Highlights from last night.
I was called crazy, unbalanced, irrational, irresponsible, a liar, mean, unsupportive, and suicidal.
At no point did I raise my voice, cry, or insult. I wore an armor of calm even when he sucessively hit each of my panic buttons, and did so acknowledging that he was doing it on purpose. Because, as I quote, "[he] has the right to, because it's not illegal."
What did I do that was illegal?
Last Friday night, we were hanging out, having a good time, goofing off and watching movies. As a joke, I stuck my finger in his key lime pie, since we were being jokey in that way. He completely flipped out in a way that made me absolutely uncomfortable. So I kind of clammed up, and figured if I just watched the movie, things would calm down and be okay.
But no. He turned the movie off and wanted to Talk about why I was being "mean" and "ignoring him." I said that I really didn't want to talk, I needed some space. Seeing as we'd had a bottle of wine, that seemed really smart to me. He said fine, and stomped off to his bedroom.
I fell asleep on the couch. It was about 12:30, I'd worked all day, I was upset, and a little tipsy. He woke me up to say we needed to Talk. I said that I was really not capable of having a rational talk. If he could leave me alone or lighten up, I would be fine and we'd talk about it later. And I would sleep on the couch.
That was not good enough. So I said fine, I'll sleep in the bedroom, but I'm exhausted and really would like to be left alone, because despite what had happened, his tone was quite aggressive. I passed out in the bed for about fifteen minutes. Before being woken up again. So-- I'm upset, startled, disoriented, exhausted, and tipsy. I reiterate that I am not emotionally or mentally capable of talking right now. Approximately 10 times. I told him that he was crossing my boundaries, and that I really needed for him to back off. He said not until I told him when we would talk.
At that point, I'm in serious distress. I'm shaking. I'm crying. My nerves are under full assault. I ask him to please drive me home. He said no. He didn't seem to care at all that I was having a full-on panic reaction, as long as he got what he wanted. He told me that I was "acting crazy" and being irrational, when infact, I was repeatedly saying that I either wanted to be left alone or taken home. He was being pretty aggressive, and all of my alarms were ringing.
I tried to call a cab, but like I said, I was tipsy and so upset that my hands were shaking. I dropped the phone twice. I said that I needed to get some fresh air and that I'd call a cab.
He tried to physically block me in the room. He stood in front of the door and told me that he would not move until I told him when we would talk.
Claustrophobia and panic hit a peak. I gave him one warning: move out of my way, or I will physically move you myself. He didn't. I moved him. I shoved him out of my way, and when he grabbed onto my right arm, I cracked him a good one.
Anna picked me up at 1:30am. He was playing videogames.
Flash forward: Sunday night. I apologized for cracking him one, but said under no circumstances would I apologize for moving him out of my way when he was blocking me in an enclosed space wherein he could continue to break me down. He told me that he had the right to do that, and what I did was illegal. I tell him fine. Take me to court, we'll let the courts decide whether or not it was self-defense. He demurred. Big surprise. At any rate, he doesn't want to break our open relationship, and thinks it's a matter of me being willing to try. I tell him I need time to think.
Monday night: I called him back and said that I have conditions. Condition one: he can never block me in like that ever again. If he could accept that, I would never have cause to be physically violent and would therefore not ever hit him again. Don't get me wrong-- there are times when I wanted to beat the snot out of him, but I had never actually done it until Friday night, and I feel it was out of self-protection. Condition two: understand that I may not be comfortable with physical intimacy. He stomped all over my boundaries when I was in a weakened state, and that seriously affects my ability to show him any sort of physical affection. Condition three: I would not be alone with him in a place where I don't have alternative transportation until trust was built back up. This includes his apartment. Because this can never happen again.
At which point, because this means compromise on his part as well as mine (he often confuses "ultimatum" and "compromise") he said that he would have to think about it, because I violated one of his core beliefs when I was physically aggressive. I said fine. We'll see how it goes face-to-face on Thursday night, after my dance class.
Last night: I called at 9:15 to say that I was home. Yesterday was sucktastic at work, I was stressed and tired, so I'd like to be in bed by midnight. Well, he was at his mother's, 45 minutes away, despite having told me he'd come by after class. So I waited and said look, if you're not going to be here before 11, I'll probably take a shower and go to bed, so could I please get an ETA? He said probably 10:30. I said okay. He actually went home. Despite saying that he takes what people say literally, he said that even though I said I was still willing to meet, my tone said that I wasn't, and so he went home. I said look, you can still get here, we'll have an hour to talk, and then you can go home and I'll go to bed at a reasonable hour.
He was shocked-- shocked-- that I wasn't comfortable with him staying the night. That's when he started getting pretty nasty. He did show up at about 11, and it was one barb after another.
He admitted that he was hitting all of my buttons to try to provoke a reaction. He threw darts about the issues I have with Mike, he called me emotionally unstable, he insinuated that I was slutty because we slept together after knowing each other for only two months, and that judging from that I should have no problem being physically intimate now.
He changed his story to "you know, because you've been suicidal in the past, the reason why I blocked you in is because when you're upset, I have to assume that you might harm yourself, so really I was doing it for your own good." Despite the fact that I have no mention of self harm in quite some time and am actually working towards being better. He said it because he knew it would hurt. He also said that that's what he had told both his mother and his best friend, both of whom I respect very much, that I hit him because I was irrational, and he was keeping me in one place because he was afraid I might self-harm. It's complete bullshit. I might add that I am going to his best friend's Christmas party, and until last night, I was supposed to be spending Christmas with his family. Well, I'm still going to the party, but I won't be doing Christmas with the fam. I hope that Tessy and Scott are both wise enough to realize that they can't take what he says as gospel truth.
He said nasty thing after nasty thing and kept getting the nastier the longer I didn't take his bait. Actually, I did at one point, then realized that I was taking bait and immediately de-escalated my response. I did not cry, I did not raise my voice, I did not let him break me. Because his m.o. is this: if he can't win an argument, he will incapacitate the other person until they break down, at which point he feels he has control of the situation, and thus he wins. My objective: not break down. And I didn't.
He tried to tell me that perhaps it would be best for me not to go dancing tonight or to the party tomorrow, (actually, he called it "foolhardy") because even though his friends "may have liked [me] before, they probably will not be so warm now," and that he will probably continue to shoot barbs at me because "[he] has the right to because we are no longer dating." Because, of course, I'm not a person or anything. Also? If anyone asks why we broke up, he will tell them that I hit him, then broke up with him. Because it's technically not a lie.
I took a deep breath and responded levelly: I will not be rude or mean to you. I will be civil and polite, and I will not take your bait. If you insult me, I will simply walk away. Furthermore, I would like you to have the gifts I bought for you because despite all this, I do care for you, and I bought them because they are things you need. This is called kindness, and it comes with no expectation. He told me that he's taking my gifts back with the exception of one, and I will receive it unwrapped because honestly, I can't expect him to put effort into wrapping a gift after "what [I] did."
He tried to condescend me and cut me down with every breath simply to provoke me into having an emotional reaction. He told me that if I wanted to continue having a relationship with him, I would have to "court [him]" and "gain [his] trust again." He told me that I have anger management issues, and when I suggested he also see a therapist about his control issues, he said that I was projecting my instabilities on him.
He told me that I drive people away because I "crush people's emotions" and that I have done this to everyone I care about, which is why everyone thinks I'm mean and intimidating. Which... I pointed out was absolute bullshit because I have several friends whom I love and who love me, and whom I trust implicitly. But he was just taking shots in the dark, hoping to hit a target, and I knew it.
When I said that I was not insulting him out of love, he said that he was insulting me because he was experiencing the flip-side of love.
I did not cry. I waited until he left, and I called
bellybalt and sobbed for a good 45 minutes. Thank you, Don.
Parting words? "You know, I'll miss you. I liked fucking you. You were great in the sack. You're pretty. And you can be really smart sometimes. But you're fucking crazy. If you want to compromise, we can try to be friends."
Basically, he was an emotionally abusive asshat the entire evening.
What's better? I get to see him tonight at the dance. And tomorrow at Scott's party. And Sunday at Dixie's party, which is being held at my house. And he's made it clear that he's not going to be polite to me and will essentially tell his side of the story to anyone who will listen. Very mature.
But I am not going to back down. If I chickened out or acted intimidated, it will validate for him that being an asshole is the way to get what he wants. If he wants to apologize for being an asshole, then maybe we can talk. But honestly, I gave him respect and kindness and honesty last night, and he gave me nothing but vinegar and bile in return. I am not bending over backwards to fix this. I am going to get through this weekend come hell or high water.
I'm going to do what I do best-- clean up nice, put on a pretty dress, be charming, and not respond to his escalations.
I will not let him break me.
Comments screened. I may unscreen them in the future, but for right now, they're staying screened. This is public due to his allegation that the reason why he blocked me is to protect me from self-harm, and I want it known that that is blatant bullshit. I'm going on public record to say so.
At no point did I raise my voice, cry, or insult. I wore an armor of calm even when he sucessively hit each of my panic buttons, and did so acknowledging that he was doing it on purpose. Because, as I quote, "[he] has the right to, because it's not illegal."
What did I do that was illegal?
Last Friday night, we were hanging out, having a good time, goofing off and watching movies. As a joke, I stuck my finger in his key lime pie, since we were being jokey in that way. He completely flipped out in a way that made me absolutely uncomfortable. So I kind of clammed up, and figured if I just watched the movie, things would calm down and be okay.
But no. He turned the movie off and wanted to Talk about why I was being "mean" and "ignoring him." I said that I really didn't want to talk, I needed some space. Seeing as we'd had a bottle of wine, that seemed really smart to me. He said fine, and stomped off to his bedroom.
I fell asleep on the couch. It was about 12:30, I'd worked all day, I was upset, and a little tipsy. He woke me up to say we needed to Talk. I said that I was really not capable of having a rational talk. If he could leave me alone or lighten up, I would be fine and we'd talk about it later. And I would sleep on the couch.
That was not good enough. So I said fine, I'll sleep in the bedroom, but I'm exhausted and really would like to be left alone, because despite what had happened, his tone was quite aggressive. I passed out in the bed for about fifteen minutes. Before being woken up again. So-- I'm upset, startled, disoriented, exhausted, and tipsy. I reiterate that I am not emotionally or mentally capable of talking right now. Approximately 10 times. I told him that he was crossing my boundaries, and that I really needed for him to back off. He said not until I told him when we would talk.
At that point, I'm in serious distress. I'm shaking. I'm crying. My nerves are under full assault. I ask him to please drive me home. He said no. He didn't seem to care at all that I was having a full-on panic reaction, as long as he got what he wanted. He told me that I was "acting crazy" and being irrational, when infact, I was repeatedly saying that I either wanted to be left alone or taken home. He was being pretty aggressive, and all of my alarms were ringing.
I tried to call a cab, but like I said, I was tipsy and so upset that my hands were shaking. I dropped the phone twice. I said that I needed to get some fresh air and that I'd call a cab.
He tried to physically block me in the room. He stood in front of the door and told me that he would not move until I told him when we would talk.
Claustrophobia and panic hit a peak. I gave him one warning: move out of my way, or I will physically move you myself. He didn't. I moved him. I shoved him out of my way, and when he grabbed onto my right arm, I cracked him a good one.
Anna picked me up at 1:30am. He was playing videogames.
Flash forward: Sunday night. I apologized for cracking him one, but said under no circumstances would I apologize for moving him out of my way when he was blocking me in an enclosed space wherein he could continue to break me down. He told me that he had the right to do that, and what I did was illegal. I tell him fine. Take me to court, we'll let the courts decide whether or not it was self-defense. He demurred. Big surprise. At any rate, he doesn't want to break our open relationship, and thinks it's a matter of me being willing to try. I tell him I need time to think.
Monday night: I called him back and said that I have conditions. Condition one: he can never block me in like that ever again. If he could accept that, I would never have cause to be physically violent and would therefore not ever hit him again. Don't get me wrong-- there are times when I wanted to beat the snot out of him, but I had never actually done it until Friday night, and I feel it was out of self-protection. Condition two: understand that I may not be comfortable with physical intimacy. He stomped all over my boundaries when I was in a weakened state, and that seriously affects my ability to show him any sort of physical affection. Condition three: I would not be alone with him in a place where I don't have alternative transportation until trust was built back up. This includes his apartment. Because this can never happen again.
At which point, because this means compromise on his part as well as mine (he often confuses "ultimatum" and "compromise") he said that he would have to think about it, because I violated one of his core beliefs when I was physically aggressive. I said fine. We'll see how it goes face-to-face on Thursday night, after my dance class.
Last night: I called at 9:15 to say that I was home. Yesterday was sucktastic at work, I was stressed and tired, so I'd like to be in bed by midnight. Well, he was at his mother's, 45 minutes away, despite having told me he'd come by after class. So I waited and said look, if you're not going to be here before 11, I'll probably take a shower and go to bed, so could I please get an ETA? He said probably 10:30. I said okay. He actually went home. Despite saying that he takes what people say literally, he said that even though I said I was still willing to meet, my tone said that I wasn't, and so he went home. I said look, you can still get here, we'll have an hour to talk, and then you can go home and I'll go to bed at a reasonable hour.
He was shocked-- shocked-- that I wasn't comfortable with him staying the night. That's when he started getting pretty nasty. He did show up at about 11, and it was one barb after another.
He admitted that he was hitting all of my buttons to try to provoke a reaction. He threw darts about the issues I have with Mike, he called me emotionally unstable, he insinuated that I was slutty because we slept together after knowing each other for only two months, and that judging from that I should have no problem being physically intimate now.
He changed his story to "you know, because you've been suicidal in the past, the reason why I blocked you in is because when you're upset, I have to assume that you might harm yourself, so really I was doing it for your own good." Despite the fact that I have no mention of self harm in quite some time and am actually working towards being better. He said it because he knew it would hurt. He also said that that's what he had told both his mother and his best friend, both of whom I respect very much, that I hit him because I was irrational, and he was keeping me in one place because he was afraid I might self-harm. It's complete bullshit. I might add that I am going to his best friend's Christmas party, and until last night, I was supposed to be spending Christmas with his family. Well, I'm still going to the party, but I won't be doing Christmas with the fam. I hope that Tessy and Scott are both wise enough to realize that they can't take what he says as gospel truth.
He said nasty thing after nasty thing and kept getting the nastier the longer I didn't take his bait. Actually, I did at one point, then realized that I was taking bait and immediately de-escalated my response. I did not cry, I did not raise my voice, I did not let him break me. Because his m.o. is this: if he can't win an argument, he will incapacitate the other person until they break down, at which point he feels he has control of the situation, and thus he wins. My objective: not break down. And I didn't.
He tried to tell me that perhaps it would be best for me not to go dancing tonight or to the party tomorrow, (actually, he called it "foolhardy") because even though his friends "may have liked [me] before, they probably will not be so warm now," and that he will probably continue to shoot barbs at me because "[he] has the right to because we are no longer dating." Because, of course, I'm not a person or anything. Also? If anyone asks why we broke up, he will tell them that I hit him, then broke up with him. Because it's technically not a lie.
I took a deep breath and responded levelly: I will not be rude or mean to you. I will be civil and polite, and I will not take your bait. If you insult me, I will simply walk away. Furthermore, I would like you to have the gifts I bought for you because despite all this, I do care for you, and I bought them because they are things you need. This is called kindness, and it comes with no expectation. He told me that he's taking my gifts back with the exception of one, and I will receive it unwrapped because honestly, I can't expect him to put effort into wrapping a gift after "what [I] did."
He tried to condescend me and cut me down with every breath simply to provoke me into having an emotional reaction. He told me that if I wanted to continue having a relationship with him, I would have to "court [him]" and "gain [his] trust again." He told me that I have anger management issues, and when I suggested he also see a therapist about his control issues, he said that I was projecting my instabilities on him.
He told me that I drive people away because I "crush people's emotions" and that I have done this to everyone I care about, which is why everyone thinks I'm mean and intimidating. Which... I pointed out was absolute bullshit because I have several friends whom I love and who love me, and whom I trust implicitly. But he was just taking shots in the dark, hoping to hit a target, and I knew it.
When I said that I was not insulting him out of love, he said that he was insulting me because he was experiencing the flip-side of love.
I did not cry. I waited until he left, and I called
bellybalt and sobbed for a good 45 minutes. Thank you, Don.Parting words? "You know, I'll miss you. I liked fucking you. You were great in the sack. You're pretty. And you can be really smart sometimes. But you're fucking crazy. If you want to compromise, we can try to be friends."
Basically, he was an emotionally abusive asshat the entire evening.
What's better? I get to see him tonight at the dance. And tomorrow at Scott's party. And Sunday at Dixie's party, which is being held at my house. And he's made it clear that he's not going to be polite to me and will essentially tell his side of the story to anyone who will listen. Very mature.
But I am not going to back down. If I chickened out or acted intimidated, it will validate for him that being an asshole is the way to get what he wants. If he wants to apologize for being an asshole, then maybe we can talk. But honestly, I gave him respect and kindness and honesty last night, and he gave me nothing but vinegar and bile in return. I am not bending over backwards to fix this. I am going to get through this weekend come hell or high water.
I'm going to do what I do best-- clean up nice, put on a pretty dress, be charming, and not respond to his escalations.
I will not let him break me.
Comments screened. I may unscreen them in the future, but for right now, they're staying screened. This is public due to his allegation that the reason why he blocked me is to protect me from self-harm, and I want it known that that is blatant bullshit. I'm going on public record to say so.