Not a blue Christmas. Periwinkle, maybe.
I'm pretty sure that if you're viewing my journal without being on my filters, my life has been the most boring ever as of late. Well. Maybe, but there's a lot going on. Not all of it I feel prepared to talk about or even really want to talk about, so there you go. It seems very much to be another transition time, another boundary-setting time. A time for me to define what I want in my life, and what I don't. Relationships are complicated, work is busy as I prepare to take on lots of new daily tasks and travel for most of next month, etcetera and so forth. It's a lot right now. So if you've emailed me or messaged me and I haven't gotten back with you-- it's not you. It's me kind of being underwater at the moment. I always make a note to myself to go back an answer that message or return that call, but then I get home and am exhausted and vegetative, and I can't think of what to say. So.
I did finish all of my cards last night. Finally. All of my packages are sitting next to my desk, and will be going out just as soon as Sara gets back from lunch and we make a post office run. I can't believe it's only 12:30-- today is going by so slowly. You know, I really like doing the card and gift thing. Gift-giving holidays are always kind of a strain on me because I have such a large family, and families come first. Even so, if the cash is kind of scarce, I like to do something small but thoughtful for close friends. And I managed that this year, so I'm pretty content. Still, I feel a little guilty, because it seems like I always receive more than I give, and that makes me uncomfortable. I mean, I spent down to the last $20 in my wallet for gifts with my last paycheck, and I always feel terrible when I can't repay a kindness someone has paid me. I think I'm going to make a baking list and send random cookies when I get back from my business trip.
But it doesn't feel like Christmas to me. I don't know what it is. Lack of carols, maybe. Lack of anything remotely resembling cold weather. Not living at home with my parents and therefore not being subjected to Rudolph or Frosty. Hell, I don't even know what my plans are for Christmas day are, anymore. I've been invited to some parties, but complications will likely keep me from going. Everything still feels so day-to-day; the holiday spirit didn't really set in this year. And I don't mean to seem like a grinch. I'm not cranky or upset or any of those things. I'm just numb, maybe.
Brr. I don't know why it seems colder in this building than it does outside.
I did finish all of my cards last night. Finally. All of my packages are sitting next to my desk, and will be going out just as soon as Sara gets back from lunch and we make a post office run. I can't believe it's only 12:30-- today is going by so slowly. You know, I really like doing the card and gift thing. Gift-giving holidays are always kind of a strain on me because I have such a large family, and families come first. Even so, if the cash is kind of scarce, I like to do something small but thoughtful for close friends. And I managed that this year, so I'm pretty content. Still, I feel a little guilty, because it seems like I always receive more than I give, and that makes me uncomfortable. I mean, I spent down to the last $20 in my wallet for gifts with my last paycheck, and I always feel terrible when I can't repay a kindness someone has paid me. I think I'm going to make a baking list and send random cookies when I get back from my business trip.
But it doesn't feel like Christmas to me. I don't know what it is. Lack of carols, maybe. Lack of anything remotely resembling cold weather. Not living at home with my parents and therefore not being subjected to Rudolph or Frosty. Hell, I don't even know what my plans are for Christmas day are, anymore. I've been invited to some parties, but complications will likely keep me from going. Everything still feels so day-to-day; the holiday spirit didn't really set in this year. And I don't mean to seem like a grinch. I'm not cranky or upset or any of those things. I'm just numb, maybe.
Brr. I don't know why it seems colder in this building than it does outside.