Off the hinge.
I don't know exactly where to start with this.
I've felt so out of sorts lately. Alien in my own body. Disconnected.
I've been verging on tears at the slightest little thing for about two weeks now. I'll hear a song on the radio, and my eyes begin to water. I'll see a stranger who reminds me of someone I used to know, and suddenly my throat is so constricted that I have to remind myself to breathe.
I've woken up nauseous every morning, and for three days, I've been unable to shake this headache. It makes me miserable, snappish. So impatient. I sat up this morning, and the world spun before my eyes. I worried that I was going to be sick, and I very nearly was until I had a few bites of a bagel. I had to eat very slowly.
On top of that, my moods have are swinging from one extreme to the other so quickly that it makes my head spin. One moment, joking, the next, punching things and slapping walls. I've been taking everything so personally, coming down hard on myself because I don't know what to do about it. I worry about losing control. Even when I'm not in a bad mood, I've been feeling that I'm faking it. I'm just enough a part of the conversation so that it seems I'm just fine, when in reality, I'm spacing out. There is motion around me, the world blurring at the peripheral, but I just can't focus. I'm fumbling around in a haze, catching snippets of sound here, bright flashes of light there.
And I don't think I've ever felt so needy. I don't feel like I can get a handle on my own emotions-- I feel ridiculously like some helpless female, I feel like I'm being so unnecessarily dramatic. (I keep telling myself that I'm becoming one of those girls that causes eyeballs to roll. You know, so delicate, so affected. I don't like being a 'walk on eggshells' kind of girl.) It's so embarrassing to me. I feel like I should be better at this. Better able to hold it in, hold it back, suck it up and deal. This is only temporary.
It's not depression. It's synthetic emotion.
Medication has always been hard for me. I'm very sensitive to variation in temperature, diet, any small change. I don't take medications that often because they affect me so strongly. Case in point: half of a Tylenol PM will knock me out for thirteen hours or more, and then I'll be groggy for a day or two afterwards.
I should have known when I switched my birth control pill earlier this month that it would throw me completely out of whack. I was uninsured for a short period of time, and when you're uninsured, Ortho Tri-Cyclen is much cheaper than either of the lower-dosage pills I've been on (Triphasil 28 and Ortho Lo). What's happening is that my body is essentially simulating what it would be like if I were pregnant. I recognize the signs-- when I first went on the pill five years ago, I threw up almost every day for three months, it was such a shock to my system. And I'm not, by the way. Pregnant, I mean. Another fun side effect is that I'm thrice positive this month alone that I'm not with child. However, I'm so flooded with excess horomones that my body doesn't seem to recognize that.
I need to make an appointment just as soon as I get my insurance card. I'd love to go on NuvaRing-- since the horomones don't need to pass through the entire system to be effective, a much smaller dose is needed. I only hope that I can stick out the rest of the month before that happens. I can't take much more of this.
Anyway, I just wanted to reassure everyone who's been worried about me that this is only a temporary thing. I'll be completely fine once this is all sorted out. I just know I've been a little hard to deal with, so distant and unresponsive, and I'm sorry for that. It's not anyone's fault, and I'll be okay very soon.
I've felt so out of sorts lately. Alien in my own body. Disconnected.
I've been verging on tears at the slightest little thing for about two weeks now. I'll hear a song on the radio, and my eyes begin to water. I'll see a stranger who reminds me of someone I used to know, and suddenly my throat is so constricted that I have to remind myself to breathe.
I've woken up nauseous every morning, and for three days, I've been unable to shake this headache. It makes me miserable, snappish. So impatient. I sat up this morning, and the world spun before my eyes. I worried that I was going to be sick, and I very nearly was until I had a few bites of a bagel. I had to eat very slowly.
On top of that, my moods have are swinging from one extreme to the other so quickly that it makes my head spin. One moment, joking, the next, punching things and slapping walls. I've been taking everything so personally, coming down hard on myself because I don't know what to do about it. I worry about losing control. Even when I'm not in a bad mood, I've been feeling that I'm faking it. I'm just enough a part of the conversation so that it seems I'm just fine, when in reality, I'm spacing out. There is motion around me, the world blurring at the peripheral, but I just can't focus. I'm fumbling around in a haze, catching snippets of sound here, bright flashes of light there.
And I don't think I've ever felt so needy. I don't feel like I can get a handle on my own emotions-- I feel ridiculously like some helpless female, I feel like I'm being so unnecessarily dramatic. (I keep telling myself that I'm becoming one of those girls that causes eyeballs to roll. You know, so delicate, so affected. I don't like being a 'walk on eggshells' kind of girl.) It's so embarrassing to me. I feel like I should be better at this. Better able to hold it in, hold it back, suck it up and deal. This is only temporary.
It's not depression. It's synthetic emotion.
Medication has always been hard for me. I'm very sensitive to variation in temperature, diet, any small change. I don't take medications that often because they affect me so strongly. Case in point: half of a Tylenol PM will knock me out for thirteen hours or more, and then I'll be groggy for a day or two afterwards.
I should have known when I switched my birth control pill earlier this month that it would throw me completely out of whack. I was uninsured for a short period of time, and when you're uninsured, Ortho Tri-Cyclen is much cheaper than either of the lower-dosage pills I've been on (Triphasil 28 and Ortho Lo). What's happening is that my body is essentially simulating what it would be like if I were pregnant. I recognize the signs-- when I first went on the pill five years ago, I threw up almost every day for three months, it was such a shock to my system. And I'm not, by the way. Pregnant, I mean. Another fun side effect is that I'm thrice positive this month alone that I'm not with child. However, I'm so flooded with excess horomones that my body doesn't seem to recognize that.
I need to make an appointment just as soon as I get my insurance card. I'd love to go on NuvaRing-- since the horomones don't need to pass through the entire system to be effective, a much smaller dose is needed. I only hope that I can stick out the rest of the month before that happens. I can't take much more of this.
Anyway, I just wanted to reassure everyone who's been worried about me that this is only a temporary thing. I'll be completely fine once this is all sorted out. I just know I've been a little hard to deal with, so distant and unresponsive, and I'm sorry for that. It's not anyone's fault, and I'll be okay very soon.