Book review: A Kiss of Shadows, by Laurell K. Hamilton.

Synopsis:: Laurell K. Hamilton revitalized vampires, werewolves, and zombies in the popular Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter books. In this new series, she updates faeries. A Kiss of Shadows introduces Merry Gentry, a.k.a. Meredith NicEssus, a faerie princess of the Unseelie Court, where politics is a blood sport. Merry, who's part sidhe (elvish), part brownie, and part human, never really fit in. She's short, not skilled in offensive magic, and mortal because of her human blood. These are real liabilities when your family, especially aunt Andais, Queen of Air and Darkness, is out to kill you. Merry has been in hiding for three years, living in Los Angeles and working for the Grey Detective Agency, which specializes in "supernatural problems, magical solutions." A new case sets her against a man who uses forbidden magic to seduce fey women and drain their power. A plan to trap him goes awry and Merry's cover is blown. Now Andais knows where she is. But things have changed in Andais's court, and Merry is changing too.

This is potentially the most unintentionally hysterical book I have ever read.

For starters, I stacked Merry, the protagonist, against the Mary Sue Litmus Test. God help us, these results may be a little low, as I could not answer on Laurell K. Hamilton's behalf (for instance, she and Merry probably do have several quirks in common); where I could, though, I switched "you" to "the author."*

The results::
--0-10 points: The Anti-Sue. Your character is the very antithesis of a Mary-Sue. Why are you even taking this test?
--11-20 points: The Non-Sue. Your character is a well-developed, balanced person, and is almost certainly not a Mary Sue. Congratulations!
--21-35 points: Borderline-Sue. Your character is cutting it close, and you may want to work on the details a bit, but you're well on your way to having a lovely original character. Good work.
--36-55 points: Mary-Sue. Your character needs some work in order to be believable. But despair not; you should still be able to salvage her with a little effort. Don't give up.
--56-70 points: Über-Sue. You've got one hell of a Mary-Sue on your hands here, and it's not going to be easy to set things right. But do your best. There may be hope for you yet.
--71 points or more: Irredeemable-Sue. You're going to have to start over, my friend. I know you want to keep writing, but no. Just no.

Merry's score? 105.

I rest my case. They should rename that sucker 'The Merry Sue Litmus Test.'

No, in seriousness, this was a bad book. I don't even know where to start. It's just erotica. Only... not really erotic. Funny, kinda. Mindless pr0n. But told by an author with guilt about her kinks and serious, serious issues with men. All of the men in Merry's world are either raping, murderous bastards or completely honorable, idealized beauties. Oh, and they're color-coded. The green one, the purple one, the blue one... that's the only way to tell them apart. I have serious suspicions that LKH was once a frustrated secretary with a signed, framed headshot of Fabio on her desk. Possibly an auxillary altar at home. Just sayin'.

Anyway, I really do have to let the quotes speak for themselves. A few of my favorites:

"Three days later I was standing in the middle of Jeremy's office wearing nothing but a black lace push-up bra, matching panties, and black thigh-highs. A man I'd never met was fishing down the front of the bra. Normally, I have to be planning to sleep with a man before I let him fondle my breast, but it was nothing personal, just business." (pp. 29.)

"Roane Finn was sitting on the corner of Jeremy's desk, feet kicking in the air in a soft unconscious morvement, as he, too, enjoyed the show. He didn't have to compliment me. He'd seen me naked last night and many nights before that. His eyes are the first things you notice about him, huge, liquid brown orbs that dominate his face like the moon dominates the night sky." (pp. 30.)
Uh, lulz.

FYI, Merry is 5'0". "He stood, hands resting lightly on my hips. The movement put him kissably close. His eyes were exactly at the same level as mine. There was an intimacy to the eye contact that I'd never had with anyone else. I'd never been with anyone as short as I was before. It made missionary position unbelievably intimate." (pp. 35.)

"He kissed, and it was gentle, a good first kiss. I hated the fact that he seemed so sincere. What was truly horrible was that he might be sincere, that at the beginning of the seduction he might mean every word. I'd met men like that before. It's as if they believe their own lies, that this time it would be true love. But it never lasts because no woman is perfect enough for them. Of course, it isn't the women who aren't perfect enough. It's the man. He tries to fill some void in himself with women or sex. If the love is true enough, the sex good enough, then this time he'll feel complete. This time he'll finally be whole. Serial womanizers are like serial killers in one respect. They both believe the next time will be perfect, that the next experience will complete them and stop this unending need. But it never does." (pp. 44.)
Whoa. Just... whoa.

"'Let's not pretend, Merry. We both know why you're here, why we're both here. It's the bedroom.' He opened the door, and it was the bedroom." (pp. 48.)

"He nuzzled the side of my face, lips moving down my skin. 'You're not wearing any base.'
'I don't need any.'" (pp. 49.)
'Base,' as in makeup foundation. OMG.

"Alistair undid the snap on his pants and slowly drew down the zipper. He wore red bikini underwear, like he'd dressed to match the bedroom." (pp. 53.)

During a sex scene: "I was suddenly aware of my body again. I could feel Roane's body inside mine. But the swirl and rush of warm ocean flowed over us. My eyes told me I was still on the bed, hands holding to the headboard, but I could feel the warm, warm water swirling over us. The invisible ocean filled the glowing light of our two mingled bodies like water inside a goldfish bowl, the ocean held by our power like metaphysical glass. Our bodies were like the wicks of some floating candle, caught in the water and the glass, fire, water, and flesh." (pp. 92.)

"I pulled him backward toward the bed so I could watch his face.
A look passed through his eyes that was neither sidhe, nor human, nor sluagh, but simply male. 'I like,' he said." (pp. 146.)
This guy, by the way, had tentacles.

"Distrust showed on his face. I guess I couldn't blame him, but I was getting tired of holding his emotional hand. I didn't want to hurt him, but I wasn't sure I wanted to tie myself to him forever. It wasn't the tentacles-- it was the heavy emotions that seemed to swing back and forth so quickly. He was going to be a high-maintenance parner when it came to his feelings. Men like that are so damned exhausting that I usually avoid them, but Sholto could offer me things that the others couldn't. He could give me back my home-- for that I could shovel emotional shit for awhile. But truthfully, it was almost a bigger mark against him than his extras." (pp. 154.)
Heavy swinging tentacles. Possibly my favorite sentence in the entire book.

"He looked at me, frowning. 'What's with the black turtleneck? I thought we both agreed never to wear black.'
'It looks good with the charcoal grey dress pants and matching jacket,' I said." (pp. 242.)
WHO SAYS THAT?

"His pants were unzipped. I caught a glimplse of green bikini briefs. I wanted to plunge my hand down the front of his body. I wanted it so badly that I could feel him in my hand as if I were already holding him." (pp. 246.)

On page 298, LKH uses the word "black" five times in one short paragraph. He was carved in black marble. He had black boots. The silver glittered against the blackness of him. His hair hung like a black cloak... thesaurus, please.

"His shoulders were a touch broader than Doyle's, but other than that they wee both very alike and very unalike... But the sword at his side with its silver-and-bone hilt was real enough, and if you could see one weapon, there'd be more because he was Frost." (pp. 307.)
Oh, that explains it.

Finally, the plot: "'This is why I am insisting that you sleep with more than one at a time. You must sleep with most of them before making your choice. That way they'll all feel they've had a chance. Otherwise, you are right. There will be duels until no one is left standing. Make them work at seducing you instead of killing each other.'
'I like sex, my queen, and I have no designs upon monogamy, but there are some among your Guard that I can't even speak a civil word to, and sex is a step up from polite small talk.'
'I will make you my heir,' she said, voice very quiet.
I stared at her so careful, unreadable face. I didn't trust what I'd heard. 'Could you repeat that, please, my queen?'
'I will make you my heir,' she said." (pp. 327.)
YOU MUST BE A SKANK-HO FOR THE GOOD OF THE KINGDOM, MERRY! GO FORTH! SKANK IT UP!

"He sat down on the far side of me from Galen, spreading the black cloak around his body in a familar gesture, as if he wore a lot of ankle-length cloaks. He did." (pp. 361.)

"A fine crimson rain began to glide down my wrist, thick and slow." Later this page... "Blood ran down my arms in a fine, continuous rain." (pp. 367.)

"Fflur leaned over me. 'Poor greeting I bring, Princess Meredith, but answer to our queen, I must.'" (pp. 370.)
YODA!

"His eyes went back to my face, as if asking if I wanted him to stop. The answer was both no and yes. The feel of his hands on my body, the knowledge that we didn't have to stop, was intoxicating, exhilarating; if we'd been alone, and he completely healed, I would have thrown caution and all my clothes to the wind." (pp. 402.)
Holy comma splices, Batman.

"He kissed me as if he would eat me from the mouth down. I could feel the muscles in his neck working under my hands as he kissed me with lips and tongue, as if his mouth had parts I'd never felt before." (pp. 418.)
EWWWWWWWWW. EW. EW.

"'I'd like to be jealous,' Galen said. 'I was all set to be jealous, but damn, Frost, can you just teach me how to do it?'" (pp. 419.)
Slash!

"Something passed across his face, something close to pain, and for the first time I thought that maybe, just maybe, he understood what he'd dome was wrong. He unlocked the door, stepped outside, and when the door closed behind him, I knew that he was gone, gone in a way beyond simply not being around. He was not my honey bun anymore, not my special person." (pp. 434.)
Honey bun? Special person? LULZ.

"His need was large and fierce and so was he. He thrust into me as hard and as fast as he could. The souhd [sic] of flesh hitting flesh punctuated every thrust of his body." (pp. 440.)
I just pictured a drag queen saying this. Sorry.

Okay, I give. I can't really review a book with such a thin plot. The plot: Everyone wants to fuck Merry. Even the stoic ones, even the ones who previously hated and/or were indifferent to her. Even the ones who get set up as badass and intimidating are her little lap puppies inside of two minutes. And she must, must sleep with as many of them as she can for the sake of the kingdom. For about 50 pages, I thought that they were going to go from a 'Merry is a sexual healer' angle, but even that isn't salvageable under all of this purple prose.

What I can say is that it was hysterical to read aloud to friends and my roommate. It was a much appreciated laugh. It made me really worry for the author's sanity, though. She's got some rape fantasy issues that it seems she's not dealing too healthily with. Other than that, though... heh. If anyone wants my copy, you're welcome to it. I warn you, it's underlined with phrases like "lulz" and "omg" and "heh!" every third page or so.


*Litmus test positive answers::

-- Is the character's name in the title of the story or is the title otherwise a description of the character? (Gentry = noble fey.)
-- Does the character have more than one name? I.e. a nickname or a pseudonym that other characters use to refer to the character?
----- Is it a "dangerous" nickname? (Princess of Flesh. She can turn someone inside-out by touching them.)
-- Does your (immortal) character appear to be much younger than she/he really is? (Is supposedly early thirties, but is depicted as a twenty-one year-old, essentially.)
-- Is the character highly attractive without having to work at it?
-- Are one or more other characters attracted to her/him?
----- Even though they are involved with someone else?
-- Is an otherwise chaste or stoic character immediately attracted to her/him?
-- Does the character have an unusual eye color, or otherwise exceptional eyes?
----- And are these eyes a color that does not occur in nature?
----- And will they have something to do with the plot?
-- Does the character get a disproportionate amount of physical description compared to the rest of the characters? (They all do, but we always know what, in minute detail, Merry is wearing.)
-- Does the character have unusual or exceptional hair, or does her/his hair get a disproportionate amount of description compared to that of the other characters? (Her hair is "Sidhe Blood Auburn.")
-- Is the character a fashion plate?
-- Does the character dress in a manner [the author] finds particularly attractive, sexy, or cool?
-- Is the character related to royalty or nobility?
-- Is the character heir to a large fortune?
-- Was the character ever estranged from her/his family/tribe/country/etc.?
-- Was the character ever forcibly banished from her/his family/tribe/country/etc.? (Left without a choice, essentially.)
-- Does the character have an angsty childhood, or an angsty past?
------ And does she/he angst about it during the story?
-- Does the character have angst in the present?
-- Did the character run away from home?
-- Did the character ever suffer physical or emotional abuse?
-- Did the character ever suffer sexual abuse?
----- Was it rape?
-- Has the character ever fairly lost in any kind of duel, fight, or competition against someone of equal or lesser ability, where the winner was not the character's rival?
-- Does the character "just know things"?
-- Does the character have a physical handicap that does not hinder her/him significantly? (Mortal in a court of immortals.)
-- Does the character have a special birthmark or other marking?
-- Does the character have a physical "flaw" that does not actually detract from her/his beauty (e.g. lips too full, white strip in hair, missing one toe, etc.)? (She's very short. Fey women tease her.)
-- Is the character astonishingly good at something that is not her/his profession?
-- Does the character have any particular skill at which she/he the best or among the best?
-- Is the character a secret agent? (An undercover detective.)
----- And wears high heels or leather?
--Does the character possesses the following skills, with or without the aid of charms, spells, etc.):
----- Empathy
----- General magic or sorcery
----- Summoning
----- Power of seduction
----- The ability to shrug off minor wounds
----- The ability to kill people with her/his bare hands
-- Is the character fey?
-- Is the character a crossbreed of species (e.g. half-vampire, half-demon, etc.)?
----- And does the she/he have the benefits of both species?
-- Has everyone significant heard of the character?
-- Is the character repeatedly rivalled by the same person?
-- Does the character fall in (reciprocated) love with, or have sex with, a character [the author] would like to fall in love with or have sex with? (The answer to this is CERTAINLY yes.)
-- Does the character effect a major change in her/his love interest to make said love interest a more appropriate partner?
-- Has the character ever been nursed back to health from serious injuries by a warm, kind, and loving person?
-- Did [the author] base the character on any previously existing character or person? (LKH has admitted this.)
-- Does [the author] take any negative feedback about the character as a personal affront? (She has the Anne Rice syndrome.)
-- Does [the author] ever wish you could be like the character?

2006 Book Log:: http://sihaya09.livejournal.com/439937.html