The State of the Christina: August 2004 edition
It's been a long two weeks, but training is almost over. Tonight is the official closing banquet, but freshmen orientation activities begin tomorrow, bright and early at 7:45.
I think I've grown more personally in the past two weeks than I did all year. I've had to re-evaluate myself very closely. I've had to think about close relationships in ways that were extremely upsetting, and that process is not finished yet. I'm trying to find ways to live immediately, to live now, and still hold on to the things that mean a great deal to me. I need to see the world around me more fully and live it rather than planning for a future right now, because otherwise I'm just wasting now. I'm still figuring out exactly what that means, and it's overall a very long and agonizing process. It's not fun, but if I'm going to be honest with myself and with those I love, it's something that must be done.
It's been so so hard, and at times I've felt like I was going under. I've cried a lot, I've wanted to be anywhere but in my own skin. I can't begin to be clear to others when I'm still confusing myself. I didn't want to hurt anyone else with my admissions, but I did, and I don't know how to right it. But things will be okay, I know that much, and we're working on a more open dialogue. Like someone says, my relationships have a tendency to build, break, and reform stronger. If they don't re-form, they aren't going to withstand the future. We're re-forming. The vibe might change a bit, but honesty and forthrightness are necessary. It's just so hard because as much as I want to have the strongest foundation for a relationships, in the heat of conflict, I find myself wanting to apologize my feelings away and kiss to ignore it and stabilize things immediately. I can't, though. It's not in our best interest.
Training has also given me a lot of support. I've been under incredible stress with that alone, and at times I didn't have the time to eat to get the things that needed to be done squared away. I've never been a particularly group-oriented person. I do my job because I care about being all that an RA stands for, even if most of the time, I'm being a take-names bitch because that's what my area tends to require. But really? I care. I've been in situations that have made a difference, and I know that's what I should be doing.
But I'm not necessarily the one who makes people laugh or the one that gives hugs, or a popular favorite. I am, however, the experienced one that people turn to for advice on the job, and the one called for backup. In a group, that sometimes feels like an auxiliary role because as much as I can handle attention from friends, in a group situation, I'd rather be a support, a tactician, a resource. When I'm not adding something technical to the conversation, I tend to hang back. Also? I've been told that I'm intimidating, so naturally, I've never actually been named RA of the year. I've been an RA for three years, and never once have I gotten a specialized award other than a paper-plate award with "Most Unique" carefully inscribed in pink marker. It's just the way things go sometimes. I know my role is just as important, even if it may not be the most visible.
This training, I got a lot of positive feedback. We did one final group activity where everyone closed their eyes and tilted their head down. Volunteers were selected about four at a time, and one of the bosses would call out something like "tap someone who taught you something new," or "tap someone whom you admire," and so on. I very rarely got tapped for "you make me laugh" or "always has a positive attitude," but I got more than I expected to when the volunteers asked "who would you have not survived training without" and "who do you respect as an RA role model." It was nice, the recognition.
Freshman orientation is almost upon us here on the Hill, and so I'm actively trying to get more involved. Instead of being on duty the night that the RAs must accompany the freshmen to the Four Seasons sports complex (as I have been the last two years), I'm forcing myself out with my staff, mini-golf or no mini-golf. And then book rush begins at the bookstore-- it will be a good two weeks before I catch my breath.
I'm sorry that I haven't been actively reading my friendslist lately. I've had a lot on my plate. I'm sure you all understand, because you're wonderful like that.
And also-- my birthday is Sept. 18th. I don't know what we're doing yet, but should we go clubbing or whatnot, I'll post the locale so if you happen to be nearby Baltimore and want to come, you can see the 21st birthday hijinks.
That Frou Frou song, "Let Go," has been playing continuously from Heather's room for three days. It's oddly fitting, so comforting. Things will turn out okay.
I think I've grown more personally in the past two weeks than I did all year. I've had to re-evaluate myself very closely. I've had to think about close relationships in ways that were extremely upsetting, and that process is not finished yet. I'm trying to find ways to live immediately, to live now, and still hold on to the things that mean a great deal to me. I need to see the world around me more fully and live it rather than planning for a future right now, because otherwise I'm just wasting now. I'm still figuring out exactly what that means, and it's overall a very long and agonizing process. It's not fun, but if I'm going to be honest with myself and with those I love, it's something that must be done.
It's been so so hard, and at times I've felt like I was going under. I've cried a lot, I've wanted to be anywhere but in my own skin. I can't begin to be clear to others when I'm still confusing myself. I didn't want to hurt anyone else with my admissions, but I did, and I don't know how to right it. But things will be okay, I know that much, and we're working on a more open dialogue. Like someone says, my relationships have a tendency to build, break, and reform stronger. If they don't re-form, they aren't going to withstand the future. We're re-forming. The vibe might change a bit, but honesty and forthrightness are necessary. It's just so hard because as much as I want to have the strongest foundation for a relationships, in the heat of conflict, I find myself wanting to apologize my feelings away and kiss to ignore it and stabilize things immediately. I can't, though. It's not in our best interest.
Training has also given me a lot of support. I've been under incredible stress with that alone, and at times I didn't have the time to eat to get the things that needed to be done squared away. I've never been a particularly group-oriented person. I do my job because I care about being all that an RA stands for, even if most of the time, I'm being a take-names bitch because that's what my area tends to require. But really? I care. I've been in situations that have made a difference, and I know that's what I should be doing.
But I'm not necessarily the one who makes people laugh or the one that gives hugs, or a popular favorite. I am, however, the experienced one that people turn to for advice on the job, and the one called for backup. In a group, that sometimes feels like an auxiliary role because as much as I can handle attention from friends, in a group situation, I'd rather be a support, a tactician, a resource. When I'm not adding something technical to the conversation, I tend to hang back. Also? I've been told that I'm intimidating, so naturally, I've never actually been named RA of the year. I've been an RA for three years, and never once have I gotten a specialized award other than a paper-plate award with "Most Unique" carefully inscribed in pink marker. It's just the way things go sometimes. I know my role is just as important, even if it may not be the most visible.
This training, I got a lot of positive feedback. We did one final group activity where everyone closed their eyes and tilted their head down. Volunteers were selected about four at a time, and one of the bosses would call out something like "tap someone who taught you something new," or "tap someone whom you admire," and so on. I very rarely got tapped for "you make me laugh" or "always has a positive attitude," but I got more than I expected to when the volunteers asked "who would you have not survived training without" and "who do you respect as an RA role model." It was nice, the recognition.
Freshman orientation is almost upon us here on the Hill, and so I'm actively trying to get more involved. Instead of being on duty the night that the RAs must accompany the freshmen to the Four Seasons sports complex (as I have been the last two years), I'm forcing myself out with my staff, mini-golf or no mini-golf. And then book rush begins at the bookstore-- it will be a good two weeks before I catch my breath.
I'm sorry that I haven't been actively reading my friendslist lately. I've had a lot on my plate. I'm sure you all understand, because you're wonderful like that.
And also-- my birthday is Sept. 18th. I don't know what we're doing yet, but should we go clubbing or whatnot, I'll post the locale so if you happen to be nearby Baltimore and want to come, you can see the 21st birthday hijinks.
That Frou Frou song, "Let Go," has been playing continuously from Heather's room for three days. It's oddly fitting, so comforting. Things will turn out okay.