Shadow Work

The Shadow: The Shadow describes the part of the psyche that an individual would rather not acknowledge. It contains the denied parts of the self, often the result of the way an individual learns to cope with a traumatic experience. Since the self contains these aspects, they surface in one way or another. Bringing Shadow material into consciousness drains its dark power, and can even recover valuable resources from it. The greatest power, however, comes from having accepted your Shadow parts and integrated them as components of your Self.

I've been doing a lot of private and paper journaling, processing through the emotional fallout of my relationship with Skyler, and working out how I feel about the way he's working on himself. It's been very helpful to be able to name and give voice to my feelings. When I understand them, when I understand their roots, I can more easily grasp how to take action and heal. Though I am not undergoing therapy for Shadow Work (though I may take the Women In Power course in September), I have been working on my own personal Shadows, and this is something that requires a great deal self-honesty.

To start, I had to identify exactly what it is I had been and am still feeling. Most bluntly stated: anger, fear, helplessness, shame. A lot of this started in my childhood. I did not have a childhood wherein I was nurtured and taught that I was loved. Things are much better with my parents now, and I have forgiven them their shortcomings, accepted them for who they are, and learned to distance myself appropriately. Still, I imprinted upon many things at a very young age: that I was a pawn in my parents' war, that their concern for me was not as great as their desire to look better than the other, that nothing I did would be good enough, that even if I was publicly praised, I would be criticized at home. After the custody battle when I was 11-12, my mother and her side of the family made it abundantly clear to me that I had shamed them in taking my father's side, and as such, I would not be treated as a full member of the family. My mother would refuse to speak to me, asking one of my siblings to relay messages to me even if I were only sitting across the table from her. I was told that I didn't care about her well being, that I wouldn't care if she walked out in front of a car and died, that I made her want to walk out in front of a car, and that was because that was the type of person I was. I was a bad person.

I know that's not true, at least now. I understand it was a construct of her insecurity, her lack of control over the situation, her fear that I wouldn't respect and love her. However, my body imprinted on those negative things, and for years, I didn't stand up straight. I looked at the floor. I rarely looked people in the eye. I was criticized, berated, and made to feel like I deserved it. Because of "what I did." Because I would never be a full part of either family-- I was the one who was only half. It affected me in a profound way. I was shy and withdrawn for a very long time, only gaining access to the "cool kids" table in middle school because I tutored them in math and English. And for that I was grateful. Again, I felt completely unworthy to be a part of that group. I felt that my prescence at that table was charity.

High school was a revelation for me. I was accepted at a very competitive high school because a group of accomplished artists thought that I was worth it. I was worth one of their two female slots out of hundreds that auditioned. Not only that, but no one knew me there. I could completely reinvent myself, and I did. I got friends who supported me, who liked me for me, who told me that my parents were bullshit. I lost the acne, grew out the awkward hair, and realized that I was actually kinda pretty. I faked loads of self-confidence to be able to perform (I have awful stage fright). Eventually, the faking became actual confidence, as people took note. And in college this continued. As an RA, I had to take control of large situations. Intimidating situations. But it was my job, and I did it, and eventually the steel that I wore for the job became a part of me. The Shadow-- the part of me that thinks "you're a bad person, you're unworthy of praise, you're unworthy of recognition" became much quieter. It would twinge from time to time-- I have a hard time taking compliments and often ignore them. This is not coyness or false modesty: they often make me uncomfortable, even as I enjoy positive recognition. It seems like such a contradiction, I know. It's because even though I crave positive recognition, the Shadow parts of me don't feel like I deserve them. And I don't enjoy large gifts. That's a part of it, too. I often feel like I owe a gift back, and if I can't respond in kind, I have in some way failed.

Anyway, to get back to the Skyler thing, the last few months of my relationship with him brought out the Shadow with a vengeance. It is not enough to say that he treated me badly. He knows this, I know this. He treated me badly, and that is inexcusable. However, I cannot but acknowledge that I was complicit in what happened. Long after my intuition and my body told me that he was damaged and damaging, I continued to put myself in situations wherein I would be vulnerable to his inconsistent, insensitive, and inexcusable behavior. I walked into situations knowing that I would be hurt. I did this because I lost sight of the fact that I was whole in and of myself, and desired his validation, much like I had prostrated myself for my parents years before. In the last two months of our relationship, Skyler did many things of which he is ashamed. However, I am shamed, too, because I allowed it. I allowed him to treat me badly long after I should have gotten out of the situation. What's worse, I allowed him to make me believe I deserved to be treated that way.

This is my Shadow.

Since I have become more articulate about this with myself, my dreams have changed. They've become more literal. I don't have symbols of unworthiness any longer, I have real situations, replayed. I am dealing with my own anger at myself that I let myself be weakened, that I weakened myself for someone else's validation. I acknowledge that, and am learning to heal. I'm setting boundaries, I'm being articulate and honest, and I'm listening to my body. I am letting my friends give me love. I am spending time with myself, affirming to myself that I am strong and worthy of love and good treatment. Still, it is a slow process. It took me years to forgive my parents, but I never had to forgive myself-- I know I was too young, and I know that I did nothing of which I should be ashamed. This is different, at least to me. The pain is still fresh. I'm dealing with the fact that I compromised my own self-worth, and am taking responsibility for the pain I caused myself. Forgiving Skyler will come-- he has asked for a chance to make reparations, and I will grant it with clear rules and boundaries. I suspect that forgiving myself will take far longer, and my Shadow is something that I will deal with for the rest of my life. Other people will hurt me. They will let me down. This is a part of life, as much as good friends and good deeds are a part of life. My mission is not to let my Shadow overtake me again in a way that is so detrimental and damaging.

At any rate, comments are off. I understand that you, as my friends, want to give me support. Many of you will choose to say "but you're so strong," and honestly, it helps. However, that is not the part of me that I am addressing here, and I am doing so for my own piece of mind. Thank you for listening.