Headspace update.
Things are good. I'll say that. My dramas of late have been relatively minor and easily solved. I could get used to this. In fact, I've been in an obnoxiously good mood of late.
I think a lot of this has been that I'm doing a lot of things that are personally fulfilling, and following my muse a bit more than I had in the past few years. I'd been under the impression that my primary form of artistic expression was writing (and sometimes singing), to the point where I'd been kind of blind to other artistic yearnings. Now, my interests have almost turned 180 degrees-- not that I don't still love to write or sing, it's just that my day-to-day focus has shifted to other challenges. Dancing, jewelrymaking-- the first I thought I'd never do, the second, long forgotten. Both bring me so much joy, so much clarity. One allows me to find my place in a larger community, the other is much more introspective and also has rekindled my interest in attuning to the Divine.
Things with Sky continue to go really well. Part of his training and therapy includes gaining integrity with those around him, and it's a process that I see him working on with other people, as well. He's been repairing lapsed and sometimes acrimonious friendships. He's been taking it slow, cautious of boundaries as he tries to build a friendship with people who are wary and occasionally openly hostile to him. That's something that takes a good bit of patience and humility, and I think is also deserving of respect. It's good to see the work he's doing in practice-- on Wednesdays, he comes home and tells me about how the latest session went, what he learned about himself, and what he intends to work on. And he does.
As it pertains to our relationship, he's been making a real effort to get to know my friends and learn about the things that are important to me. And it's little things, too-- it made me so happy to overhear him corrctly explaining the differences between tribal and cabaret style dancing, for instance-- it shows that he's been really listening. Part of that is the building integrity thing. My plan is to keep introducing him to the people that I like, and so far, the majority of the people he's met have been warm and inclusive. Most are fairly good judges of character, and seeing warmth (and in some cases, forgiveness) makes me very happy. At any rate, he's been very open in our rebuilt relationship, willing and able to talk through minor hiccups that would have once upon a time turned into huge shouting matches / cold spells. I think we've had one major argument since getting back together, and when I said, "okay-- I'm reaching my limit, and I need to be left alone right now," he gave me space, and we were able to talk it out once I'd thought on it enough to be able to verbalize the bottom line of exactly what it was that was angering me. NVC was a really good idea for us.
I learned that one thing that I have a tendency to do is to clam up and stonewall when I'm irritated, without voicing my irritation. You know, the "I'm angry with you, but I'm not gonna say I'm angry or clear the air with you, because goddamnit, you should just know why you're wrong." You know, that trap that ruins relationships and friendships alike, and is frankly just stupid. Because of course you're gonna be unhappy if you don't discuss the white elephant in the room, you know? If you don't give voice to your issue, the other person may never know. It's not their job to wheedle it out of you, and that's one of the hardest lessons that I learned. You want resolution? Bring it up. Talk about it. Stop pre-judging and listen. There are no black-and-whites, no absolutes, and the silent treatment is exactly what allows unfounded assumptions and resentment to grow. And sometimes it's easier to stay in the comfortable space of "I'm right" / "I'm the wronged party, why should I bring it up?", but in the long run, that's just dysfunctional and often a cover-up for a deeper Shadow.
From a second-hand perspective, my new familiarity with ShadowWork has made me much more conscious of my own Shadows-- especially my feelings of unworthiness (or, more specifically, "I'll-never-be-good-enough-ness"), which is where the bulk of my problems have historically come from. It's something I'm actively working on, and it's much less of an issue now. Or, at least, when I have an issue, I'm much quicker about getting to the bottom of exactly what it is that is causing it. For instance, if it's anger, what specifically is it that makes me angry? We come from a culture of blaming so often that it's so easy to say "s/he made me angry because..." that we often miss our own projections.
The ShadowWork and NVC tools have made it easier for me to be emotionally honest with myself, and cut out all the layers of bullshit that I often fool myself with. Sure, I could develop knee-jerk reactions to things or pile on the defense mechanisms, and that works for some people. They justify their judgements because it's frankly easier to cover up or ignore and hope things stay quiet than it is to dig deeper and clean house. I don't want to be one of those people, and the more familiar I get with SW, the harder it is for me to interact with people whose Shadows limit them in fairly dysfunctional ways. It's hard to see people I love struggle with such obvious limitations and deeply rooted Shadows and not form judgements. I can only offer the tools as I find them myself, and listen. Still, I find myself reminding myself that other peoples' Shadows are not things that I can allow to affect me. I've got my own to work on, and that's enough. At any rate, I find that if I strengthen myself, I have no need to constantly be in defense-mode. And if I'm not in defense-mode, I'm happier, more open, more able to connect. And that's my goal. I'm not 100%, and no one ever is. My goal is to be better, for myself, and for the people I care about.
There's a workshop in September-- Women in Power. It deals with Shadow Work, and it's basically the feminine equivalent of the training that Sky went through. It looks pretty cheesy from the bad website and the New Age language. But. Every woman I know who's been through it is someone I aspire to be-- strong, assertive, independent, secure, unafraid, and in charge of her Shadow. I don't know if I'll make it this year. It's $800. That's a lot. But it's something I want to do in the next few years. Something to mull over if you're interested, as well.
I think a lot of this has been that I'm doing a lot of things that are personally fulfilling, and following my muse a bit more than I had in the past few years. I'd been under the impression that my primary form of artistic expression was writing (and sometimes singing), to the point where I'd been kind of blind to other artistic yearnings. Now, my interests have almost turned 180 degrees-- not that I don't still love to write or sing, it's just that my day-to-day focus has shifted to other challenges. Dancing, jewelrymaking-- the first I thought I'd never do, the second, long forgotten. Both bring me so much joy, so much clarity. One allows me to find my place in a larger community, the other is much more introspective and also has rekindled my interest in attuning to the Divine.
Things with Sky continue to go really well. Part of his training and therapy includes gaining integrity with those around him, and it's a process that I see him working on with other people, as well. He's been repairing lapsed and sometimes acrimonious friendships. He's been taking it slow, cautious of boundaries as he tries to build a friendship with people who are wary and occasionally openly hostile to him. That's something that takes a good bit of patience and humility, and I think is also deserving of respect. It's good to see the work he's doing in practice-- on Wednesdays, he comes home and tells me about how the latest session went, what he learned about himself, and what he intends to work on. And he does.
As it pertains to our relationship, he's been making a real effort to get to know my friends and learn about the things that are important to me. And it's little things, too-- it made me so happy to overhear him corrctly explaining the differences between tribal and cabaret style dancing, for instance-- it shows that he's been really listening. Part of that is the building integrity thing. My plan is to keep introducing him to the people that I like, and so far, the majority of the people he's met have been warm and inclusive. Most are fairly good judges of character, and seeing warmth (and in some cases, forgiveness) makes me very happy. At any rate, he's been very open in our rebuilt relationship, willing and able to talk through minor hiccups that would have once upon a time turned into huge shouting matches / cold spells. I think we've had one major argument since getting back together, and when I said, "okay-- I'm reaching my limit, and I need to be left alone right now," he gave me space, and we were able to talk it out once I'd thought on it enough to be able to verbalize the bottom line of exactly what it was that was angering me. NVC was a really good idea for us.
I learned that one thing that I have a tendency to do is to clam up and stonewall when I'm irritated, without voicing my irritation. You know, the "I'm angry with you, but I'm not gonna say I'm angry or clear the air with you, because goddamnit, you should just know why you're wrong." You know, that trap that ruins relationships and friendships alike, and is frankly just stupid. Because of course you're gonna be unhappy if you don't discuss the white elephant in the room, you know? If you don't give voice to your issue, the other person may never know. It's not their job to wheedle it out of you, and that's one of the hardest lessons that I learned. You want resolution? Bring it up. Talk about it. Stop pre-judging and listen. There are no black-and-whites, no absolutes, and the silent treatment is exactly what allows unfounded assumptions and resentment to grow. And sometimes it's easier to stay in the comfortable space of "I'm right" / "I'm the wronged party, why should I bring it up?", but in the long run, that's just dysfunctional and often a cover-up for a deeper Shadow.
From a second-hand perspective, my new familiarity with ShadowWork has made me much more conscious of my own Shadows-- especially my feelings of unworthiness (or, more specifically, "I'll-never-be-good-enough-ness"), which is where the bulk of my problems have historically come from. It's something I'm actively working on, and it's much less of an issue now. Or, at least, when I have an issue, I'm much quicker about getting to the bottom of exactly what it is that is causing it. For instance, if it's anger, what specifically is it that makes me angry? We come from a culture of blaming so often that it's so easy to say "s/he made me angry because..." that we often miss our own projections.
The ShadowWork and NVC tools have made it easier for me to be emotionally honest with myself, and cut out all the layers of bullshit that I often fool myself with. Sure, I could develop knee-jerk reactions to things or pile on the defense mechanisms, and that works for some people. They justify their judgements because it's frankly easier to cover up or ignore and hope things stay quiet than it is to dig deeper and clean house. I don't want to be one of those people, and the more familiar I get with SW, the harder it is for me to interact with people whose Shadows limit them in fairly dysfunctional ways. It's hard to see people I love struggle with such obvious limitations and deeply rooted Shadows and not form judgements. I can only offer the tools as I find them myself, and listen. Still, I find myself reminding myself that other peoples' Shadows are not things that I can allow to affect me. I've got my own to work on, and that's enough. At any rate, I find that if I strengthen myself, I have no need to constantly be in defense-mode. And if I'm not in defense-mode, I'm happier, more open, more able to connect. And that's my goal. I'm not 100%, and no one ever is. My goal is to be better, for myself, and for the people I care about.
There's a workshop in September-- Women in Power. It deals with Shadow Work, and it's basically the feminine equivalent of the training that Sky went through. It looks pretty cheesy from the bad website and the New Age language. But. Every woman I know who's been through it is someone I aspire to be-- strong, assertive, independent, secure, unafraid, and in charge of her Shadow. I don't know if I'll make it this year. It's $800. That's a lot. But it's something I want to do in the next few years. Something to mull over if you're interested, as well.