I've had some quality sitting and thinking time tonight. Stasis time.
I thought a lot about how, in the past year, I have been gifted with almost miraculous guestures of friendship. When I needed help, and I mean honestly needed it, the might slip without it kind of help, someone has always been there to prop me back up, put a warm drink in my hands, and push me back onto the path. A phone call, a note, a trinket in the mail. Advice on how to fix that new fist-shaped hole in the wall. And it hasn't always come from an expected source-- family, old friends, an established relationship. I've had new friendships, strong friendships, blossom from the most unexpected places.
It got me thinking about the kind of friend I want to be. I've been so mired down in my own shit that I've been more or less relentlessly self-focused. Depression is its own peculiar kind of paralysis. It takes a lot of energy to slap a happy face on and tell a dirty joke when you feel so small and sad. It took most of my energy just to be the Christina that people expected me to be, because I didn't feel like that person at all. I still don't feel like her all the time, but I'm working to get her back.
It's a process. But the bottom line is that I've received a boatload of grace this year, and I've not yet paid it back. And I know that most would say that I should have to pay it back-- it is grace afterall. But then there's there's that thing where I have a hard time accepting gifts because I feel so guilty if I don't have anything to give in return. So. I'm getting it together, finally, in a way that's not just throwing a happy face on a burning mess. And that means that I should be better off to give back, to reciprocate some of the kindness I've been shown. I'll put some packages in the mail, I'll write some letters, I'll make some calls. I'll be the kind of friend that I've been god-blessed lucky enough to have.
Anyway, that is my thought for the night. It's late, and I think I'm going to turn in early.
I thought a lot about how, in the past year, I have been gifted with almost miraculous guestures of friendship. When I needed help, and I mean honestly needed it, the might slip without it kind of help, someone has always been there to prop me back up, put a warm drink in my hands, and push me back onto the path. A phone call, a note, a trinket in the mail. Advice on how to fix that new fist-shaped hole in the wall. And it hasn't always come from an expected source-- family, old friends, an established relationship. I've had new friendships, strong friendships, blossom from the most unexpected places.
It got me thinking about the kind of friend I want to be. I've been so mired down in my own shit that I've been more or less relentlessly self-focused. Depression is its own peculiar kind of paralysis. It takes a lot of energy to slap a happy face on and tell a dirty joke when you feel so small and sad. It took most of my energy just to be the Christina that people expected me to be, because I didn't feel like that person at all. I still don't feel like her all the time, but I'm working to get her back.
It's a process. But the bottom line is that I've received a boatload of grace this year, and I've not yet paid it back. And I know that most would say that I should have to pay it back-- it is grace afterall. But then there's there's that thing where I have a hard time accepting gifts because I feel so guilty if I don't have anything to give in return. So. I'm getting it together, finally, in a way that's not just throwing a happy face on a burning mess. And that means that I should be better off to give back, to reciprocate some of the kindness I've been shown. I'll put some packages in the mail, I'll write some letters, I'll make some calls. I'll be the kind of friend that I've been god-blessed lucky enough to have.
Anyway, that is my thought for the night. It's late, and I think I'm going to turn in early.