I have always processed difficult things in writing. I know that makes a lot of people very uncomfortable. If you think that you would feel uncomfortable reading this entry, please, for my sake, skip it. It is not for you.

I am a writer, but when I'm handling my own emotions, not always the most eloquent. So what follows is just sort of a portrait of where I am emotionally right at this very moment. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, or in a week, or a month. It's also predominantly focused on me, and how I am coping with my complicated, messy, and sometimes selfish feelings around the death of someone I deeply loved. A memorial, a post for her, may come later, when I've had more distance and time to choose my words carefully.

Comments on this post will remain private/screened. Also, major trigger warning for the topic of suicide.

( Waves.Collapse )

Whoo. SUPER busy weekend.

Thursday was the day of Two Dinners. One at my mom's, and one at Jason's dad's. I ended my day feeling like Jabba The Hutt, shamefully waddling home. I ate way, way too much. The day was pretty uneventful, except for my nephew running-full speed and faceplanting into a credenza. Scared the piss out of me, but he got up with a swollen face and a cut on his cheek. Thankfully, no concussion, which I fully expected, considering the force at which his face struck. Children are resilient, man.

On Black Friday, Jason and I went with twelvepetals and her wife Jen (and their cousin) to get a little Christmas spirit. After a truly tasty brunch at Atwaters and some shopping at Belvedere Square Market (truffles, plum and vanilla bean preserves, triple ginger muffins), we headed to Valley View Farms to gawk at all of the Christmas displays and pick up some decorations or our house. There were lots of pretty things to look at, omg. If we didn't have animals, I would 100% carpet my home in glittery poinsettias. Ended up grabbing LED candles for the mantle, some peppermint ornaments, and a slew of hot chocolate mixes. After that, it was on to the Amish market, where we picked up cheeses, apple bread, and other sweet treats to stock our pantry. It was a good day of pumping money into the local economy and small businesses.

Saturday was PACK ALL THE ORDERS! day. I've been having a Black Friday - Cyber Monday sale, and it is going well. I spent most of my day chiseling down a mountain of orders. Jason took five XL grocery bags of packages to the post office today.

Yesterday, I got to work making new stock (and some custom work). I'm selling so well at the sale that my stock is running low, especially on wirework necklaces. I'm vending on Thursday, so I need a few fancier pieces to show. So it's nose to the grindstone to get some new shinies done. I need a full day to make tags, hooks, and general prep, so I only have two more days. Gotta get to it.

I bought my tickets for A Longwood Christmas next Saturday. Very excited.

In the evenings, Jason and I watched Jessica Jones. We're alllllmost through the season, and MAN I have lots of things to say about how the villains are essentially different aspects of toxic masculinity, but I'll save it for when I'm finished the series.

But for now: more work.

Jason and I got back from Salem last night around midnight. Much more successful attempt at a vacation than this year's trip to the Outer Banks. There were a few down notes, but overall, a good time was had. ( The trip.Collapse )

Most of my pictures from the trip are up at my Instagram! Holy cats, we did a lot.


As for other goings-on:

-- I made it to Faire once this season. I had a better time than expected (since I've been in a weird headspace lately), and it was nice to not be scrambling from one show to the next. Mostly, I wandered. It was exactly what I needed, along with good times with fun friends (Jen & Laura).

-- I attended a Witches' Tea Party at damejenn's, which was EXQUISITELY decorated. The refreshments provided were well-chosen and delicious. The company was delightful. I made fun cupcakes. Again, pics at Instagram.

-- I've been working on getting a handle on my situational depression and anxiety. I only had one anxiety attack the whole time I was in Salem. Part of that was knowing that the kitties were in excellent hands. Abby is a godsend. But Nox is a bit thinner than I'm used to seeing him, and he's due for a vet appointment in a week, so I'm trying to manage the anxiety that comes from that. We had a great snuggle earlier today, and he's still eating, even if he's being a super fussbutt about it. Good thoughts appreciated.

-- The next two weeks are going to be mostly me completing the next FaerieMag order. It's smaller this month, probably because they ordered so much stock last month that they're still working through. This batch is mostly holiday stuff, and, for the most part, not as work-intensive. Which means I might be able to put out a small holiday retail collection this year, huzzah.

-- Transcendence is headlining the All Seasons Hafla on Sunday!

It has been a long but pretty good two weeks. I started it off by getting sick as hell. Jason gave me the Head Cold Of Doom, and I was down for the count for almost four days. Like, couldn't open both eyes at the same time sick. It was not fun.

But I came out of it just in time to stop at Laura & Jen's impromptu memorial day get together. I've been slowly making up social rainchecks that I had to issue while I was ill-- Karyn & I met at the NGA for delicious food (bourbon and apricot glazed turkey, omfg) and then a wander to the butterfly garden at the natural history museum. Abby and I met up for a jaunt around the botanical gardens and then a trip to the Freer-Sackler to see Whistler's Peacock Room, and a modern art piece based on it, Filthy Lucre / REMIX (aka, the Peacock Room as a nightmare-scape). It was immersive and absolutely wonderful, so if you like art, you should definitely go see it.

I got to go to the zoo with my family (including baby Zeke), and it's awesome just how much he loves animals. Like, he spent half the day blowing kisses to the animals. Adorable. Sunday, Jason and I hit up Tacoma Park for brunch at Republic and a trip around the farmer's market for heirloom tomatoes, Atwaters' bread, and delicious fresh soft cheese with lavender infusion.

I've been documenting with lots of pics over on instagram: https://instagram.com/sihayadesigns/

Work-wise, I sold through a half dozen of crescent moon earrings in two hours, and am finishing up a few commissions before I begin the next wholesale set for Faerie Magazine. I'm going to do a mini-collection of Elizabeth I & Anne Boleyn pieces next week.

This morning, I also finished the five scent blends for the next run of candle tins. I want my scents to be exclusive to me, so they're not just "pour ready-made scent into wax" dealies. I hand-blended them all myself. They are:

Amas - Sweet lemon and rose cream. A light, refreshing scent that invites love.

Angelica - Oranges and sandalwood musk. Narcotically hypnotizing, you'll fall under her spell.

Avalon - Egyptian musk, dragon's blood, and ripe apples. A bright, airy scent like the eternal mists of the sacred isle.

Invocation - Two ambers, copal, dragon's blood, oakmoss, and a hint of myrrh. A slightly sweet, resinous blend of sacred incenses.

Sidhe Draoi - Moss, fresh soil, green leaves, cedar, and a touch of amber. A fittingly fresh and woodsy scent to honor dryads, forest spirits who are sometimes called "fairy Druids."

Amas and Angelica are recreations of the blends I issued in 2012. Invocation is an updated version of a similar scent. Avalon and Sidhe Draoi are both new. The wax pouring for those begins tomorrow!

Work:



There's a new update at Sihaya Designs. It's mostly wings (including an expanded Design Your Own Wings option), but there's also some labdradorite and earring odds and ends.

I am toying with releasing some candles next month-- I want to learn how to make pillar candles, but my candle tins I did in 2011 were quite popular. I'm thinking of releasing Amas (lemon, rose, cream, a favorite last time), Invocation (amber, copal, sandalwood), an Avalon-inspired blend, a forest/dryad-inspired blend, and possibly Angelica (sandalwood and sweet oranges). Right now, I've got about $200 worth of wax and containers and oils in my cart, and that has to wait until I restock wire. But this will probably happen, especially if requests are strong enough.

Spoutwood:

Spoutwood was mostly pretty great. Let me tell you, having Faerie Magazine sponsor me was incredible and relieved SO MUCH stress. They set up the tent, provided all of the merchandising stuff except my earring racks, handled the money, put me up in a hotel, and sold my stuff when I was on stage. A+++, good times. It made for an incredibly easy experience for me.

The Transcendence sets also went well, and I actually loved doing my little solo bit in each set. Our group has really gelled in a way that collaborating feels like a joyful experience, and even though I'm not particularly interested in dancing outside of it at the moment, it's keeping my love of dancing from completely burning out.

On the minus, I got food poisoning from eating at Ruby Tuesday on Friday night and spent Saturday constantly rushing to the port-a-johns. In the middle of conversations with customers, right before stage sets... didn't matter. Lasted most of the day.

As for purchases, I really only made one: I got my yearly Dancing Pig Pottery mug. It reads, "I'm silently judging you."


Re-entry:

I am starting to see friends and loved ones again instead of the inside of my studio. I saw Colleen for brunch, am doing Wine in the Woods with Anna, am going to the Smithsonian with Karyn, and am going on a long hike with Jason this weekend. My social calender is slowly starting to re-open, so if you want on it, drop me a line.


Moving:

We renewed our lease on a month to month basis, despite the upstairs neighbors REALLY dialing back the noise level. Jason REALLY wants to buy a house. I am mostly "enh," about that, but I am a city-dweller at heart, so. We're going to start looking soon, without the pressure of a deadline.


Recommendations: I have been really into Belle Epoque-era Paris & London as a setting lately. I tend to prefer fiction more than non-fiction, but I wouldn't turn my nose up at an engagingly-written nonfic rec. Anybody got any recs for me? I just finished MJ Rose's The Witch of Painted Sorrows, and I loved the settings, even if I felt the characters weren't quite finished.

One of my oldest friends on LJ has been Kythryne, who runs Wyrding Studios. Over the years, we've traded tips, tricks, materials, and encouragement. Kyth is wonderful, and makes beautiful, swirly jewelry that is often imitated, but never quite duplicated.

Kyth needs help keeping the shop afloat as she deals with a rough patch. It's the primary source of income right now, and needs to remain so. There is a coupon code, and you can read more here.

Please consider buying some shiny things to help out a wonderful person.

Upon witnessing the transformation from no makeup & pjs to dressed and ready to go out, tamnonlinear gave me a great compliment today.

"You have weapons-grade femme skills."

Weapons-grade. I like that.

Wow, so... "new livejournal." It's pretty Tumblr-esque. I'll have to see if it grows on me.

Today, I am having a relaxing day. This weekend was about hunting for a new place to live (hence why I skipped the Transcendence performance at Fez Tones), and then some chilled out social time afterwards. Unfortunately, nothing promising yet on the living space front, though I am making some calls and tracking down private rentals to visit for next weekend. But social time was good! Saturday night, we played Cards Against Humanity with Brooke & Tim. Sunday was Thai food and another fun card game, Gloom, with Jenn & Todd. Gloom is, essentially, Edward Gorey meets Aubrey Beardsley: The Game. If you like the Lemony Snicket books, you'll probably like this, too. Anyhow, really fun! Will have to get a copy.

What things have I not talked about in my flurry of activity? Well, Spoutwood went well. I made enough $$$ to dig myself out of the financial hole that being too sick to work for two months caused. I may not have much left over, but that's infinitely preferable to being in the red. Performing with Transcendence was good, as usual, but I preferred last year's stage to this one. We were mainstage performers this year, which is exciting, but that meant we were sharing the stage with large bands and all of their equipment. Even when they did their best to clear room for us, I was still tripping over mics and trying not to run into drum kits. I never felt like I was entirely focusing on the performance aspect, and so next year I hope we can figure out a better workaround or go back to a less-cluttered stage.

The cats are doing well. Nox is putting some weight back on and overall being less fussy about food. The chemo regimen is greatly bettering his quality of life. We have been spending a lot of cuddle time together, he and I. He is a very happy cat who takes his pills and gets on with his life. I love him so much sometimes I think my heart will burst.

I am NOT looking forward to packing/moving. I have SO. MUCH. STUFF. in my studio that all I can think is "noooooooooooooooo."

My nephew is at that five month old stage where he looks like the Michelin Man. It is very likely my parents will try to attain custody after some preliminary legal hurdles are out of the way. The further away that child is from my sister, the more functional he will be.

My brother is being moved to Hawaii for three years by his job. I am intensely jealous. And sad, because I genuinely like hanging out with my brother. Genuinely liking hanging out with any member of my family is such an anomaly that I'm pretty bummed. But happy for him.

Fandom is good right now. If you're not watching Orphan Black, ye gods and little fishes, you ought to be. The Emmys need to be just a shower of awards for that show, and a crown for Tatiana Maslany. Anything less is a crime.

Jason is adjusting to his CGMS. It's working well as an early warning system, but he's having other health issues right now that are still complicating his efforts to keep his blood sugars consistent. Diabetes sucks not only because it sucks all by itself, but because it causes other, seemingly unrelated things not to work, too. Fuck diabetes, is what I'm saying.

I've been less consistent with the beauty blog, but back to posting this week. I bought myself a really pretty lipstick at Sephora that should be delivered tomorrow, and I can't WAIT to write about that. /magpie

So, there you have it. Nothing terribly interesting. But after the winter I had, uninteresting is okay by me.

Faire: Went to faire the day before we left for NC. I was still feeling very ill from the week before, dehydrated and lightheaded and overall just lacking in energy. A benefit of this is that I needed to stop and rest much more than I usually do, so I saw more shows. I took in thatliardiego's 4pm show at the Boar's Head, the Barely Balanced acrobats, Squire on the Wire, the Rogues, Cu Dubh, and bits and pieces of lots of others. One glass of wine was too much for me and made me want to yak. I had to pass over many of the tasty fried stuffs in favor of bland fare like pretzels. While I wanted to be there, I also wanted to be home, in bed, asleep. Also, dancing three songs with Amy & Brooke at the end of the day was a spectacularly bad idea and I should have known better. Ah well, we are very tentatively going to go the Saturday of the last weekend. I would like to, but with NC just past and Gettysburg ahead, finances are tight. We'll see.

Outer Banks:

( The vacation that wasn't.Collapse )

The Update: I finally got the Halloween update up in the wee hours of Thursday night/ Friday morning. I was working on a serious sleep deficit. For one, about a quarter of my written copy was destroyed in a file issue. For two, it was a lot of work, and I was going to bed around 4am, only to be awoken at 7:45am by hammering upstairs. (Which is still going on today... the upstairs neighbors with the toddlers moved out. They left us Godiva chocolates to thank us for putting up with toddler noises.) Add to that, I had several rush orders from one of the jewelers I work for. But the update is up, an I am pleased with it. Today will be packing orders and getting them out in a timely manner.

siGHt: Friday night (after having gotten three hours of sleep the night before and working an extra shift at Terra Firma), I powered through and went with Jason to see siGHt, Deviated Theatre's 50 minute ghost story "dance opera." To be honest, I didn't know what to expect. They started off with three "rising artist" pre-show openers. A gorgeous silks aerialist whose muscles had muscles doing a dramatic narrative piece, a younger group of girls doing modern dance to "Sail," and a phenomenal group of child tap dancers.

As for siGHt, it was absolutely breathtaking. There's not a lot I can say without spoiling it other than it was creepy, sad, beautiful, and cathartic. The spirits were so unbelievably spooky-- somewhat influenced by Asian ghosts, I thought-- long hair covering the face, ethereal white nightgowns-- and the way they moved, grasping desperately and jerkily, combined with their frenzied whispering and breathwork was a skin-crawling effect. But the dancing was so synchronized and well-executed that it was beautiful, too. There was also an absolutely wonderful child dancer who was on stage for almost the entire 50 minutes. As for the other two characters, I can't particularly say much without giving it away, but they were wonderful, too. If the show ever runs again (this was its second run), I would love to see it again.

Hocus Pocus: Yesterday, I hosted a few friends for an annual viewing of Hocus Pocus. J & I went out and got lots of fun seasonal touches from Target and Pier One, plus new curtains and a rug, while we were at it. The apartment now feels super cozy. We ended up watching Hocus Pocus, The Woman In Black, and then The Decoy Bride, a charming Kelly MacDonald / David Tennant romcom, to wash out the spooky. It was good to see friendly faces and overdose on gourmet cheese and snacks.

I also used up my one-day store of Martha Stewartness and made cupcakes:



( More pics, including my Autumn altar.Collapse )

Kittens: Olive has been an angel since we've been back from NC. She was ALL OVER Anna & Amy yesterday at the party. Mim ate way too much kibble and is now on a diet. Nox is worrying us a bit because he just hasn't really been interested in eating. Rather, he eats pickily and is constantly looking over his shoulder while he does. He's had to be coaxed the last few mealtimes, and Jason spent this morning hand-feeding him chicken. He's not running a fever, no vomiting, no litterbox issues. He seems a little bit more sleepy than usual, but not worryingly so. We're gonna keep an eye on him, and if he continues not to have much of an appetite, it's to the vet with him.


As for me, I want to sleep more today. I have 2 more pearl stringing assignments to complete, and a bajillion orders to pack. But I think I need a nap first.

Last week both emotionally and physically wore me out. I did have a very uplifting day yesterday at the Inappropriate Hafla, spending time among friends who genuinely like and support one another. Every time people are shitty, I just have to remind myself: my dance sisters and the dance community here are amazing. They will not let me fall down, or, if I do, they will pick me back up, make me laugh, and then put an alcoholic beverage in my hand. So everything will be ok.

Skits ranged from: T-Rex Fusion, things you can do with bananas, "I'm Elmo And I Know It", dry heaving to Mozart, what REALLY happens at practice, a revisit of one troupe's best on-stage fuck ups, making fun of 'bellydancers' on reality tv shows, gothic parody to the Numa Numa song, and (mostly) un-ironic love fests. Eye of Isis also graced us with their belly-comedy, followed by this JAW-DROPPING piece that was primarily African dance fusion, with a smidge of Indian fusion in there. They BROUGHT. IT. Omg. Really cool ladies, and I hope to see a lot more of them in the future.

For Verve's part, we did a Madonna set, to "Express Yourself," "Vogue," and "Ray Of Light." We used real Madonna choreography, as taught to us by amazing drag queens on YouTube. I was 90's Executive Dominatrix Madonna, and Flissy was 80's Desperately Seeking Susan Madonna. There were glittery cone bras, head-sets, and crotch grabbing. It fulfilled a childhood dream of mine.

I also vended, but pouring rain at intermission caused us to pull EVERYTHING down quite early. So boo to that, but yay for J and tamnonlinear helping me manage the chaos. (Proof positive that my faery wings are 100% waterproof.) I did a trade with Cheryl of Venus Out Of Bounds and came home with an armload of delicious-smelling candles.

So, it was a great time. The Kallistis know how to throw a party.

Today, I am being a lazy arse. This is going to be a nose-to-the-grindstone week, as I work diligently on the Halloween update (I received a goooooorgeous black star diopside in the mail. I flailed.) But for today? I need to read and cleanse my brain and not really do anything. I slept in 'til noon-- first, I got up to take care of Olive at 9, then snuggled her on the couch until 12. Woke up to find Nox ALSO on top of me. I have a book and chocolate chip cookies, and blueberry cobbler coffee. The back door is open and the weather is fantastic, and I'm just going to relax, because I'm still actually tired and my body is aching. But this week will be better than the last.