Dulcissime

Moving to DW

sihaya09 — Thu, 06 Apr 2017 18:46:32 GMT

Not that I expect I'll post more there than here, but.

I'm sihayadesigns over there.

(Used to be sihaya09. Account was purged for inactivity. Whoops.)

So much work

sihaya09 — Wed, 15 Mar 2017 14:05:18 GMT

I've been burning the candle at both ends for a while. I have a list of personal tasks that need to be done in the next week (return a handwritten letter, clean my costuming, sew up some tiny holes in well-loved clothing, dye my hair), but all of them have to come after work, as AOTB is a week away. I have a calendar that literally has me scheduled, day and night, until it's over on the 27th. That day, I reward myself with a half-day and a long bath.

In the past 2 days, I made 250 candles. Today they get labels and glitter. (Resurrection event candles, Persephone Rising candles for the box, AOTB candles, and 60 prototypes for the summer collection, which might be my favorite collection thus far.)

The rest of the week is custom orders and making more soldered pendants. The weekend is for getting the Spring box out the door, and also doing a nail painting party in my neighborhood that's been on the calendar for a while. (Saturday night, 7:30-10:30, wine & snacks provided, $25. I think there are a couple of spots left if you want in. I'll make your nails pretty with a floral design.)

Next week is show prep-- I have 3 days to make as much stock as I can.

The next few months are going to be very busy, as well. Wholesale orders aside (just delivered a 104-pc order to the mag, have a 60-pc one on deck), I just got word that I'm vending at Ellicott City's Springfest on April 22, which means I finally have to suck it up and buy a tent. $200 for a flame-retardant tent that meets fire code, $125 for the booth fee, $50 for insurance. Then in May, there's Spoutwood. Starting in June, I'll be teaming up with a neighbor of mine who makes bath & body stuff to do a line of lotion, cream, and shower gel for Sihaya & Company.

And I may have agreed to take on a transcriptionist role for a fandom-related thing, for those nights when I can't sleep and need something quiet to do.

Right now, the intense focus on work is giving me what I need to keep on chugging. Unfortunately, it might have the side effect of my freakin' hands falling off.

Wings for The Trevor Project

sihaya09 — Thu, 02 Mar 2017 17:54:15 GMT

For the month of March, I am making wings in the various LGBT flag colors (Rainbow, Bi, Pan, Trans, and Ace), and donating half the proceeds ($23 per pair) to The Trevor Project.

The Trevor Project is a 24/7 national hotline providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) young people ages 13-24.

If you would like a pair, you can purchase here: Sihaya Designs Charity Wings

Donation made.

sihaya09 — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 18:11:05 GMT

The charity candle set raised $145 for Planned Parenthood, in memory of tamnonlinear.

Quick reminder:

sihaya09 — Thu, 09 Feb 2017 18:09:37 GMT

The last day for the pre-sales for the Planned Parenthood Tam Lin trio & the Spring candle pre-order is Sunday! You can order at Sihaya And Company, but if you're local and want to pick up, there is a free shipping code!

Persephone Rising is live!

sihaya09 — Wed, 01 Feb 2017 19:27:37 GMT

The Spring box is ready for purchase! This one has soap, lipstick, art cards, a candle, a perfume, lollipops, and a bath treat. http://www.sihayaandcompany.com/

As a reminder:

- The spring & Tam Lin charity candles are still pre-ordering. http://www.sihayaandcompany.com/collections/sihaya-company-candles

- The Prism Collection subscription is still taking newcomers. http://www.etsy.com/listing/504867389/prism-collection-subscription-three

Things that are not about politics

sihaya09 — Tue, 31 Jan 2017 19:28:22 GMT

Because our country is a goddamn trash fire right now. Authoritarianism, here we come. Now, there is only to wait for our Reichstag Fire moment. In my mind it's not an if, but a when.

I have been trying, feebly, to fight back against the national tragedy unfolding, as well as the aftermath of my own personal ones. Unfortunately, they are fucking with my sleep schedule something awful and plenty of nights I just can't fall asleep. Last Saturday was such a night, and I didn't get to bed until 7am ish.

I decided to sort and catalogue my ridiculous nail polish collection.

And, uh, I've since found about eight more bottles that were scattered around different boxes.

So, a few weeks ago, I ordered a bunch of swatch sticks (clear plastic fake nails on sticks) off of Ebay, and I set about sorting my 260ish polishes by finish, then by color.

I swatched by group. First cremes, then shimmers, etc etc.

I went down the line, which gave each layer of polish the time it needed before the next coat. Most of my creams covered in 2 coats, shimmers 2-3, holos 2-3, glass flecks 2-3, glitters 2-3, etc. Tints were shown at 1, 2, and 3 coats' opacity. For the multichromes, I painted half the tip in black first, since most duochromes really come alive over a black/dark base. Stamping polishes were stamped over a nail painted half white, half black. When they were dry, I put them in order, put them back on the rack, and put the swatch sticks on open & closeable rings (so I can re-order and add when necessary).

Now I have a handy guide to all of my colors. I still have my UberChic mat for testing out layering combinations, and that's helpful, but it's nice to have a sort of index of the colors I have-- both to avoid buying dupes & to talk myself out of some impulse buys.

Aside from that, I have been spending some time with my new whirlpool-jet bathtub. A couple of nights ago, I took a pitch-black bath full of twinkling glitter. It was like bathing in the night sky.

Mim continues her journey into becoming a lap cat. She crawls into my lap several times a day now. She's relishing being Top Cat in the household, and all of the duties that come with it.

Aside from that, not much to report. Big wholesale order to work on this week. At least it'll give me something quiet to do in the middle of the night.

Pre-sale of the Spring Box starts tomorrow. Will post about it when it goes live!

Tam Lin Charity Candles for Pre-order!

sihaya09 — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 16:41:28 GMT

Hey all-- dropping a note to say that the Tam Lin charity trio is live on the site. The full profits of each one of these three candles sold ($5/candle) will be donated to Planned Parenthood in tamnonlinear's memory.

The beautiful artwork is by Joanna Barnum, and you can see more of her work at JoannaBarnum.com.

JANET: The scent of a woman who knows her own mind, and whose courage saved the life of her one true love. Two freshly-plucked roses and worn brown saddle leather.

TAM LIN: The scent of an earthly knight, ensnared by the fae and doomed to a grisly fate. Tart juniper berry, green apple, woodland vines, and cassia spice.

THE FAERY QUEEN: Beauty and power that makes your blood run cold. Night-blooming flowers, a moonlit path, and a dribble of something sinister.

There are also five Spring Collection candles up for pre-order:

Antique Sandalwood & Madagascar Vanilla
Blueberry Muffins & Lemon Sugar
Ginger & Wild Peach
Honeycomb & Satsuma Orange
Lavender & Cream

They can all be found here: Sihaya & Company Candles

Starting to dig myself out.

sihaya09 — Thu, 12 Jan 2017 20:17:59 GMT

It has been a really really rough few months. Grief has taken entire weeks of my life, and this week has been the first where I’ve felt even remotely capable of getting work done. So, I’m trying to use that momentum.

In the past few years, I’ve done an earring club for Sihaya Designs. This year, I decided to change it up a little bit and offer a monthly subscription to my Prism Collection.

You can get either a yearly subscription or a three-month subscription. It’s like giving yourself a gift every month. As a bonus, if you order the yearly subscription, your January package is FREE.

Here are the 2017 themes:

January (yearly subscription only): A total surprise!
February: Soft Petals
March: Woodland Awakening
April: Opalescence
May: Butterfly Wings
June: The Mermaid’s Treasure
July: The Locket
August: Across the Galaxy
September: Rustic Leaves
October: This Is Halloween
November: Like Clockwork
December: On A Winter’s Night

________________________

As for Sihaya & Company, I’ve begun to line up vendors for the Spring box, and pre-orders will begin Feb 1st. I’m pretty excited about what we have onboard so far, and am working on rounding out the lineup.

Here’s the theme:

I’m also getting together the Spring lineup of my trademark glittery candles. I will be bringing back last Spring’s popular scents– Ginger & Wild Peach, Lavender & Cream, and Antique Sandalwood & Madagascar Vanilla.

In addition, I’ll be offering the Sisterhood of the Moon candle again as part of my general catalog. A trio of candles for charity (in this case, Planned Parenthood) based on the Scottish ballad of Tam Lin will also make an appearance. The money will be donated in tamnonlinear’s name. But more on that later– I’m working on finalizing the formulas for those.

Also, in March, the bellydance candles (Zaghareet, Taqsim, and Shimmy) will be making a return, with a possibly fourth scent added in just in time for Art of the Belly.

That’s the news that’s fit to print. I’ll be back with more closer to the pre-order.

Rest in peace, fuzzy best friend.

sihaya09 — Sat, 31 Dec 2016 03:56:08 GMT

How can I put into words what Nox meant to me?

Nox became a part of our family in late summer, 2009. In a way, he picked us. On the way out of the cat cages at BARCS, something swiped my jeans. I looked down and saw nothing. But then when I got to my knees, I saw him: pitch black, skinny as a whip. Giant radar dish ears and a shaved tail. I held him and fell in love instantly.

Nox on his first day home.

He was very sick the first week. He had a terrible respiratory infection, and I spent two nights sleeping with him on the floor of my office so that he wouldn't be sick and alone. He slept on my pillow. He knew he was safe. I fed him nutritional goop off my fingers until the meds kicked in and he could eat on his own.

We were best buds pretty instantly.

He was, however, NOT instantly best buds with Olive, who didn't quite know what to make of this gangly kitten. They were always sort of strange around each other. I think it was that Olive wanted to be Alpha Cat, but as her legs failed her, that became more or less impossible. He wanted to be her friend, but also hated her constantly hissing at him. Most of the time, they just steered clear of each other, but occasionally, he'd sneak in a kiss. Probably to pay her back from the time she did this:

He did not submit easily.

One day, a skinny little underfed runt showed up at our back door, and we adopted her, too. They got on like a house on fire. They bonded pretty immediately, and with lots of smooching.

Mim & Nox didn't stay that close, but they always played together. Usually she'd goad him into a chase, and they'd spend ten minutes furiously rushing around the place, crashing into every wall and door they ran by. On his last day, Mim tried to get him to play-- she knew something was wrong, but she loved her buddy.

Still, the three of them were a pack. We got very lucky with them.

Nox's favorite things in the whole wide world were kisses. He'd rub his cheeks all over my face any chance he got, and I'd kiss his head in response. Every day, I got so, so many kisses. He'd run up to the door when Jason got home and give him kisses. Any time either of us sat on the floor, kisses. Breakfast time? Kisses. Dinner time? Kisses. The first time I fed the girls after he passed, I was in tears the whole time. I kept expecting him to run up to me, put his paws on my knees, and kiss my face. I felt so alone.

Here's a video of some of Nox's kisses.

One of our sacred rituals was couch snuggling time.

It got to be a regular thing-- three or four times a week, when Jason would leave for work, I'd move out to the couch and grab his favorite blanket. He'd cuddle up into the curve of my belly and purr his deep bass purr. We'd nap together until I had to get up for work. I'm pretty sure I missed days of productivity because I didn't want to get up. Those mornings were so, so precious to me. I was acutely aware of how blessed I was to have him in my life, and I cherished every morning we spent together.

He had this little mannerism-- if he was the little spoon, and he was sharing my pillow (which he loved to do), he'd periodically crane his head back and glance at me out of the side of his eye. This was my cue to kiss him on the top of his head and tell him I loved him. After about three or four kisses, he'd relax and fall asleep.

He knew what "I love you," meant. Maybe it was repetition-- I told him every day that he was the most beautiful cat I'd ever seen, and that I loved him to the moon and back. And when I told him I loved him, he'd slow blink back at me. He knew.

The thing about Nox is that he cared so much about us. He chatted with us all day. He hated when we were behind a closed door and he couldn't see us. When one of us was sick, he watched over us. The night before my wedding I was so sick, and he curled up on me on the couch, smothering me in kisses.

And if Jason and I were spooning on the couch, it was jackpot for him. He'd climb up on us and stretch out so his body laid in the little ridge between our bodies. The three of us spent many nights curled up together.

Nox was a gentle giant who LOVED to play. And you could do practically ANYTHING to that cat, and he just did not care. He trusted us implicitly. Whether it was us attacking him with our "claws" or raspberries on his tummy, he just went with it, because he knew it was playing. He'd grab my hand with his two gigantic paws and bite down-- almost never with any real pressure. And then he'd immediately lick my hand. On the rare occasions he did put some force into it, all we had to do was fake-whimper and immediately he'd let go and lick to kiss it better.

God, he put up with so many of our shenanigans. He knew we would never hurt him on purpose.

He loved his little fuzzy mice toys, and would play fetch with them. He'd bring them up and drop them at our feet, then walk his paws up our knees until he knew we saw him. And we'd play. Sometimes he'd leave "Mousy" where we could find it, because he knew we'd find him and throw it. Here was a memorable time:

And then sometimes he'd do this weird thing where he'd throw Mousy in the air and let it land, and then he'd go over and just put one back foot on it. It was hilarious, and he did it for years.

Here's Nox with Mousy last month.

Nox felt like silk. So many times, vets expressed surprise and told us how much his fur felt like a rabbit's. For his younger life, it was pitch black and so shiny. Once he was put on prednisone, it began to rust, and became a deep, rich brown that looked red in some lights. He looked like a gleaming ember when he napped in sunlight.

He loved Christmastime. Even when we only had a little 4' tree, he'd squeeze himself underneath it for naps. He loved the lights. It's fitting that his last night was next to the tree, curled up with us under those same lights.

He did not, however, appreciate the time we tried to put him in a Santa costume.

Nox was my studio cat. So many times I got up to make tea, and then came back to him sprawled out across my desk. He routinely slept through hours of hammering. A few days before he passed, he was curled up next to me while I worked.

And if it was a particularly sunny day, he'd yell at me until I put my work down. He demanded sunlight cuddles at my desk. So I'd pick him up, flip him over, and rub his tummy as he dozed. Few things made him happier than having his tummy rubbed in the sunshine. In those moments, he was perfectly happy.

Nox also liked to herd me to bed if I was up working too late. Snuggling on the couch was one thing, but if Jason had already gone to bed, but I was still in the office, it wouldn't be too long until he let me know it was bedtime. And he definitely knew the word "bedtime." His ears would perk up and he'd run into the bedroom and settle himself down. He knew "bedtime" meant "snuggles."

Even when he got sick, he remained the sweetest, most trusting companion. He took his pills so easily. He comforted me after the thick, impenetrable fog of sadness settled on me in the wake of his diagnosis. The cancer exacerbated his already-picky appetite, and we developed a daily routine: he would not eat unless I was sitting next to him.

Depending on how he was feeling, breakfast or dinner could take ten minutes or an hour. And I'm not going to lie and say it was always easy. It was super frustrating some nights, chasing him around with his plate, or hand-feeding him to get the calories into him. But he never seemed to hold it against us. For my part, I was so grateful for the rare mornings when he woke me up at 5am because he was actually hungry that I wept.

I calculated it once-- if we stacked all of our feeding time (just mine and his, not Jason's and his) back to back, I sat on the floor with him for over a month of my life. Every minute, however frustrating, was absolutely worth it.

There were weeks where all he would eat was turkey, either from Boston Market or the deli. That earned him the nickname "turkey toes," one of the constellation of nicknames he answered to. (Rooster. Buddy-roo. Dooster-roo. Rooster Sauce. Sauce Boss. Nox-Fox. Nox-Fox-Bigox. Noxman. Buddy Boo. Boo Bear. House Panther. Pantherman. So many.) And then, like a spell had broken, he'd snap out of it and go back to eating regular food.

One of his funnier habits was that he was fastidious to the max-- to the point where he could not abide food dishes being left out after mealtime. So many times, we went to collect the bowls only to find that Nox had attempted to bury them.

He was so sensitive to stinky smells that on one memorable occasion, he tried to cover up one of my farts. The memory never fails to make me laugh.

Nox loved to watch Animal Planet. There was this one show that followed a litter of kittens that he loved. He was absolutely transfixed by the kittens on the screen. I am so sad that we never got to see what his kittens would have looked like.

Nox knew how to say 'hello.' It sounds nuts, but he did. I told some guests that once, and they looked at me like I was nuts. When I went to the bathroom, he followed me, sitting outside the door. "HELLOOOOOOOOOOO? HELLOOOOOOOOOOO???" he whined.

"Your cat just said hello!" "Yeah. Told you so."

Nox was always fascinated by the shower, and on more than one occasion, liked to sit between the shower curtains while I showered. And then there's that one time he got tangled in my bra while I was in the shower...

His other great love was toilet paper. We could not leave toilet paper rolls anywhere he could get to them, because he loved biting into them and shredding them. Once we forgot that we left a brand-new 8 pack on the counter before heading out to grab food. We came back to what looked like a winter wonderland.

And the zucchini. For some reason, he loved to bite zucchini. We had to watch vegetables, lest they be covered in kitty vampire fang marks.

In a lot of ways, the last month of his life was one of his best. The time we spent in Virginia was great for him. Bob had windows everywhere, and he had a fantastic view of squirrels, ducks, and a big pond. He loved looking out those windows and was so excited that he often yelled at us to come join him next to the window. I am so grateful for that time.

I'm running out of things to say now. I'm sure I'll remember other things and edit them in.

Mostly, I just... well, he was special. That once, maybe twice in a lifetime cat who just steals your heart entirely. He was meant to be with us. And we were meant to love him. My days were full of kisses and love because he was with us.

In my grief, I at least have the assurance that we did everything we could to give him the best life possible. We did right by him, right up until his last moments. The grief is thankfully untinged by guilt.

But I miss him so, so much. My days are so quiet. There are so many holes in my life. I miss his scent, the feel of his unbelievably soft fur, the sound of his voice, the sweetness of his kisses on my cheeks. He was the most regal, beautiful creature I've ever beheld, and he loved me so much. He was my heart. He was my fuzzy bestie, the feline love of my life. I kissed him every morning, every night, and about a dozen times in between. I will always miss him by my side. Seven years will never be enough. Not for a soulmate kitty like he was.

Rest in peace, Noxman. I love you, and I hope I get to see you again. Either on the other side of the bridge, or if you find us again. I don't know how it works, but I do know that an eternity without your kisses is unthinkable.

You made me so very happy. I was so proud to be your momma. I will never forget you, fuzzy son.

So many people have been reaching out with condolences. Thank you for them. But please know that I am really, very overwhelmed and deep in my grief right now. Every text or email or card starts the waterworks again, and I need to give myself permission to not engage for a while. I hope you understand.

Goodbye, Nox.

sihaya09 — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 18:19:08 GMT

At 12:40pm, Nox passed very peacefully at home, surrounded by his family. We had the great fortune to find a vet who does in-home visits on Christmas, and she gently aided us in getting through the process. He was warm, pillowed by our arms, and he went easily and with many kisses.

After Friday's visit to the vet, Nox declined rather quickly. By yesterday evening, his breathing was shallow and he'd begun having problems walking. We knew it was time, and he was ready. We called the vet, put an air mattress by the Christmas tree, and he spent his last night comfortably resting with us in the glow of soft lights, which he loved.

Today, we kissed him and told him how much joy he brought us, and how he was the most beautiful cat we've ever laid eyes on. I loved him since the first moment I saw him.

I will probably post tomorrow or the day after-- a list of things I loved about him that I do not want to forget. It will doubtless be a very long list. He was my little fuzzy son, that once-in-a-lifetime special cat who just becomes part of you. My days will be very quiet now.

A reminder.

sihaya09 — Sat, 12 Nov 2016 02:38:56 GMT

This can be really, really hard for me, but I do it anyway, because it's important. (Like seriously. It can be awkward for me to even say it to family members.)

Tell people that you love them. You never know when it might be too late. I am fortunate enough that I at least have some peace of mind in this regard concerning Abby, but still.

Tell people you love them. Get in the habit. Fight past the discomfort and the vulnerability. Tell people you love them. It's important.

I loved her, thorns and all.

sihaya09 — Thu, 10 Nov 2016 23:36:14 GMT

I have always processed difficult things in writing. I know that makes a lot of people very uncomfortable. If you think that you would feel uncomfortable reading this entry, please, for my sake, skip it. It is not for you.

I am a writer, but when I'm handling my own emotions, not always the most eloquent. So what follows is just sort of a portrait of where I am emotionally right at this very moment. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, or in a week, or a month. It's also predominantly focused on me, and how I am coping with my complicated, messy, and sometimes selfish feelings around the death of someone I deeply loved. A memorial, a post for her, may come later, when I've had more distance and time to choose my words carefully.

Comments on this post will remain private/screened. Also, major trigger warning for the topic of suicide.

___________________

If you are not already aware, tamnonlinear passed away in the early hours of yesterday morning. She had been facing a number of challenges-- personal, heath-related, financial-- and it seems the results of the election were the final straw. She'd decided it was time to let go.

Abby was one of my best friends in this life for over a decade, and I loved her. She was a regular fixture at my house for movies and dinner. She convinced me to go to my first bellydance class, and we attended class together for about a year before she stopped dancing herself. She came to many of my performances as I continued on. She danced with me at my wedding. She took me on a long walk through her woods. She baked me several batches of her legendary brownies. She helped me move house. She took care of my cats when I was away, soothing my anxiety with many texts and pictures every day I was gone. She shared her fandom loves with me, many of which then became my fandom loves, as well. She giggled all the way through our trips to haunted houses near Halloween. She introduced me to Longwood Gardens and treated me to one of the most magical experiences I've ever had there, or anywhere else. When Nox was diagnosed with cancer, she held me as I sobbed, wracked with anxiety and grief. When he needed an emergency visit to the vet following biopsy complications, she showed up, held my hand, and quietly paid the bill, knowing that I had just spent 2k on his care and was financially strapped. She spent her last Christmas Eve with me and my husband, baking cookies and watching holiday movies. She was a stalwart source of comfort and companionship.

She was in my heart. I loved her like family. Hell, I loved her more than a lot of my family. I thought of her as a spiritual sister.

More broadly, Abby was someone who did what good she could whenever she could. She would boost signals whenever there was someone in need. She saved countless animals. She used her body as a shield at abortion clinics, protecting vulnerable women from unfathomable hatred and abuse. She was, down to her very core, a good person who believed firmly in right and wrong, and I am proud to have loved her.

As time progressed, she more and more took on the social niceties of a feral cat. And I say that in an affectionate way-- lord knows, she'd know exactly what I mean, and would probably agree. She was as generous as she was misanthropic. She was also one of the most stubborn people I have ever met. When she dug her heels in, they stayed planted. That was a quality that was often preservational for her, but could also be profoundly harmful. A true double-edged sword.

She was someone whose sharp edges cut. She built a hedge of thorns around her as protection, and sometimes even those she loved got stuck in them. In the end, much to my eternal regret, I was one of those people. But I loved her, thorns and all. I never stopped.

___________________

My grief over Abby's death is hitting me in waves. Sometimes, I'm comfortably numb. Others, crying so hard I cannot speak without hyperventilating. Still others, weeping quietly while I try to eat, or write an email, or respond to texts. My breath is always ragged, always gasping. My chest feels like it has a physical weight upon it.

The details of what follows was strongly filtered in the last two months.

For the last seven weeks or so of her life, Abby and I had not been friends. She ended our friendship suddenly and unilaterally, for reasons that I still do not fully understand. Her stated view of what transpired in the last year or so of our friendship is not at all my experience of what happened, and I was completely unaware that she had any concerns at all regarding our friendship until she informed me of her decision to end it. She said a lot of things that were hurtful and confusing to me, and I tried to keep telling myself that depression played a large part in them, because I knew (and still do) that they were not true.

In a lot of ways, I was devastated and grieving long before I received notice of her death, with all of the extra mixed anger and sadness of a sour parting mixed in. But I was doing my best to respect her stated boundaries. I removed her from my social networks because seeing her postings made me break down with grief at how much I missed her.

The last thing I told her-- both on her voicemail and in writing-- was that I loved her. I will need to cling to that in the months to come.

I think, now, I understand a little bit more about the whys of our friendship crumbling beneath my feet-- it is clearer to me now that she had likely been thinking about ending her life for long enough to be actively planning it as a distinct possibility. It explains why she returned a bunch of my belongings to me under false pretenses on the evening of our last dinner together. It explains the carefully considered way she presented her final messages to the world.

Still, I had believed her when she said that she would not harm herself while she had her cats to take care of, and that she wanted to re-evaluate our friendship after a few months' distance. I think, however, that the election changed all of that, and was the final straw atop her other troubles. I cannot judge her for that. I don't like her decision, but I understand it, given the challenges she was facing. Even though it devastates me, I understand it.

And I think I always have known that her life would end on her own terms-- she was far too stubborn to have it any other way. It was just who she was. I just thought we would have had more time together.

So here I am, broken. Absolutely shattered that we will not have the opportunity to put our friendship back together. Dumbstruck at all of the Abby-shaped holes in my life that I will continue to uncover for years to come. "We do not always get to recover," she said. It's as true for those of us who loved her as it was for her.

I cannot get the thought out of my head that she died believing that I did not love her the way she needed me to love her. My rational brain knows that depression lies, and she was firmly, inexorably within its grasp. Her depression certainly lied to her. Because of that depression, she'd constructed-- and clung to-- a narrative that felt false and alien to me regarding our friendship. Had she expressed her worries and fears to me, I would have told her-- as I did, in my final email, once I was made aware of them-- that I loved her and would support her in any way she needed me to that was in my ability.

But she didn't ultimately want my perspective, and dismissed it wholesale when I gave it to her. I learned that each way I reached out to her in the months preceding her passing-- whether was an invitation to an event, or a request for her near-encyclopedic gardening expertise, and so on-- had been twisted to fit her narrative through the assignation of incorrect motives and summarily rejected. My final, tearful voicemail to her was met with more of the same. Nothing I said or did was taken for what it was-- a genuine and honest expression of care and concern. It was, frankly, heart-wrenching and completely incomprehensible to me in light of our long and deep friendship. But of course, it wasn't really about me, in the end.

Maybe it was easier for her, in a way, to tell herself those stories. Maybe they made it easier for her to let go. I don't know. I'll never know. I'll only ever have this aching hole inside of me, and a never-ending sadness about the way our friendship ended. I wasn't even on the list of people she wanted notified of her death. This woman that I loved so profoundly had cut me out like a cancer, and I will never really know why. That's a kind of pain so immense that it's been utterly debilitating.

I keep telling myself that she loved me. She told me many times that she loved me. She showed me she loved me. Ultimately, who she was at the end was more sickness than the Abby I knew. My Abby loved me.

Still, the pervasive sense of guilt is strangling me, filling my throat with a sickly thickness that makes it hard to breathe and swallow. There is nothing I could have done, not without trespassing her boundaries and making her even more upset with me. It would have been utterly counterproductive and almost certainly futile. She was legendarily stubborn, and I had, after all, seen this pattern of behavior in her before with regards to others she'd cut out unilaterally (and, I thought, quite unfairly). But she died upset with me anyway, so maybe I should have kept pushing. But I didn't put the pieces together quickly enough. Didn't recognize that the danger was as dire as it was. The signs I watched for never happened, and I was caught as unprepared as everyone else.

This line of thinking is not helpful. I know it's not helpful. I can't help myself.

I keep telling myself that if there is an afterlife, which she didn't believe in, but maybe, if there is-- maybe we will see each other again. It's nonsense, I'm pretty sure, but it's comforting nonetheless. Because the other option is that she died upset with me, and there was nothing I could do about it, and that's all I'll ever get.

I always thought that she would come around. That in a few months, she'd be ready to talk, and we would fix things. Because we loved one another. I was angry with her, but eager to let go of it and have her back in my life. I was trying to be patient, to wait her out. To hold out hope.

My chest hurts. My head aches. My throat is dry and my eyes wet. I feel like I'm in a nightmare and can't wake myself up.

I am grasping for closure. I am trying to find it by helping her tie up her loose ends. I have been boosting the signal about re-homing her cats. I am putting together a proposal to take over her website and tumblr in the manner she would want them preserved. After all, the thing that prompted our friendship was my teenaged self writing her an email about my admiration of her website, a long, long time ago. (Long story short, I would like to create a team of folklorists and those that love the ballad to continue the site in her memory. I would be happy to oversee the administration of the site and coordinate a team of people to generate content. I do not know if my proposal will be the one ultimately chosen by her family, but I am submitting it for consideration.) I am trying to do the things that would have made the Abby who loved me proud of me. I am trying to honor her memory.

I feel like I'm standing outside, on the outskirts of the death of a woman I loved, scared that I am imposing because she was upset with me when she died. I am constantly second-guessing whether she would have wanted me involved in any memorial or tribute.

Remember it was the sickness. Remember how much she loved you, I tell myself.

This has been my mantra. Sometimes, it's enough. Sometimes, it isn't. Part of me suspects it's bullshit wishful thinking. Part of me knows that it's true. I don't know which will win out in the end.

Abby, I loved you so much. I still love you. I hope, wherever you are, that you have found peace. I am glad your suffering has ended. I hope very much that I will get to tell you I love you again one day.

Urgent help needed for cats in Damascus, MD

sihaya09 — Thu, 10 Nov 2016 02:34:36 GMT

This morning, tamnonlinear passed away. She left behind six cats in the Damascus, MD area. They need to be rehomed.

I wish I could take one, but two of my three cats are currently amidst health crises and I cannot in good conscience do that at this time.

For more information on the cats, please see her final tumblr entry. http://tam-nonlinear.tumblr.com/post/152974427302/please-help-my-cats-as-my-previous-post

UPDATE: Jessie and Mia have been placed with a friend in KY. Kala and Caliel are being placed with a family friend in PA. Jaimie and Jasper are still awaiting homes, but I have heard secondhand that Abby's family has solid leads on placing them as well.

Numb.

sihaya09 — Wed, 09 Nov 2016 16:56:07 GMT

I just found out that tamnonlinear passed away last night.

She was, for over ten years, one of my closest friends.

I don't even know what to say. I am overwhelmed with grief.

Winter candles now available for pre-order!

sihaya09 — Fri, 04 Nov 2016 16:01:47 GMT

EVERWINTER WOODS: The scent of the mountains, shrouded in ice. A forest of evergreen and spruce, chilling ozone top notes of whipping winds, and a hint of shivering eucalyptus.

GINGERBREAD STRUDEL: Crispy, flaky dough piped with spicy gingerbread filling, and then topped with a dusting of cinnamon sugar! Delicious.

PEPPERMINT HOT CHOCOLATE: A favorite of carolers, snugglers, and even Santa himself! Rich dark hot chocolate stirred with a candy cane!

SOLSTICE: Comfort and joy on the year's longest night-- you are safe and warm with a cozy blanket and your favorite book as the snow softly falls outside and the stars twinkle above. Honeyed figs, tart bayberry, and a steaming mug of Earl Grey tea.

THE CATHEDRAL OF WINTER: The rituals of the old and the new combine in the unparalleled sanctuary of nature. Rich amber swirled with frankincense and myrrh upon on a bed of soft balsam.

THE MEMORY OF SNOW: Upon waking, you find the world outside your window blanketed in a pillowy whiteness-- pristine, untouched, and evoking a timeless sense of wonder. Silky almond cream, delicate spun sugar, a dash of nutmeg, and the memory of snow.

WINTER CABIN: A cozy retreat far away from the hustle and bustle of town. A rustic log cabin encircled by fir and birch trees, polished woods, and a faint whiff of spiced cider simmering over the hearth.

YULETIDE: A classic home for the holidays scent. Pine boughs strung with orange clove pomanders and cranberries, and then merrily wound throughout the home!

For those of you who have already placed an order for a Winter Box (8 left, BTW!) but would like candles as well, I am combining orders. The quick way to do it is to use the code WINTERCOMBO16 at the checkout for your candle order-- it will zero out shipping so you don't pay twice. (Any orders using this code that do not have a prior Winter Box order in the queue will be canceled and refunded. The Winter Box has flat rate shipping, which is why I am able to offer this service.)

Also, if I know you IRL and want to pick them up from me, the code is, as ever, PICKUP.

Anyhow, get your hands on pretty-smelling, glittery, perfect-for-gifting candles here:

SihayaAndCompany.com

The Sihaya & Co Winter Box: Everwinter Woods

sihaya09 — Thu, 20 Oct 2016 17:31:01 GMT

It's live for pre-orders. Candles to follow-- have to sort out the living situation first. But if you purchase a box and then purchase candles, I will be combining orders and refunding shipping overages.

The theme is Everwinter Woods: picture a vast, sprawling forest of pine, snow-capped and gently swaying in the breeze. A crystalline forest cathedral, full of frozen branches, stags and hares, and ancient magic.

The box is available in two formats: the first is the full sized box, featuring 8 full and demi-sized products for $65. The second is the Winter Gifting Box, which is bath and body focused, and features 4 items for $27.

The full sized box is limited to 40 boxes (it's been live less than 24 hours and already half of them are gone, so I expect it to sell out), and the gifting box is unlimited.

Available here:
www.SihayaAndCompany.com

Back to basics

sihaya09 — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 22:10:22 GMT

It's no shock that LJ is well past its prime. It's become pretty much a ghost town around here.

Still, a lot of folks are still toughing it out. I still post sporadically, albeit mostly under friendslock these days.

I'm about to go through my friendslist and do a major weeding of people who haven't posted in a year or more. It will make my own friendslist management much easier.

If I cut you by mistake and you are still lurking, please let me know!

Because 2016 doesn't suck enough already.

sihaya09 — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 21:37:18 GMT

My friend kita0610 has had an unexpected death in her immediate family. As she is currently undergoing cancer treatment, funds are low. Ergo, there is crowdfunding afoot to get her and her husband to the funeral.

It is here: https://www.gofundme.com/2sjhhnw

Please consider donating if you can.

Sisterhood of the Moon & Hocus Pocus tees!

sihaya09 — Thu, 29 Sep 2016 16:47:14 GMT

Hey everybody! I had several requests for a second run of the Sisterhood of the Moon tees, and I added a second limited-edition tee, Hocus Pocus.

These are only available for a week so that they can be printed and received in time for Halloween in the US!

SISTERHOOD OF THE MOON: I slightly lightened the moon background to allow for greater contrast with the raven/crow, but otherwise the design is unchanged.
AVAILABLE AS: womens’ tee, unisex hoodie, raglan tee, coffee mug.
BUY HERE: http://teespring.com/new-sisterhood-of-the-moon

HOCUS POCUS: Colored design.
AVAILABLE AS: womens’ tee, womens v-neck tee, unisex tee, unisex hoodie, raglan tee.
BUY HERE: http://teespring.com/get-hocus-pocus

Sihaya & Company Autumn Box: Sisterhood of the Moon!

sihaya09 — Thu, 11 Aug 2016 00:06:25 GMT

Popping in very quickly to say that last week, the Sihaya & Company Autumn Box began to pre-sale, along with seven Autumn/Halloween candles. The Autumn Box features a lot of really awesome stuff, including enamel pins, tea and special sugars, a black soap inspired by Practical Magic, and possibly one of the witchiest perfumes ever.

As far as candles go, best-sellers from last year are returning, including Autumnvale Cafe, Equinox, Persephone Descending, Samhain Dusk, and Hocus Pocus. New candles this year are Autumnvale Harvest Festival and Apophenia.

You can get all of that here: Sihaya & Company Candles. Candles can be added in to a box.

I also had a few requests for the artwork in wearable form, so you can purchase that through TeeSpring in either tee, tank, or tote bag form. TeeSpring goodies will ship separately from box stuff for this round, but I may be able to change that in the future.

That's all that's fit to print for the time being, as I am catching up on custom orders and embarking on a giant wholesale order. I'm mostly trying to stay busy and not freak out about Ellicott City house stuff, because there's literally nothing I can do about that right now. It's all in the bank's hands.

Sale shipping update / Flooded house update

sihaya09 — Mon, 01 Aug 2016 17:08:40 GMT

IF YOU PURCHASED FROM MY SALE, PLEASE READ THIS:

TL;DR: my shipping is running 2-3 days behind schedule as we continue to deal with the fallout from the Ellicott City flooding disaster. Our house was, as expected, affected by the floodwaters.

For more information, please visit the Sihaya Designs facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/SihayaDesigns

We saw our house.

By way of more information, the basement took on 7 feet of water. The backyard is TOAST. We no longer have koi. God bless the lovely, now-demolished fence that saved the deck from a six foot thick tree trunk.

We don't know what's going to happen with the sale. There's a lot of info that needs to come in. I am still committed to buying if it's financially feasible, but Jason is pretty shaken up. I expect he'll be slow to make any decisions, although I've made my own thoughts clear. We'll see.

We did go to get eyes on the house yesterday to meet our new potential neighbors and bring them cold beer and cookies, much appreciated after a long slog day. Hearteningly, they were all totally not panicking. They were working together to clean up, and due to the way our unit was built, no flood, even this one, ever touched the first floor of any of the homes. It was all very "yeah, this happens sometimes, although this is by far the worst." Everybody was very calm, and had a "let's get this done" mindset. Which is one I admire and share. They told us about past floods that had affected the houses up the hill, the most recent of which was Irene in '11, in which the basements took on some water but, well, they had time to prepare and it wasn't the so-called "storm of the millenium" that happened Saturday night for which there was absolutely no warning.

This week, the bank is going to assess repairs, and we have early signs that they will be paying for them. Which is good, because honestly, if they didn't, that'd be game over and they'd have to start all over again with folks who are NOT as invested as we have been. After repairs, we will have to do a second round of inspections.

So. My heart is still in Ellicott City. I share the non-panicked realism of the locals. I want to move there and help people rebuild. I might not get that chance if Jason objects and decides he does not want to deal with the reality of living on a flood plain. IDK what happens then, in a lot of different ways. I guess we'll see.

Side note: please do not tell me what you would or would not do in my situation. It is not as helpful as it is intended to be. It only stresses me out and makes me testy. We're the ones with eyes on the situation, and will be making our decisions once we have gathered all of the relevant data. Thanks from the management.

Devastation.

sihaya09 — Sun, 31 Jul 2016 17:59:46 GMT

So. Ellicott City. The town we are (were? not sure yet) buying in. It's basically gone now.

Ellicott City Gets Rainfall Expected Only Once Every Few Hundred Years

This video was taken by the husband of the woman who owns Still Life Gallery, who was to carry my work. http://www.facebook.com/sara.arditti/posts/10154333435401753

A massive storm & resulting flood took out most of main street. These photos are 1/4 mile down from the house we're buying. It's utterly horrifying. All of the places we love are gone. One person has died, two more are missing. The photos of the wreckage look like a movie set, not a place I have spent so much time.

We won't really know the status of our home until mid-week. We might be able to get eyes on it before then, but obviously, there needs to be structural checks done. I keep telling myself that it was built in the 1800's and has a solid rock foundation. It survived Agnes and can survive this. But I've only been able to see pics from a few blocks up from us (totally fine) and a few blocks down (cars piled up on top of each other). So it's really anyone's guess.

Jason and I are just... kind of in shock. The rental company we're currently with has already started to show our unit pending our moving out at the end of August. If we can't buy this house, I don't know what happens next.

Going back and forth between numbness and crying jags. The cynical part of my brain says, "well, at least this is where rich, Republican-voting people live, so Hogan will be more motivated to care." He's already declared it a disaster area, and has requested FEMA assistance. Rebuilding will be slow, and many of those buildings may have to be torn down.

I really need 2016 to knock it the fuck off.

Update at Sihaya Designs!

sihaya09 — Fri, 29 Jul 2016 15:58:29 GMT

Last night I posted 45+ new items, and they're all included in the sale until Sunday night!

SihayaDesigns.com

When it rains, it pours.

sihaya09 — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 18:04:26 GMT

Right now, my life is a bouquet of stress. Many different varieties of stress.

1. My little brother got married this weekend. It was a pretty good trip, despite the long, long, long hours in the car, and the fact that there is nothing my digestive tract hates more than traveling. Doubly so now that I've been on a relatively low-carb diet for two months. All of the rich/carb-y food of traveling/the reception have been wreaking havoc on my stomach. Not to mention, it cost us $500 to travel to the wedding. I was glad I went, but we are buying a house right now, and that's $500 I didn't really have.

2. Did I mention homebuying is expensive? Jesus christ. And the paperwork. The paperwork has given Jason a whole swath of new grey hair. We are going through a CDA loan because it gives us an extra $5,000 towards closing costs. Unfortunately, CDAs are bonkers. We have had to file paperwork to certify that money transfers from one spouse to another do not constitute "gifts," but rather "here's my half of rent/BGE/Verizon/etc." They are going over all of our finances with the finest of fine tooth combs.

3. Our being away apparently threw the cats into tailspin. Nox puked everywhere. Olive poo-sploded the second we got in the door (which was not later than her usual bathroom time). Mim developed an acute UTI, and we have a vet appt for her at 4:30. She's currently unhappily chilling out in a crate with a tiny little litterbox, and peeing tiny dimes of pee every five minutes. I caught it relatively quickly-- the behavior started about two hours ago-- but still. More money. At this point, I am resolved to never again leave the house, because inevitably, one of the cats requires a vet visit within 48 hours of my return.

4. It's a good thing I had a sale pre-set to go and began advertising it last week. So far, it's been modest, but assuming I can actually get some work done this week amid a stream of constant interruptions (not even exaggerating a little), I will be putting up 40+ new pieces and that should be nice money if some of them sell.

20% off of everything at Sihaya Designs, and 20% of all candles at Sihaya And Company. Yes, there are deals for combined shipping if you want candles AND jewelry. Yes, there are deals for combined shipping if you want earrings tonight and a pendant on Friday. Details are here.

5. I also had to unexpectedly buy a new computer battery & charger, because mine straight-up died last week. JFC, I feel cursed.

6. In the realm of cool-ish news, last week, I was dealing with the kind of insomnia that left me greeting the sunrise. So instead, I channeled it into a project: The Black Tapes Mysteries Resource. It was really neat when The Black Tapes tweeted it out to their followers. I've gotten a fair readership in a relatively short time.

I think that's all that's fit to print. I desperately need a shower, so I'mma go do that before I lose my ever loving mind. Or cry. Crying is becoming more and more of an option.