor:

Turin: :Goes and Kills Dragon: OMG I've Killed to many people! BELEG!!!!

Sword: :EVIL LAUGH:

Turin: :commits Suicide:

The End.
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