A rock and a hard place.
The choice: Stay in a relationship with a defined end-date, giving 100% emotion and commitment, and go from being someone's girlfriend to completely alone overnight, or begin to distance myself over time so that the end won't completely break me down, as similar situations have done in the past.
The choice: Hold fast to myself, to all of my strong points and flaws, accepting that who I am is wonderfully human and okay, or to change again-- this time for a relationship with no future, according to someone else's idea of what is "good for me."
The choice: Risk being alone by holding fast, potentially losing someone I care about very deeply, or grant a temporary reprieve to a relationship that still, unchangingly, will end when he leaves.
The choice: Pain now, or pain later.
In the end, does it really matter? He's going to L.A. I am not. If I had to make a list of places that I absolutely would not want to live, L.A. would be on that list. It's highly unlikely that I will change my mind about that. His dream is not my dream, his plan not my plan. Well, I don't have a plan, per se, but I know that moving to L.A. is not something I want to do. And so I won't work against that to fit myself into his plan-- that seems so artificial. The ending is already written, and crying about it will not change anything. All of that logic, and does that help when you feel like you're falling apart? Not one bit. Last night, we decided to see other people in order to make it easier on each other when he goes. Rather, I suggested it, and he said he'd try it if that's what I wanted. I just don't see any other workable solution.
I'm sure that one day, I'll be able to objectively look back and say yes, that was the right conclusion to come to. Someday when the grief is past. But right now, all I have is sadness-- sadness and some bitterness.
So here I am, and everything is so uncertain. I am unspeakably sad-- things are irrevocably changed. Any activity that he and I shared, like swing dancing, which is one of my favorite things to do, will now be terribly awkward. Skyler is the best dance partner I've ever had-- he taught me much of what I know, and dancing with him always exhilarates me like a lightning shock. No one else feels the same. No one else is quite so electric. Protecting my own heart means not only distancing myself from someone I care deeply about, but his friends (some of whom I started to think of as my friends-- in fact, there are a few people who calm me and whose insight I value that I haven't spoken with simply because I don't want to put them in the middle), and his family, whom I love, as well. They made me feel a part of them-- I never felt like and outsider. It all leaves me with an overwhelming sense of loss.
Regardless, I know that I'm not emotionally capable of dedicating myself completely to a relationship that, like it or not, has a pre-set end date. That's terribly unfair, but it is what it is, and if I can't change the situation, I can at least be honest with regards to my feelings. My feelings are that I am far too attached to him to be able to be completely open and dedicated to this relationship as the end approaches, knowing that the train is on its way to crush me. I know myself well enough-- I'd probably get bitchy, touchy, angry, clingy, whiny, co-dependent, resentful. I would not be a pleasant person to be around, and I'd probably hate myself for reacting that way. I wouldn't be able to show love, tenderness, vulnerability. Sure, it all stems from fear and hurt, but it's a little too dead man walking for my taste. My heart does not operate on logic alone, and is likely to break spectacularly and terribly. The last time that happened, I was pretty nonfunctional for quite a long time. It's undoubtedly part self-preservation that I cannot commit total heart and soul to a relationship with an expiration date. That sounds so callous. I hate it.
Likewise, I'm also completely unable to set an arbitrary date to transition from committed-relationship girlfriend to fun gal-pal girl friend and be okay with it, as I was requested to do. It takes time and a little emotional distance for me to achieve that. I'm just not built that way-- I've done it in the past, but it took a few years before we were able to get there. Likewise, I cannot give one-month notice that I intend to end a relationship. This is a relationship, not a job, and even with a job, you only get two weeks' notice. What more could that one month be than misery and foreboding? I don't see anything positive that could result there-- it's just not realistic.
I realize that this can come off as selfish. I've accepted that. I am okay the way that I am, the way my heart works, and at least I can be realistic about the way I am likely to react. My experiences have shaped me to be that way. As a result, I can be ruthlessly independent, extraordinarily introverted beneath this outgoing mask of extraversion. I use humor to mask discomfort. I protect my heart because it gets attached so strongly. I am okay with that. It makes me human, and those are not "flaws" that I think need to be "fixed." At a certain point, continual suggestions that I read self-help books or accept help or go to workshops or go to therapy to "fix" them wears me down. Everyone has filters, everyone has traits that make them who they are. Those are some of mine-- at least I'm honest about them. As long as they actively cause no harm to others or put my life in danger, I can accept them. They may not be "logical", but honestly, that's not my problem.
To be honest, the very notion that I need to be "fixed" and the "I know best" attitude that comes along with it makes me obstinate and standoffish. It is what it is. I know that I get knee-jerk when it comes to change. I've been through many relationships wherein I've been asked to change things that are hallmark characteristics-- I've downplayed my sexuality, I've coated my words in sugar, I've put on happy faces when I've been dying inside. It all left me feeling disgusted with myself, as if I sold out. As if I betrayed myself. It makes me very resistant to what I see as unnecessary change. And a very tiny, bitter part of me is angry that I would have to change to grant reprieve to a relationship that will end regardless if I change or not. I could try my hardest and mold myself to whatever is best in his eyes, and it's still not going to change that he is moving away. He gets to go off and live his dream, and what do I get? I get to be alone, having poured my heart into a relationship with no future. It hurts too much to think about, and no self-help book is going to make that not true.
Regardless, I don't want to be the reason he doesn't go to L.A. That's been his dream long before I arrived on the scene. All of this does not change that I care so deeply for
him. All the hurt and cold and walls cannot change the love that exists underneath, which is ultimately making this so hard. It buries it a little, it covers it for a little while, but it can't erase it. I for one cannot say "you are the target of my frustration and therefore, I don't have to care." Because no, you don't have to care, but if you do care about someone, you care about him or her and his or her feelings whether or not you have to. Saying otherwise is a form of self-preservation, which is fine, but if you're going to be self-preserving and closed off in that way, please don't criticize my walls from behind the iron doors of your girded fortress. So the more correct thing to say is that while you do care, you don't have to acknowledge that you care, if we're saying what we actually mean. It makes it harder to relate to one another and breeds even more hurt, but it's understandable. Anyway, that's the way emotions work. Feelings are in the blood, not in the solution to a complex equation. People who care for one another should give comfort, understanding. Especially when the situation sucks all around. Which this completely and totally does. And it's nobody's fault. It just is what it is. Ideally, I should have started preparing for it when we started dating last year-- it's just that I don't tend to think years in advance, and when you meet someone wonderful and lovely, it's easy enough not to pay attention to the clouds on the horizon. Then again, we've covered that I'm not exactly ideal.
He's not showing me anything more than anger and frustration, brief bouts of tenderness followed by confusion and walls. I can understand the need to say hurtful things when you yourself are hurt, but please don't undermine me as a compassionate person. I didn't suggest this to cause pain, but to spare it in the long run. I know that it's all going to come out when he sits by himself to process, but right now I'm mostly confused, exasperated, hurt at being thought of as a user. I've intentionally been as self-sufficient as I humanly could because I didn't want to be thought of that way. Apparently, it wasn't enough. Maybe it was just a reaction to hurt. It probably was. I guess there's lots of stinging wounds all around. I wish there was some other solution that would benefit us both. I tried to think of one, I swear I did. I just don't know what else there is, what else we could consider.
I feel hollowed out. I feel like I failed at making yet another relationship that meant something to me successful, despite the fact that I am not responsible for the circumstances. I feel every synonym for "sorrow" in the thesaurus. From this point forward, the best I can manage is to be myself, to be honest, and to do my best to be compassionate.
I don't know what the future holds, but I desperately want to stop arguing and begin being good to each other again, whatever form that may take.
Comments disabled just because this is another case of me trying to work out my feelings by writing them out. I know that I have plenty of support, and I certainly don't want to cause a taking sides or a bashing situation. It's the circumstances that suck, not the people involved.
The choice: Hold fast to myself, to all of my strong points and flaws, accepting that who I am is wonderfully human and okay, or to change again-- this time for a relationship with no future, according to someone else's idea of what is "good for me."
The choice: Risk being alone by holding fast, potentially losing someone I care about very deeply, or grant a temporary reprieve to a relationship that still, unchangingly, will end when he leaves.
The choice: Pain now, or pain later.
In the end, does it really matter? He's going to L.A. I am not. If I had to make a list of places that I absolutely would not want to live, L.A. would be on that list. It's highly unlikely that I will change my mind about that. His dream is not my dream, his plan not my plan. Well, I don't have a plan, per se, but I know that moving to L.A. is not something I want to do. And so I won't work against that to fit myself into his plan-- that seems so artificial. The ending is already written, and crying about it will not change anything. All of that logic, and does that help when you feel like you're falling apart? Not one bit. Last night, we decided to see other people in order to make it easier on each other when he goes. Rather, I suggested it, and he said he'd try it if that's what I wanted. I just don't see any other workable solution.
I'm sure that one day, I'll be able to objectively look back and say yes, that was the right conclusion to come to. Someday when the grief is past. But right now, all I have is sadness-- sadness and some bitterness.
So here I am, and everything is so uncertain. I am unspeakably sad-- things are irrevocably changed. Any activity that he and I shared, like swing dancing, which is one of my favorite things to do, will now be terribly awkward. Skyler is the best dance partner I've ever had-- he taught me much of what I know, and dancing with him always exhilarates me like a lightning shock. No one else feels the same. No one else is quite so electric. Protecting my own heart means not only distancing myself from someone I care deeply about, but his friends (some of whom I started to think of as my friends-- in fact, there are a few people who calm me and whose insight I value that I haven't spoken with simply because I don't want to put them in the middle), and his family, whom I love, as well. They made me feel a part of them-- I never felt like and outsider. It all leaves me with an overwhelming sense of loss.
Regardless, I know that I'm not emotionally capable of dedicating myself completely to a relationship that, like it or not, has a pre-set end date. That's terribly unfair, but it is what it is, and if I can't change the situation, I can at least be honest with regards to my feelings. My feelings are that I am far too attached to him to be able to be completely open and dedicated to this relationship as the end approaches, knowing that the train is on its way to crush me. I know myself well enough-- I'd probably get bitchy, touchy, angry, clingy, whiny, co-dependent, resentful. I would not be a pleasant person to be around, and I'd probably hate myself for reacting that way. I wouldn't be able to show love, tenderness, vulnerability. Sure, it all stems from fear and hurt, but it's a little too dead man walking for my taste. My heart does not operate on logic alone, and is likely to break spectacularly and terribly. The last time that happened, I was pretty nonfunctional for quite a long time. It's undoubtedly part self-preservation that I cannot commit total heart and soul to a relationship with an expiration date. That sounds so callous. I hate it.
Likewise, I'm also completely unable to set an arbitrary date to transition from committed-relationship girlfriend to fun gal-pal girl friend and be okay with it, as I was requested to do. It takes time and a little emotional distance for me to achieve that. I'm just not built that way-- I've done it in the past, but it took a few years before we were able to get there. Likewise, I cannot give one-month notice that I intend to end a relationship. This is a relationship, not a job, and even with a job, you only get two weeks' notice. What more could that one month be than misery and foreboding? I don't see anything positive that could result there-- it's just not realistic.
I realize that this can come off as selfish. I've accepted that. I am okay the way that I am, the way my heart works, and at least I can be realistic about the way I am likely to react. My experiences have shaped me to be that way. As a result, I can be ruthlessly independent, extraordinarily introverted beneath this outgoing mask of extraversion. I use humor to mask discomfort. I protect my heart because it gets attached so strongly. I am okay with that. It makes me human, and those are not "flaws" that I think need to be "fixed." At a certain point, continual suggestions that I read self-help books or accept help or go to workshops or go to therapy to "fix" them wears me down. Everyone has filters, everyone has traits that make them who they are. Those are some of mine-- at least I'm honest about them. As long as they actively cause no harm to others or put my life in danger, I can accept them. They may not be "logical", but honestly, that's not my problem.
To be honest, the very notion that I need to be "fixed" and the "I know best" attitude that comes along with it makes me obstinate and standoffish. It is what it is. I know that I get knee-jerk when it comes to change. I've been through many relationships wherein I've been asked to change things that are hallmark characteristics-- I've downplayed my sexuality, I've coated my words in sugar, I've put on happy faces when I've been dying inside. It all left me feeling disgusted with myself, as if I sold out. As if I betrayed myself. It makes me very resistant to what I see as unnecessary change. And a very tiny, bitter part of me is angry that I would have to change to grant reprieve to a relationship that will end regardless if I change or not. I could try my hardest and mold myself to whatever is best in his eyes, and it's still not going to change that he is moving away. He gets to go off and live his dream, and what do I get? I get to be alone, having poured my heart into a relationship with no future. It hurts too much to think about, and no self-help book is going to make that not true.
Regardless, I don't want to be the reason he doesn't go to L.A. That's been his dream long before I arrived on the scene. All of this does not change that I care so deeply for
him. All the hurt and cold and walls cannot change the love that exists underneath, which is ultimately making this so hard. It buries it a little, it covers it for a little while, but it can't erase it. I for one cannot say "you are the target of my frustration and therefore, I don't have to care." Because no, you don't have to care, but if you do care about someone, you care about him or her and his or her feelings whether or not you have to. Saying otherwise is a form of self-preservation, which is fine, but if you're going to be self-preserving and closed off in that way, please don't criticize my walls from behind the iron doors of your girded fortress. So the more correct thing to say is that while you do care, you don't have to acknowledge that you care, if we're saying what we actually mean. It makes it harder to relate to one another and breeds even more hurt, but it's understandable. Anyway, that's the way emotions work. Feelings are in the blood, not in the solution to a complex equation. People who care for one another should give comfort, understanding. Especially when the situation sucks all around. Which this completely and totally does. And it's nobody's fault. It just is what it is. Ideally, I should have started preparing for it when we started dating last year-- it's just that I don't tend to think years in advance, and when you meet someone wonderful and lovely, it's easy enough not to pay attention to the clouds on the horizon. Then again, we've covered that I'm not exactly ideal.
He's not showing me anything more than anger and frustration, brief bouts of tenderness followed by confusion and walls. I can understand the need to say hurtful things when you yourself are hurt, but please don't undermine me as a compassionate person. I didn't suggest this to cause pain, but to spare it in the long run. I know that it's all going to come out when he sits by himself to process, but right now I'm mostly confused, exasperated, hurt at being thought of as a user. I've intentionally been as self-sufficient as I humanly could because I didn't want to be thought of that way. Apparently, it wasn't enough. Maybe it was just a reaction to hurt. It probably was. I guess there's lots of stinging wounds all around. I wish there was some other solution that would benefit us both. I tried to think of one, I swear I did. I just don't know what else there is, what else we could consider.
I feel hollowed out. I feel like I failed at making yet another relationship that meant something to me successful, despite the fact that I am not responsible for the circumstances. I feel every synonym for "sorrow" in the thesaurus. From this point forward, the best I can manage is to be myself, to be honest, and to do my best to be compassionate.
I don't know what the future holds, but I desperately want to stop arguing and begin being good to each other again, whatever form that may take.
Comments disabled just because this is another case of me trying to work out my feelings by writing them out. I know that I have plenty of support, and I certainly don't want to cause a taking sides or a bashing situation. It's the circumstances that suck, not the people involved.