Working things out in my head.
What makes a relationship work? It's a question that I've been asking myself over the last forever, struggling to figure out how I could have someone in my life that is by most accounts compatible for me, and yet I still find myself revisiting that question. For my purposes here, I am discussing a romantic relationship between two people, because that is the relationship that most often applies to me. That said, I'm not referring to anyone in particular in this entry-- just using this medium to help work out exactly what it is that I require in a relationship so that I can clearly put it into words in a way that I feel is rational and reasonable. I am not seeking an ideal. I am seeking something mature and functional.
I've heard that loyalty, honesty, commitment are the only things that you need to make a relationship work. I can see the merit in those, and yes, I do believe those things to be essential to a relationship in which I personally am happy. You cannot trust someone or let them in without loyalty or honesty. At the heart of loyalty is the need to know that there's someone in your corner, someone who sets you apart, someone who has your back when your deck of cards begins to fall. Honesty is nearly a given-- unless you're both looking at the same situation, I cannot see how you could ever hope to be happy or secure.
Depending on the discussed parameters of the relationship, commitment may also be included, but it depends on the relationship and those in it. Some do not feel the need to have a set commttment in order to have a functional relationship. It's a personal decision that every couple or triad or what have you must make for themselves.
But what else? That can't be everything. In my determination to find out exactly what it is in a relationship that makes me happy, I guess I should start out by weeding out what, to me, a good relationship is not.
A functional relationship is not one-sided. It is not a situation is which one partner relies overmuch on the other to the point where if he or she does not feel completely attended to by his or her partner, the world is falling down. On the other hand, a functional relationship is also not a co-dependent arrangement. You cannot have a leader and a follower, nor can you have two people who are too frightened to be independent that their own growth stagnates. A functional relationship begins with two people on equal footing. A functional relationship is a true romantic partnership.
A functional relationship, by a similar token, is not self-sacrificing. The partners must give equally of themselves. This may require that one partner give more if a situation calls for it, but consistent self-sacrifice only leads to jealousy and resentment.
That said, what makes a mature romantic relationship work?
A functional relationship is about two people equally listening and considering to the other's feelings. It is about not dismissing the other's point of view, but rather making the effort to understand why it is that person feels that way so that a solution may be reached in time. It is not about placation. It is about understanding each others' strengths and weaknesses, accepting those qualities, and helping each other to grow.
A functional relationship has depth. Chivalry and roses and sweet words are not to be discounted, because they are very important to making one's partner feel loved and attended to. However, if that's where the expectations end, the relationship is doomed. It will become a stagnant fairy tale with no real depth, because it is surface-level romance, which is not the same thing as a relationship. Real, living relationships require sweat and saline and blood to grow. They require tokens of affection, but profound substance as well. Little girls dream of white knights who will carry them off, who will wine and dine, who will send flowers and kiss them gently. They want confectioner's sugar and fairy dust. A woman needs some of that as well, but she also needs someone who will deepen the relationship beyond the surface expectations of romance. She requires a relationship that is sustaining on emotional and physical levels as well.
A functional relationship is one in which both partners feel wanted. No one likes to feel as though he or she is simply there. This is not to say that one should expect constant phone calls, emails, messages, or gifts bestowed. This is not it. However, feeling wanted is important, because again, not feeling wanted leads to jealousy and resentment, and a sense of being taken for granted. These things cause a relationship to cease to function.
A functional relationship requires a degree of sexual compatibility. No, healthy relationships are not all about sex. However, everyone involved needs to be on the same page. They need to make the effort to meet their partner's sexual needs so long as those needs are reasonable. Saying "it's not that important to me" is not particularly helpful, because it makes one partner feel dismissed. These are issues that can be solved with understanding and effort.
A functional relationship requires a time commitment. You cannot have trust, loyalty, feelings of being wanted, or the opportunity to mature without there being connection time in which to do so. This is the primary reason why prolonged long-distance relationships absolutely do not work for me. I need to feel connected by more than tokens. A time commitment does not mean that two people have to spend half the week together. It does, however, mean that an agreed-upon time is honored and respected as the amount of time in which two people need to forge a deep and meaningful connection. Brief phone conversations cannot establish this. A few hours here, a few hours there cannot establish this.
I will put it this way, if I may over-simplify. Nowadays, when we look to buy cars, some go for the flashy thing. Those people want something that will be fun, something that will look good. Others want that car to go the distance. To last. But that requires maintenance. It requires gas. You cannot consistently operate that car on minimal gas for a prolonged period of time-- all of the mechanical doodads will get screwed up and the car will stall out on the other side of the road. You won't even get to all of the other cool features you were looking forward to because the car won't even run. And if your car doesn't run, your ass is taking the bus.
Now, I realize that there will be times when gas prices go sky-high and you can't afford a whole lot of gas. However, those times can't be the standard.
All of that aside, I think that the biggest fear I have of relationships is that when I'm growing, I'm growing. When a hermit crab grows, it finds a bigger shell to accommodate itself. When a plant grows, it is moved to a larger pot. I don't want to feel as though I'm straining against my shell, straining against the walls of my pot. I want a relationship that will naturally grow, not one in which I feel constrained or compartmentalized. This is purely personal observation-- when I feel constrained, I tend towards feelings of depression. I tend towards feelings of frustration and hurt. I tend towards feelings of not being wanted in the way that I desperately want the other person. This is something that I need to work on. However, I also owe it to myself to fight for a relationship that is satisfying, or at least moving towards being satisfying. I owe it to myself to only commit myself to a relationship that is growing, deepening. That, I think, is the standard that I am setting for myself. It is not rose-colored or idealistic or simplistic, but it is reasonable and important to me.
Any thoughts, disagreements, or additions are welcomed. I only ask that you refrain from discussing my personal life, because this was a mostly analytical exercise for me.
I've heard that loyalty, honesty, commitment are the only things that you need to make a relationship work. I can see the merit in those, and yes, I do believe those things to be essential to a relationship in which I personally am happy. You cannot trust someone or let them in without loyalty or honesty. At the heart of loyalty is the need to know that there's someone in your corner, someone who sets you apart, someone who has your back when your deck of cards begins to fall. Honesty is nearly a given-- unless you're both looking at the same situation, I cannot see how you could ever hope to be happy or secure.
Depending on the discussed parameters of the relationship, commitment may also be included, but it depends on the relationship and those in it. Some do not feel the need to have a set commttment in order to have a functional relationship. It's a personal decision that every couple or triad or what have you must make for themselves.
But what else? That can't be everything. In my determination to find out exactly what it is in a relationship that makes me happy, I guess I should start out by weeding out what, to me, a good relationship is not.
A functional relationship is not one-sided. It is not a situation is which one partner relies overmuch on the other to the point where if he or she does not feel completely attended to by his or her partner, the world is falling down. On the other hand, a functional relationship is also not a co-dependent arrangement. You cannot have a leader and a follower, nor can you have two people who are too frightened to be independent that their own growth stagnates. A functional relationship begins with two people on equal footing. A functional relationship is a true romantic partnership.
A functional relationship, by a similar token, is not self-sacrificing. The partners must give equally of themselves. This may require that one partner give more if a situation calls for it, but consistent self-sacrifice only leads to jealousy and resentment.
That said, what makes a mature romantic relationship work?
A functional relationship is about two people equally listening and considering to the other's feelings. It is about not dismissing the other's point of view, but rather making the effort to understand why it is that person feels that way so that a solution may be reached in time. It is not about placation. It is about understanding each others' strengths and weaknesses, accepting those qualities, and helping each other to grow.
A functional relationship has depth. Chivalry and roses and sweet words are not to be discounted, because they are very important to making one's partner feel loved and attended to. However, if that's where the expectations end, the relationship is doomed. It will become a stagnant fairy tale with no real depth, because it is surface-level romance, which is not the same thing as a relationship. Real, living relationships require sweat and saline and blood to grow. They require tokens of affection, but profound substance as well. Little girls dream of white knights who will carry them off, who will wine and dine, who will send flowers and kiss them gently. They want confectioner's sugar and fairy dust. A woman needs some of that as well, but she also needs someone who will deepen the relationship beyond the surface expectations of romance. She requires a relationship that is sustaining on emotional and physical levels as well.
A functional relationship is one in which both partners feel wanted. No one likes to feel as though he or she is simply there. This is not to say that one should expect constant phone calls, emails, messages, or gifts bestowed. This is not it. However, feeling wanted is important, because again, not feeling wanted leads to jealousy and resentment, and a sense of being taken for granted. These things cause a relationship to cease to function.
A functional relationship requires a degree of sexual compatibility. No, healthy relationships are not all about sex. However, everyone involved needs to be on the same page. They need to make the effort to meet their partner's sexual needs so long as those needs are reasonable. Saying "it's not that important to me" is not particularly helpful, because it makes one partner feel dismissed. These are issues that can be solved with understanding and effort.
A functional relationship requires a time commitment. You cannot have trust, loyalty, feelings of being wanted, or the opportunity to mature without there being connection time in which to do so. This is the primary reason why prolonged long-distance relationships absolutely do not work for me. I need to feel connected by more than tokens. A time commitment does not mean that two people have to spend half the week together. It does, however, mean that an agreed-upon time is honored and respected as the amount of time in which two people need to forge a deep and meaningful connection. Brief phone conversations cannot establish this. A few hours here, a few hours there cannot establish this.
I will put it this way, if I may over-simplify. Nowadays, when we look to buy cars, some go for the flashy thing. Those people want something that will be fun, something that will look good. Others want that car to go the distance. To last. But that requires maintenance. It requires gas. You cannot consistently operate that car on minimal gas for a prolonged period of time-- all of the mechanical doodads will get screwed up and the car will stall out on the other side of the road. You won't even get to all of the other cool features you were looking forward to because the car won't even run. And if your car doesn't run, your ass is taking the bus.
Now, I realize that there will be times when gas prices go sky-high and you can't afford a whole lot of gas. However, those times can't be the standard.
All of that aside, I think that the biggest fear I have of relationships is that when I'm growing, I'm growing. When a hermit crab grows, it finds a bigger shell to accommodate itself. When a plant grows, it is moved to a larger pot. I don't want to feel as though I'm straining against my shell, straining against the walls of my pot. I want a relationship that will naturally grow, not one in which I feel constrained or compartmentalized. This is purely personal observation-- when I feel constrained, I tend towards feelings of depression. I tend towards feelings of frustration and hurt. I tend towards feelings of not being wanted in the way that I desperately want the other person. This is something that I need to work on. However, I also owe it to myself to fight for a relationship that is satisfying, or at least moving towards being satisfying. I owe it to myself to only commit myself to a relationship that is growing, deepening. That, I think, is the standard that I am setting for myself. It is not rose-colored or idealistic or simplistic, but it is reasonable and important to me.
Any thoughts, disagreements, or additions are welcomed. I only ask that you refrain from discussing my personal life, because this was a mostly analytical exercise for me.