So. Yesterday night sucked beyond the telling of it. In short, the walk from the bus stop to my house was 45 minutes, after a half-hour bus ride. It was 23 degrees outside. The way was very poorly lit. There were no sidewalks. Also, it's pretty telling that I grew up walking around the city by myself at night, no problem. However, this walk worried me. I know when it's time to trust my internal spider-sense. At any moment, a speeding car could have hit me. I could have been yanked off the road, and there's a good possibility that no one would have seen or heard. It was incredibly unsafe, and completely unworkable on a daily basis.

I was so upset when I walked in the door last night. My hands were shaky from shot nerves, and I was frozen solid. The coup de gras? I went to heat myself up some tea. No microwave. I just stared at the space-where-the-microwave-should-be and balled up my fists in anger. This is fixable-- I have a microwave tucked away in my mother's storage that I can fetch this weekend-- but it was the last straw, you know? The final push.

I broke down a little. My head was pounding and my legs were numb and I'm getting a cold and the house was empty and my room is chaos and it's still half painted and I hate my parents so much for being so ignorant and I have obligations to take care of and I was just so frustrated.

It all just poured out at once. I haven't quite grasped it yet, this sudden adulthood. Another 180, and I'd still not adjusted to the first one completely. I don't know which way is up yet. I feel so emotionally disoriented.

After a while, Dixie came home, and she found me a complete sniffly, runny-mascara mess. By then, I'd figured out how to use the kettle, and so we talked about how the future is never what you expected it to be. It helped clear my head a little, but by then, I was just exhausted. I went to bed early and just slept. I couldn't focus enough to do anything else.

I know that I'm grateful to not be starving, to have supportive friends, and to have somewhere to stay that will ostensibly become my home. I'll get to fully appreciating all of that just as soon as I have a little stability, I guess. I haven't had that in so long. Right now, everything just feels so upside-down. I guess everyone goes through this at one point or another. It's part of growing up.

This morning, woke up with that same stress headache. I pulled myself out of bed, got ready for work, had some tea, took some Aleve, and dabbed on a drop of my precious, but near-empty, vial of Blue Moon. After some Chinese and talking over money with David, who has appointed himself a quasi-mentor, I feel somewhat better. There's still so much to be done, though. They really should make magic wands for this sort of thing.

As a side note, I won't be attempting that walk again. I will be able to get a ride about half the time. The other half, I'm going to call a cab company. I'm not going to put myself at risk.


Steph, thank you for the card and the keychain. Thank you, as well, Jeff, for the touching card.

Linked from eiluned and Witchvox:

Anti-gay group from Kansas far outnumbered by counterprotesters at Port Charlotte High.

Thing I found particularly cool:

Leonard Leary, retired from the Navy and the first on the scene, stood at the entrance to the school with a cigarette in one hand and an American flag in the other.

"I hope to God they show up," Leary said. "These kids have every right as any other American. I may not agree with their lifestyle, but they have rights."

Also:

McAllister was flanked by Port Charlotte football moms, Punta Gorda artists, local churchgoers and counterdemonstrators from as far away as St. Petersburg.

Emphasis mine. This makes me happy.


Also making me happy? Serenity T-shirts!