Still not really back. Still working a lot of things out. Still have a lot of things on my mind and I'll talk about them when I'm ready. Will likely not be posting a lot, but figured I'd do a week-in-review as this is still my journal, and without that outlet, I get itchy.
( Week in review.Collapse )
Hiatus/Headspace: I took a break from the internet because I was on the verge of saying a lot of things I didn't want around for posterity. I live a fairly public life; for the most part, this has had very little negativity attached to it. A couple of quickly-solved kerfluffles, a few unreasonably vicious anonymous comments. Nothing that has come close to outweighing the positive aspects of keeping this journal mostly public. I used to journal almost exclusively in hardcopy, but when I went away to college, I started a blog as a way of keeping in touch with people without having to write the same emails all the time. Somehow, it morphed into my own personal corner of the web, the place where I recorded my own life mostly for my own recollection. But LJ is also an awesome community tool, and I have met several people through it that I would not have met otherwise. It lets me keep in touch with people I care about and read about interesting goings on.
Unfortunately, it has also heightened my awareness that being open means that others often feel entitled to comment on my life, give me unasked-for advice, and be critical in ways they probably wouldn't necessarily be in person. When you're talking to a computer screen, you're not talking to someone's face, and that simple gap often means a bit less sensitivity than is warranted (and I'm guilty of this myself, at times). Of course, this can also bleed over into Real Life, and when I was getting little jabs there as well, I needed a serious time-out from people. It was all small, relatively minor stuff that was easily taken care of individually-- but all at once in such a short period of time, I had simply reached my patience and diplomacy limit and had to put myself into time-out. I am still not done with time out. I have been biting my tongue on several things because I don't trust myself to address them with anything approaching polite courtesy just yet.
So I spent a few days by myself, being a little bit emo. Not answering emails, not really taking calls, just being alone and figuring out what I wanted. And then I got angry. To paraphrase a vitriolic post that I quickly made private, I think I'm fine as-is. I'm a kind person. I'm a considerate person. I'm a friendly, social person. I'm a dedicated person. But I am not without flaws-- I am occasionally forgetful, many find my humor too brash, I occasionally get absorbed in my own life, my tone gets short when I'm irritated, and my forthrightness could stand to be tempered with a little more consideration at times. But, y'know, let he without those sins throw the first stone. I work on my flaws when I can, but also keep in mind when a jab is just someone else being peevish and thoughtless. It's hard for me, though-- I come from an upbringing where I was told I was never good enough, and so I tend to give insensitive comments more weight than they're necessarily worth. My skin is not always as thick as I would like it to be. In other words, I think I'm pretty normal. I like me. And if I'm not your particular acquired taste-- if you think I talk too much, or talk to little, or talk too roughly, or talk too eloquently-- please feel free to dine elsewhere. I'm finally to the point where I really like who I am, and I'm at home with my own standards for myself. I realize that I can't be anyone else's ideal, and the only ideal worth attempting is my own. I'm done with changing to suit other peoples' sensibilities, and yes, that includes you. I don't need or desire your validation, good-intentioned though it may be. Along those lines, nothing will ever be enough for some, and I don't need your sermons or pointed lectures. Keep 'em up, and I'll hand you a pack of nails and directions to Calvary. I'm aware that I may lose friends and acquaintances over this, and I accept it. But I gotta do it, so I am.
I also spent some time thinking about friends. Specifically that I have a lot of friends and acquaintances; I am immensely lucky and grateful in this regard. I know a lot of cool people who do a lot of cool and unique things, and I'm proud to count them among people I know and am on friendly terms with. I also have a small core group of friends with whom I could trust my life-- they screw my head on straight when it's a bit lopsided, they give the best hugs in the world, they babysit my sick ass when I'm deadly ill. They see me at my best and at my worst. And I've been thinking about time spent with friends; I am spread too thinly right now. Some friendships are not as strong as they once were, and that's one of the reasons. Others I have tried to keep the lifeline afloat-- there are people I haven't seen in a year that I try to extend invitations to that never seem to work out for one reason or another. And there comes a point where the line has to be let go. So I am-- that energy can certainly be best used elsewhere, strengthening relationships with those who seem to want them. If there comes a time in the future where the energy and desire is there, they can always be rekindled. Also, I am setting new boundaries in other friendships that I think will be more healthy for me.
Anyhow, that's how I am. Low on social energy, and I'll be taking the time for myself as long as I need to. That's about it.
( Week in review.Collapse )
Hiatus/Headspace: I took a break from the internet because I was on the verge of saying a lot of things I didn't want around for posterity. I live a fairly public life; for the most part, this has had very little negativity attached to it. A couple of quickly-solved kerfluffles, a few unreasonably vicious anonymous comments. Nothing that has come close to outweighing the positive aspects of keeping this journal mostly public. I used to journal almost exclusively in hardcopy, but when I went away to college, I started a blog as a way of keeping in touch with people without having to write the same emails all the time. Somehow, it morphed into my own personal corner of the web, the place where I recorded my own life mostly for my own recollection. But LJ is also an awesome community tool, and I have met several people through it that I would not have met otherwise. It lets me keep in touch with people I care about and read about interesting goings on.
Unfortunately, it has also heightened my awareness that being open means that others often feel entitled to comment on my life, give me unasked-for advice, and be critical in ways they probably wouldn't necessarily be in person. When you're talking to a computer screen, you're not talking to someone's face, and that simple gap often means a bit less sensitivity than is warranted (and I'm guilty of this myself, at times). Of course, this can also bleed over into Real Life, and when I was getting little jabs there as well, I needed a serious time-out from people. It was all small, relatively minor stuff that was easily taken care of individually-- but all at once in such a short period of time, I had simply reached my patience and diplomacy limit and had to put myself into time-out. I am still not done with time out. I have been biting my tongue on several things because I don't trust myself to address them with anything approaching polite courtesy just yet.
So I spent a few days by myself, being a little bit emo. Not answering emails, not really taking calls, just being alone and figuring out what I wanted. And then I got angry. To paraphrase a vitriolic post that I quickly made private, I think I'm fine as-is. I'm a kind person. I'm a considerate person. I'm a friendly, social person. I'm a dedicated person. But I am not without flaws-- I am occasionally forgetful, many find my humor too brash, I occasionally get absorbed in my own life, my tone gets short when I'm irritated, and my forthrightness could stand to be tempered with a little more consideration at times. But, y'know, let he without those sins throw the first stone. I work on my flaws when I can, but also keep in mind when a jab is just someone else being peevish and thoughtless. It's hard for me, though-- I come from an upbringing where I was told I was never good enough, and so I tend to give insensitive comments more weight than they're necessarily worth. My skin is not always as thick as I would like it to be. In other words, I think I'm pretty normal. I like me. And if I'm not your particular acquired taste-- if you think I talk too much, or talk to little, or talk too roughly, or talk too eloquently-- please feel free to dine elsewhere. I'm finally to the point where I really like who I am, and I'm at home with my own standards for myself. I realize that I can't be anyone else's ideal, and the only ideal worth attempting is my own. I'm done with changing to suit other peoples' sensibilities, and yes, that includes you. I don't need or desire your validation, good-intentioned though it may be. Along those lines, nothing will ever be enough for some, and I don't need your sermons or pointed lectures. Keep 'em up, and I'll hand you a pack of nails and directions to Calvary. I'm aware that I may lose friends and acquaintances over this, and I accept it. But I gotta do it, so I am.
I also spent some time thinking about friends. Specifically that I have a lot of friends and acquaintances; I am immensely lucky and grateful in this regard. I know a lot of cool people who do a lot of cool and unique things, and I'm proud to count them among people I know and am on friendly terms with. I also have a small core group of friends with whom I could trust my life-- they screw my head on straight when it's a bit lopsided, they give the best hugs in the world, they babysit my sick ass when I'm deadly ill. They see me at my best and at my worst. And I've been thinking about time spent with friends; I am spread too thinly right now. Some friendships are not as strong as they once were, and that's one of the reasons. Others I have tried to keep the lifeline afloat-- there are people I haven't seen in a year that I try to extend invitations to that never seem to work out for one reason or another. And there comes a point where the line has to be let go. So I am-- that energy can certainly be best used elsewhere, strengthening relationships with those who seem to want them. If there comes a time in the future where the energy and desire is there, they can always be rekindled. Also, I am setting new boundaries in other friendships that I think will be more healthy for me.
Anyhow, that's how I am. Low on social energy, and I'll be taking the time for myself as long as I need to. That's about it.
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