When you can't walk, you crawl. At least crawling's getting somewhere.
I'm not back. Not really. I just wanted to take some time to talk to myself.
My self-esteem issues have to be dealt with, and soon. I need to stop holding myself to others' standards, wether those standards are merely perceived or blatantly stated.
When I was young, if I got more than two B's on any given report card, I was grounded. It wasn't acceptable-- only straight A's were acceptable. When my parents bickered and threw barbs at one another, I was the one who mediated, who absorbed the shock. Who lived out of a suitcase for years so that they could both feel like the other didn't have a leg up. I had to be the one who kept it together, I had to be so mature.
I think all of that instilled in me this frenetic need to be the best so that I could be enough. So that I could garner some kind of approval. It's always been a struggle with me, part of my Virgoan need for perfection.
And recently, things have gotten so hard. I've been cut off from my support system. I live with people who don't listen to me, who don't know how to comfort me. The aftermath of Katrina was devastating to watch-- I felt so helpless. My sister almost died last week. This week, we were threatened with guns. I took on a very large job with minimal training. I've had fun poked at my weight, and though I'm not a big person by any stretch of the imagination, that knowledge doesn't exactly help when your cheeks are burning red. So many things, and every time I try to get back up, it's something else.
I gave up for a minute. I got insecure, and I fell. A few months ago, I was the picture of confidence, but being perfect is a lot of pressure. Lately, my self-esteem has taken hit after hit, and it's a lot to deal with all at once. I started to wonder if I was going insane because I couldn't process it all at the same time.
I tried to talk to my mother because I needed to talk to someone who was physically present, who could hug me. Before I could even say what was wrong, she gave me a 5-minute lecture because she'd already made her mind up about what was wrong with me. She was wrong, of course. If you never listen, how can you ever hope to have some scope of the situation? She's never listened. When I got upset about that, she told me that I was being too dramatic. Mrs. "I lock myself in my bedroom for two days if I mistakenly perceive a slight" said that because I couldn't hold it in, and I started to cry in front of her. Again with the disconnect of imposed standards. I got up and went to my room. I didn't know what else to do.
Why do I feel that I am not good enough? I ask this of no one in particular, but of the voices in my head that keep saying "You should be a size 4, not a size 5. You should have a 3.8, not a 3.793. You should be perfectly capable of handling all issues at all times and your shoulders should not sag. You should be 23 out of 23. You should let problems roll off of you. And you should look good doing it."
And I try. But no one is perfect. No one is above self-examination, and I think more people should be held to the standards they set for others. I also need to stop worrying about other peoples' motives for stating those standards so blatantly-- why exactly then? Why in general? All of it. It's just really hurtful when I think of it, because I need to believe that there's a reason other than "because you're not good enough anymore." Rac said it only reads as another blow to my self esteem, and that's what it feels like, but it's the last thing I need to dwell on right now. I realize that that might sound somewhat hypocritical. But the bottom line is that whatever the actual reason, it hurts, and I need to rise above it. I need to have hope that it will all work out. That all that's good in me will shine brighter for it.
But then again, why should I have to be perfect? Why can't I have a few flaws? I'm a good person, a caring person. I'm attractive and smart and compassionate and funny and provocative and thoughtful and stronger than all of this. I will get through this and I will excell. I'm an attentive, loving partner, and I'm damn good in the sack. I'm complex and sometimes intense, and I think that's a good thing. When I screw up, I try to fix things as best as I can. I don't like to cause pain. When I fall, I pick myself up-- not necessarily immediately, but I do it in my own time. I'm growing and changing, feeling my way through this complex life thing. I have a good heart that is capable of being filled to the brim with love. Most of all, I'm real. That includes having some flaws.
That will have to be enough, because to me, that is more than good enough. I need to stop worrying if I'm good enough for person X, because the bottom line is that I'm good enough for myself. I don't need to be anyone's ideal this or that. All that I am is on the table.
Me, as I am. Me, as I strive to be. I can only be me, and I have to get back to being the strongest me that I can be. Heh. That rhymed.
So. What to do? First and foremost, I'm going to start picking myself up. It's going to be hard, but it needs to happen. I'm going to write out my own standards for myself, because those are the standards that matter. I'm going to rely on my remaining supports until my head is clear. If, by October 11th, when my driver's ed classes end, I don't feel significantly better, I'm going to start seeing a therapist. I just can't keep going on in this weakened state, not when I know that it's not who I really am. It's a hurdle, an obstacle, and I will overcome it. It will just take time and dedication.
Dear self: To quote Cordelia Chase, "whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it."
You're the girl in the short skirt and the long jacket, damn it. You need to remember that. Slayer, comma the.
My self-esteem issues have to be dealt with, and soon. I need to stop holding myself to others' standards, wether those standards are merely perceived or blatantly stated.
When I was young, if I got more than two B's on any given report card, I was grounded. It wasn't acceptable-- only straight A's were acceptable. When my parents bickered and threw barbs at one another, I was the one who mediated, who absorbed the shock. Who lived out of a suitcase for years so that they could both feel like the other didn't have a leg up. I had to be the one who kept it together, I had to be so mature.
I think all of that instilled in me this frenetic need to be the best so that I could be enough. So that I could garner some kind of approval. It's always been a struggle with me, part of my Virgoan need for perfection.
And recently, things have gotten so hard. I've been cut off from my support system. I live with people who don't listen to me, who don't know how to comfort me. The aftermath of Katrina was devastating to watch-- I felt so helpless. My sister almost died last week. This week, we were threatened with guns. I took on a very large job with minimal training. I've had fun poked at my weight, and though I'm not a big person by any stretch of the imagination, that knowledge doesn't exactly help when your cheeks are burning red. So many things, and every time I try to get back up, it's something else.
I gave up for a minute. I got insecure, and I fell. A few months ago, I was the picture of confidence, but being perfect is a lot of pressure. Lately, my self-esteem has taken hit after hit, and it's a lot to deal with all at once. I started to wonder if I was going insane because I couldn't process it all at the same time.
I tried to talk to my mother because I needed to talk to someone who was physically present, who could hug me. Before I could even say what was wrong, she gave me a 5-minute lecture because she'd already made her mind up about what was wrong with me. She was wrong, of course. If you never listen, how can you ever hope to have some scope of the situation? She's never listened. When I got upset about that, she told me that I was being too dramatic. Mrs. "I lock myself in my bedroom for two days if I mistakenly perceive a slight" said that because I couldn't hold it in, and I started to cry in front of her. Again with the disconnect of imposed standards. I got up and went to my room. I didn't know what else to do.
Why do I feel that I am not good enough? I ask this of no one in particular, but of the voices in my head that keep saying "You should be a size 4, not a size 5. You should have a 3.8, not a 3.793. You should be perfectly capable of handling all issues at all times and your shoulders should not sag. You should be 23 out of 23. You should let problems roll off of you. And you should look good doing it."
And I try. But no one is perfect. No one is above self-examination, and I think more people should be held to the standards they set for others. I also need to stop worrying about other peoples' motives for stating those standards so blatantly-- why exactly then? Why in general? All of it. It's just really hurtful when I think of it, because I need to believe that there's a reason other than "because you're not good enough anymore." Rac said it only reads as another blow to my self esteem, and that's what it feels like, but it's the last thing I need to dwell on right now. I realize that that might sound somewhat hypocritical. But the bottom line is that whatever the actual reason, it hurts, and I need to rise above it. I need to have hope that it will all work out. That all that's good in me will shine brighter for it.
But then again, why should I have to be perfect? Why can't I have a few flaws? I'm a good person, a caring person. I'm attractive and smart and compassionate and funny and provocative and thoughtful and stronger than all of this. I will get through this and I will excell. I'm an attentive, loving partner, and I'm damn good in the sack. I'm complex and sometimes intense, and I think that's a good thing. When I screw up, I try to fix things as best as I can. I don't like to cause pain. When I fall, I pick myself up-- not necessarily immediately, but I do it in my own time. I'm growing and changing, feeling my way through this complex life thing. I have a good heart that is capable of being filled to the brim with love. Most of all, I'm real. That includes having some flaws.
That will have to be enough, because to me, that is more than good enough. I need to stop worrying if I'm good enough for person X, because the bottom line is that I'm good enough for myself. I don't need to be anyone's ideal this or that. All that I am is on the table.
Me, as I am. Me, as I strive to be. I can only be me, and I have to get back to being the strongest me that I can be. Heh. That rhymed.
So. What to do? First and foremost, I'm going to start picking myself up. It's going to be hard, but it needs to happen. I'm going to write out my own standards for myself, because those are the standards that matter. I'm going to rely on my remaining supports until my head is clear. If, by October 11th, when my driver's ed classes end, I don't feel significantly better, I'm going to start seeing a therapist. I just can't keep going on in this weakened state, not when I know that it's not who I really am. It's a hurdle, an obstacle, and I will overcome it. It will just take time and dedication.
Dear self: To quote Cordelia Chase, "whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it."
You're the girl in the short skirt and the long jacket, damn it. You need to remember that. Slayer, comma the.