Free Will Astrology for the week of October 20, 2005

Virgo:: It's high time for you to lose control--in the most constructive way possible, please. You can no longer afford to be as tightly wound as you've been lately. To get yourself in the mood for breakthroughs that will prevent breakdowns, consider carrying out some of the following acts. Fingerpaint on your TV screen. Dance on your bed, imitating a black bear that has drunk a bottle of vodka. Ask an intimate friend to use lipstick to write "I am inscrutable" on your belly. Have dinner with a person who makes you uncomfortable in an interesting way. Buy a bull penis walking stick at Bumsteer.com and use it on a stroll to the corner store. Write candid confessional letters to people from whom you've been hiding an important truth, but don't mail the letters.

A bull penis walking stick, he says. Here's me stifling the many funny but scathing comments I've had racing through my brain. My humor tends towards the bitter side at times.

I need to snap out of this. I've been so discontent lately. I feel like a plant that's not getting enough sunlight. I feel trapped in plastic. It's not enough.

On the bright side, I'm going to spend time with friends this week. Tomorrow, I'm helping Mike pick out clothes. Friday I'm dancing. Saturday I'm boozing with the girls in Annapolis. Sunday, I'm hanging around in Skyler's basement. Tuesday, Lauren and I are doing the makeover thing. Maybe I'll pick up a few things for myself. Short skirts. Bold slogans. Things like I used to wear before I started feeling like I had to pull back because I'm too hot-blooded. Too sexual. Too much. Fuck that.

I'm tired of playing it safe. It leads to me feeling unremarkable. Blended in. I'm left feeling like I'm waiting patiently, quietly, to be noticed. I hate myself for it. I'm not a bitter flower, delicate and wilting. I tried to show a softer side and forgot about everything else because I didn't want to be intimidating. I hid the spark, and it almost went away. It's only made me resentful. Of myself, of others. I should not feel ashamed to be sexual, because I am a sexual person. My needs are not selfish, and to acknowledge them is not selfish, either. I should not feel like I need to hold back because I might be intimidating. I shouldn't feel like I have to be a specific version of me just so I don't ruffle feathers.

I need to start cutting things out of my life that stifle me. They're nice and sweet and comforting, but they don't serve me any more. Crutches have no place in my life. I'm ready to be me again. I want to make other people uncomfortable.