Dear universe,

I know that I said that I'd probably lay off the dating for a bit. You just laid a triple-whammy on me, okay? I am fully prepared to cool my heels and focus on my dancing and internal work.

Why, then, do you keep sending potential dates my way? I know I'm a little bit under the weather right now. Is it the stack of wadded tissues that people find so damn irresistible? Seriously?

Much love,
Christina

I've been single now for two weeks. The offers are starting to trickle in. Friends of coworkers, friends of friends, random people. Some really attractive and interesting people. I've gotten lots of invites to parties, happenings, and have found myself in a few places in the past week that I never would have imagined a few months ago. It feels-- weird. I mean, for a really long time, I shrugged off the bulk of the attention I got because I was in a relationship, and that was that. In fact, I can honestly say that if I did any flirting, my partner was usually there, and it was clear that he was my partner and boundaries are boundaries, etcetera. Integrity and all that. Generally, if I got asked out, I smiled and said thanks, but I couldn't accept because I had a boyfriend. Well. I don't anymore. And suddenly, dealing with the attention is a whole other ballpark. Fuck, even my counselor is telling me to date.

So I'm faced with this-- how do I date without using someone as a crutch? Because there's a hole left by a relationship that ended very unexpectedly, and the last thing I want to do is shove some poor unsuspecting person in to fill it instead of letting it heal over. That's stupid and unfair to both that person and to me, because I'm shortchanging myself work that truly needs to be done. Is it even possible to date while letting that wound heal? These are the things I'm asking myself. At any rate, I have got to dig myself out of the immediate reaction zone. This is permanent. There are definitely good reasons for me to be done with that relationship. And so it's time to focus on the next section of my life.

Step one: cleaning my room. I have barely touched it since I moved back in, and as a result, I have vaguely organized boxes and piles all over the place. Time to set up my space so that when the time comes, I can have somebody up without embarrassment. Ahem. (Also, while I was doing my sheets, I found a wine stain on my mattress and LOLed for like, three minutes. 'Cause yeah. Good times.)

Step two: making my outsides match my insides. I don't know about you, but I think I'm a pretty good catch. And breakup-land isn't really an attractive place to be. Uncombed hair, puffy eyes, red nose-- kind of not hot. So. I bought two hot pairs of heeled, knee-high boots. A pair of jeans that make my ass look fantastic. A hot bra-top number that goes va-voom. I am adding to the arsenal of hotness. I've dropped seven pounds and my curves are rockin'. My hair's faded to this awesome shiny gold color. It's not like I'm going to sit around twiddling my thumbs wondering who will ever want me.

Step three: more time out with friends. Did I mention the tons of crazy offers I've gotten lately? I now know what a pro-Domme is. Just sayin'. I have tons of friends from all walks of life who have very interesting hobbies and want me to hang out with them. I have variety in my life, and I have lots of love. I'm going to take Bart's advice and find the things I liked about my partner in a lot of people, and one day, someone will come along who has it all. But for now? Sci-fi geekdom with my geeky friends. Dancing at the Avalon with Bridget, Chris, and Sarah. And maybe Anna's hot dancer roommate dude. You know, the one with the arms. Bellydance with Flissy, since we're stepping up our game and will be performing in the near future. Clubbing and chilling with movies with Ariel. Wine tasting with Sarah. Top-Model-ing with Agnes (and maybe Russell-- he joked about it to me last week!) The list goes on. I am not hurting for opportunity.

Step four: journaling progress and making me-time. 'Nuff said.

Step five: re-evaluating my relationship criteria. I've already added one item to the list. You'd think it'd be obvious, but I guess some people really need it spelled out. And looking at that list again was good for me. I will be ready when the next person worthy of it comes along.

So, here I go. I work on myself. Really and truly. I balance internal work with external work-- becoming once more that awesome chick that turns heads and takes names. Because you know what? I'm not replaceable. I'm someone that I'm proud of, and damned if I don't have high standards. I have the ability to find a mature, amazing partner who can match me measure for measure and challenge me in all of the best ways. I do not have to settle. Fuck this moping bullshit. Time to get on with my life.