Thoughts on Closer [public version]-- No real spoilers, just my personal reactions.
I watched Closer last night. In short, ow.
I've had some of those conversations before. Bits and pieces, feeling laid bare, I've been that girl. She's not me, but I was once her. It was very hard to watch, much moreso than I expected. Eviscerating, reminding me of too many things. I wouldn't say that it was cathartic. It sticks with you, a razorblade under the skin.
"Why isn't love enough?"
It's hard not to get terribly disheartened after watching it. I suppose I've always been a hopeful person-- I cling to it, nourish it. I think that at times, that has been my saving grace. But it did put me in a very dark place, the part of me that retreats inside. I suppose that was its purpose.
"This is going to hurt."
Sometimes, love simply isn't enough. I drowned in love. I needed him like air-- it smothered me, blinded me. It pulled me open to see the pink ribbons inside. Before him, I was not me. I was cold, unthinking. There was Johnny, and he taught me how to hate. There was Ariel. She taught me how to regret, how to repent. And then I learned how to feel. It changed me, made me wish that I could revert to the simplicity of ice.
"Ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood."
And so it is. I don't know which was the more painful thing-- tasting something so very exquisite that to think of it was like looking into the sun, or the dissolution of that once-beautiful thing. To see it turned into daggers thrown. Angry words, bitter eyes. Well-hidden fear. "Was it good?" Spittle and tears, all brackish. All of it gone.
It's hard to remember that it was once so good. There have been pangs, here and there. Some of anger, some of regret. Remembering a specific bottle of wine, hearing a song that I knew would be prophetic long before it proved true.
And strange how through time we look the same
Your eyes and mine looking away
Too scared to see human remains
Soon enough, soon enough this will all be a memory
Soon enough, soon enough this will fade like a photograph
of you and me
I'm not sure when my moment was. The moment I knew it wouldn't work because we were too different and so much the same. It wasn't Rachel. Not explicitly. Yes, I wanted her-- but I did not love her. I knew that from the moment I kissed her perfect seashell skin. That's something funny about me. One kiss, and I know. I know if someone is right. If I could love them.
She was beautiful. She was so flawed. It was not for her flaws that I could not love her, but they made her so fragile, like beach glass.
I think it was everything that came after. The deceit, the testing. I felt so broken. I held on-- hope does that. I think my moment was the moment I woke up. And I let it go.
I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in
May god’s love be with you always
So. Back to the movie. It was good. Great acting, very good script. Unusually honest, straightforward. Unflinching. The kind of movie that makes you take a hard look at things you've locked away. And for that, I'll probably watch it again, if only to see things that I missed while I was having my personal gut reaction. But work calls-- I have to go.
ETA-- In my unlocking process, this is the public, abridged version of a very private entry I made.
I've had some of those conversations before. Bits and pieces, feeling laid bare, I've been that girl. She's not me, but I was once her. It was very hard to watch, much moreso than I expected. Eviscerating, reminding me of too many things. I wouldn't say that it was cathartic. It sticks with you, a razorblade under the skin.
"Why isn't love enough?"
It's hard not to get terribly disheartened after watching it. I suppose I've always been a hopeful person-- I cling to it, nourish it. I think that at times, that has been my saving grace. But it did put me in a very dark place, the part of me that retreats inside. I suppose that was its purpose.
"This is going to hurt."
Sometimes, love simply isn't enough. I drowned in love. I needed him like air-- it smothered me, blinded me. It pulled me open to see the pink ribbons inside. Before him, I was not me. I was cold, unthinking. There was Johnny, and he taught me how to hate. There was Ariel. She taught me how to regret, how to repent. And then I learned how to feel. It changed me, made me wish that I could revert to the simplicity of ice.
"Ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood."
And so it is. I don't know which was the more painful thing-- tasting something so very exquisite that to think of it was like looking into the sun, or the dissolution of that once-beautiful thing. To see it turned into daggers thrown. Angry words, bitter eyes. Well-hidden fear. "Was it good?" Spittle and tears, all brackish. All of it gone.
It's hard to remember that it was once so good. There have been pangs, here and there. Some of anger, some of regret. Remembering a specific bottle of wine, hearing a song that I knew would be prophetic long before it proved true.
And strange how through time we look the same
Your eyes and mine looking away
Too scared to see human remains
Soon enough, soon enough this will all be a memory
Soon enough, soon enough this will fade like a photograph
of you and me
I'm not sure when my moment was. The moment I knew it wouldn't work because we were too different and so much the same. It wasn't Rachel. Not explicitly. Yes, I wanted her-- but I did not love her. I knew that from the moment I kissed her perfect seashell skin. That's something funny about me. One kiss, and I know. I know if someone is right. If I could love them.
She was beautiful. She was so flawed. It was not for her flaws that I could not love her, but they made her so fragile, like beach glass.
I think it was everything that came after. The deceit, the testing. I felt so broken. I held on-- hope does that. I think my moment was the moment I woke up. And I let it go.
I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in
May god’s love be with you always
So. Back to the movie. It was good. Great acting, very good script. Unusually honest, straightforward. Unflinching. The kind of movie that makes you take a hard look at things you've locked away. And for that, I'll probably watch it again, if only to see things that I missed while I was having my personal gut reaction. But work calls-- I have to go.
ETA-- In my unlocking process, this is the public, abridged version of a very private entry I made.