Imagine:: you are a foot soldier in a paramilitary group whose purpose is to remake America as a Christian theocracy, and establish its worldly vision of the dominion of Christ over all aspects of life. You are issued high-tech military weaponry, and instructed to engage the infidel on the streets of New York City. You are on a mission - both a religious mission and a military mission -- to convert or kill Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, gays, and anyone who advocates the separation of church and state - especially moderate, mainstream Christians. Your mission is "to conduct physical and spiritual warfare"; all who resist must be taken out with extreme prejudice. You have never felt so powerful, so driven by a purpose: you are 13 years old. You are playing a real-time strategy video game whose creators are linked to the empire of mega-church pastor Rick Warren, best selling author of The Purpose Driven Life.

No, really.

Remember how Hitler Jugend used games to indocrinate their recruits? I'm just sayin'.

In fall of 2004, I took a Shakespeare class with beloved, zany Dr. LeRoy "Party to the edge of" Panek. In light of having a whole new group of Shakespeare appreciating friends, I present to you:

Dr. Panek's Thoughts on Shakespeare.

Re: Henry V:: "To be a legitimate king in England, all you have to do is beat the snot out of France."

Re: As You Like It:: "Assume that the person you're in love with is the only person right for you in all the world-- well, you haven't met everyone in the world! It's an egregious bowl of crap!"

Re: Henry IV, Pt. 1:: "He can choose not to be king. He can choose to say, 'Screw you guys, I'm going home!'"

Re: pre-Shakespearean sonnets:: "In essence, Petrarch's sonnets are kinda like country-western music..." "So, sadistic women, machochistic men. It's kinda like porn."

Re: Pre-and-early Shakesperean comedy:: "They're attacked by pirates. They throw the guy into the Agean sea because they're not those kinds of pirates, but they do keep the girl. And then in the deep forest, you have satyrs dragging women off to do it horsey-style."

Re: the Black Plague and the advent of Shakespearean comedy:: "Shakespeare's all like, 'Yay, I made it! I'm not dead! Now I'm going to write comedies where people turn into birds and aardvarks and shit!'"

Re: A Midsummer Night's Dream:: "The play kind of begins with a Mickey & Sylvia theme between Theseus and Hippolyta. Anybody seen Dirty Dancing?"

Re: Shakespearean tragic heroes:: "Othello's tragic flaw is jealousy. Macbeth's tragic flaw is ambition. King Lear's tragic flaw is that he's frikkin' old. Who is the hero of Julius Caesar? Certainly not the title character-- he gets turned into an Italian colander halfway through the play."

And of course, the final exam. ( My essay responses under the cut.Collapse )

I got an A. I was pretty pleased.